by Donna Alward
She hadn’t believed him. She thought he’d looked for a reason to come back to her door. And he had plenty. But the one that was most true was that he really had left his key inside his room. And the office was locked and dark when he’d knocked, looking for a spare. He assumed the manager lived on-site, but he didn’t know where to knock and didn’t want to disturb other guests this late at night.
Which left one alternative, and that was prevailing upon Megan’s generosity. He was pretty sure he could win her over. She was a tough cookie but also the kind who wouldn’t leave a creature out in the cold—even if that creature happened to be her ex.
The water stopped running and he heard small splashing noises. Oh God, she was getting into the tub, which meant that on the other side of the door she was naked. He didn’t want his mind to go there, but it did anyway. The memories were too strong.
Another splash, and he jolted forward to turn on the television, just for some noise to cover the sounds from the bathroom. The slick slide of soap on her long legs, darker tips of her hair as they got wet, the trail of the washcloth...
He found an evening news program and turned up the volume. It really was getting late, so he removed his boots and put them neatly by the chair, then decided to watch TV on the bed, which was probably more comfortable than the chair he’d be in the rest of the night. He’d move when Megan came out.
The pillows, at least, were comfortable, even though the bed sagged a bit in the middle. Pax put his hands behind his head and only listened to the weather report with one ear. His mind was otherwise occupied. He’d let her provoke him tonight. He’d been a fool, explained himself poorly and then she’d accused him of not caring. Of throwing her away like yesterday’s trash. Nothing could be further from the truth. Had he handled it badly? Yes. Worse than he imagined. But it definitely hadn’t been for lack of caring. For lack of...love.
She’d pushed his buttons and he’d ended up kissing her. She’d kissed him back, and his worst fear had been realized.
Breaking the habit of her cold turkey had done nothing to eliminate the craving. It was as strong as ever, latently waiting for the opportunity to spring to life. And had it ever. Not just the physical longing, either, but all the feelings that he’d buried deep down, too. Feelings he’d been sure he didn’t have anymore.
He’d loved her all right. He probably still did.
And she clearly didn’t love him, not anymore, and that was his fault. It was no less than he deserved and he knew it. Now he’d have to live with his choices and that was that. There was no sense telling her the whole truth now—it changed absolutely nothing. Because the truth was he’d been twenty-two and in sole charge of the ranch since the day his father had collapsed with a heart attack. Pax had been totally overwhelmed, scared for his dad and not at all sure he could keep the place profitable enough to pay the medical bills, the mortgage and the workers.
He’d had no business bringing a woman into that. And it would have been utterly selfish to ask her to wait.
* * *
Steam still blurred the mirror, so Megan dabbed moisturizer on her face without looking. The bath had felt heavenly, but she’d been constantly aware of Pax, on the other side of the wall. The sound of the TV was muffled through the door, but that was all. No rustling or moving around. Taking her time, she pulled on her T-shirt and boxers and brushed her teeth, all before opening the door. She’d get in bed, Pax could take the spare blanket for the chair and they’d get some sleep. No talking or dredging up the past. Definitely no kissing.
There was just one kink in the plan. Pax was asleep on the bed.
She paused and looked down at him and, despite her resolve, she felt herself soften. He looked so harmless as he slept. His curls were disheveled, his lips relaxed and his lashes, absurdly long for a respectable man, kissed the crests of his cheeks. He was still in his button-down shirt and jeans, but he’d taken off his boots and was in stocking feet. He looked...vulnerable. Snuggle-able. Perfect.
What a fraud she was. Despite all he’d done—and all he hadn’t—she still had feelings for him. Not that she’d ever admit that to him, no sir. But they were there just the same. She’d been hurt so badly because she’d loved him with all her heart. She’d believed in him, believed in them. He’d apologized, and if it had just been that, she might have been able to brush it off.
But he’d also told her that he’d been afraid that he wouldn’t be strong enough to let her go. Even if what he’d done was twisted and wrong, it had told her one important thing: he’d loved her, too. A lot.
Waking him up and making him take the chair was probably the safest move, but Megan didn’t have the heart to do it. Instead she pulled back the covers on her side and got between the sheets, so she was under the covers and he was on top. She took the remote and turned off the TV, then flicked off the cheap bedside lamp, plunging the room into near-darkness, save for the reddish-blue glow from the neon sign across the street.
The only problem with the dark was that it magnified everything. The feel of his weight on the bed, the sound of his breathing...even the scent of him, the hint of aftershave blended with something she could only describe as Pax-at-the-end-of-the-day. It was a scent she’d forgotten but it now rushed back with sweet familiarity.
She was a veterinarian in a good job she loved. She rode horses and bulls in her spare time. She had a family and friends who loved her. She should be perfectly content, but lying next to Pax in the dark, her eyes took on a familiar stinging that she recognized as “what if.”
She lay there a long time, willing sleep to come. At some point she drifted off, only to be awakened in the middle of the night by Pax getting up and quietly padding his way to the bathroom. When he came back out, he reached for the spare blanket at the foot of the bed, but Megan was half asleep and figured it was stupid to make him move.
“Just get in the bed, Pax,” she mumbled, rolling over and curling up in the blankets.
There was a beat of silence. “You sure?”
“Mmm-hmm. You’ll sleep better.”
No answer, just the tug of the covers as he got in. The mattress shifted as he got comfortable, and then she heard the deep sound of his breathing once more.
She closed her eyes and went back to sleep.
* * *
The next thing Megan was aware of was a strange beeping sound, the repetition of it tapping into her subconscious just about as welcome as the whine of a mosquito.
“Too early!” she groaned, sticking her head into her pillow.
Then a soft chuckle. Her body tensed as the beeping stopped. Pax’s watch. “I see you’re still not a morning person,” he teased quietly, and she was distinctly aware that they were in the bed together.
Dear Lord, how had she gone from just another weekend rodeo to sharing a bed with Pax? “Funny, universe,” she mumbled into her pillow. “Very funny.”
“What was that?”
She rolled over, pushed her hair off her face and blinked against the grit in the corners of her eyes. “Nothing. What time is it?”
“Six-thirty.”
She’d planned to be up earlier than this, but she’d also planned to have a better night’s sleep, not gazing at the ceiling pondering how Pax smelled and kissed and every other little damn thing.
“I need to get to the grounds, look after Samson, that sort of thing.”
“Want me to drive you?”
She shook her head. “No, thanks. I’ll pack my stuff and check out before I leave. Then I can head for home at the end of the day. I’ve got to work on Monday morning.”
Monday. Meaning whatever was going on here was fleeting and ending very, very soon. That was reason enough to be smarter in the light of day than she’d been last night.
She looked over at him and let out a slow sigh of relief. He’d slept fully clothed. She’d been
worried he’d taken off his jeans and shirt. He was hard enough to resist without becoming Undressed Pax.
“Thanks for sharing the bed,” he said quietly, looking into her eyes.
“You’re welcome,” she answered, knowing she should throw off the covers and get ready. How many times had she wished for this? She remembered those early summer mornings, waking up with him, whispering in the gentle dawn about hopes and dreams. He’d been so devoted to his dad and Lantry Meadows. He’d told her that he hoped one day to be his dad’s partner, determined to make their stock in huge demand, to grow the operation into something big and ultra-successful. And she’d wanted to finish vet school and work with the ranchers, caring for their stock. They hadn’t made plans for their future together. It had seemed so tenuous, something to mar the otherwise perfect relationship that was still in the early stages. She’d just thought they’d figure it out as they went along. That they could make it work.
How wrong she’d been.
“Penny for your thoughts,” he murmured, resting his head on his hand.
She smiled at him. “Not enough money in the world,” she replied, and finally threw off the covers and got out of bed.
Chapter Five
She had to focus.
The coffee in Megan’s cup didn’t have time to get cold. She slurped away at it, lamenting her lack of sleep and concentration. It would have been so much easier if Pax hadn’t shown up. If he hadn’t dug into their past and brought up all her old feelings again. She guzzled the last drop and tossed the cup in the garbage can, then grabbed her grooming bucket and stepped into Samson’s stall.
She nudged against his side and ran her hand down his left leg, prompting him to lift it. With deft motions, she used the hoof pick to clear out around the frog, then repeated the process on the other three hooves. She was on the right front when Samson started to play cheeky and let some of his weight rest against her.
She dropped his hoof and nudged. “Get over, you big lug.” With a grin she gave his withers a loving slap and went to retrieve her curry comb. When he was saddled up later, she’d make darn sure his coat was smooth and flat. Plus Samson loved the curry comb at one spot on his rump, just to the left of his spine. She’d be sure to give him a king’s treatment today.
She was just finishing with the soft brush when Pax’s head peeked over the stall door, a paper cup beside it. “I figured I at least owed you a coffee.”
The aroma was heavenly. “I’m finished up here.” She smelled like Samson’s stall but it was a smell they were both used to and loved. “You got back into your room okay?”
He nodded at her, a smile on his face. “Yeah. Manager opened up at seven-thirty, let me in. The key was right beside my truck keys on the desk.”
And he’d clearly showered. His hair was slightly darker than normal, still damp from washing, and his plaid shirt and jeans were wrinkled but clean. “It’s sunny out, you wanna take a walk?” she suggested.
“You don’t have to be back?”
“Not for a little while. You checked on your stock already?”
“Everyone’s good. Competition isn’t starting for a few hours.”
She opened the stall door and latched it behind her. “I could use a walk. I need to chill. Focus.” She took the coffee from his fingers.
“If you need to focus, won’t I be a distraction?”
She started walking toward the rectangle of sunlight where the barn doors were open. “I’m making peace with it. You’re a bit like a pimple. Irritating but you’ll go away eventually if I just wait it out.”
He laughed beside her, a real, full laugh, and the sound sent a warmth flowing through her. A warmth that wasn’t exactly welcome.
They stepped out into the sunlight and she felt the heat of it soak into her face. It really was a beautiful weekend. There should be a record crowd for the finals. There was nothing better than a weekend of rodeo, country music and a couple of corn dogs. She let out a happy sigh.
“It’s in your blood, isn’t it?” he asked.
“Yeah.” She didn’t need to ask to know he meant rodeo. “I’ve been offered chances to be an on-site vet a few times, but for now, I like competing. Maybe if and when I stop, I’ll consider it. Samson still has a few good years in him. There are a lot of bulls I haven’t ridden yet.”
She chanced a look up at him. “I know. You don’t approve of the bull riding, either. It’s not all about size, you know.”
He shrugged and looked away. “I threw away the privilege of having any input about what you do. In my opinion? I worry about you and your safety. But it’s your decision.”
Nothing he might have said could have surprised her more. “Really? Because five years ago you didn’t have a problem making decisions for me.”
“I know.” Their steps slowed as the conversation deepened. “I’ve had time to think about what you said yesterday. That wasn’t my intent, you know. To make decisions for you.” He stopped, faced her. “The truth is, you were on your own career path and I knew I couldn’t walk away from the ranch. Especially then.”
“We might have been able to split time...see each other on weekends.”
He nodded. “I don’t know what to say, Megs. At the time I just couldn’t see how it could possibly work. It was a stupid way to handle it. I was young and full of my own problems and I’d like to think I’ve grown up a bit since then.”
“What are you saying, Pax? What problems?” The coffee was forgotten in her hand. This was what she’d wanted, she realized. For him to take responsibility. No excuses. Just the truth. That he’d unilaterally decided the outcome of their relationship and that he was sorry for it. But what now? She couldn’t deny that she still had feelings for him. It was in the way she’d felt dancing in the circle of his arms, as though no time at all had passed. It was how he’d kissed her and she’d responded without hesitation, pressing her willing body against his, hungry for more. Having him lie beside her in the bed last night had felt so right, like falling into an old memory she’d tucked into the corner of her mind. There was something between them that took the heartbreak and the time that had passed and rendered them irrelevant.
She’d given him her heart once, and she hadn’t gotten all of it back. Now she knew she probably never would.
“Truth is, right after you left, Dad had a heart attack.”
Her head snapped up. “He what?”
Pax nodded. “He collapsed right in the training arena. Scariest morning of my life, let me tell you. He had to have open-heart surgery. They told him that he’d never be able to work the same as before.”
“So that left you...”
“In sole charge of Lantry Meadows. The reason why Dad travels? It’s his way to stay involved and remain a bit hands-on. Did you ever notice how much manual labor he does on these trips? It’s next to nothing, because he can’t. One week you left for school and I was trying to figure out when I’d see you again. The next week I found myself running Lantry Meadows single-handed.”
Her mouth had fallen open and she closed it, unsure of what to say. “If you’d just explained...” Her gaze met his, and found his eyes clouded with indecision.
“I thought about telling you everything, but each time I did I heard you whispering about your dreams and I couldn’t. I knew you would have dropped everything to help, because that was the kind of person you were. Are. I knew that, just like I knew you had dreams of being a vet and how you loved rodeo. I thought it would be selfish of me to put you in the position of having to choose. I was overwhelmed, Megs. I told myself that I didn’t have a choice—I had to run the ranch and I would either succeed or fail. But you—you deserved so much better. Lantry Meadows was always in my plans. But not like that. Not so suddenly or completely.”
She didn’t know what to do with this new information. Tried to imagine
what it might have been like for him, having his secure world thrown into upheaval. Being afraid of letting people down. Megan had always felt secure in her parents’ pride and support, but she knew it wasn’t the same for everyone.
And yet it remained that his choice had been to shut her out, rather than trust her with the truth. And that hurt, no matter how he justified it.
He reached out and cupped her cheek in his hand. “Megan, I don’t know if what’s happening this weekend is a by-product of the past, or...” He paused, his brow wrinkling in confusion.
“Or what?” she prompted. She met his gaze. Felt the zing of attraction race through to her toes again. Was he interested in starting over? Was that even possible?
“Or if what was between us never really went away.”
“Pax...” They drifted closer together, but Pax stopped his progress, closing his eyes for a moment and letting out a breath.
“I’m sorry, Megan. Nothing has really changed. I’m still running Lantry Meadows. And you’re busy with your practice in Hillsboro. So where does that leave us anyway?”
Absolutely nowhere. The little zing fizzled away. Clearly Pax’s mind was just as made up now as it had been then. Anything that had happened between them over the past twenty-four hours was only about resolving the past, and certainly not about any sort of future. His words shut her out just as clearly as they had before.
Megan was doubly glad that nothing had happened between them last night. She certainly didn’t need more regrets. As it was, the stray bit of hope that had sparked to life was well and truly doused.
“I’d better get back,” she said quietly, a little angry with herself for feeling disappointed. She hadn’t even wanted to see him this weekend, so she should be glad they were going their separate ways after today.
“I’ll walk you.”
She looked up at him, seeing things clearly for perhaps the first time since he’d appeared yesterday. Without the anger and bitterness of their breakup, without the buoyancy of hope for any future. Just Pax. A good man. A man she’d loved. But with the knowledge that he wasn’t the right man. She didn’t need a man who would move mountains for her, but she did need one who would be willing to at least try to meet her halfway. Who would trust her with both the easy and difficult parts of his life. And that would never be Pax, would it?