Finding Redemption

by Emilia Finn

  “What do you dream about?”

  Case’s sad face turns up to mine, so close I could almost touch her lips. I’d kiss her if I knew she wanted it. Unfortunately, I’m pretty certain she doesn’t.

  “Mostly you.”

  I move my lips closer to her hair and I luxuriate in the way it brushes my skin. “Good dreams or bad dreams?”

  “Mostly bad,” she sighs. “Mostly about a sad Leo as a little boy.”

  Fuck. I know what she’s got in her head. I never wanted that for her. I never wanted that for anyone, which is why I’ve never told a soul.

  Not even Bobby knows. No one deserves that.

  “Hey Sunshine. Can you look at me a sec?” I place my fingers on her chin and bring her eyes up to mine. “Are you too drunk to listen?”

  “Nope.” She almost slides off her chair in her haste to act sober.

  “Shit, okay, you’re hammered. I wanna tell you something, okay? I want you to remember it, but don’t worry because I’ll remind you tomorrow if I have to.”

  “You gonna tell me a secret, Leo? Like how best friends know secrets.”

  “Yeah Sunshine, I’m gonna tell you a secret. Sonia and me--”

  “Nooo,” Casey groans and hits me in the chest. “I don’t want talk about the leggy blonde.”

  “Leggy blonde?” Sonia is a sixty-three year old widower whose legs I have never ever seen.

  “She’s probably beautiful, huh? And tall. Taller than me, anyway. Big tall guy like you deserves someone tall like Sonia.”

  “Someone like Sonia?”

  “Yeah,” Casey slurs. “In my head she looks like Tina, and it’s sometimes hard not to hate Tina for being so hot. But I love her so it’s okay.”

  “Sunshine, Sonia is my therapist. I’ve been seeing her for ages--”

  “Since you’ve always known me?” Casey’s eyes spill over as I drive another crack into her battered heart. “I was never enough, not even in the early honeymoon phase?”

  “Can you stop talking for a sec?”

  “No. You’re making me sadder, Leo. You always make me sad.”

  “I’m not trying to, Sunshine. I’m trying to explain to you that Sonia is my therapist. I went to her because I want more with you, and I realized I can’t carry my shit around anymore because it was hurting you. I know I had a couple backslides recently--”

  “Backslides?” Casey scoffs as she sways dangerously. “You mean when you thought I might be pregnant and you told Bobby he could have it.”

  Fuccckkkk. “I’m sorry you heard that, Sunshine. I was just scared. I didn’t mean it.” I pick up the bottle of tequila again and I chug a third of the bottle. I’ve done a shit job of catching up to her, and I’ve just made her sadder. That’s not my intention. I place the bottle down again out of Casey’s reach since she’s so small and probably on the verge of alcohol poisoning already. “I didn’t mean it, okay? I swear I didn’t mean it. I was just scared and I was an asshole. It’s my natural state and I had a relapse.

  “Sonia, my ugly-elderly-not tall therapist has been trying to beat it out of me and I thought I was doing okay, but I was scared that night. I was scared, but I was already sorry, then I found you at the club, then that other shit happened… Then you were gone.”

  I can feel the tequila coating my brain in a warm embrace, it feels good, the numbing feels good, though I’m not stupid enough to ignore the fact she’s listening to me again. Finally. This might be my only chance.

  “I’ve been working with Sonia and she’s helping me understand. I don’t have to perpetuate the cycle. I can have babies and they can be like Bean. If they’re yours too, then they can be perfect and beautiful and innocent like Bean. History doesn’t have to repeat itself. If you make them with me, then it’ll be okay.”

  “I can’t, Jon.” Casey’s eyes spill over so much I wonder where the sob is. “I can’t have babies anymore. Not only do I look nothing like Tina, but my vagina doesn’t work. I’m all broken inside.” Case leans across me and snags the bottle and takes a hefty swig. “I need to be drunk to say this, mmkay. I love you Jon, like deep, deep in my bones love you, so now that you realize you’re not a piece of shit just because you came from pieces of shit, I want you to have all that stuff. You can have a family with someone else. Please not Tina or Sonia.” Casey sits up straight and taps her fist to her chest and burps inelegantly. “And not Belle either, since I’m throwing out the names on my shit list. Then there’s this bitch Melissa, but don’t worry about her, you don’t even know her. I hate that bitch. And Tina is married now. Can you believe she’s married? Oh-emm-geee! Aiden Kincaid is married to my girl Tina.” Casey’s half excited, half green face turns sad. “I wish I was getting married by Elvis. Let’s just get drunk, Leo. Give me one more night of Leo and Sunshine then I’ll help you plan your wedding to some stupid blonde whore.”

  I lean over the bar and snatch up shot glasses then I pour the tequila. “Are you sure, Case? Because you’re already drunk as fuck. I think you should go to bed.”

  “Line ‘em up, Leo. I’m not sleeping tonight. Gonna squeeze every last second out of this.”

  “You want us? You want everything I can give you, tonight?”

  “Yeah. I’m soaking this shit up before you leave me again.”

  “Can we be friends again tomorrow? Back to Leo and Sunshine?”

  She shakes her head and my stomach drops. “I don’t think so. Sunshine won’t like your bimbo wife. I think I might move away, honestly.”

  My heart stops in my throat even as my belly swirls with booze and nerves. “You’re moving away? Where will you go?”

  “I applied for a job in the city.” She picks up a shot and tosses it back quickly, so I match her and drink my own. “I applied for a job so I’d move into the city. Not too far from Kitten and Bean and the others, but far enough that I could say I had car trouble when you invite me to your wife’s baby shower.”

  “Have you heard back from this job?” She can’t leave. I believe her; she’d only be an hour drive away but she’d make it so I never saw her again.

  “Not yet. I applied for three jobs. Two have already rejected me. You’d think I’d be used to that now, huh Leo?” She hits my arm again and I groan at the pain in her voice. “But the other guys just sent me an email saying they got my application and they’d call for an interview.”

  “But what about the rest of us? What about me?”

  “I’ll still see the girls. They’ll visit and I’ll visit them. Actually no,” she mumbles as she continues to sway, “I won’t visit them since you all live in each other’s asses now and you’ll be there and that hurts, but maybe I can visit the club and we can have girl’s nights or something. I just won’t see you. And you’ll be okay because you’ll have Melissa.” Casey stops swaying and sneers. “Don’t marry Melissa.”

  I have no clue who Melissa is, but Casey doesn’t have to worry. There’s only one girl I’m marrying.

  I eye off the remaining full shot glasses then I look at Casey. She’s swaying bad. She’s drunk as fuck, and I can’t even say I’m that far behind her anymore.

  I’ve got a damn good buzz running through my veins now, and I legitimately can’t tell if it’s soothing my heart or making it worse. Everything hurts so damn bad.

  “Keep drinking, Leo, it helps, I promise.”

  “Casey, what if I wanted to marry you? What if I wanted to make babies with you?”

  “Aww, Leo, you’re just saying that cause you’re drunk. Did you already forget my poon is broken?” She gasps as her eyes stretch wide. “Did you already forget about Sonia and Melissa? Cause, I ain’t gonna lie, that makes me feel good.”

  “Are we good down here?”

  My eyes snap up to the bartenders and he takes a step back. “Fuck off, Freddie.”

  “Oh, don’t mind cranky pants here, Ed. He’s just got sand in his vagina. Can we get more tequila?” Case lifts the bottle and lets it dangle listlessly in her hands. “Ours is
empty.”

  Asshole’s eyes narrow on the bottle. “Did you drink that whole thing? That’s a lot of booze for a small chick.”

  “Ugh,” Casey groans. “I know I’m small, okay? I know I’m ‘fun-sized’ and ‘pocket sized’ and all the other lame jokes tall people like to crap on with, but no, Edgar, I didn’t drink it all. Leo had about half, he just has better balance than me.” Casey sways dangerously to the side as she demonstrates how unbalanced she can be. “We just need another bottle, kthanks.”

  “Sorry girl. I can’t give you any more. They’ll probably already have to pump your stomach.”

  Casey turns on her pouty eyes. “But we have money.”

  “Sorry, Tink. I’d feel real bad if you died tonight.”

  Casey turns on her smolder eyes and she flutters her lashes. “Please Edgar?”

  Even I smile at her poor attempt at flirting. She looks like a porcupine having a seizure. Ed bites back his smirk as he side eyes me, then he looks back to Case.

  “Sorry, hon. No more. I can’t.”

  Casey’s hands whip out scarily fast considering her inebriation. She swipes the last three full shot glasses and she downs two of them instantly. She slides the third across the bar and rests it against my hand. “It’s on me, Leo. Cause I love you. Meanwhile, I’m going to dance.”

  Casey slips off the stool and Ed and I watch as she stumbles her way across the bar. “Hey Leo, she really your best friend?”

  I look back to Ed and nod. “She used to be.”

  “She mean something to you?”

  I nod again. “She means everything to me.”

  Edgar taps his knuckles against the bar again. “Right, well you better get her drunk ass off my bar and get her to her bed before she’s arrested.”

  My head snaps to my left; she’s literally dancing on the bar and some dudes are already slipping cash into her skirt belt. Fuck, she’s hard work sometimes.

  I jump up from my seat to rescue her. I thought I was just buzzing, but when I stumble to the side the way we used to when we’d spin in circles as kids, I realize I’m almost as fucked as she is.

  At least my heart doesn’t hurt right now, though that may have less to do with the booze and more to do with the fact she’s right here in front of me. She’s with me and she’s not crying.

  I push some pervert fuckers out of my way, then I grab her around her knees and throw her over my shoulder. My left hand comes up to her ass to shield any pricks who want a peek at what’s mine, then I carry her out of the bar and toward the elevators.

  She needs to go to bed before she does something she’ll regret.

  “Hey Leo.” She slaps my ass as I walk and I bark out a laugh. “Did you know they have Darth Vader marry couples here, just like Korean Elvis.”

  “No Sunshine.” I slap her ass too, because it’s right there and I’ve missed it. “I didn’t know that.”

  I concentrate on my steps as I sway three steps left for every step forward. We’ll be okay. I won’t drop her.

  Twenty Five

  Tink

  Walk and Talk

  I reach down as my head and arms dangle over Jon’s back and I slap his jean covered butt. “Hey Leo, follow me.”

  “Follow you?” he laughs. “Where? You’re on my shoulder and facing behind me. You want me to turn around?” He spins so fast I giggle then swallow down – swallow up? – the impending tequila regurgitation.

  “Yeah,” I concentrate on not vomiting. “Turn around. I wanna show you something.”

  “I think we should go to bed. You’re drunnnnk.”

  “I think you should put me down, I’m siiiiick.”

  Jon laughs wildly, a carefree barking laugh that reminds me of times gone by and I smile even as I cover my mouth. Jon pulls me back over his shoulder and slides my body down the front of his. I know the sneaky devil did it on purpose, and I know he slid me down over his thick thigh to get a reaction, but I’m too damn drunk to even try to lie to myself. It felt good.

  Jon throws his beefy arm heavily over my shoulder and I feel my knees buckle momentarily before I buck up and carry his heavy ass. “Come this way.” I know I saw a sign a minute ago for what I want. I was upside down and turned around when I saw it, but I bet if we walk around on our hands and went backwards we’d find it.

  “Where you taking me, Sunshine?”

  “We’re going to see Darth Vader.”

  Jon pulls me tight against his side. “But Rogue One is still months away. You think they got an early showing?”

  “No dummy, they don’t have an early show. Just trust me. This’ll be fun.” Oh boy, in my head, this is gonna be hilarious.

  “You know,” Jon slurs as we step to the side and he almost falls on me. “You should never trust a person that says trust me. It’s like the bat signal for I can’t be trusted.”

  I stop on the spot and look up into Jon’s big beautiful eyes. “You don’t trust me?”

  “You?” Jon sways at the same time I sway and we fall against a giant statue of… something. I don’t even know what it is, but he has the face of a dog, a leaf covering his junk and his leaf is almost in my mouth. “No, Sunshine. I trust you impletely.” Jon’s brow furrows and his lip comes between his teeth while he thinks. “Expressly? Implessly? Exprisitly. Fuck!” Jon stands up tall though he sways some more. “I’m an educated scholar. I know words. Fuck the English for making English so tricky.”

  I laugh as I fall against his broad chest, my former pillow for the longest time. They just don’t sell them like this. I’ve looked. “You’re not a scholar you dummy. You’re a fighter with a big head and a stubborn streak a mile long.”

  Jon’s hand comes down to cup my chin as his eyes work to catch mine. “Is that why you won’t love me? Cause I’m a dummy? Cause I can go back to school if you want. I’ll be anything you want me to be.”

  “I don’t want you to be anything, Jon. ‘Cept happy.”

  “You make me happy.” Jon’s plump lips press down softly against mine and I sigh. I’ve missed those too.

  I push him away gently. “C’mon, you still didn’t let me take you where we’re going. It’s just ‘round the corner here somewhere.” Damn this place for having so many corners.

  “Aha!” I thrust my arm toward the statue in the middle of the walkway. “I found him.”

  “You found Darth Vader? You really do have a crush on Anakin, huh? I don’t like this shit. I should belt him.”

  “Shhh!!!” My shoosh is really loud and people stop to look at us. “Spoiler alert, Jon! Not everyone knows Ani is ol’ man Vader.”

  “Sunshine.” Jon picks me up roughly and throws me over his shoulder again. My stomach lands on his solid muscle with a thwump and I work not to puke everywhere. “I think the whole world knows who Darth Vader is now.”

  “Not everyone is as obsessed as you, Leo. Please put me down, we’ve got somewhere to be.”

  “Tell me where to go and I’ll take you.”

  “Okay, my big strong Leo. Follow my pointer fingers.”

  Jon spins on the spot then around again. “I can’t see your hands!”

  “I know, dummy! Cause you put me up here. Just walk backwards and I’ll tell you left and right.”

  Jon laughs and it almost sounds like a giggle. A giggle from meathead Jon Hart has me giggling along with him. “That sounds really dangerous.”

  “Are you scared, Leo? Lions don’t get scared.”

  Jon slaps my ass and I let out a surprised squeak. “I’m not scared of falling, I’m scared of squishing you if I fall.”

  “I trust you, big boy. Walk backwards and go straight for eleven paces.”

  “Eleven?” He laughs and bounces me. “How do you know how many paces I need? Also, paces? Are we pirates?”

  “Yarrrr! Walk the plank you scallywag. No seriously,” I snort as Jon slaps my ass again. “Walk. We don’t have all night.”

  “But we do, Sunshine. We have all night.” Jon literally does a hi
p thrust and I almost cry with laughter.

  “No you idiot, the sign said we have until midnight, and don’t ever do that again. It’s embarrassing.”

  “You don’t want me to hump the air?”

  “Not right now, but we’ll have all night for all the hip thrusting you want. First we gotta go see Darth Vader. Turn left now.”

  Jon turns right and my head almost smashes into the wall. “Left! I said left!”

  “Oops.” Jon laughs as he changes directions. “We just saw Darth Vader. He was back there, dumbass.”

  “Nope, we’re going to say hey to the other one but first we gotta see the fat lady. Have you got ninety-three dollars?”

  “I knew you’d send me broke one day, Sunshine. It’s been a ploy all these years, hasn’t it?”

  “Yeah,” I laugh and hit his back. “It’s been a ploy, my long game all along was to get my sticky hands on your ninety-three dollars.”

  It takes what feels like hours for Jon to walk backwards through the giant casino to the offices that the sign pointed us to. We stop at the desk with the old fat lady I saw earlier and she looks up and sneers at my upside down face. “Can I help you?” She says it in a nasally voice, like that chick from the monsters cartoon that Evie likes to watch and I snort in her face.

  “Yes please,” I giggle. “We’d like--”

  I let out a squeal and grab onto Jon’s hips as he spins us and I almost lose my head again. “We want to get married. I have the hundred bucks, you can keep the change.”

  She shakes her head and rolls her eyes at us. I know, because I’m peeking past Jon’s ribs and my head is poking near his arm pit. He doesn’t even smell. “You can’t get married if you’re intoxicated.” The nasally voice hurts my brain.

  Jon shakes his head, swaying to the side as he slurs his words. “We’re not drunk.”

  “You also can’t get married if she can’t even stand on her own two feet.”

  “No, she can stand. Up we go.” Jon slaps my ass again, then he flips me down over his shoulder and I get the distinct impression this is exactly how Evie feels when all the guys toss her around. “Stand up, Sunshine.”