by Emilia Finn
Storan moves out of the room and closes the door with a soft snick.
“I’ll just--”
“Please stay with me, Lace. Don’t leave me.”
“I think I should call Jon. He’s your best friend, he should be here.”
“No! Absolutely not. Jon can’t know about this, not today.”
“But if he’s the father--”
“He might not be. We’re just friends, and we’re definitely not exclusive.” Lie.
“Oh.” Lacey’s eyes flare. “Oh, right, okay. I didn’t realize you’d been with other guys.” I haven’t. I even shouted that at Storan, but I’m rolling with my lie and hoping she doesn’t think too deeply about it.
“Yeah,” I wave her off while I die inside. “Jon and I are just friends. I still date.”
I unbutton my jeans then I walk into the attached bathroom. “I’ve just gotta…”
Lacey nods at me, at my unspoken words that I’m too embarrassed to say. Tampons are gross. Periods are gross. This whole fucking week is gross.
I sit down and pee again and I clean myself as best I can, then I waddle back to the main room with my jeans and underwear rolled up into a ball and I climb onto the padded bed and fix my towel.
Storan walks in moments later and starts fiddling with the machine, then minutes after that I catch a glimpse of Jon’s baby’s heartbeat on the giant screen on the wall.
Devastation. Pure, unbroken devastation floods my body because I know Jon doesn’t want this. Yet hope wages a battle.
I know this wasn’t in our plan, this wasn’t what he wanted. Hell, it wasn’t even what I wanted. But Jon has created a heartbeat within me, and no matter how scared I am of his reaction, no matter how unprepared we were for this, I find my hand stroking my flat stomach and my own heart growing, enveloping the tiny flickering beat. He’s already mine.
Jon might not want him, but that’s just because he’s scared. I can help him accept this. And even if he doesn’t come around, I can love this baby enough for both of us.
This wasn’t my plan, but plans change. Rules can be broken. Hearts can grow and Hart’s can learn.
I can give our baby life. I can make this okay.
“I’m sorry, Casey, but this is what I thought it would be. Your fetus is non-viable. It’s attached outside the uterine wall and it won’t survive. We need to go into surgery today and remove it.”
Devastation reigns supreme. “Remove it?”
“Yes. I’m sorry. We have to remove it immediately before there’s damage done to your fallopian tubes.” Storan stands from his position between my legs, taking away the probe from within me and the flickering sound of my baby’s heartbeat goes with it. “I’m having my secretary check my schedule now. We’ll get it done today.”
“Today?” My lip quivers on the word, but he’s already pulling out his cell and speaking with someone in hushed tones, and Lacey steps toward me, blocking my view of the now empty screen and taking my hand in hers.
“It’ll be okay, Case. I’ll stay with you.”
I nod at her words, but I see Jon in my mind’s eye. I want Jon. I want him to hold me. I want him to want our baby, and I want him to want me.
But he doesn’t.
An hour later I’m wheeled into an operating room and I fall asleep with tears in my eyes, all alone with my non-viable baby.
A little while after that, I wake to a dark room and Lacey sitting beside me, then my doctor coming in to explain that my baby is now gone, as is my right tube.
I have one left. One scarred tube left for my hypothetical husband and I to work with in the hypothetical future. I’m minus one baby, one tube, and in exchange I gained two new scars and a broken heart.
I turn away in my bed, away from my friend, away from my doctor, and I weep and apologize to the baby I got to love for only a few minutes.
I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry my body didn’t care for you the way it was supposed to.
Fourteen
Jon
Glandular Fever
I slam my fist down on Casey’s front door, not giving a flying fuck if I’m being loud, not giving a shit if I’m waking neighbors, not caring in the slightest if I’m waking my Sunshine.
She didn’t come home today, she’s not answering her phone and she hasn’t been back to my place to collect her car.
I don’t know where the fuck she is, I don’t know what the hell happened today at her doctors, and it’s almost midnight.
She should be home with me.
If she has a cold or something and wants to be at her apartment alone, then she still needs to send me a damn text and let me know. That way I can bring some clothes and I can sleep here. But she doesn’t get to just drop off the face of the planet.
The door swings wide at the same moment I lift my fist again, then Case’s workmate with the weird hair pins me with a glare. “Can you stop? She’s sleeping.”
“Suns-- Casey is sleeping?”
“Yeah, dummy, so be quiet. I’m staying with her tonight, so you can just go--”
“Nope.” I push past her and into the tiny apartment that the tiny girl lives in. “I’m staying with her, so you can go.”
“She doesn’t want--”
“What happened today? What did the doctor say?”
“I… um.” She fusses with her nails and avoids my eyes. “That’s probably something between her and her healthcare provider.”
I stop searching the room as though I’ll find Sunshine in here with us and I glare at Lacey the way she glared at me. “What. Happened. Today?”
Lacey sighs. “Look, she knew you’d probably turn up at some point.” Yeah, no fucking kidding she knew I’d come looking for her. I’m her Leo, and we had an ice-cream date. “She told me to tell you the surgery was routine and it went fine.”
“Surgery?” I storm back and get in this chicks face. “What fucking surgery? She wasn’t having surgery today!”
“No, she did. Um, her doctor said she had fibroids or something, had to take them out, that’s what was causing her cramping, no big deal. It was like an hour tops, she was sedated--”
“She was sedated?” I want to shake this bitch. This is a big fucking deal! “Casey was sedated, as in she was asleep and they operated on her? What the actual fuck?”
“It was tiny keyhole, she’s fine so can you please stop shouting! She’s tired and needs rest, and you need to leave. She told me she wants me here tonight.”
“No.” I shake my head and walk toward the hallway leading to the bedroom. “But you can fuck right off. I’ve got her now.”
“Jon!” Lacey hisses between her teeth.
I turn around and go back to the kitchen. “What do I need to know? Does she need medication? Is she in pain?”
She sighs again. If she could, she would have already kicked my ass. “She’s on some pretty strong pain relief stuff. She’s actually pretty high right now, so don’t talk to her. And if you do, don’t listen to anything she says, she’s a little loopy and whatever she says can’t be held against her. Just let her sleep.”
“Does she need pain relief in the night?”
“Yeah.” On another defeated sigh, Lacey turns to a plastic bag on the end of the counter and passes me a small bottle of pills. “Set your alarm, give these to her at two a.m. She’ll be awake for her next lot and she’ll be able to do it herself.”
“Okay, you can let yourself out. See ya.”
I turn from her, done with her blocking ass, then I fill a glass with tap water, pocket the pills then I walk down the hall and let myself into her room.
I kick my shoes off then push my jeans down, and after placing the water, the pills and my phone on the bedside table, I lift the covers and climb in behind her and rest my chest against her back.
I would normally pull her right up and over my body so she can sleep on me with her face in the center of my chest, almost like a weighted security blanket that I didn’t realize till now that I’d become dep
endent on, but I have no clue what exactly happened today and I don’t want to hurt her.
Instead I bury my face in the back of her hair and breathe her in, then I fall asleep feeling her heart beat thump against my hand. She’s safe and fine.
We’re fine.
~*~
“Wake up, Sunshine.”
I gently lay kisses on her face and lips, not even sure if I can softly shake her shoulder. I literally don’t know what hurts. I don’t even know what a fucking fibroid is. Isn’t that in your neck? The puffy gland when you get sick?
Fucked if I know, but I won’t shake her and risk it.
“Sunshine, honey, wake up.”
Her lashes flutter and her face scrunches, transforming from unconscious relaxation to pain in a heartbeat.
“Jon?”
“Yeah, Sunshine. Here you go.” I lift her hand and wrap her fingers around the water glass. “Take some pills then we can go back to sleep.”
“K.” Her words are mumbled, her movements are slow and clumsy, but I help her sit up and drink, then I lower her again and rest her head on my chest.
“Rest now, Sunshine. I’ve got you.”
“K.” She snuggles against me, attempting to shuffle closer but giving up with a pained groan. I fold my body around hers instead, contorting my frame to wear hers like a glove. “Love you, Jon.”
I sigh. “I love you too, Sunshine.”
Definitely more than I love B.
~*~
I wake up hours later, disoriented and with a panic squeezing my heart, then I realize it’s because Casey is squirming in bed, asleep but moaning in pain. Her pain hurts me.
“Wake up, Sunshine.” I squeeze my eyes to clear the sleep and refocus. I look at the clock and note it’s past eight a.m. I should have been at the gym two hours ago. “Wake up, Case. It’s time for more medicine.”
“Jon?” Her voice is still quiet and on a mumble. Her eyes are closed, but she knows me just by feel, by smell.
“Yeah, Sunshine, I’m here. How are you feeling?”
“Sore,” she mumbles as she tries to burrow back against my side.
“Gotta wake up, Case. You need more medicine then you can go back to sleep.”
Casey’s eyes pop open suddenly, her face draining of all color instantly and my stomach drops. “What the--” She moves away from me quickly, too quickly as she hisses in pain.
“Be careful--”
“What are you doing here, Jon? Where’s Lacey?”
I frown at the alarm in her words, and I try not to feel the slice to my heart at her dismissal. “I sent her home last night.”
“You stayed here all night?”
“Yeah, I came looking for you when you didn’t come home.”
“Jon,” Casey’s voice breaks as her brows furrow. “I am home. This is my bed. This is where I live.”
“Okay…” I want to scream at her that her home is wherever the hell I am, but I don’t want to upset her, I don’t want to cause her any pain. “Take some medicine.” I lean over and grab the bottle and I take some pills out and press them into her palm. “Take these then you can tell me why the fuck you ignored my calls and didn’t tell me you had surgery.”
So much for not upsetting her.
I thought her face was white a second ago; it’s positively ghostly now. “What did Lacey tell you?”
I frown at her worried face. “She said you had surgery. Sunshine, why didn’t you tell me? Why wouldn’t you let me be there for you? Or at least come home so I could help you.”
“What exactly did she tell you, though? What were her words?”
“She said you had fibroids or some shit.” I push her face up gently to look at her neck. There’s no swelling, no stitches, no bruising or any marks at all to indicate surgery. “Have you got swollen fibroids because of the flu?”
Casey’s face turns to the side. She’s doing that inquisitive fairy thing. “Swollen fibroids?”
“Yeah, like…” I press my fingers to the spot beneath my jaw on each side.
Her lip twitches just the tiniest amount. “I think you have your anatomy lesson messed up, Leo. I think you’re pointing at your glands. Fibroids are a chick thing.”
“How chick?”
“Umm, fibroids are like a mass on the walls of your uterus. Like a non-cancerous--”
“You have cancer?” What the actual fuck!
“No, jesus, calm down.” Despite her over-simplified words, I can’t calm down. My heart is thumping inside my chest, bruising me with every beat. “Non-cancerous lumps. Anyway. It’s fine. It’s umm… they’re all cleared out now. Problem solved.”
Casey turns her head and studies the clock for a moment then she clears her throat. “You should probably get going. The guys will be waiting for you.”
No. “So where’re your scars?”
“Huh?”
“How exactly did they take these things out of you?”
“Umm, through my belly. Tiny keyhole surgery.”
I can feel my head swimming, drowning in a red haze of worry and anger. “They had you cut open yesterday? They cut your belly open and you didn’t think it was something you should tell me?”
“No, it…” She clears her throat nervously and my suspicion ramps up. “It just kinda happened quickly. They, ah, they found out why I was cramping and they sent me for a quick scan. It’s like a five minute surgery. Actually, surgery’s not even the right word. Kinda like getting a filling at the dentist. Not a big deal.”
“I don’t remember ever leaving the dentist with scars or narcotics, Casey.”
“I’m fine. Can you go to work now? I need to have a shower and rest.”
She attempts to push away from me, to swing her legs over the side of the bed and stand up, but her breath comes out on a whimper and her body jams up in pain.
“Can you stand by yourself, Sunshine?”
“Yeah.” She breathes deeply through her nose. “Just pull me up?” She holds her hands out for me and I slowly help her stand. I’m fucking pissed. She can’t stand by herself. I’m not leaving her. “Thanks, you can go. I’ll see you tonight. Or maybe tomorrow, I’ll text you in case I’m too sleepy.”
“Fuck no.”
Her eyes spring to mine and I note the tears in hers. “What?”
“I’m not going to the gym.” I take my phone from the bedside table. “I’m calling Bobby. They’ll figure it out for me.”
“Jon, no.”
“I’m not leaving you, Casey.”
“Don’t tell Bobby that I’m unwell. He’ll tell Kit and she can’t worry right now.”
“You bet your ass I’m telling Bobby--”
“Jon…”
“It’s alright, he won’t tell her anything he thinks might upset her. But I’m telling him where I am and I’m staying here with you.”
“I really don’t want you here right now, Jon.” Her tears are falling steadily, soft and elegant as though she’s not crying at all, she just has an excess of fluid built up. “I need to be alone.”
“I’m not leaving. A real best friend wouldn’t leave.”
I called Bobby soon after I had Casey sorted and doped up, then I spent the next six days at her home, looking after her in every way I possibly could.
She never really discussed these fibroids or her lack thereof, but she cried sometimes. I figured she must’ve been in more pain than she was telling me, but no matter how many times I asked, she wouldn’t talk. She stopped taking her pain meds three days after her minor surgery that was definitely not in her neck. She was up and walking without pain in five days. She didn’t vomit again, but she kept taking her antibiotics for almost two whole weeks.
I googled the shit out of fibroids and the surgery she had and I educated myself as best I could manage, considering she didn’t elaborate any more on what she told me that first day. She didn’t talk much at all after that first day.
She’d effectively locked me out emotionally, but at least she a
llowed me into her bed at night and she slept on top of me again by the seventh night.
On the eighth night, we both slept alone.
Somehow, for some reason, our relationship changed that week. She’d changed and I had no clue what happened or how to fix it.
The sun wasn’t so bright anymore. Casey had dimmed and I didn’t know why.
Casey and I became best friends exactly one month after we first met.
We kissed for the first time around the two month mark and we made love for the first and only time four months after that.
And now, almost eight months after the first flirty wink she threw my way at 188, my Sunshine had abandoned me, left me desolate and alone on an island even when we were in the same room together.
It would be more than five months before she willingly spoke to me again beyond a cold hello Jon, goodbye Jon. I was Jon, not Leo, and not her best friend.
My sunshine was gone and the world was darker than ever.
Fifteen
Tink
Bad Blood
Early February 2015
My phone rings with Bobby’s name flashing across the screen and I quickly snatch it up. I spoke to Kit only an hour ago, but I’ll never ignore his call. She’s mostly better, but she’s still in some pain and if my best friend needs me, I’ll be there for her.
My obsession with caring for her helps keep me busy and not thinking about other things. An idle mind is my enemy lately.
I haven’t seen nor spoken to Jon in an entire week. I haven’t answered his calls. I haven’t opened the front door to his incessant banging. I’ve closed all my curtains and I’ve spent my time mourning him, our broken friendship and the child we’ll never know.
I didn’t even want a child two weeks ago, but that two minutes I was carrying Jon’s child, well, I was scared, but I was already in love.
I can’t see Jon right now. I can’t see his face or hear his deep gruff voice. I can’t look into his eyes, because I wonder. What color eyes would our baby have had? Jon’s beautiful brown, or my bright green. I can’t look at him right now, because my heart is torn completely in half.