“Fuck your purse, Rose. Come on.”
“I’m coming. Just get on and hold my spot!” a faraway voice replies.
I freeze as the metal door is slammed shut and added weight slightly rocks the cart back and forth.
Did I just hear…Rose…Grey…?
“Enjoy the sights, everyone,” a bored, rehearsed voice says.
“Wait!” I call out and look down below. He waves at me like he’s sending me off to my death. If looks count, then I definitely am on my way to see the other side, because when I slowly sit back and face the heated man before me, I feel his black eyes pierce through my skin and strike my heart. I gulp down a scream as he sits still, just glaring at me like I just rocked his world. And as if this awkward situation couldn’t be any worse, the car jolts back and forth, and then stops some feet in the air.
“Sit tight, please. There is a little technical difficulty,” that same bored voice announces.
You have got to be kidding me.
Chapter Seven
The wind picks up and ruffles my hair, but I don’t move to push it back. I’m too busy imagining how much worse this night can get. But I think it’d be too hard to top it. I’m stuck in the air with my ex-lover, who hates me more than he hates his mother, and that’s saying a lot. He probably wants the door to give way and for me to fall to my death. That’s maybe a bit exaggerated, but he must want it to happen. I broke his already fragile heart. I put some pieces back and promised him a future where he could be happy, where he didn’t have to live in darkness—I showed him the light. But then I eclipsed his hopes and shattered his heart like it meant nothing.
But he will always mean more to me than he could ever know.
I am pulled from my thoughts when the cart jolts slightly and gears grind, followed by shouting orders down below. People are trying to fix the ride, but they’re not moving fast enough. I feel like I’m drowning in this silence, in the ocean that separates us. It’s like we’re on two different islands and mine is flooding, and I can’t swim.
There’s mumbling, and it takes everything in me to not look at him. He’s on the phone with…with her.
“Yeah…you’ll never believe who I’m stuck with,” he spits into the receiver. He sounds like venom is poisoning his tongue, like I am poisoning his tongue, and he spits it out with an icy force that knocks all the air out of my body. There’s more mumbling and ice, then there’s nothing but silence and the wind whistling in my ears. I don’t have to look at him to know he’s mentally murdering me with those black eyes. I adored them, so to know they’ve transformed into daggers and are aimed at my heart breaks it before they can reach it.
“Are you going to just sit there?” he barks.
I swallow a thick lump in my throat. “What else do you want me to do, Grey?” My voice is low, shaky. I don’t know what I am supposed to do. I can’t talk to him, because he’ll only jump down my throat and make me want to throw myself to the ground. Maybe then I’ll finally be able to breathe…
He scoffs, and I can’t stop myself—I look at him. I was right, he is murdering me with those mesmerizing eyes. They glimmer with a flash of hatred so big and deep, it hurts so much I can barely breathe.
“Nothing, just—just sit there and act like you didn’t ruin us,” he says with a sharp edge to his voice.
“I’m not acting like anything,” I reply, balling my hands in my lap.
He scoffs, looking out at the sea. “Sure you aren’t.”
“Grey, I didn’t mean for what happened to happen,” I blurt.
“No one else wrote that entry for you, Liv—that was all you. You made me believe that what we had was real—you made me fall in love with you!” His veins strain against his tanned skin. Mixed with his pitch-black eyes and bared teeth, he resembles a monster, but he is no rival to what lies beneath my own skin. I am ten times worse than him—forever worse.
“I didn’t make you do anything!” I yell at him, and he scrunches up his face, remaining silent. “I didn’t make you fall in love with me. You did that yourself. I am the one who didn’t want to fall in love with you. I—” I take a deep breath and glance at the ground. “I just—I was focused on what I thought was right for my future…what I didn’t know was that you were going to become it, or at least, you became my present and hopeful future.”
He bursts out laughing, and I grip the metal seat beneath me. He stops and glares at me head-on. “Is that your excuse?” he says, incredulous. “Because of your fucking future? That was enough for you to go behind my back and treat me as a fucking project?” He barks so loud I flinch and blink back the tears rapidly. I will not let them spill, no matter how much they crave to glide down my flushed skin. I don’t want to appear weaker than I already am. It feels like I’m a little deer, a Bambi, and he’s a vengeful snake, ready to gobble me up and spit me right back out.
But I can’t hold back the six months of tears that have been brimming within my chest. First it’s a little hiccup, and then I’m catapulting in a long silence of sobbing. I try to wipe them away, but they just keep coming. And I can’t stop it. I want nothing more than to curl up in the corner and disappear, but there is nowhere I can go. We’re stranded in the air, and the only way out is too final. I can’t leave this world like this: him looking at me like I’m the worst person to ever exist. He used to look at me with so much love it hurt. And now he looks at me with so much hate, it hurts one million times more.
“You can’t act like we didn’t have anything at all, Grey,” I say when I get the tears under control. I look up through my eyelashes, and he’s still shooting me daggers. “We were in love once.”
“Yeah…once,” he spits. That cut me deep in my heart, and I find myself blinking back more tears. “We were good, Liv.” His voice has gone softer, but something tells me it won’t last long. “But then I found out who the real you was, and—” He takes a deep breath and clicks his tongue. Then he catches my gaze and says, with a blank face, his voice void of any emotion whatsoever, “And then everything I ever felt for you vanished. Poof! Back to the old me, and for the better.” He lets out a long sigh as I blink rapidly and gasp for air before I could pass out. “Maybe you were all I needed to see that there is nothing but vile, black things in everyone. There is no light, no hope…I thought I saw the exception in you, but I was wrong.”
That stung worse than anything else. You could have stabbed me with a butcher knife or told me I lost my spot at Penn State, or even that my parents were getting a divorce—none of it would have felt worse than this, this overwhelming, sickening pain that consumes me with every second that passes. I want to get out. I need to breathe; even though we are suspended in air, I have all that I could use. But I can’t find the ability to use my lungs. I am choking back tears while fighting for breath. I feel as though I’m going to pass out.
The cart suddenly shakes a bit, and then the sound of machine gears fills my ears, alongside my heart that’s racing incredibly fast in my eardrums. And then we slowly begin to descend, with the boy working the contraption apologizing for the inconvenience.
My eyes are blurry from the tears, but I can clearly see that the Grey I loved is not in front of me. There is a guy with his lips, and his eyes, and his leather jacket…but it’s not him. And as I wrap my arms around myself and blink back the tears that fall past my eyelashes anyway, I realize that I’m not the same Liv, either. I am what he classifies me as: a monster, a vile creature. One that never deserved his love, I realize. And I don’t deserve to expect him to ever forgive me…
“Hope you enjoyed the Grey, Olivia,” he says as he prepares to leave the cart. He looks back and quirks his lips into a sort of sad yet viciously wicked smirk and says in a low voice I know will always lurk in the back of my dreams, towering over me, clouding me, “Because you will never experience it ever again. Only the black and white, only the boring, the dull. And I pray it consumes you…”
***
The cool wind blows my hair and
tickles my neck as I peer over the cliff the beach house sits on. I still can’t breathe. It’s as though there is a blockage between my lungs and my throat. Everything is hitched, and my head is light. If it weren’t for the iron gate surrounding the edge, I’m certain I would fall over. I’d be crushed by rocks, and they’d find two halves of my heart in my chest when doing the autopsy. But they’d see that it’s been broken the second Grey walked out of his apartment, then shattered into a million more pieces when I last saw him on the Ferris wheel.
“Hey,” a voice booms behind me.
I don’t turn around.
I feel his presence before seeing him. He sighs but doesn’t move to say anything. It is silent for a long while, but it’s okay, I guess.
“You don’t have to stand here with me,” I say and close my eyes. “I don’t want to bring you down too.” I feel like taping a sign to my forehead that says, “Stay clear—black cloud approaching.” Even that would, probably, not be enough to ward people from my dark aura. All I do is ruin people. I’m a ruin-er.
Noah scoffs. “And miss standing here in absolute silence with you? As if.” I sense the humor in his voice and smile. He nudges my shoulder with his, and I smile a bit wider. Finally, I tilt my head back and take in his shadowed face. The other half, the visible part, shines with the moonlight beaming down on us from up above. His green eyes sparkle, and his teeth shine bright. We stand here, staring at each other, until I can’t take it anymore. I look away. I’ll only ruin him too…
Silence fills the air once again, and the wind picks up a little. I sigh as I wrap my arms around my stomach.
“Oh, here. Take this.” He holds out his denim jacket.
“I couldn’t.” I rub my bumpy skin, goosebumps covering me from head to toe. I curse myself for not grabbing a cardigan to cover my exposed arms.
“Fine, then I will,” he says, then I’m suddenly cloaked with warmth. He cinches the large, heavy jacket over my shoulders and brushes my hair back. I hold my breath and look into his eyes. An unknown emotion passes between us, my cheeks flush, and he quirks a small smile. I look away quickly and fidget on my feet.
“I think—I-I’m going to, um—I’m gonna head inside,” I stammer. I throw my thumb back at the lit-up house for emphasis.
He nods slowly and glances over his shoulder, then stares into my eyes. My breath hitches, and I take more steps back. He frowns for the slightest second, but then he’s baring a wide grin and nodding, his hands pushed in his shorts.
“I should get going too. But I’ll see you tomorrow?” He raises his eyebrows.
“Yeah, goodnight.” I give him an assuring smile before turning around and heading inside.
Chapter Eight
“Grey!” I scream his name, my voice shredding. The chains that once held me snap, and I launch out of the bed like a spring’s in my back. Fear grips me, nearly consuming me as he collapses to the ground. But I don’t let it stop me. He needs help. He’s holding his own heart, for God’s sake! “Grey!” I scream his name again, but it’s like he doesn’t hear me. He doesn’t budge or even pay attention to me as I run toward him with everything I have in me.
I am a foot away from him when the door slams open, and I fly back. I bounce off the wall and sprawl out on the floor. I cry out in pain, blood coating my lips. I’m pinned to the ground, and all of my oxygen is sucked out of my lungs. The pain building up in my head is excruciating, and I think I’m going to pass out.
“Oh, Grey, baby. Did the big bad Liv hurt you again?” a soft feminine voice rings out.
I strain my neck to find Rose peering down at Grey with a slack jaw. She rushes over to him in her crimson high heels and cradles his face.
“Grey!” I call out.
“Rose,” Grey croons with a soft smile.
“It’s okay, I’m here,” she coos and rubs his face. Slowly, she leans down and whispers over his mouth, “I’m not going…anywhere.” And then, flashing me a wolfish grin, she presses her lips to his. The fire that rips through me as I watch him kiss her back and pin her to the ground, feeling underneath her dress, feels infinite.
“No, no, no!”
“Stop, stop, stop it! Please, stop it! Grey—no!” I shoot up and hit the wall behind me. I scream over and over and choke on my tears. I feel hot, like I am set on fire. Sweat drenches my tank top and my shorts. I scramble to throw off the sheet and cradle my head.
This has been happening for months. The nightmares, not where Rose walks in and she and Grey make out. But him holding out his bloody, dripping heart. It’s a reminder of what I did to him, and he makes sure to torture me with it every. Single. Night. Not one has gone by without me waking up screaming my lungs out, crying my eyes out. I’ve had to go to the hospital for stronger pills, even stay over while they run tests on me to figure out how to stop the nightmares. But no number of pills or therapy can get rid of this gut-wrenching feeling of guilt that has seeped into my bones and made a home inside of my brain.
I jump up when I hear fumbling followed by, “Ah—shit!”
“Who is that?” I croak.
“It’s me. Livvy, you okay?” The bed dips, and I flash my eyes open. Noah tips my head back and looks me in the eyes.
“What—what are you doing here?” I push his hands away and try to cool down. But I can’t; not even the AC blasting is helping. I push past him as he speaks and sit under the large, installed air conditioner, clutching, holding my fists to my eyes, knees drawn up under my chest, closing my eyes. I can hear my heartbeat beating like crazy in my ears.
“Funny story,” he says and grunts. I open my eyes and look to my right. He smiles at me, hand lying lazily over his brought-up knee. A mischievous glint flashes in his emerald eyes. “I am totally plastered right now, and I didn’t want to go home and get lectured by my mother, so I came here.” He picks at the hem of his cargo shorts. “But then I saw you spazzing. What’s wrong?” He sounds concerned. He even puts his hand on my knee. I stiffen, and it’s silent before he slowly withdraws his hand and ruffles his feathery hair. “Sorry…”
“I just had a bad dream,” I tell him with an assuring smile.
He gives me a “Do you think I’m dumb?” look.
I look away from him and nudge my shoulder with his. “I think you should go.” I push to my feet and slide back under the sheets. I don’t feel like spilling my guts about my betrayal to the one person who ever truly loved me.
“Livvy—” he begins with a sigh.
“I said to go!” I scream and feel him freeze.
A minute later, the door softly closes.
***
“He was where?” Mason exclaims. He nearly falls into the pool, and I smile slightly. But then I look at his bulging eyes. And then my smile drops, and I face the sky again. I can’t even fake being okay for one second. Not anymore.
I sigh. “In the Ferris wheel cart with me.” I tap my fingers against my bare stomach while staring up at the blazing sun above. Sweat drips down my forehead and creases into my neck. I sway closer to Mason; I think it’s because of the natural shift in the pool water, but then I see his hand gripping the end of the hot pink float-bed I’m on. “Insane, right?”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” he apologizes.
“Don’t be sorry,” I tell him earnestly. “Where did you go off to, anyway? After ten minutes I got off, and I couldn’t find you.”
“Oh, I had an important call,” he says dismissively.
Before I can question him a bit more, there’s a big splash that pushes us apart and splashes me with water. I sit up and watch as Noah swims up to the surface. He shakes out his copper-brown hair that sticks to his forehead and his flushed cheeks.
“And that is what you call a splash.” He whistles and lets out a chorus of laughter. He rests on the bed next to me with an exuberant grin.
“Not cool.” I pinch his arm.
He fakes an “ow!” and brings out two little suckers of dimples. “Why do you love to pain me, Livvy?
” His tone is humorous, but even as I laugh, I can sense the concern in his eyes. He’s worried after finding me freaking out this morning, but I’m not exactly up for assuring him otherwise right now. I’m still shaken up by the nightmare. It felt so real, too real. I still have goosebumps and neck hairs standing on end.
“Oh, it isn’t love you feel,” I counter.
“You two are just the cutest!” My mother’s shrill voice makes me cringe.
“Mother.” I turn my head toward her. She has her hands clasped under her chin while her bright blue eyes gleam at us, like we’re walking down the aisle on our way to be wed. She could at least feign being a sane woman, not wear her crazy colors shamelessly. “What are you—?”
“I came to inform you: you need to go into town for your dress fitting.” Wow, she really is off her bonkers. She thinks I’m actually going to marry this boy.
“Mother,” I begin in a warning tone.
She waves her hand at me with a roll of her eyes. “Oh, I mean for the charity event at the end of the month.” Her eyes shift to Mason a few feet away, and I catch the hostility in her icy gaze. “You should have Noah go with you. You know, for a second opinion.”
“Okay, but I think Mason should come too,” I say with a smile and a tilt of my head. “Seeing as he is my best friend and all.” She can try all she wants, but she isn’t going to push Noah in my life with the hopes of pushing us down the chapel aisle.
“But Noah will be your date. I’m sure he’s already picked out his tux,” she insists.
“Um, I never agreed on going—” Noah begins, sheepishly holding up a finger.
“And I don’t feel like being persecuted by a room full of asshole snobs,” Mason adds, and I laugh at his brashness. Mother glares at him while I smile, as he swims over to the edge of the pool and lifts himself out. “I have some business I have to take care of anyway. Have fun, Liv.” He winks at me, and I wave him goodbye. I wonder where he’s going…
Grey: The Retribution (Spectrum Series Book 3) Page 5