Have I thought about you in other ways? Of course I have. But I don’t want to risk what we have.”
I grasp onto the one thing he said that is on the same track as my mind with both hands and squeeze at it. “You’ve thought about me in other ways?”
“Well, yeah, of course I have.”
“What kind of other ways?”
“Oh come on, Lilith. You don’t want to go there.” He actually squirms a little and I can’t help but find it a little cute.
“I don’t?”
“No?” He doesn’t sound so sure anymore.
“But what if I do want to go there?” I challenge. I don’t know why I’m pushing this but after being rejected about the love thing, I need something from him.
“Fine. You want to go there? We’ll go there.”
Before I can react to his one eighty on the subject, he moves his hands from my shoulders so they’re wrapped around me and then his mouth is on my own.
I’m not sure if this is just what it feels like or if it’s because it’s Jason, I don’t know, but when our lips touch, a jolt goes through me, my stomach flips and my knees weaken a little. Thankful for his hold on me, I wrap my arms around him and lose myself in the kiss when he deepens it.
“You know that was my first kiss ever?” I ask Jason, remembering the night with a fondness I haven’t felt in years.
“Of course I know, I knew it then too.”
“How?”
“We spent all our time together, don’t you think I would have noticed if you were spending time with some other boy?” He laughs at me.
“I think the boys were afraid of me. No one asked me out until we stopped talking.”
“I know that too.” He shrugs. “Everyone knew that you were mine.”
“I wasn’t yours!”
“You were. We might have been slow on the figuring it out part, but everyone else could see there was something going on between us.”
“Do you think so?” I ask and try to remember if anyone ever said anything about it to me.
“I know so.”
“Still, we need to get the part that really changed everything.”
“The sex part?”
“No,” I throw another pillow at his head, but he doesn’t try to dodge it this time. “After that part.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh. That’s when it all went wrong.”
“But if you think about it really hard, it didn’t go down the way you think it did.”
“What do you mean?”
“Tell me what you remember and I’ll tell you what you’re not seeing.”
“Are you okay?”
“Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?”
I look up at Jason, resting my chin on his chest. We’re still completely naked and laying on the floor but there’s nowhere I’d rather be right now. “I’m fine.” I smile and when I replace my chin with my cheek, he holds me just a little tighter.
Do I regret that my first time was on the floor?
No. I don’t and I never can because it was with Jason. My best friend and now my… my what?
Oh shit.
Does this change things? I mean, obviously it does. I’m not stupid. But how will it change?
“What’s wrong?” He asks, proving that he knows me better than anyone else does.
“Nothing, just thinking.” I smile against his chest. “I’m glad it was you. I’m glad my first time was with someone I trust so completely.”
“Me too.”
We lay there for a while longer in silence which is only broken when Jason finally moves.
“Do we have to? I’m so comfortable.” I pout when he stands and pulls on his jeans, no underwear.
“You should get dressed, Lil.”
I sit up and grab the first soft thing that my hand touches and use it cover myself. Lil… he never calls me Lil. Never. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I just can’t have you laying on my floor naked all night.”
“Jase… what’s really going on? Your mum isn’t due back until Sunday so I know you’re not worried about someone coming in here and finding me. Besides, it wouldn’t exactly be a surprise, I’m always over here.”
“Not naked, you’re not.” He points out.
“Okay, okay. I’ll get dressed.” I frown down at the shirt in my hands and hastily pull it over my head. This is not how I imagined it was going to be for us.
“You should get going, your dad’s going to wonder where you are.”
“Since when has that been a problem? He knows where I am.” I jump on the spot to pull up my jeans. “Do you want to tell me what the hell has gotten into you?”
“You need to go home.” He says it so firmly that I can’t even say ‘no’.
That doesn’t mean I can’t put up an argument.
“I will,” I agree. “Once we’ve talked about what has happened here tonight. We need to talk about it.”
He still says nothing so to drive my point home, I walk closer to him until there’s less than foot between us. “Jase, I don’t know why you’re acting like this right now, but if I’ve ever needed you to be you, it’s nothing compared to how I need you right now. Tell me what’s going on. Please.”
It takes a few seconds but when I finally see it, I step back out of shock. Is that… disgust, I can see in his eyes?
Oh God. He regrets it.
When he turns and walks away only looking back once when he reaches the door, I know nothing will ever be the same between us again.
“Wait, you think I regretted it immediately? That I was disgusted?” Jason asks now looking incredulous.
“You did. I know what I saw.” And apparently, it still hurts if the empty pit in my stomach is anything to go by.
“That wasn’t disgust, Lily. And if you saw any regret, it was for what I did next. I never should have walked out. I should have handled that differently, but everything had changed between us and I knew I would fuck it up. It was a messed up way of thinking but it was better to hurt you then than it would have been to wait for me to do something worse a month or two later.”
This time when he walks out of the room, leaving me alone, he doesn’t look back and I don’t wish that he’d stay.
Twenty Seven
(Day 3)
It’s been a three days since Jason and I took a stroll down memory lane. I’m not going to lie, the guy is killing me.
I mean, not literally killing me but its torture.
After we revisited the past which, by the way, didn’t really solve anything, all it did was remind of better my life was before all the bad stuff started happening, we haven’t really done much. He mostly watches me and he wasn’t kidding about not letting me having any pills either, he hasn’t given me a moment alone, if I didn’t know better, I’d swear he waits until I’m sleeping to use to the bathroom.
But right now is the first time I’ve had a moment on my own. I have the biggest headache ever and the ibuprofen Jason gave me for it haven’t budged it an inch. I know it’s not a regular headache though, it’s because of the same reason why my stomach started feeling as though someone is stabbing it and the same reason I haven’t been able to keep my hands still.
I need my pills.
I need them because my body is used to them and trying to get off them is probably just ridiculous, I should be weaned off them slowly. Not because it’s an addiction but because it’s what my body is used to. Like if you have a certain breakfast every morning and then one day you just stop eating breakfast, you’re going to react, right?
It’s just like that.
Which is why it’s so damn frustrating that for the first time in about five years, I can’t find any damn pills.
I flip over another throw cushion and search behind the sofa.
“There has to be some around here somewhere.” I stand up and push my hair out of my face. If I could just think for a minute I’d remember where I put them.
Or�
� Maybe, I dropped some.
It’s not that much of a stretch, right? I must have dropped some at some point right?
With this thought in the front of my mind, I get down to my hands and knees and start looking under the sofa, using the flashlight app on my phone to search places I can’t reach but the light makes my head throb even more.
I just need one.
Maybe two. And then I’ll be okay. It’ll be okay. Everything will go back to normal.
“What are you doing?”
I jump at the sound of Jason’s voice and bump my head on the back of sofa.
“Damn it, Jason. Don’t sneak up on me like that!” The fact that I’m on the verge of tears is really no surprise to me, apparently not to Jason either.
“What are you doing on the floor?”
“You know exactly what I’m doing and it’s your fault.” I stand from the floor because honestly, focusing my anger on something real feels so damn good. “Is this what you wanted? You wanted to see me at my worst? You wanted to see how low I could possibly go? Because searching on the floor for a pill that I might have dropped a few months ago, is pretty damn low.”
“Yeah,” He agrees, sliding his hands into his jeans pockets. “It is. But you’re not going to find any. I searched this place top to bottom, there are no pills here, Lily. Give it up.”
“Right now, I think I hate you more than I’ve ever hated you.”
“Want to watch a movie?”
I don’t have anything to say so instead of standing there and spluttering like an idiot, I shove by him, making sure I check his shoulder on the way to the kitchen.
(Day 7)
Okay, so remember how I said that searching on the floor for forgotten pills was pretty low? Well, it turns out I can go lower. I begged.
I freaking begged.
Of course, Jason wasn’t having any of it and won’t hand over the pills that I know he’s stashed somewhere inside the house. As soon as he leaves, because he has to at some point, right? Well, as soon as he does, I’m going to tip the house upside down if I have to.
Lexi came over today. She doesn’t know what’s going on but I guess Jason must have told her something because when he asked her to do some grocery shopping for us, she did it without asking any questions and all she did when she got here was drop them off, smirk at me and she left.
I glare at Jason. He looks so comfortable and relaxed sitting there reading. He’s just made himself right at home. I shift on the chair to see if he shows any reaction to my movement. He doesn’t.
Maybe I could just quietly slip out of the room and he wouldn’t notice…
“Don’t.” He says without looking up.
“I wasn’t going to do anything.” I roll my eyes at him.
“Uh huh.” He smirks at his book but I know it’s meant for me since that seems to be the thing to do around here lately.
He’s also stopped talking to me. He says no more than one or two words to me every few hours and those are usually ‘hungry?’ or ‘drink?’
I don’t know the reason for the sudden silence, but it’s just one more reason that my frustration level is beyond manageable.
(Day 10)
“Make it stop,” I choke out as another stream of retches takes over.
I’ve been throwing up for about a day and a half now. It started in the middle of the night and I haven’t left the bathroom for longer than an hour since. Jason has been in here with me for all of that time. I got over my wanting to be sick on my own pretty quickly. It’s not even the throwing up that bothers me, it’s the pain. The twisting and shooting pains in my stomach.
“God, please.” My voice is so horse that it now hurts to talk. My weeping has subsided though, it’s like even my tears know that this is going to end anytime soon.
“I’m so damn sorry, Lily,” Jason runs a cold cloth over the back of my neck. I don’t know why, it’s not helping. “I wish I could make it stop.”
“How do I even have any left to bring up?” I ask even though I know the answer.
“It’s the water you’re drinking.” He tells me anyway.
I lay my head on the cold porcelain and close my eyes. I’m going to be spending another night in here and at the moment, I can’t think of a single reason as to how this is even remotely worth it.
Twenty Eight
(Four days later)
I’ve figured out that when you make a change in your life like I am right now, there are stages.
Stage One – Denial; Did that.
Stage Two – Cravings; The sofa incident.
Stage Three – Withdrawals; did that too.
Stage Four – More cravings; I don’t want to talk about it.
Stage Five – Your body flushes itself; I puked for two days.
Stage Six – Exhaustion; I slept for three days.
Stage Seven – Realising what you’ve becoming and pushing away anyone who shows that they might care about you.
That’s where I am now, so I’m guessing it’s a stage. But I could have it all wrong and this could very well all just be in my head.
Who knows?
I certainly don’t. Not anymore.
But I do know that Stage Seven doesn’t come alone, when you’re feeling down and dragging your self-esteem over rusted nails, you get hit with the next stage.
Stage Eight – Facing everything that you used to the drugs to try and forget.
So, not only am I facing the fact that I somehow went from the sweet girl who thought her boyfriend hung the moon to a girl who used pills to get through the day, I’m also forced to face that everyone I love is now dead.
Grief is a funny thing. Not funny as in ‘ha ha, my stomach hurts from laughing so hard’ but funny as in ‘Oh my God, I don’t think I’m going to make it through this.’ You know, the ‘you laugh or cry’ kind of funny. And I don’t have any tears left. Of that I’m about sixty-five percent sure.
So now that my ‘pretend it didn’t happen so much that you’ll soon start believing it’ system is no longer in use, I have to face, not only my most recent loss, but the losses from five years ago too. The only problem is that now that they’re there in the front of my mind, they’re all just as equally fresh as if they just happened this morning.
If I could go back, would I? Defiantly.
I’d rather deal with one death at a time, which is what I should have done, instead I’m stuck with the three of them. But I have to say, if getting of the pills didn’t kill me – which it hasn’t yet, then this might be what finally does.
How do you deal with something like that?
You don’t.
You use whatever you can to distract yourself from it because as soon as you let that pain penetrate, I don’t think you can ever just let it pass, you have to deal with it and whether you make it out after it will define who you are for the rest of your life. I’ve just gotten over one hurdle, I’m not ready for another just yet.
Luckily for me, I have a walking, talking distraction right here in my house.
One who is currently trying to talk me into going outside and talking a walk.
“I’m not going out there. Even if I was ready to go outside, you’re the last person I’d take a lazy Sunday stroll with.”
“You can’t be mad at me forever, Lily.” He tells me, which is what he’s been telling me for a couple of days now. He’s also gone back to constantly calling me Lily, as if trying to remind me of who I used to be and who he used to be to me.
“You’re not wrong, Jason, I can’t be mad at you forever because I won’t live forever, but I can be mad at you for as long as I do.” I flip through my magazine, not really reading anything since I’ve already read every magazine that is in the house about three times already.
“Okay, so we’re going to do this, huh? Why are you mad at me?” He uses the TV remote to switch it off and then drops it on the coffee table.
“Why am I mad at you? Are you crazy? I can’t think of a reason wh
y I wouldn’t be mad at you.” Warming up to my subject now, I stand and pace in front of him. “I mean, let’s start with the fact that you not only took my virginity and then kicked me out of your house, but you also broke my heart that night. Then there’s was that stupid car ride with your cryptic ‘I know you, get out while you can,’ bullshit. Oh, and let’s not forget that stupid fake date, I mean what were you thinking? And then you come here and you… you… you, make me make all these changes and just expect me to be okay with everything? You think that knowing the reason I’m in so much pain right now is because of you and you seem to think it’s okay we go for a fucking walk together? You think I need fresh air, because clearly you know what’s best, right? This is all your fault. All your idea and now I’m stuck like this and I have all this shit going on inside my head and thanks to you, I can’t even have five fucking minutes alone to … to… to.. to do whatever it is I want to do!”
“Those are bullshit reasons. Maybe not the first two, but the rest of them are.”
“They are not.”
“Yes they are. The car thing? I knew something was off with you, I’ll admit I didn’t realise how bad, but damn it, Lily, I was right about that. The fake date wasn’t my fault, but it got you dating so it helped and you know it. The rest? That’s bullshit too. If I hadn’t moved myself in here, you’d still be wandering around taking accidental overdoses. Accidental overdoses for fucks sake. I mean, who does that?”
“No one does it, it was an accident!” I scream, proving that coming precariously close to losing it.
“Yeah, it was an accident, but what if the next time it wasn’t just a case of throwing up and passing out? What then? You’d be dead, that’s what.” I don’t know if it’s the look on my face or if what he just said hits home with him, but he seems to lose all his steam and slumps back in the chair with a sigh. “You could have died, Lily. Then what? You’re going to throw your life away, just like that? I didn’t have to come here and help you. I certainly didn’t have to lock myself up in here with you for almost two weeks, but I did, I have and I am because whether you like it or not, you needed someone to do this and you’re not through the worst of it yet. So, if that makes an arsehole or if that means you hate me, then so be it. At least you’ll be alive long enough to feel those things.”
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