by Emilia Finn
Aiden’s eyes snap up to hers. “He? It’s a he?”
“No. I don’t know.”
I hope it’s not a boy; he could be too similar to me. Or my parents. If there’s anything good and pure that came from my blood, it’s Iz. Let her little baby be a girl, perfect and sweet just like Izzy is.
“Izzy, honey.” Iz and I both glance up a Bobby’s serious tone. “When will you tell Ben?”
“I don’t know,” Iz replies shakily. “Do I have to?”
“Yes, Sissy, you do.”
Of course she does. I might want to kill him. Hell, I might still kill him, but if he’s the daddy, then he deserves to know. That’s his baby. A man needs to know if he has children in this world. “A man deserves to know, no matter what.”
Eighteen
Tink
Wash Away Your Troubles
My heart booms in my chest as I walk up the footpath to Jon’s house, then as I stand at the front door and argue with myself about whether I should knock or just use the key I still have.
I doubt he’d mind, but I don’t feel right just letting myself in. Things are different now. He’s not my Leo anymore. And I’m not his Sunshine.
A real best friend wouldn’t have deserted him the way I did, no matter the circumstances that led to it.
I acknowledge that I was hurt, but he didn’t even have that chance. I blamed him for something he didn’t even know he did.
I bring my hand up to knock, knowing that he needs me tonight. Or perhaps simply hoping. Iz is at Bobby’s house, so I know he’s all alone.
If I know anything about him, I know he needs some light tonight. I can help him, and I can firmly lock my heart away from him and brick a wall up in front of it.
I know better this time.
“Yeah, there’s someone at my door--” Jon murmurs into his phone as he swings the door wide, then his eyes lock onto mine and his body stills.
The brown of his eyes is almost watery, the emotion floating at the top and I swallow hard. I’ve missed him so much.
“Sonia, I gotta go. I’ll call you tomorrow.” Jon ends his call and shoves his phone into his back pocket. He continues to stare at me, waiting for me to speak, but I’m just concentrating on not crying and begging for his forgiveness.
I want his friendship back.
I clear my throat, feeling nerves I’ve never before felt around him. “Hey Jon.”
His brows furrow as he silently watches me, as his eyes flick across my face, then a quick swipe down my body, then back to my face. “Casey.”
His words are so cold.
“Are you okay?”
“Where’d you go?”
I feel my stomach flip even as I try to deflect. “I was just at home, but I wanted to see--”
Jon shakes his head, instantly cutting through my bullshit. “No. Where’d you go six months ago?”
“Jon,” I sigh, knowing I’m a terrible friend. “I’m sorry. I just… needed space.”
“You needed space?” His chocolate eyes slice right through me, nicking my heart and letting me bleed. “You needed space from me?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Did I do something wrong?”
You impregnated me and you didn’t even know it. And worst of all, I never told him. A man deserves to know. “No. I just got caught up with work, and Kit being hurt, then she got engag--” Pathetic excuses. I’m passing the blame to my other best friend. I’m such an asshole. “No. You did nothing, Jon. I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.”
“Are you back?”
I swallow hard. “Do you want me back?”
Jon’s eyes shutter, like he’s fighting an invisible pain. “I never wanted you to go, Sunshine. I haven’t slept in six months.”
He wounds me so deeply. “I’m sorry.”
“Were you seeing someone else?”
“Someone else? You and I weren’t--”
“No,” Jon sighs. “We weren’t. But have you been seeing someone while you were gone? Is that why you left?”
My poor sweet Jon thought I dumped him to be with another man. “No, Jon. I haven’t been dating. I’m really sorry you thought that. I’ve just been working, I promise.”
Jon’s eyes follow my every tiny movement for a long minute, but eventually his face clears up and his sexy pouty lips turn to a smirk. My heart flips and does a pitter-patter dance because such a perfect smile shines over me again. I’ve missed it so much. “You looking for a new best friend, Casey?”
I smile for the first time in what feels like a decade. “I guess I am.”
As though he was in the octagon and facing a three hundred pound meat head, he rushes toward me and picks me up. I squeal as he throws me over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry and I laugh and pound on his back with my closed fists as Jon kicks the door closed behind us. He carries me through the living room that I’ve missed dearly, then through the kitchen that I’ve eaten in a million times. “Where are you taking me you big dummy?”
“We’re going to bed.” Jon slaps my ass as my stomach flips. “I haven’t slept in six months.”
“To bed?”
He chuckles and I feel the deep rumble as it rolls through his chest and into my belly. “It’s okay, Sunshine. The old rules apply. Friends, no benefits, though you can give me any benefits anytime you want.” He slaps my ass again and I squeak out in pleasure and pain. “It’s late, I gotta work tomorrow. Bobby’s starting to think he’s hot shit since I’ve been off my game. A good night’s rest oughtta fix me up.” Jon stops in his bedroom with his shins resting against the end of his bed, then he flips me off his shoulder and the covers puff up and surround me. I’ve missed this bed. “Go pee, go brush your teeth, do your girly shit then come back to me.”
He steps away from me and starts to unbuckle his belt. My mouth waters, knowing he’s right here, knowing that I could have him if I just said the words.
I jump up from the bed in an attempt to escape him and my dirty thoughts, and as I pass on the way to the bathroom, Jon slaps my ass again.
I’m disgusted in myself that I feel my underwear slick with excitement.
Apart from one single time with Jon, I haven’t slept with a man in something like eighteen months. Before that, I had a new man in my bed every weekend. Hell, I had a man in my bed most week nights too. I had an itch, and a constant stream of men scratched it.
I was a sexually open person, I wasn’t shy about it. I knew my needs and they were usually met, but it’s been a long time and my body seems to be waking up and demanding attention.
I enter Jon’s bathroom and I feel my smile stretch my face. I feel like I’ve finally come home as I touch the same ugly brown towels Jon always has, and the cinnamon candle I left in here so long ago. The wick is still white, it was never lit. Jon never lit it, and he never moved it.
I move to the sink and smile at my toothbrush still sitting in the cup, at the bobby-pins that have turned an orange rust against the white counter. I look under the sink and find my hair straightener, my prized GHD that I had to replace at home because I was too scared to ask for mine back.
He didn’t throw any of my stuff away, he simply existed around it.
Instead of just washing my face and brushing my teeth like I’d first planned, I decide instead to strip off and have a shower. It’s been a long day and I feel dirty. Yesterday was huge, huger than huge. Izzy’s world changed. Then today, Jon’s world changed too.
I’ve watched people I love hurt the last twenty-four hours and I realize I haven’t taken a proper breath since it began. I haven’t taken a proper breath in longer than I can remember.
I flip the taps on, remembering the exact nuances and how far I have to turn the cold so I don’t burn to death, and how far not to turn it so I don’t freeze to death.
I smile at the soap caddy, at Jon’s sexy smelling body wash, then at mine sitting beside it. I pick them both up as I stand under the spray. I flip the cap open on my three-quarters em
pty bottle and I smell it, then I puff Jon’s so the masculine scent wafts through my nose. This is his smell, his brand, something he leaves behind in every room long after he already left it.
My house smelled like him for a little while after January, especially my bed that he shared with me every night for a week. I didn’t wash the sheets for as long as I could get away with it, then I didn’t wash his pillow case for even longer after that. I spent weeks hugging that damn thing and crying my heart out. Eventually the pillow started to smell more like me and stale tears and less like Jon, so I had to accept reality and wash the filthy thing.
I used to know his scent so well I didn’t even notice it anymore. I’d become desensitized to it, but after months of not being in this home, of not being near him, I’d forgotten it. It hit me like a wave tonight in Kit’s kitchen when I slid between Jon and Bobby. I was intending to help him, to bring his focus to me and help soothe him, but all I accomplished was inhaling him and fantasizing about being pressed up against his body in more ways than one.
I close my eyes and blindly replace his soap in the caddy. I need to pull my shit together. I need to figure out how to be us again without getting my heart cut out and ripped up and lit on fire.
And the worst part is Jon never intentionally did anything. He didn’t purposely hurt me, he never would, so how can I guard my heart, how can I talk to him when I can’t tell him?
I have to tell him about January though. I know that. A man deserves to know, and Jon definitely deserves to know.
I don’t have to worry about his disapproval anymore considering the baby is long gone. He or she won’t bother us again, so he has no reason to freak, but I need to tell him. It’s the right thing to do.
“Hey Sunshine?”
My eyes snap open as I grab my boobs and squint through the frosted glass. I can see his shadow through the glass, but nothing more.
“Ah… yeah?”
“Relax, I can’t see you.”
“Okay...” I hesitantly let my breasts go and start washing quickly. I’m feeling really vulnerable right now; I need to wash and be prepared to hop out at any second. “What’s up, Leo?”
I hear him chuckle even through the noise of the shower and the exhaust fan. “Leo.” He flicks his tongue in his mouth, making the click noise he does when he’s contemplative. “I haven’t heard that in a long time.” He pauses for so long, I wonder if he’ll continue. “I didn’t realize you were having a shower.”
I frown as I scrub shampoo through my hair then bend my neck to face the sky and wash it out. “Okay…?”
“I missed you,” he murmurs so low I barely hear the words over the shower spray. “I thought you’d be right back, then the water started and I realized you could be gone hours.”
I smile at his words; I can hear the smirk in his voice. “I’ll be out in a minute, Leo. Never fear, I won’t drown.”
I watch his dark silhouette move around the bathroom, then as he leans against the counter and crosses his arms.
“Hey Jon?”
“Yes, Sunshine?”
I can’t take another minute of not seeing his eyes, so I open the shower door an inch and peek out. “Do you wanna talk about Izzy?”
His humor filled eyes turn stormy and his shoulder muscles twitch and bunch under his gray shirt. “No, I definitely don’t.”
“But--”
“No.” He shakes his head with finality. “I don’t want to talk about that right now. I need time. I just can’t think about Iz right now…”
I watch him for a long minute, then nodding softly, I pull back inside the shower and close the door. I won’t force him. Hell, I have no right to force him into anything. I’ve been missing for months. I’m lucky he even let me in his front door. “Alright Leo. Your house, your rules.”
I hear another soft chuckle and I find my lips twitch. I’ve missed that sound. “What’s so funny?”
“Rules, Sunshine. So many rules.” I frown, but he doesn’t elaborate for a while, long enough to rub conditioner through my hair and rinse before he speaks again.
“Maybe if we didn’t have so many rules, then we wouldn’t be able to break them. Maybe then you wouldn’t leave me for a rule I may or may not have broken.”
My head drops back as I look to the ceiling. “Jon?”
“Yeah, Sunshine?”
I want to tell him about January. I fully intend on telling him soon, but not right now, not while I’m naked in his shower and his warm body is only inches from mine.
“You didn’t break any rules. I never stopped caring about you, okay. I’ve been gone, but I never stopped thinking about you.” I never stopped loving you.
I startle and hold my boobs again when Jon opens the shower door and pins me with his eyes. His don’t stray from mine, they don’t look at my wet and naked body, they don’t violate me even if they so easily could. His eyes just search mine.
“You’re really back?” Jon murmurs softly as his eyes flick between mine.
I nod softly as I consider my words. “I’m back. I want Leo and Sunshine back. I’ve missed us more than you’ll ever know.”
Jon’s eyes suddenly leave mine and I hold my breath. He pins me to the wall as he studies me. I feel his gaze as it travels to my toes then up my legs, over my stomach, over my chest and stops on my lips for a long time.
“I’ve dreamt about you, Casey.”
I’ve dreamt about him too.
“I’ve missed you, but way more than just your ass sitting on my couch night after night. I want that back, but I’ve missed you in my bed, I’ve missed your hair in my face while we sleep. I got to really taste you, really touch you only that one time, and though I never had a chance to get used to it, I’ve craved it. I’ve wanted more for so long. But I feel like wanting more, even if I never said it out loud, I feel like your leaving was punishment for not being happy with what I had. I was always happy with what I had, but I wanted more with you, Case.”
I feel my stomach flip at the same time I feel my heart stutter in my chest. “But you said--” No commitment. No forever. “You didn’t want that.”
“I don’t want marriage, I don’t want a family. But I want more of you.”
Jon steps into the shower stall fully clothed as the spray soaks him instantly, then he’s in front of me, his broad chest blocking everything else from view. His hands frame my face and bring my eyes to his.
“Can I have more, Case? Can we be together? I won’t tie you down. When it’s time for you to go, you can go, but can I have you for now?”
The answer in my head is fuck no! I should be shouting at him that he can’t have my body unless he wants to take responsibility for my heart too, but his lips are on mine before I get the chance, then my brain leaves the building and leaves only my body behind, naked and pressed against Jon, his rough jeans rubbing along my warmed and sensitized skin, his lips playing with mine and swallowing my sighs.
How close to the sun can I fly before I get burned?
My hands explore his muscles again, reacquainting myself with his delicious body, a body I knew despite our relationship without benefits, and my tongue darts back against his, desperate to taste him as my nails dig along his shirt covered shoulder blades.
Jon’s knees are bent, his neck is bent, he’s doing his best to compact his large body to be on my level, but he’s a big man and I’m a small girl. He knows this and before long he has his hands cupping my ass and pulling me up to pin me against the wall.
His impressive frame is unfolded, opened to all his glory and my legs wrap around his hips, though I needn’t use my strength to stay up.
Jon has more than enough strength for both of us.
“Make love to me, Sunshine? Give me what’s mine.”
“Yeah,” I breathe heavy when he releases my mouth, then his teeth latch down on my neck and I feel my stomach roil with a hot slick that feels so good. My hips are moving, looking for friction then my hands are grasping and pulling hi
s wet shirt.
“Take it off.”
Jon’s mouth leaves my skin for half a second as he reaches over his head and pulls his shirt, dragging the wet fabric as it clings to his skin. He pulls it over his head then tosses it carelessly to the floor.
Jon’s lips find mine again and his hands roam my body, setting me alight from the inside.
I can do this.
I want this.
My hands leave his shoulders and move to the button on his jeans and I fumble in my rush to get them undone.
The last time we did this, the only time, it was quieter, softer, slower, but today is different. We’re both desperate to reclaim something we’d lost for half a year.
I’m not even sorry this is happening. I’m exhilarated. I’m turned on. I’m in the moment.
The consequences can wait till the sun comes up.
Jon moves his hips back fractionally, allowing enough room for his hand to move between us, and though he’s only trying to undo his jeans, his knuckles move over my throbbing clit and I cry out.
“Jon!”
His lips slam down on mine as our heavy breath collides. I can feel his movements as he shoves his jeans down his hips.
Jon kisses my jaw, biting along the bone as I pant and he murmurs in my ear. “You still on the pill?”
“Yes,” I moan in anticipation. Jon lines his dick up and pushes inside me with no other words. I panic as I feel his bare skin move inside me.
“No. Jon.” I try to move away but I’m stuck between him and the wall. I wriggle my hips, my attempt to dislodge him, but all I manage is to pleasure us both.
His jutting hips still as his eyes meet mine. “What’s the matter?”
“Condom. You need a condom.” I push him away; though his hands continue to hold me up, his hips take the hint and he slides out of me.
“You’re not on the pill?”
I am. “I accidentally forgot one the other day. I’m just making up for it and want to be careful.” Lie.
“Okay.” Jon sets me down as his heavy panting bathes my face. “Hold on a sec.”