My Fate for Yours

by Steph Campbell

  I expect him to kiss me like he has in the past. All-in, rushed, like we can’t get close enough fast enough. But he doesn’t. Instead, he presses his mouth to mine in a tender way that leaves me even more breathless than the others.

  “Okay.” he pulls away. “I’ll see you soon.”

  “Soon.”

  He steps back and then reaches forward, pulling me into another kiss. “Soon.”

  Now I’m grinning like an idiot. “Soon.”

  ***

  After three days in the hospital, Mama and I are finally heading home. I haven’t spoken with Eamon, but there hasn’t been much of anything to say. I’m still sort of reeling over the idea that he came up to the hospital to be with me.

  Mama and I pull up to the house and a car I don’t recognize is parked in the driveway. Some nondescript grey Ford.

  And then she steps out of our house. “Aunt Jilly?” My chest leaps.

  She shrugs with a sly smile--same dark brown hair as me and mama, and same slim build. More wrinkles than last time I saw her, but I know she’s nearing fifty.

  “Thought I’d come help for a week. Get out of Chicago.” She steps toward my car and immediately begins helping me with Mama. We have a routine, but after a surgery, it’s tricky.

  Mama and Jilly kiss each other’s cheeks more times than I can count, and as Mama drifts to sleep in her bed under another wave of pain-killers, I realize I’m free because Jilly’s here.

  “How are things?” she asks as she rifles through the fridge for dinner. Jilly always goes crazy with the cooking. Her family doesn’t like southern food, so she’s always trying to get her fix when she comes down.

  “Busy. As always.”

  Jilly leans against the fridge. “I been thinking about you a lot. Realizing you’re twenty-two and that you’re taking care of your Mama like you shouldn’t have to.”

  “She’s my mama.” I lean against the couch almost antsy because I’m not sure where our conversation is going and I’m also not sure if I want to go to wherever she’s leading me.

  “Maybe if you two moved closer--”

  “Nope.” I shake my head. “I’m not leaving. Mama doesn't want to leave... Just no.”

  I expect a protest from Jilly but she nods. “Sort of what I figured. I just want you to know you have a way out.”

  “Unless you’re going to drop us a million dollars, I don’t see us going anywhere,” I say.

  “Well. I’m here now. If you have things you need to do, go run and do and I’ll give you a ring if I need you to get anything.”

  “Want a slice of Missy’s pie while I’m out?” I ask, knowing what she’ll say.

  “Not a slice. Bring the whole damn pie.” Jilly winks. “You go. Relax. Your mama and I will be just fine.”

  When I leave the house, I know exactly where I’m going because I’m pretty sure Eamon’s still at work, and I want to see him.

  29

  Eamon

  Tobin hands me another long piece of steel for a custom trailer we’ve been working on for two days. Jerry’s been riding our asses because he makes bank on these custom projects and the guy who ordered it, wants it done.

  The hard work and the heat have been good. Don’t leave me too much time for thinking.

  Tobin waves his hand at me, but I’m in the middle of a seam so I ignore him. He leans over, his helmet still covering his face, and points toward the door.

  I turn to see Rachel standing just inside the warehouse from the office door smiling like she just won the lottery. I love that fucking smile, but her coming here to smile at me that way wasn’t what I expected.

  I give her a quick wave and shout, “Gimme a few!”

  Tobin sits closer to me than he should. Dammit.

  “Give me some space so I can finish the corner.” I elbow him and lean forward.

  “You two been hanging out?” Tobin asks with way too much question in his voice.

  “Nope.”

  “So, you don’t know why she’s smiling so wide just to see your sorry ass?” Now he sounds disbelieving.

  “Her mom just had surgery. Maybe she needs something done in the house.”

  Tobin nods and scoots back over. We’ve both done a few things to the Adair house so it wouldn’t be unusual. Everything in me wants to turn over and puke at the thought of anyone knowing what’s going on between me and Rachel. Even Tobin. It feels weird to be keeping stuff from my brother, and probably I should just find a way to tell him. I’m just not sure if I’m ready for the unwanted advice and I-told-you-so’s.

  When I finish the final seam on the back corner, I stand up and stretch my hands over my head letting my back pop a few times. I don’t want anyone in here thinking I’m gonna run over to her the second I can.

  I pull off my visor and set it on a shelf before walking toward her. Her smile has fallen but not too far. Her white tank is a little damp from the hellish temperatures and humidity today, and her shorts are so faded I’m kind of wondering how soft the denim would be under my hands.

  “Hey.” She throws her arms around me for a moment but I don’t move. I can’t. I’m at work. Everyone’s still here.

  She steps back, her small brows pulling down, and damn I want to look over my shoulder to see if Tobin’s watching but that would be a dead giveaway.

  “I parked out back today. Wanna go outside?” I hold open the office door so she won’t be in Tobin’s view anymore.

  Her eyes dart around, like she isn’t sure where to look. “Uh...sure...”

  Jerry keeps the whole shop under at least a little A/C so when I step outside in my flame retardant suit, it’s like stepping into a fire.

  “My Aunt Jilly came down from Chicago to help with Mama, and I had some free time. Wanted to say hi.” She jumps into the passenger’s seat of my Jeep and sits sideways to face me.

  I nearly step into her and run my hands up her bare legs, but I’m not sure how long we’ll be left alone out here.

  “Yeah... I’m real busy. Jerry’s wanting to talk with me about a few things, and me and Tobin been working on a huge job, so...” The shitty thing is that I’m doing it, I’m pushing her away right now, and I know it’s kind of an asshole move.

  “Yeah. Right. I...” Rachel stares down before shifting her weight forward to climb off the Jeep.

  Fuck it.

  I step into her, slide my hands up the outside of her legs, do a quick scan of the parking lot and press my lips to hers. Rachel responds back immediately like I knew she would, letting her legs fall open so that I can step in closer and sliding her tongue against mine.

  I reach my fingertips up her shorts until I find the bottom edge of her panties and I’m so completely turned on that the thought of going back to work feels like cruel and unusual punishment. The sound of a car engine works its way up the side of the building, and I jump back before we’re caught.

  Rachel almost falls out of the Jeep and stands, steps back and stares.

  “Sorry, I--”

  She holds her hand up between us. “I don’t... Why does it have to be so much back and forth with you? Why can’t you just claim me already? I don’t care if people see us, Eamon. I want them to.”

  “I don’t. Not yet. I still...” She can’t get it, and there’s no good way to explain to her that right now it feels like the town knowing we’re together is the surest way to send her running from me, and I’m not ready to let her go. “I still got some figuring out to do.”

  She rubs her forehead and shifts her weight to one leg. “But the hospital. I thought...”

  I sigh. I’m just not ready. I can’t go from never having anyone in my life, to having my girl just show up at work. “We don’t know anyone there. It’s over an hour away, Rach. That’s totally different.”

  I can tell by the way she shifts her slim body that she doesn’t agree.

  “Guess you gotta get back to work. Sorry I bothered you.” She makes it all the way around the front of my Jeep before I jog to catc
h her.

  I grab her arm. “I knew I’d be shit at this, Rach.”

  Instead of jerking away like I expect her to, she steps close enough that I’m no longer pulling on her. It’s me who lets go. My chest dropping with my hand.

  “So, you’re ready to just walk away?” She trying to hide the hurt in her voice, but she can’t. Not from me.

  I take a solid look around us at the small lot behind Stine’s and we’re alone. I take a step in toward her and put my finger under her chin, our noses almost touching. “No. I’m not walking away.”

  She chews on the inside of her lip as if deciding something before taking a half step back. “Well. I guess you know where to find me. I’m picking up one of Missy’s pies for Aunt Jilly and then I’ll be at home taking care of Mama and trying to figure out how to keep our house.”

  “Okay. See ya, Rach.”

  All the things I’ve thought about doing to help her snap together in one perfect solution. I may fuck up all the personal stuff with Rachel, but I won’t screw this up.

  Now, all that’s left to do is go back in and tell Jerry that I can’t take him up on his offer.

  30

  Rachel

  “Eamon,” I sigh. “What are you doing here?” Eamon casually slumps into the doorframe and smiles. He’s so damn sexy, even when I’m annoyed with him.

  “Are you going to invite me in?”

  “Okay, but mama’s asleep, so keep it down,” I warn. “Aunt Jilly’s out visiting some friends in town, but she won’t be gone too much longer.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” he says. “How is your mom doing?”

  I cross my arms over my chest. “Was good. She’s doing fine. I’ll take her back to Baton Rouge in three days for a follow-up.”

  “That’s really good, Rach. Glad to hear it. Let me know if I can help out, okay?”

  I stare back at him and sigh. Everything is always so twisted up between us when it shouldn’t be. We know each other too well to be dancing around like this.

  “What?” he asks.

  “Just didn’t figure I’d see you for a while,” I say. I turn toward the living room and walk away from him.

  “Aw, come on, Rach. Don’t be so hard on me,” Eamon says. His voice is all boyish charm.

  I stop walking and turn toward him.

  “Hard on you?” I ask. “What about this situation is hard on you exactly?” I spin on my heels and walk away from him again. “I was so excited to see you today, and I basically got the brush-off.”

  “Will you stop?” he says. He grabs my forearm with his calloused hand and pulls me back toward him. He smells like hot metal and sweat, and I love it. “I came to apologize. For everything.”

  “Like?” I lean back as he leans in because I know he’s about to lay on a heavy coat of charm to get what he wants.

  He pushes the hair back off of my shoulder and then presses his mouth to the now exposed skin. “Like pushing you away.” He moves his mouth to my neck. “Like not taking things seriously enough. Like being a jerk.”

  “A huge jerk,” I say.

  “Fine, a huge jerk.” Eamon’s lips continue their trail up along my jaw then my chin. I can feel him smiling the whole way.

  “Epically huge,” I qualify.

  He stops when his mouth is hovering just over mine. Close enough that I’m inundated with his warm breath, but not nearly as close as I want.

  I push up onto my tip toes so that I can reach him and he catches my mouth in a sweet, addictive kiss. There will never be enough of these. I lean into him and every movement of his tongue and press of his hand into my back numbs the anger that I felt at him just hours ago.

  “I love you,” I moan into his mouth.

  And it’s like a switch has been flipped. Eamon pulls away. He bites his bottom lip and rolls his neck with a sigh.

  “Don’t say that, Rach,” he says.

  I blink over and over again. Trying to focus on what he’s saying and also, not saying. “Why?”

  “I want things to be good for us, doll. But don’t say you love me.”

  “Why?” I repeat as I step closer. Daring him. It's the only language he might understand. He doesn’t get to walk away from this. I feel it, and part of me is sure he feels it too.

  “I don’t…shit, Rachel, you know me.” He rubs his hands over his face like it’ll magically make this better. “I don’t do…love. Not yet. Just give me--”

  I shake my head. “Are you kidding me? Did you really come by and expect things to be okay, but you’re still not willing to open up? At all? Eamon. I’ve totally exposed myself here. I’m not even asking for everything. I’m asking for something.”

  Eamon finally steps closer to me resting his hands on my shoulders like he’s explaining something to a child. I’m already on edge and even if he means it to be nice, it sets me off. “Rachel, I’m not saying I won’t ever be ready for that. Just right now? You’ve got to give me some time,” he says.

  “You should go,” I say. I feel like a fool. I thought he came to cement his feelings for me, not push me away all over again. “I’m too tired for this tonight.”

  “I don’t want to leave, Rach. I brought you something, anyway.” He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his wallet. He flips it open and slides out a small piece of paper.

  “I know things have been hard for you and your mama. I want to try to make that easier. I don’t want you working two jobs, I want you to be able to take more than one nursing class at a time. This can help.”

  He hands the slip of paper to me. There’s a sick, black feeling in my gut as I slowly unfold the small paper. It’s a check.

  My stomach slides up into my throat, anger and gratitude swirl together and bubble up inside me.

  “This is a lot of money, Eamon,” I say. I can’t help but let my mind turn over the zeros in my head. How much it would help. How much mama and I could do with this kind of money. This has to be every cent Eamon has ever saved since the day he started working. For me. “I can’t accept this.”

  “Sure you can.” He holds his hands over mine, the check wrapped up between us. “I want you to have it. I’ve been saving it for a while, but I really don’t need it for anything. I know it’ll help.”

  “I’m not taking your money.” I try to hand it back to him but he pushes my hand away.

  “Please, Rach. Let me help you,” he says. His voice is so warm I almost forget that he just crushed me moments ago. It’s so easy for him to hand over money, but not his heart. I don’t want it.

  “I said I don’t want it.” I push it into his unwilling hands.

  He stares at the money in his hand as if it’s completely foreign to him. He can’t believe I won’t take it. “I don’t understand.”

  “I’m not taking this money because it’s the easy way out. Because this is what you do. You think you can give someone a piece of you, but not the whole thing.” I take a deep breath and push on his chest, pushing him away from me, even though more distance between us is the last thing in the world that I want. “I’m not taking it because you can stand here in front of me and pay me every compliment in the world, you can offer to change my life, but you can’t even say it, you can’t say the words that I’ve been dying to hear since I was thirteen.” I watch him stiffen, and that shatters what’s left of my heart. But I say it anyway.

  “I love you, Eamon LeJeune, and I know that scares you like nothing else, but it’s the truth. And if it’s not your truth, that’s fine, but I think it is. I’m not here to make you feel something you don’t, Eamon. But I think you do. I think you’re just being a coward.” I swallow hard. I never thought there would be a day when I would purposely say goodbye to Eamon LeJeune. “So take your damn money. I don’t want it. I want you.”

  He opens his mouth twice like he’s going to say something but no words come.

  “When you’re ready to give me you, any part of you, I want you to come back. But not before. My heart can’t take it, Eamon.�
��

  31

  Eamon

  “Go a little further down, dude!” Traive yells. “We’re too close together.”

  I take a couple of big steps back away from him, but still facing him, which means my back will be to the train.

  “Eamon! You can turn around and face the thing!” Traive yells.

  “Not a chance, brother. I want to see your face when you punk out and bail before I do,” I say. I take the last swig of my beer and toss the bottle off to the side of the tracks.

  “You guys are so stupid, one of you is gonna wind up dead. And it better not be Eamon, he’s too pretty for that,” Leslie jokes.

  The wind kicks up and sends a shower of dry leaves down from the trees. I haven’t heard the train yet, but the steel is already vibrating under my feet. The trick to this game is to keep my eyes on Traive. He always wimps out first, especially if I’m not facing the train. If my back is to it, he’s going to dive to the side extra early to give me time to react. He thinks I’m braver, stupider even. Really, I just know how to read people, and I know there’s no way Traive is going to let me stand on these tracks with my back to a train that’s barreling down too close.

  The train whistle blows. I take a quick glance over my shoulder and see it coming around the bend. There’s a single spot light on the top and two on the front flashing. Might as well be daylight out here it’s so damn bright with that thing coming at us. Traive rubs his palms down his jeans and crouches down. I just grin at him and kick the rocks at my feet.

  The wheels on the joints click clack along. I twitch my middle finger together on my thumb. Watching Traive. His eyes are getting bigger. I’m sure Leslie is yelling, but I can’t hear anything. Everything in my peripheral vision is black. The only thing I see is Traive. I’m just watching.

  Click. Click. Click.

  “Go!” Traive mouths the word that I can’t hear. His face is panicked as he throws himself to the right and rolls away from the tracks. I don’t move. Instead, I count to five. If I’m going to win this, I’m really going to win it.

  The train whistle blows. Loud. So loud that I can feel it in me.