Miri played with the handle on her teacup uncertain how to answer. A few days ago, she would have immediately said yes, that marriage was a fate worse than death. Now? She was not so certain. "I can't love him. At least not in the way he deserves to be loved. You more than anyone should understand my deficiency in that regard."
"He does not seem to mind in the least." Pearl made a great showing of straightening her skirts, obviously uncomfortable now. "If he can live with that, why can't you?" Then she glanced down at her slippered feet, her mind once more far away from the present. "After all, it's not as if anything else is standing in your way. Not like you're considered an unruly American like me, no matter your bloodlines." She offered up a self-effacing smile. "And if you are worried about funds, you know you should not be. Society need not know how the wedding is paid for or how you shall live. That is between you and Will. No one else."
"You make it all sound so easy." Miri rose and strolled over to the window. Far below her, carriages rattled by on the dusty street and she wondered where those people were going and about the details of their lives. That was her - curious to her very soul. Good for a scientist but not a wife. "I would also make a terrible wife. I am abysmal at the feminine arts and domestic issues are not my strong suit. I know them well enough. I just don't enjoy them. I think on that point we can both agree. There is little about being a wife that appeals to me."
Except perhaps the bedsport part. Though she had yet to progress to that point with Will, Miri suspected that might be the one area of wifely duties she might enjoy. And possibly be proficient at, as well.
Pearl rose and brushed at her skirts. "You only think you would make a terrible wife." She came to stand beside Miri and pressed her hand to the cool glass, as if she, too wished to escape the prison that was London Society. "That might be true for the majority of gentlemen you meet. However for the right man? You would be an excellent match. You are not as cold and intellectual as you believe, Miri. I have no idea who convinced you otherwise." She pointed to a sketchbook on a nearby table that contained Miri's notes on the positions of various stars over the last several nights - well, the nights before Will had come into her life anyway. "A woman can be many things, Mir. Just because you are intelligent does not mean that you are incapable of feeling. One does not preclude the other."
"And you are my friend and predisposed to lie to me. Tell me what I wish to hear." Miri rested her forehead on the glass next to Pearl's hand. "I cannot feel, Pearl. Not to the depths that others do at any rate. You know this. That is not fair to any man."
Except that Miri had felt something with Will, something deeper and far more frightening than any emotion before. He had awakened something within her. She just didn't know what to do with it quite yet. So she was not telling her friend the complete truth of the matter, something that Pearl seemed to already suspect.
"Posh! You can feel," Pearl corrected briskly. "In fact, you can feel as deeply as you like, perhaps more so than most. You simply choose not to, though why I cannot be certain."
Miri snorted and hunched up her shoulders. "Now you sound like Will."
"I like him better already." Pearl pulled away from the window and picked up her gloves from a nearby table. "Do what you like, Miri. You will anyway, no matter what advice you receive, even from me. However, what I can tell you is this. From the moment I arrived here today, it became clear that your mind was elsewhere, likely lost in the memory of a moment with Lord Blackthorne. Maybe even something so bold as a kiss if that silly grin on your face is any indication. Though it has only been a few days, you are obviously infatuated with him and, if the flowers in the entryway and that half-eaten box of chocolates next to your notebook about the stars are any indication, he is just as infatuated with you."
"He is no such thing!" Miri protested, but the words felt wrong the moment they left her mouth. Likely because she was becoming rather infatuated with him and she prayed that he felt the same.
Pearl tossed her head in that very brash way she had. "He is, and you would do well to acknowledge his feelings. This might be your one and only chance at happiness, Miri. You might be able to obtain what we both know I cannot. Out of the two of us, one of us should be brave enough to be happy. We also both know that it cannot be me, at least not here where much of Society views me as little better than a classless whore. Therefore, it must be you, especially when you have been presented with a man who clearly adores you, questionable behavior and all."
"You are wrong," Miri insisted again as she fought against the rising panic inside of her. "About all of it. Will and I are nothing to each other. Merely good friends."
Her friend gave her a speaking look. "If you insist."
"I do." Miri would bring this infatuation under control even if it killed her.
Pearl threw up her hands in exasperation. "Fine. Have it your way. You always have to be right." It was clear that her friend was quite cross and more than a little put over what she viewed as Miri's unrelenting stubbornness.
"Let us speak no more of this. It is only making us both unhappy. Will I see you tonight at the musicale?" Miri asked, not liking this new tension between her and her dear friend. She would much rather change the subject entirely if she could. "I shall save you and your brother a seat if you like."
Pearl shook her head, some of the tension draining from her body as if she understood Miri's offer for the peace offering it was intended to be. "I'm afraid not. Daniel has accepted an invitation for us to Lady Westerly's dinner party. It is to be a dry affair, I am certain."
Together the two women walked out of the drawing room as Miri escorted her friend to the front door. "Isn't Lord Westerly rumored..."
"To have fathered one Mr. Harry Greer, presently of Bow Street? Yes, he is." Pearl shook her head. "The man has four obstinate daughters, one of whom was rumored to be caught out with the fake Comte De La Croix last season and another rumored to have been discovered in the very much married Lord Frostburn's bed not more than a week ago. He also has no heir. And yet I am the one the ton finds fault with! What my brother was thinking by accepting the invitation I have no idea." Pearl shrugged. "Other than that he, like you, is under an enormous deal of pressure to wed. Perhaps he has his eyes set on Westerly's oldest daughter, Petunia."
Miri shuddered. "Oh, I hope not. She is a shrew."
"She hasn't been caught in a married man's bed or thought to have been deflowered by a known scoundrel. Those are positives for her. So there is that I suppose." Pearl tugged on her gloves. "And it is not as if Daniel is in a position to be choosy. The way he has carried on with my chaperones as of late has not helped his reputation."
Nodding, Miri opened the door. "Well, you have my sympathies. And I shall see you tomorrow at Lady Weatherby's garden party?"
"Of course." Pearl reached out and squeezed Miri's hand. "I am sorry. I have no right to judge another's love life given that I have none and my brother is mucking his up rather splendidly. Forgive me?"
"There is nothing to forgive." Miri hugged her friend lightly. "I am simply over tired these days. The Letter has only just gone out and there are many details to oversee. That, coupled with my family's insistence that I wed to restore my reputation after Mrs. Witherson's and Lord Blackthorne's recent attentions? It has all been a bit much and had left me a bit cross, I'm afraid."
It was clear that Pearl didn't believe her friend, at least not where Lord Blackthorne was concerned, but she did not push the issue again either. Instead Pearl squeezed Miri's hand harder. "Friends again. And always. I shall see you tomorrow. Wear something bold, as well, I beg of you. If you wish to quell the chatter about you and Lord Blackthorne, you must give the gossips something else to talk about." Then she was gone in a cloud of pale blue and white striped muslin, her steps far jauntier and her entire air far more unrefined than any London-bred woman that Miri knew.
Gently Miri closed the front door but for a long time, she simply stood there thinking about her friend's word
s. Was Will becoming enamored of her? She rather doubted it, especially after she had shown him her telescopes the other evening. Then she remembered the flowers and chocolates. Then again, she was paying him to send her gifts. They were likely part of the act. Except the note, which she had kept secret from everyone including Pearl, that had arrived with the most recent chocolates was not.
The note had mentioned that Will missed her and that he had enjoyed their evening at Lord Weston's ball. No gentleman should have enjoyed that debacle. Which meant that he was referring to their stolen kisses on the roof. Which he had enjoyed. As had she.
Will had also said that he wanted her. Did he really or was that simply the magic of the moment speaking. A moment that was now long over even though the words lingered.
Miri brushed her fingers over her lips, remembering the taste of Will's kisses and the way his tongue had felt delving deep into her mouth. If she closed her eyes, she swore she could feel the hot, intense pressure of his lips upon hers and she felt her blood begin to heat of its own accord and the area between her legs grow damp as it had that night.
Miri understood what these signs meant, though it disturbed her a bit that merely thinking of Will in that manner could arouse her so easily. Which brought her back around to the question of whether or not he was infatuated with her or if it was all an act. She was still uncertain. Nor did she really know him well enough to make that decision.
Clearly he was a man in his prime and he knew his way around a bedchamber. He had admitted as much to Lady Colchester. While Miri did not know everything about men, certainly, she knew from eavesdropping on her brother that men like Will desired regular bedsport with a willing female - sometimes as frequently as every day. And Will had agreed to bed her in the near future. She was paying him for that pleasure after all. So was what Pearl assumed to be infatuation really just lust in disguise?
"Of course it is, Miri, you peagoose," she whispered to herself before thumping the back of her head against the door for being so foolish. "He is a man looking to bed a woman. You are paying him to do just that with you. What else could this thing between the two of you possibly be? Stop being such a henwit and get on with things."
"Who were you talking to?"
The sound of another voice made Miri all but jump out of her skin and she looked up to see Sarah descending the stairs.
Knowing that she was blushing, Miri looked away in embarrassment at being caught in such odd behavior. "Myself, I fear. It was nothing. Lady Pearl just departed and I was commenting to myself on something she said."
"About Lord Blackthorne?" Without asking, Sarah tucked Miri's hand in the crook of her elbow and began leading her down the long hallway that led to the mews and a small garden. However, it was evident from Sarah's expression that she did not care for the line of Miri's thinking.
"Among other topics, yes." Miri knew better than to lie to Sarah, at least about men. Having lusted after Rayne for so long, Sarah was rather skilled at detecting similar feelings in others.
"He likes you," Sarah offered as they strolled out into the garden, though Miri rather wished her sister in law would drop the topic and let her go. "In fact, I would say that he is becoming infatuated with you."
Miri snorted. "Now you sound like Lady Pearl."
Sarah arched an eyebrow. "Then perhaps the woman is more clever and observant than I first gave her credit for being." It was hardly a secret that Pearl had not at all impressed Sarah during their first meeting, though now Miri knew that those early days had been all an act on Pearl's part as she had been desperate to fit the mold she assumed English society expected of her.
"I have only just met the man," Miri protested rather weakly. "I know little about him."
"You danced with him," Sarah countered. "And many marriages have been secured for far less than a dance. Still, I caution you to be careful. There are other men out there, perhaps better men more suited for you and your temperament. Even, dare I suggest it, Mrs. Witherson's son?"
Tugging away from her sister in law, Miri spun around, her gown catching on one of the nearby rose bushes before she yanked it free. "You and every other member of this household wish me to wed in order to restore my 'sullied' reputation! Yet to my mind, my reputation is not sullied! And now you are suggesting that I wed the bastard who attempted to defile me?"
"You struck the headmistress' son! Without provocation according to him, as he was only attempting to flirt with you and you misunderstood his intentions. That does tend to damage a lady's reputation, Miri." Sarah crossed her arms over her chest, her expression dark.
"The bloody sot placed his hand on my breast! He would have done more had Pearl not arrived when she did!" Miri shot back, heedless of her language at the moment. "More to the point, had I been in possession of a firearm at the time, I would have gladly shot him!"
"Randall Witherson is the grandson of a duke! Do not forget that! Yes, he made a mistake but he can be brought up to scratch. I am certain of it," Sarah protested, though the argument was weak and it was evident she knew as much. "We could have forced him to wed you and provide for you. You could have been happy! You still can be if you would just let yourself. He might not even take away your telescopes, at least if you apply yourself to the marriage at first. Lord Blackthorne is not necessarily the answer to your problem."
"I would have eventually murdered the man in his sleep!" Miri cried in confusion. She thought that Sarah liked Will and was desperate to see her wed to anyone. "When that man looked at me, all he saw was a fortune to be had and a woman to use as a broodmare and his ticket back into polite Society! So, yes, I struck him, hard might I add, and I would happily do so again. You, Sarah, of all people should understand that I cannot wed a man I despise, especially when I have found a man I might truly like."
"Rubbish! You only like Blackthorne because...well, I don't really know why." Sarah was not about to back down from her position on the matter. "And if word of those events in Little Puddington ever got out? Then what, Miri? You would either live in disgrace or be forced to wed the man anyway, Lord Blackthorne or no. And make no mistake, secrets have a way of outing themselves. Let Blackthorne go and simply wait for Mr. Witherson to appear in London. I have heard talk that he is arriving soon. Perhaps then this can be worked out to everyone's satisfaction."
Miri whirled around, not wishing to look at her sister in law any longer. At present, she barely even recognized Sarah any longer. However, when Sarah reached for her, Miri spun around glared at the other woman. She would not be cowed on this topic any longer. And especially not by Sarah.
"How could you even say such a thing? You chased my brother for years," Miri whispered as she swiped at the tears in her eyes, refusing to let them fall. "You, Sarah, who fought for the love of her life and risked a great scandal of your own by essentially living with my brother for a week unchaperoned. You, who were content to become a spinster if you could not have the man you love, judges me for not wishing to wed a man who would likely only abuse me in the bedchamber and steal my funds?"
Sarah reached for her, but Miri backed up out of the other woman's reach. Still, Sarah pressed her case. "That was different. Rayne and I had been in love for years. You do not know Lord Blackthorne."
"It is not different." Miri shook her head angrily. "And I hardly know Randall Witherson any better, though what I do know of him I despise. Will Davenport is a good man and he is kind. His only sin is that he is impoverished which is hardly his fault! He would not hurt me and at present, he is the man I wish to have courting me. You refused to settle for less than your heart's desire and you fought tooth and nail to obtain what you wanted. Why should I do any less? I thought you, out of all of them, would understand. This is not like you, Sarah. Not at all. As of late, you are not the woman I thought I knew. And you are certainly not the same woman who wed my brother not all that long ago."
"Perhaps I have changed my mind because I have seen the error of my ways," Sarah offered a bit less fo
rcefully. She did not seem to be softening her position on Will, but she did seem to be backing away from this particular fight. "Spinsterhood is not a life I would choose for anyone now that I know the joys of marriage. No telescope or star can take the place of a flesh and blood man." Sarah's voice was gentle, coaxing. Yet, when she reached out again, once more, Miri backed away, unable to stand the thought of anyone but Will touching her at the moment. Just because Sarah was not pressing the issue any longer, that did not mean Miri was in a mood to forgive her for attempting to push her into Randall Witherson's arms.
"You are wrong." Miri was certain enough of that.
Sarah sighed wearily. "Forget the scandal for a moment and ask yourself what your life will be like in ten years, or perhaps even twenty, if you do not find a husband now. What then? From what I have heard, Lord Blackthorne is in no position to marry you, Miri. Randall Witherson is."
There were so many things that Miri wished to say just then to refute her sister in law's assertions. Yet she voiced none of them. For she knew that Sarah would not listen. She did not know what game her sister in law played at with this matter, but Miri did not like it.
"I will never allow that bastard to touch me again." Miri glared at Sarah. "Do not ask such a thing of me again. For I can only imagine what my brother would say if he knew what you proposed."
Those words, finally, struck their mark and Sarah paled. "Leave Rayne out of this."
"Then leave Will and me alone." Miri shook her head. "What has gotten into you, Sarah? That you would push a man like Randall Witherson at me? Surely you are not so desperate to avoid a scandal that might not ever arrive? After all, this family is hardly viewed as a paragon of proper behavior, especially after Rayne cut his wide swath through the female half of Society."
"Maybe I just don't want you to be alone," Sarah huffed, though it was clear she knew that she had been beaten this time. "I only desire what is best for this family, Miri. Even before I was officially a part of it, that is all I have ever wanted. That includes you. Even if you do not realize when you are quickly running out of options for happiness. Options that do not include Lord Blackthorne." Then she turned as was gone.
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