by Joseph Hayes
“Danny Flynn was found dead in his garage earlier today,” the Chief said. “A handgun was at his side, but he never used it. He died of asphyxiation in his SUV. He sat in the garage with the engine running. That note was found next to him.”
Jake read the note:
“Time for me to check out. Got no reason to live. Tell Jake McShane I’m sorry. It was me that ran him off the road. I didn't mean to. It was Johnny's car. I thought he was Johnny. Tell my wife she's a cheap unfaithful whore. Tell Johnny McShane to go to hell.”
.
“That bastard!” Jake said. “That mean-spirited, cowardly bastard. He got off way too easy. He should be rotting in jail for the next fifty years. He took the coward's way out.”
Jake was crumpling the note in his fist without realizing it. Chief Tomczak gently grabbed his hand. “I'll need that, Jake. It's evidence.”
Jake handed the note back to the burly Chief of Police. Tomczak put his hand on Jake's shoulder. “I'm sorry, son. I know this must be hard. I better go inform the ex-wife.”
It was hard. Jake had known that someone deliberately had forced him off the road and caused Amanda's death. But learning the identity of the killer put things in a different light. He now had a target for his rage, but it was a target beyond reach. His thoughts turned to Johnny and Corey.
“So you’re planning on sharing this note with Corey, his ex-wife?” Jake asked.
“She needs to know what happened,” the Chief replied. “She's not the next-of-kin, since they're divorced, but she’s the mother of his kids.”
“I understand, Chief. She should know that Flynn committed suicide. But can you let me decide when and how to tell her about that?” he asked, pointing to the note.
The Chief hesitated. He folded up the note slowly and put it in his pocket. “Sure, Jake. It’s against protocol, but after all you’ve been through, it’s the least I can do. I’ll keep this as evidence, and leave it to you to decide what to tell them.”
“Thanks, Chief.”
CHAPTER 61
Jake was back in his office the following morning. He had been finding it difficult to focus since the conclusion of the trial, and last night’s news had him feeling even more distracted. He spent some time reviewing the drafts of the USH settlement documents, but quickly realized he had neither the energy nor the concentration for that task, so he decided to spend the day catching up on the mountain of phone messages that had piled up during the trial.
By late afternoon, he had returned all of the most pressing calls and started wading through those that were less urgent. He played back his recorded messages, jotting down names and phone numbers, and stopped when he heard a familiar voice. “Jake—Johnny here. Just heard about the trial. I’d like to buy the city's finest lawyer a beer. Give me a call.” The message had been left a week earlier, but Jake had been too preoccupied to return the call. The thought of a rendezvous with Johnny at one of their old Western Avenue hangouts was appealing—like old times. And, after Chief Tomczak’s visit the previous evening, he had another reason for meeting with Johnny.
Jake made arrangements with Peggy to have Anna go directly to her house after school and promised to pick her up before bedtime. He arrived at Riley's Pub at seven o'clock, and found Johnny already there, sitting in his usual spot near the back. A bottle of champagne in an ice bucket was waiting for him.
Johnny made a congratulatory toast, and then pressed Jake for a play-by-play account of the trial. He listened with rapt attention as Jake recounted the highlights, from start to finish.
“After all that work, and then the intensity and drama of the trial, it must be hard to put it behind you,” Johnny observed. "Do you still find yourself thinking about it all the time?”
“Surprisingly, no,” Jake replied. “It's such a relief to have it over. I don’t think about the trial or USH much at all. But it really has caused me to do a lot of reflection, not about the case itself, but about the people involved. And about myself. This case brought me into contact with people that really left an impression on me—some good, some bad. I try not to think about the bad ones – that just makes me angry and bitter. But I can't stop thinking about some of the good people that have crossed my path.”
Jake paused and pensively stared at the champagne he was swirling slowly in its glass. “I've seen some striking examples of how one person's life can touch so many others in a positive way. I've been thinking a lot about Mickey Quinn, how our legal system failed him, and how egregiously wronged he was. And yet despite all that, he's been able to rise above it. I think about the lessons I learned as a kid working in his store, his commitment to making life better for others, and the sense of dignity and hope he's been able to maintain even after all he's been through. What an amazing man! I also think about Shooter, and his brother, Jerome. They grew up just a few miles from you and me, but they were born into a different universe. They were surrounded by poverty, drugs and gangs. They didn't have a loving mother and father who were always there for them. They both spent time in jail. But somehow they rose above all that and straightened their lives out. Now they’ve devoted themselves to helping other inner city kids and trying to steer them in the right direction. They tried to give me credit for putting them on the right path, but I think I've learned more from them than the other way around.”
Johnny listened quietly. He could tell that Jake was speaking not just to him, but also to himself, trying to sort through his thoughts and emotions.
Jake continued. “I think about Amanda in the same way: all the students she inspired, the patients she comforted, the clinic she founded, which is flourishing and doing so much good for so many people. She, and Mickey, and Shooter—they all made a difference. They've touched a lot of lives and truly made the world a better place.”
“It's funny, isn't it?” said Johnny. “How one person can impact so many others, often without even realizing it. And their goodness radiates to an ever-widening circle of people.”
Jake continued staring at his drink and nodded slowly. “That seems so obvious, but I'm only now just getting it. Last time we were here, you pointed out that I was living the life of a selfish bastard—putting myself above everything else. You said –”
“I don't think that's quite what I said,” Johnny protested.
“Well, it was something close to that, and you were absolutely right. I've been way too focused on my own accomplishments and achievements. Shooter put it in slightly different terms, but he made the same point. He said that he’d spent most of his life trying to earn respect, and that took him down the wrong path. He pointed out that if we’re trying to earn respect and admiration, we’re really being self-centered. Respect from others shouldn’t be a goal in itself. It should be a byproduct of living the right kind of life. The goal should be living your life the right way—by really focusing on others. I think most people accept this conceptually when they think about it, but how many of us make it a guiding principle in our life that affects all of our interactions and everything we do? For some people, like you or Amanda or Mickey, living that way is as natural as breathing. For others, it takes real effort. I know it doesn't come naturally to me, but after our previous conversation, I had made up my mind that things would be different. Amanda was doing so much good for so many people, I was determined to find a way to put her first in my life—I mean really first. I would've changed jobs. I would’ve taken her back to California to be near her family. I would’ve supported her career anyway I could.” Jake's eyes began to fill with tears, and he lowered his voice to a whisper to keep it from breaking. “She deserved all that and so much more, and I never got to do that for her.” He paused to keep control of his emotions. “This is so hard, Johnny. It wasn't supposed to be this way. We were supposed to grow old together. I feel so … cheated.”
Johnny leaned across the table and put his hand on Jake's forearm. “You're right, Jake. It’s a terrible tragedy. Nothing can change that. I know you miss her desp
erately, and your life will be entirely different than you expected. But think about this: Most people will never have what you and Amanda had—never! Think about how great it was that she came into your life. She was such a special person, and of all the men in the world, she chose to spend her life with you. And when you look back on your life as an old man, you’ll be so grateful for the time you had with her. And she’ll always be a part of you, Jake. Not just because of the memories – because of the impact she had on your life. She shaped the way you look at things, the way you think and the way you act. She gave you your precious little girl, who is so much a part of both of you. You have every right to grieve over her loss—and you should. You have to, in order to get through this. But you should also realize how tremendously blessed you are to have shared part of your life with her.”
“I do realize that, I really do,” said Jake, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. “I still talk to her all the time – sometimes in my head and sometimes out loud. It helps me feel close to her, and I don’t ever want to lose that closeness. But I also know I need to get on with my life. I just don’t know how to do both.” His voice cracked and then trailed away. His shoulders shook as a fit of quiet sobs overtook him. He stared at the floor, unable to look at his cousin.
Johnny let a few moments pass and then gripped Jake’s forearm even tighter. “Look at me, Jake.”
Jake took a deep, audible breath and hesitantly looked across the table. “You are the strongest person I know,” Johnny said. Tears were streaming down Johnny’s face too, but his expression was bright and his voice was clear and urgent. “Whatever you’ve set your mind to, you’ve accomplished. You will get through this. You will learn from it. Somehow, despite the pain and the sorrow and the loss, you will find a way to bring some good out of this! I know that just as sure as I’m sitting here.”
“I wish I had your confidence, Johnny. From where I sit right now, that seems so out of reach. I just keeping hoping for some kind of sign that I can turn the corner and life can be good again, but so far, I’m not seeing it.” Jake wiped his eyes again and took another deep, shaky breath to steady his voice.
“You’ll be fine, Jake. Life will be good again. I promise! Have you ever known me to lie?” he asked with a grin.
“Well, now that you mention it, there was the time back in high school that you stayed out all night with Corey and told your parents you were playing poker at my house. That didn’t work out so well. And how about the time with Coach Gleason at football practice when –”
“Alright smartass, enough!” They both laughed through their tears at the memories. “Obviously, I’m a lousy liar. The point is, I’m not lying to you now or we’d both know it!”
Jake nodded slowly. He was composed now. “You’ve always been there for me, Johnny. It means more than you’ll ever know. Thank you.”
“Anytime, pal.”
They clinked glasses, finished their champagne, and headed toward the exit. On the sidewalk in front of the bar, Jake stopped and said, “What a lousy friend I am! We haven’t even talked about you. How’s Corey? How’s married life?”
“She’s doing great and we couldn’t be happier! Hey, can you stand a little good news?”
“Absolutely. I could use some.”
“You can go home and tell Anna she’s going to have a new second cousin.”
Jake’s mind felt sluggish, and he stared blankly at Johnny for a few moments until comprehension clicked in. “Corey? Is she pregnant?”
Johnny was beaming and nodded happily.
Jake gave his cousin a high five, followed by a rough bear hug. “That’s great, Johnny! That’s fantastic! I’m really happy for you. That’s the best news I’ve heard in a long time. Anna will be thrilled!”
As they walked toward the parking lot, Johnny chattered about the due date, the baby name discussion, and his excitement about fatherhood. Jake listened attentively. There was something uplifting about seeing Johnny overcome with joy and realizing that, despite his grief, he could share in that joy. That realization aroused an emotion he had not felt in some time and it was heartening just to know he could feel it again. He felt hope.
Upon reaching his car, Johnny rattled the keys in his pocket and eyed his cousin, looking serious again. “So, Jake, I almost forgot. You mentioned on the phone that you had some news about Danny Flynn?”
Jake thought about the suicide note. Johnny was as happy as Jake had ever seen him. Corey was embarking on a new life with an optimism and hope that had long been missing. If he told them that Flynn was responsible for Amanda’s death, they would be torn with guilt. They shouldn’t be, but they would be.
Jake avoided Johnny’s stare and looked up at the streetlight. “Aw, I’d heard a rumor, but it turned out to be nothing. The less we think about that lowlife, the better.”
“Yeah, ain’t that the truth?” Johnny replied. He climbed into his car and gunned the engine. “Catch you later.”
Jake crossed Western Avenue and began the short walk toward Peggy’s house to pick up Anna, enjoying the cool night air, the quiet and the solitude. Memories came rushing back as he approached the old garage where he and Amanda had found shelter from the rain on the night they decided to get married. He stopped and stared at the place under the eaves where they had huddled together trying to stay dry. He visualized their passionate kiss in the driving rain after they had made their decision to spend their lives together. The crippling sorrow that he’d been trying so hard to keep dammed up within himself threatened to come crashing through.
He turned his back on the old garage and resumed his stroll through the neighborhood. He had walked these streets late at night hundreds of times when he was in high school and college. The quiet neighborhood and the fresh air had always been conducive to reflection about his life and dreaming about the future. It was a moonless night, and the darkness accentuated the warm glow of the interior lights of the homes along his route. Jake thought about the people in those houses, living their lives – their normal lives – a concept that now seemed so elusive to him.
His walk took him to Crescent Park, a small city park located just three blocks from his boyhood home. Tucked neatly in the midst of this residential neighborhood, it was generally unknown and unvisited except by those who lived in the immediate area. There would be no reason for anyone from outside the neighborhood to travel to the tiny park, since it offered few amenities: two worn-out tennis courts and what passed for a baseball diamond – just an old backstop in the corner of a large grassy field. To Jake, however, Crescent Park had once been the center of his universe. Baseball had been his passion during his Little League years, and he and legions of other ten-to-twelve-year-old boys would gather at the park and play baseball all day long, every day, until darkness fell. They loved it. They never tired of it. The joy of the game and the camaraderie during those leisurely summer days was something special.
Jake sat down on the old wooden bench where he had spent countless hours between games or while waiting for enough players to field a team. The initials he had carved there over twenty years ago were exactly where he remembered them, a bit faded, but plainly visible. He stared out over the dark field, conjuring up the ghosts of his childhood friends, hearing their voices and watching their youthful faces as they sped around the bases. He visualized himself roaming centerfield, chasing down long fly balls at breakneck speed, in a state of sheer exhilaration. He sat on the bench, eyes fixated on the empty field for what seemed like a long time. He savored the memories and couldn’t keep from smiling.
He had everything he needed in those days to be completely happy. As he contemplated that notion, he thought about how his life had progressed from there. Unlike many of his childhood companions, he had once again found himself in a situation where he had all the ingredients for a happy and fulfilling life – those times when Amanda was part of his life. Johnny was right. He should be grateful that life had given him that rare and wonderful gift. He knew that, but as
he contemplated life with Amanda, the sorrow in his heart began to overtake him again. Tears welled up in his eyes. His thoughts drifted back to his conversation with Johnny. That visit had lefty him with the smallest trace of encouragement and hope. He wanted so badly to believe that he could get to a place where he once again would have all he needed to be genuinely happy, and be able to live his life with a sense of purpose. “Get a grip!” he said aloud, shaking his head as he stood up from the bench. He sighed deeply as he stared at the starry sky. “Just give me a sign … something … anything …,” he whispered to the night.
He continued staring toward the heavens until his thoughts were interrupted by the vibration from his cell phone. He pulled it out of his pocket, the phone glowing in the darkness with a picture of the caller. It was Anna, her smiling face looking so much like a 7-year-old version of Amanda.
“Hi, baby girl,” he answered.
“Hi Daddy! When are you coming to get me?”
“I’m on my way. Be there in just a few minutes.”
“Okay. Bye.”
Jake stared at her picture for several seconds. He smiled at the sound of that cheerful, precious little voice. Tears again welled up in his eyes, but they were no longer tears of sorrow. He put the phone away. Through watery eyes, he stared up once more at the silent sky and then he broke into a brisk, purposeful stride. The phone rang. Again, he saw Anna’s face smiling up at him.
“Hi sweetheart. Everything okay?”
“Yes. I just forgot to tell you something. I love you, Daddy! Bye.”
The End