“Just like that?” She has awe in her tone. Now that’s what I want to hear. A bit of surprise and happiness.
“Just like that. I’d saved all my money from the service since I had room and board and food in my belly. I used most of it to buy the gym with cash. Came with an attached apartment, so now I’m a home and business owner.”
“Smart.”
I grin stupidly at her compliment. “Well, I won’t say it’s the best investment I’ve ever made, but it’s made me happy. I’ve got a home and a job doing what I love. Though it still needs a lot of work.”
“A lot of work?”
“Yeah, there’s only so far my money could go since I paid cash. Didn’t want to owe any bank. Now I’m working hard and fixing it up as funds become available. One day, though, it’s going to be the top boxing gym in the city.”
“Wow. I’m impressed.”
I smile into the phone. “You’re easy to impress. I like that. Means you’re not stuck up.”
“Oh, I don’t know. I’ve been called prissy.” She laughs lightly.
Her laughter makes me beam with delight. “Like hearing your laughter. Makes other parts of me happy too,” I admit, wanting her to know what she does to me. Though, I should ease her into my devious ways with her being so skittish.
“Mmm.” She hums into the line, and I swear my dick jumps at the sexy sound.
“You excited about our date?” I remind her of what’s happening on Friday.
“Yes. I am. What should I wear?”
Now that’s a normal girl response I can relate to, having grown up with five sisters. “Something casual—jeans would be fine—but like I said, you’ll need a jacket.”
“I can do that.”
“I’m glad, babe. You get some rest. We’ll talk more, yeah?”
“I’d like that, Nick. Good night.”
“Night, Dove.”
Hanging up the phone, I can’t help my insta-grin. She didn’t tell me her life story, but I got my girl talking. I’ve learned that she’s highly educated, really smart if she has a degree from Stanford, but also unemployed. Which is rather strange. Even if she graduated after six years, that means she’s been without a job for two full years. Inheritance or not, that’s a long time. More for me to dig into on our date.
As far as first calls go, I’d consider that one a win. Bit by bit, I’m going to break down the shy walls Honor Carmichael has built until she lets me in completely. I’ll never understand my overarching need for her until she’s bared it all.
Chapter Eight
Wheel Pose (Sanskrit: Chakrasana)
Wheel Pose in most yoga classes would be considered an intermediate to advanced level asana. There are many ways you can hurt the back and body by doing this pose incorrectly. Start by sitting in the hammock with most of the silk crawling up your lower back so you have a large base holding your form. Allow the legs to fall naturally down toward the floor. Use your hands to slowly inch down the silks, going into a back bend. The head and neck should fall naturally. Do not strain. If you are flexible enough, arc back so the hands can take hold of the ankles or feet. This position should only be done in the presence of a certified aerial yoga teacher or after many successful attempts.
HONOR
“This would look incredible on you! You have to try it on!” Gracie exclaims, holding up a fitted, black, sleeveless dress.
The thought of a sleeveless dress practically gives me hives where I stand. An itch to pull down the arms of my sweater prickles at the back of my neck. “I prefer longer sleeves.” I bite my lip and try to hold eye contact with Grace.
She worries her lip and then taps it with her index finger while evaluating the dress. “Okay. The length and low neck work for you?”
I offer my new friend a small smile in return. She doesn’t know how much her go-with-the-flow attitude and no-questions-asked personality eases me. While Grace is exuberant, fun, and one hundred percent an extrovert, she doesn’t attempt to force her choices or personal style on anyone else.
On the other hand, the women my mother coerces to hang out with me do. I loathe having to sit through lunches where brainless, rich women talk about the newest fashions or gossip about who is getting work done and why. I know the second I leave them alone they are all talking badly about me. Poor Honor Carmichael, daughter of Judi Gannon-Carmichael, the one who will never live up to her family’s expectations. The woman her own mother is trying to marry off for business gain.
I let out a long breath and focus on the new top Gracie is holding up. It’s beautiful, flowy, and nothing like what I normally wear. I love it instantly. It’s a deep emerald green with cutouts along the outside of the sleeve. So, it shows the outside of the arm in peek-a-boo holes but not the inside. My henna and what’s hidden beneath it stay a secret. And the top is so funky and fun.
Grace’s eyebrows go toward her hairline as she holds it up for my assessment.
“I’ll give it a try.” I grin and glance back down to the rack of clothes in front of me.
“Yes!” Gracie hisses excitedly. “I knew I could find you the perfect things.”
“Well, I need a whole lot more. As in, an entire wardrobe full of new clothes.” I make the split-second decision. If I’m going to work on finding myself, I should probably purchase my own clothes, not just wear the things mother has placed in my closet on a regular basis.
Her mouth drops open before curling into an evil grin. “I’m going to load you up, sister! You just wait. You need a new look, I’m the girl for you. Budget?”
I shake my head.
“Righteous! I’m going to go get one of those bags to hold all the stuff you’re going to try on!” She dances her way toward one of the checkers.
A red jersey dress with three-quarter sleeves and a deep V in the front catches my eye. I pick it up and evaluate it in my size. It’s sexy but understated, and the fabric would feel luxurious against my bare skin. It’s a deep crimson that’s way outside of my comfort zone when it comes to color palettes. My mother would hate it. I start to put it back on the rack on autopilot.
“You have got to try that on. Girl, you’d look so sexy in it, and my brother’s eyes would bug out of his head! His favorite colors are black and red.” She winks saucily.
Black I figured out on my own. The two times I saw him he was wearing all black. Plus, the pictures of him online all had him wearing black as well. “Maybe I should get something black, then?” I can feel my cheeks heat at the bold suggestion.
Gracie waggles her eyebrows. “Yes, you definitely should. And it wouldn’t hurt to get some red and black lingerie to boot!” She knocks her hip into mine exaggeratedly.
I cough into my hand. “You’re getting a little ahead of yourself, don’t you think?”
She adds another blouse to the bag she’s now holding. This one a soft yellow. Again, not something I’d pick for myself, which makes me eager to try it.
“You’re deluded if you think my brother doesn’t want to get into your panties.” She blinks a few times and lets that sink in before continuing. “I mean yeah, he’s my brother, but I’m not blind. He’s a hunk. All of the women at Lotus House are hot for him.”
Her comment makes my heart sink. I’ve seen the women at Lotus House. They are all attractive beauties. Not to mention, many of the clientele are young, svelte college girls. “Really?”
“Oh, don’t worry. You’re the only one he’s ever asked out from work. He has a really strict policy about it too. Then you come along and—whammo!—rule is shot to shit.”
“Shot to…what?” I’m confused.
“Meaning, he must really like you to break his own rule against not dating clients from the studio.”
“Oh.” Huh. Why would he do that?
“Yeah, oooohhhhh…” She drags out the word. “Told you. Now let’s make sure you look fantastic and make my bro want to weep at how pretty you look for your date on Friday!”
I’m not sure anything coul
d make a macho man like Nick Salerno want to weep, but I have nothing to lose. Doing my best to follow my friend’s lead and go with the flow, I grab another cleavage-popping blouse, this one black with a sassy long tie at the waist that wraps around the body twice before tying in a bow. I hand it over to Grace, and she plops it in the bag.
“Atta girl. We’ve got some serious shopping to do if we’re going to get you set up in a new wardrobe.”
“How about we do what we can today and plan another date for next week?” I dig my thumbnail into my palm, wishing I hadn’t jumped the gun or been too eager.
Stupid, Honor. Stupid.
Grace, oblivious to my inner turmoil, just bobs her head. “Sounds like a plan, Stan.” She moves over to another rack of clothes, lifts a top, scrunches up her nose, and puts the top back before moving to the next.
I let out a relieved sigh. I glance down at my hand and see the thumbnail imprint dug deep into my palm. I use my thumb to rub out the spot of pain. Thank goodness I didn’t dig deep enough to cut the skin. That would be hard to explain. Ringing out my hand, though, I congratulate myself on putting myself out there, even though it was hard to do.
Breathe, Honor. You’re doing great.
Hannon’s voice comes to me, soothing the notes of tension spiraling down my spine as I rub the center of my palm.
Slowly but surely, brother. I’m finding it.
* * *
Monet,
See, I’m learning. :)
Today was a good day. Two notable things happened. First, Nick called me last night. We texted a few times, and then he actually called me by phone. I didn’t think he would really check in with me, but he did. We talked about him having served time in the army and my graduating from school. I didn’t know what to tell him about living at home with my parents. I’m nervous he’s going to find out about how horrible my family is. I’m not sure what to do.
What I realized while talking to him is that I have no idea what I want out of my life. Is that normal for a twenty-six-year-old person with a college degree? I should want to be something big, run a company, or serve on one of the countless boards of directors for one of my family’s holdings, but the idea does nothing but bore me. It would make my father happy. Maybe. Not a lot makes him genuinely happy. I’d like to talk about this at our next session.
The second new thing I did was go on my shopping date with Grace. It was nerve-wracking at first, but I got the hang of it. She made me try on more clothes than I currently own. I ended up bringing home tons of bags of clothes I wouldn’t normally try on, let alone purchase. And you know what? I’m looking forward to wearing them. Kind of like putting on the new clothes makes me feel like I’m a different person. Like I can be anyone I want to be. Does that make sense?
Best,
Honor
I finish typing up my daily email to Dr. Hart. Just the act of doing this task has me thinking about what has changed in my life over the past two weeks. I’ve moved into a hotel and soon will find my own place. I also have a girlfriend whom I genuinely like spending time with. Grace makes me want to be something I’m not. Try new things I wouldn’t try. Live a little. I’m taking yoga classes four times a week, which is physically pushing my body in a healthy way. And I’m going on a date with a man. A devastatingly good-looking man. I’ve lived more in the past two weeks than I have in the last two years. Hannon would be so proud. I wish he was here to share it with.
The sadness that comes with thinking about Hannon wafts around me, but it doesn’t pull me down to that ugly place where I need to do terrible things just to feel something. I’m already feeling something, and it’s good and positive. It’s excitement about what’s ahead, not dread and fear or anger. I’m looking forward to what this next week will bring. I just have to get through my second aerial yoga class and my date with the Italian Stallion.
Now the fear of not being enough for a man like Nick prods my psyche, but I push it back like Dr. Hart taught me. Redirect. I pull out my phone and bring up Sean’s name.
I’ve made a new friend. Her name is Grace, and she’s lovely. She teaches yoga. You should try yoga with me sometime.
Once I finish typing the message, I set about hanging my new clothes in the walk-in closet. The nice thing about having an endless bank account is you can stay in a fully furnished penthouse in a five-star hotel without batting an eye. It has all the luxuries of living on my own: great furniture, a pool, gym, a walk-in closet, and a tub that’s big enough to bathe a small whale. Plus, I technically own it, so I can take my time finding the right place for me.
My phone buzzes in my robe pocket.
Bunny, that’s awesome. So happy for you. I want to meet her…soon?
He wants to meet Grace. Only Grace doesn’t know about Sean or Hannon, and I’m not sure when or if I’ll ever go there with her. Is that something a person needs to share with friends? I’ll have to ask Dr. Hart. Sharing is a new thing for me and one I’m not exactly eager to get into. I prefer to have my relationship with Grace be light, not covered in my darkness.
Maybe at yoga sometime? I go four times a week now.
Instead of my phone buzzing his response, it rings in my hand. Sean Tillman flashes on the display.
“Hello.”
“Honor…baby girl, I’m so happy you made a new friend. And yoga four times a week! Tell me everything!” he insists, a hint of pride in his voice, sounding like the old Sean of years past.
At hearing his jovial tone and letting his excitement coat my nerves, I settle into the huge bed and curl my knees up against my chest, covering my toes with the comforter.
“She teaches yoga at the place I go. Sean, she’s crazy, and fun, but mostly, she’s really nice and sweet.”
He laughs. “Sounds like a good friend to have. You met her when taking her yoga class, you said in the text? And who knew! Honor taking yoga. Hannon would love it.” He laughs.
Hannon would love it.
My heart sinks as I remember that my brother is not here to share in this new development in my world. Worse, the man he was going to spend his life with is moving on and dating another man.
I sigh, the sound weighing down the conversation. “Yes, she’s the exact opposite of me. Smiles a lot. Happy all the time. And she’s a great yoga teacher.”
“I’d like to take her class with you sometime. You know I want to spend time with you. Just us, doing something productive.” His tone is somber, coated with the emotions he’s not saying. It’s not lost on me that I remind him of what he no longer has. He does the same to me. Together we’re definitely a sad pair, but we’re also the only two people who loved Hannon and will remember him forever.
“It’s okay if it’s too hard still,” I whisper, wanting him to have an out. “I just wanted you to know that I took your advice. I’m seeing Dr. Hart regularly, and she’s helping me, Sean. I’ve moved out of my parents’ house, and I’m… Well, I’m doing a lot better right now. I don’t have it all figured out, but I’m getting there.”
A heavy breath precedes Sean’s response. “Bunny, I’m relieved to hear that. I worry about you. You’re family. Part of the only family I have left.”
I clear my throat as my eyes water. I press my fingers into my temples. “I know you do. And I love you for it. And we’ll always be family.”
“You promise?” His voice cracks.
“Yeah, I promise.”
“I’m glad I called. Let me check my schedule, and I’ll text you when I’m off next. You can take me to one of your classes. Maybe the one with your new friend Grace.”
Closing my eyes, I smile, imagining him meeting my new friend. “I’d like that, Sean. I love you.”
“I love you too, Bunny. Get some rest and take care of yourself.”
“I will,” I say instead of lying and placating him with an “I am” that is empty.
* * *
Lotus House is teeming with energy when I arrive, date-night bag slung over my shoulder. Dara is at the
counter, and she waves me over.
“Hey, girl… I hear tonight is the night.” She grabs my hand and squeezes.
“Grace?” I offer, knowing this is where she’s getting her information.
She nods. “Um-huh. She’s so excited, that one is bouncing off the walls telling everyone that her brother is dating her new best friend.”
I laugh and shake my head. Though, the idea that I’m anyone’s “best” anything makes my heart beat double time with a sensation I don’t recognize.
“You know she means well, right?” Dara’s gaze is direct and unwavering.
“Yes, I do. And I appreciate her high spirits as it pertains to her brother and me having a date, but it’s not really a big deal.”
Dara jerks her head back. “Not a big deal?” She makes a noise with her lips that’s a cross between a shush and a psst. “Every girl in here besides the teachers would die to be in your shoes. You’ve basically caught yourself a unicorn, honey. That man does not date. What I hear, you’re the first in years.”
I frown. “I’m sure he’s seen women besides me,” I whisper, not wanting others to hear our conversation.
She snort-laughs in a way that has me grinning. “Oh, I don’t doubt that Nick has seen women. A lot of women. On their backs. Naked.” She snaps her fingers. “Dated, wooed, taken home to his mama Josephine? Nuh-uh.” She waves her index finger back and forth with a sassy edge.
“Well, he hasn’t offered to take me home to his mother either.”
She leans against the counters. “My bet, next Sunday you’ll be ass in the chair at the Salerno family table.”
Silent Sins: A Lotus House Novel: Book Five Page 10