Finding Redemption

by Emilia Finn

  “Tell me, please. Tell me what’s the matter?”

  “I love you, Leo.”

  “I love you too, Sunshine.” If I could love anyone the way a man should love a woman, it would be Casey. But along with my childhood and my innocence, my parents stole this from me too. I’m not… whole. I can’t be that kind of man.

  “Why are you crying? Are you hurt?”

  “My heart hurts.”

  Anxiety and relief wage war within me. “Are you physically hurt though? Any broken bones?”

  She shakes her head against me even as her sobs increase. “No broken bones. Just my heart.”

  “I know you’re scared about Kit. She’ll be okay.”

  I have no fucking clue if Kit will be okay, but for my two best friends’ mental wellbeing, I hope she is. If she goes, she’ll be taking Bobby and Case with her. They need her. And I need them.

  I stand and lift her light frame with me, then I spot the liquid mess on the floor beside her. There’s an empty shot glass in the mess, but she doesn’t seem drunk. Just unbearably sad.

  I take us to her couch and I sit, keeping her in the cradle of my arms and I rock us together, hopefully soothing her, hopefully not making it worse. I don’t want to make it worse.

  “Talk to me, Case. Please.”

  She shakes her head again as her hiccups choke her. “I don’t want to talk today, Jon. Don’t make me talk.”

  “Want me to hold you?”

  “I want to be alone.”

  I shake my head. “I’m not leaving you, Sunshine. Tell me what you need.”

  Her cries dig deeper, louder, more pained, and I squeeze my eyes shut to block out her hurt. This isn’t her. She’s always bright and happy. Her sadness cuts me like a million tiny paper cuts all over my body; stinging and painful but not enough for me to bleed out and escape.

  “Jon… I need something you can never give me.”

  I have money. I have things. I have power. “I can give you anything you want, Case. Just name it. Anything. Anything in the whole world.” There’s nothing I wouldn’t give her.

  She shakes her head, not answering me, just sniffling and crying and I bring my right hand up to thumb the tears from beneath her eyes. Her tears physically hurt me. I don’t want to see them, I don’t want her to have them.

  “Please don’t cry, Casey.” My voice is gruff, on the verge of crying myself. I don’t cry. I haven’t cried in a very, very long time. “You’re tearing my heart out, Sunshine.”

  I lean forward and kiss her closed eyes, feeling her soft lashes flutter against my lips, then I kiss beneath her eyes, taking away the tears that continue to fall.

  She’s hurting for her best friend and I can totally relate. I’m feeling a similar devastation right now as I cradle her sobbing body in my arms, or when I’ve held Bobby these last few weeks.

  I know why she’s sad and hurting, but I don’t want her to feel it. I can make her feel loved today, I can take away her pain for a little while. She deserves it. She deserves the world. Which is exactly why I can’t give her forever.

  But we can have right now.

  “I’ve got you, Sunshine. Lean on me.” I kiss her other eye, sighing when her lashes kiss my lips again, smiling shakily when she sighs. Her sobs calm though her breath remains heavy.

  She stops hiccupping as her green eyes meet my brown, hers soaked and dripping as her lips quiver with anguish.

  I didn’t come here to kiss her, to touch her. I’ve held off for months and months though my hands have itched to feel her again, my lips have craved her taste. I promised one time, one kiss, and I’ve kept my promise, but every night sleeping with her in my arms has weakened my resolve. I didn’t come here with this on my mind today, but I find my hand roaming along her ribs anyway, my lips cruising her face, my fingertips studying her, my lips tasting her.

  “Jon.” Casey shakes her head and tries to turn her beautiful face away from mine. “No, I can’t--”

  I take her chin in my hand. “Just one time, Case? Just once?”

  She lets out another single sob. “You’re going to break my heart, Jon. I can’t afford you.”

  “I’ll never hurt you, Sunshine. I’ll never do anything to hurt you.”

  Her eyes go softer, the tears falling anew but her gaze keeps falling to my lips as though she’s too weak to resist. I lean in slowly, wanting her, craving her, but never ever forcing her.

  I lay my lips on hers softly, tasting her salty tears again and I swallow down her soft sigh as her arms pull tighter around my neck.

  I snake my tongue out hesitantly, not wanting to spook her, not ready for the same explosion that happened last time we tried this. I was never prepared for the way we went up in flames in each other’s arms. I was expecting a nice slow kiss, instead we got wildfire.

  Wildfire isn’t what she needs now.

  She’s soft and sad and vulnerable. She’s devastated and worried about her best friend. She just needs some love and a distraction. I can give her both.

  It’s easy.

  I let my tongue explore her soft mouth, sucking her juicy lip between my teeth. I let my hand come up to her face to tuck her beautiful hair behind her ear then cup her soft cheek in my palm.

  I suck her lip into my mouth again, nibbling and tasting then I let her free and wait for her eyes to meet mine again. Her heavy breath bathes my face, taking me to my happy place, and her eyes stay soft though her tears have slowed.

  “Let me help you, Sunshine. Let me soothe your aching heart.” I know she’s sad for her best friend. I can hold her for a few hours. I can help her forget for a few hours.

  She watches me for a long moment, indecision in her features. Indecision and terror. She’s so scared for her best friend.

  “Please, Sunshine. I want to make you feel better. I want to be with you.”

  She swipes her hand along her cheek, rubbing away tears and a line of smudged mascara before her eyes meet mine again. “Okay.”

  My heart skips a beat, my hands hold her tighter. “Back to us tomorrow?”

  “Okay.”

  “Promise me, Case. Back to us tomorrow?” I can’t lose her over this. I’ll never lay with another woman again if it means I get to keep her as my best friend. The tradeoff is no tradeoff at all.

  She nods softly, though her eyes remain scared. “I promise.”

  “Thank god.” I shuffle her in my lap, picking her up so she straddles me again, but this time I stand and wrap her divine legs around my waist.

  Her arms hold me tight against her, her jean clad ass filling my hands in the most delicious way and I walk us to her bedroom at the back of her apartment.

  We spend most of our time at my place, since Sissy is there too and I can’t just ditch her, so while I know Casey’s apartment, it’s still kind of foreign to me. We’ve been here enough though that I know where her room is.

  I lay her on her bed, gently placing her in the center then I come down over top of her and climb between her legs. I rest my weight on my elbows as I place them on either side of her face and I lean in close.

  Fingering her hair aside, I uncover her bright but still wet eyes. “You’re my beautiful sunshine, you know that?”

  My words seem to make her sad. “Don’t be too kind to me, Jon.”

  I frown. “I’ll always be kind. You are beautiful.” I slowly run my left hand along her leg, lifting it, finding her ankle, then running my hand back up again I bring the leg up and hitch it over my hip.

  She cradles my body perfectly despite our size differences and her breasts cushion my chest softly. She’s perfect.

  I bring my lips down to hers again and I slowly, hesitantly let my tongue play with hers. I smile triumphantly when she sighs into my mouth then her hands come up to cradle my head and pull me down to her.

  Her legs draw tighter around my waist and her arms pull me in tighter. Despite her hesitance, she doesn’t want me to escape.

  My fucking pleasure.

&nb
sp; I continue to kiss her but I lift my body and start peeling her top up. I push it up her torso, letting my fingers feel her sexy body, her tiny ribs, her soft tits and the soft lace covering them.

  No everyday sports bra for my Sunshine. She told me ages ago she likes to indulge. Matching panties and bras are an indulgence I’ve long ago noticed and always enjoyed.

  We may not have hooked up before, but I see her every night at bedtime and I see the laundry hamper; I see the beautiful lingerie she owns.

  I pause with her top at our chins, not wanting to let her sweet mouth go, especially with her tongue darting against mine as much as mine is against hers, but I separate us quickly and pull her shirt up and over her head, then I toss it away and latch my mouth onto hers again.

  I let my hands surf her skin, trying but unable to stop my hips from pressing down against her. It’s a natural instinct, one I have zero chance of stopping. The universe wants this for us.

  “Jon…”

  “Mmm.” I let my lips and teeth cruise along her jaw, tasting her, nibbling on the sweet perfumed skin and nuzzling the warm spots of her neck.

  Her hair brushes against my face, aromatic like I’m burying my face in a bag of cinnamon sugar. I don’t know how she always smells like donuts, I never see her spray herself or bathe in tubs of them, but she always smells so damn good. So delicious.

  Her hands slide along my back, down to my ass and cupping for a long moment, a moment where I involuntarily grind down against her again, then her hands slide underneath my shirt and work their way to my shoulder blades.

  “Take it off.”

  I lift away from her again as she fumbles to pull my shirt over my head. I bring my hand over top and fist the fabric at my shoulder blades and I drag it up and off.

  We both sigh when I rest back over her, when our belly’s touch, when our warm skin meets from hips to shoulder, then she pulls my face to hers again and pulls my bottom lip between her teeth.

  I crave her touch, her mouth, her skin, and after a long minute I break free and nibble along her neck to the beautiful soundtrack of her heavy breathing in my ear.

  “Jon…”

  “Mmm.” I suck on the skin just above her collarbone, not even sorry when I pull away to see my work. I smirk at how good my mark looks on her skin, then I trail my lips down her chest.

  I flick open the front clasp on her bra, revealing something I’ve been coveting for months, then I take her pebbled nipple between my teeth as soon as it pops free of the lace.

  “Jon!” Casey’s hands shoot into my hair, cupping my head and holding me hostage. Her unique flavor drugs me, a nirvana that I’d willingly drown in.

  I switch breasts, taking her other in my mouth then massaging the first with my hand. She tastes so good. She feels so good; her hot skin scorches me though the hurt feels really good.

  My hips grind down between her legs uninhibited, and she squeezes me to her and grinds upwards, riding my jeaned cock.

  Her chest arches and lifts from her soft bed, pushing herself into my mouth, wanting this as much as I do.

  Letting her nipple go with a soft pop, I let my lips trail down the valley of her stomach, toying with her belly button for a moment then biting the soft skin just above her jeans.

  I pop the button undone, slowly lowering the zipper and I smile at what I knew I’d find. Matching panties; black silk and lace with cream spots.

  “So beautiful.” I look up her torso to find her green eyes locked on mine. “Can I?” I place my hands around her jeans waist, intending to tug them down as soon as she gives me the go ahead, and when she nods on a deep gulp, I peel them over her hips and down her creamy thighs.

  I follow the long line of her legs then stop at her heels. “I love these shoes you wear, Sunshine. These things drive me crazy every single day.” I kiss her dainty ankle. “You’re my best friend, but I notice how sexy you are. Always so sexy.”

  “Jon,” she sighs painfully. I don’t want her to feel pain. I just want her to feel loved, to feel cherished. I want to make her feel good.

  “Rest with me, Case. Just this time, don’t overthink it.”

  I kiss the delicate skin over her ankle again, then I pinch the sweet ribbon tying her shoes and slowly pull to unravel the knot. I let her heel fall to the floor then I work on the other. When the second is gone, I finish peeling her jeans away then I throw them down beside the shoes.

  I kiss my way up her inside thighs and her breath catches and releases sporadically. She’s so beautiful.

  I stop nibbling at the top of her thigh, just below her panty line, and I look up to her eyes again. Her hands come down over her face, like she’s just plain exhausted with her life.

  I frown. I climb up her body and lay over her again, resting my belly against hers. I love the feel of our skin touching. It might be my favorite feeling in the whole world.

  I kiss her lips, though her hands remain over her eyes. She’s hiding. I smile at her silly attempt. “Hey. Look at me.”

  She shakes her head stubbornly. I grab her hands and peel them away. “What’s going on in your pretty head?”

  “I’m scared.”

  I sigh. “I know, Sunshine. I’m scared for Kit too, but we can take a few hours and just be us. Let’s be Leo and his Sunshine. Let’s leave the world behind for a little while and just find something here.”

  Her breath comes out on a shudder again. “Kit. Yeah… Hey Leo?”

  I look back into her eyes at the same time I let my hand peel her panties away. I need them gone. I need to feel her.

  “Mmm?”

  “Make love to me? Just one time.”

  “Yeah, Sunshine.” My pleasure. I shuffle us so I can release the button on my own jeans, then lowering them and kicking them off, I line myself up to find her wet and waiting and I slide in smoothly.

  We don’t need all the fanfare. We don’t need wild and reckless and fun. We just need us, soft and quiet and soothing.

  I let out a grunt of pure pleasure filled satisfaction at the same time she lets out a beautiful deep sigh. She’s perfect for me. The perfect fit. She feels amazing.

  She’s just … perfect.

  I move slowly against her, slow and smooth, no rush, no wildfire, though I’m dying to do that too. I’ll keep it slow for her. She’s so small, so precious, and despite her giant bulldog attitude, she’s fragile beneath my large body.

  Casey’s nails dig into my shoulder blades and drag along the muscle as her legs cinch around my hips and anchor her body to mine.

  “Jon,” she breathes fast, panting as her hips lift with my every slow thrust.

  I bury my face between her shoulder and neck and I kiss the skin, softly taking it between my lips and tasting her. I’ve spent six months wanting her, coveting her, holding her at night but unable to really touch.

  If this is a one-time thing, then I’m going to savor her. “You feel so good,” I groan against her skin as I rock against her again. I’m moving so slow, I can feel her every bump inside. I can feel my dick dragging within her, touching every single piece of her.

  A small part of my brain reminds me I’m in her without protection. I didn’t mean to do this without a condom, but I know I’m clean, and I see Casey take her pill every single day. I’ve never gone without before, but I trust her. She’s my best friend.

  “Jon.” Casey’s walls clamp down around me; fluttering then squeezing then fluttering again. She’s close.

  “Yeah Case.” I push in again and feel my own release fast approaching. I latch my mouth onto hers and I swallow her sweet sighs as I push in and out, then her soft cries when she finally lets go and clamps down around me.

  Unable to hold on any longer, I bury my face in her neck and I come deep inside her, an extra zing on pleasure rocketing through my body when she bites down on my shoulder.

  “Casey…” Her name drags its way up my throat, begging me to declare my love for her, demanding I give her the world and all its treasures within.


  I can’t though, I can’t claim her when she deserves so much more. I can’t claim her when all she’d get is a quarter of a broken heart and a whole shell of a broken man.

  My hips still after another long minute, then the only sound remaining is our panting breath; hers on my shoulder, mine on her neck.

  “I love you, Case.” I do. I really do. And if I could love her more, the way a man should, then I would. She’d be my choice.

  I hate that my choice was taken from me long ago.

  She deserves more than me.

  Casey’s breath hitches against my shoulder. I’m too weak to lift my head and look at her face. “Yeah, Jon.” She swallows heavily as her nails play with the hair on the back of my neck. “I love you, too.”

  At least I got to feel what it’s like to make love to someone. I’ve never done that before. She’s different in every way and she changes me from within. I don’t even mind the changes.

  I slip out of her and roll to my back, then I pull her on top of my chest so her face rests over my heart and her hair bathes my nose. I cradle her body and hold her tight. “Sleep Sunshine. Rest with me.”

  I begin humming and I stroke my fingers softly along her lower back. It doesn’t take long before her breathing evens out and her body falls heavy against me.

  I love you, Sunshine. Maybe even more than I love Bobby.

  Thirteen

  Tink

  Hart’s Heart

  Late January 2015

  Kit’s awake. She woke up five weeks ago and was released from hospital three weeks after that.

  She struggles to do just about anything for herself; she’s weak, she’s lethargic and she’s still working to replace a lot of the blood she lost. She was given several transfusions during surgery and after, but her body is still working hard to heal. She has a long way to go yet. She goes to physical therapy daily and Bobby is carrying her just about everywhere he can.

  Much to Kit’s disgust.

  She’s usually a strong and independent woman, and though she loves her big, strong overprotective man, she hates being treated like a child. Her insistence to prove the guys wrong though sometimes sets her back and she’s exhausted after only short periods of awake time. She’s a stubborn ass and that fiery attitude is helping to heal my heart and worry for her.