Shhh... Shhhhh... the tumbling river water seemed to say. Was it trying to quiet her nerves? To warn her to stay silent about the thoughts that nagged her?
“Neither,” she told herself sternly, her voice cutting into the night. The river wasn’t talking to her. The women she saw on the train and the beach weren’t real. The erratic thoughts popping into her head were not normal. She was imagining things and being ridiculous.
Sitting on the wooden swing at the end of the porch, Rebecca pressed her bare toes to the dewy plank flooring and nudged the hanging bench seat into motion.
She needed to get her memory back. Whatever it took she simply must get hold of her errant thoughts and begin piecing her life back together again. She couldn’t continue to wander through her days vacillating between hope and fear.
Adam knew her more intimately than anyone. After her accident it was the touch of Adam’s gentle hands and his familiar voice that had pulled her from the black pain she’d been trapped in. In that space just beneath consciousness she’d known him. She’d known him. She’d trusted him. Only upon opening her eyes had she doubted their connection.
She needed to learn to trust her other senses more as Doctor Samuel had advised. Maybe that would help her remember more of her life—and Adam—and keep the odd thoughts and hallucinations at bay.
Rebecca leaned her head against the high wooden back of the swing, and drew her bare feet up on the bench seat. As the rocking motion slowed, she slid one foot out to touch the porch column so she could continue to rock herself. The gentle motion calmed her—and felt familiar. Was she remembering her mother rocking her as a child? Or was it familiar because of all the time she had spent on the porch swing at home trying to sort through her confusion after her accident?
Weary, Rebecca closed her eyes. She was too tired to search for answers.
The gentle rocking of the swing and the flowing sound of the river lulled her into a dreamy state. Relaxed in a way she hadn’t experienced in as long as she could remember, she let the peaceful night enfold her. She breathed in the dew-kissed freshness of night air and listened to a chorus of crickets filling the night with their rhythmic song.
As a cork will bob on the water, Rebecca dropped into sleep for a few seconds and then popped up again, her mind floating in a peaceful wake-and-slumber manner that soothed her.
“Rebecca?”
Adam’s voice came soft as a whisper.
She tilted her head, exposing her neck to his lips.
“Are you all right, love?”
She smiled. She liked the endearment. She liked him. She liked the feel of his warm palm cupping her cheek.
His lips brushed her cheek.
She turned her face toward his and pressed her lips to his whisker-stubbled jaw.
His sharp intake of breath was pleasing and... familiar. “Are you awake, darling?”
Until he asked, she had thought she was dreaming, but Adam was here. On her porch. In the middle of the night. Her first instinct was to sit up and apologize for her state of undress, but she held back. Eyes closed, she drank in his nearness, his scent. She wanted to experience this side of the man she was promised to.
She opened her eyes and looked directly into his, losing herself so completely she didn’t know if it was past, present or future, only that being in his arms was... achingly familiar. Her body knew him even if her mind couldn’t recall the memory.
In the starlight they gazed at each other. “Adam, were we ever... were we... intimate?”
“What?” He pulled away. “Are you asking what I think you’re asking?”
She nodded. “I need to know.”
Even in the wane moonlight she could see the shift in his expression, the deep offense he took to her question. “Of course we haven’t been intimate.”
“Ten years is a long time to court.”
“No one knows that more than I,” he said, “but I would have never compromised you, Rebecca.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, relieved to know her virtue was intact, but more relieved to know she hadn’t lost the memory of something so beautiful. That they hadn’t been intimate spoke volumes about Adam’s character. “I hadn’t meant to offend you,” she said.
“I know. I’m sorry, too. It’s easy to forget that you really don’t know these things.”
The truth spoken aloud wounded her. She wanted more than anything to remember her life and them and their love. “What are you doing here at this hour?” she asked, turning away from the painful thoughts.
“I grew tired of fighting Blue, the old hound at our bunkhouse, for the bed. I left that rascal sprawled across the mattress probably dreaming about squirrels and other critters he can no longer catch because he’s getting too old and lazy to run them down.” Adam laughed and shook his head. “He’s as bad as my dog, Scout.”
She smiled because his story was funny and because his love for the two dogs was endearing. “How long have you had him?”
“Blue was a stray that made the bunkhouse home last Fall. I got Scout the same year I met you.”
“Goodness. A dog and a girl in the same year? That must have been some year.”
He laughed. “It was one of the best.”
For several seconds they gazed at each other, both deeply shadowed in the moonlight. “What happened tonight?” he asked softly. “Why are you suddenly welcoming me as if you remember how much we love each other?”
Sighing, she cupped his strong jaw. “Because I want to remember. I want what we lost, Adam.”
With a groan, he squeezed his eyes closed and drew her to him, their foreheads gently touching. “You have no idea how much I want that.”
“Yes, I do.” Her voice was soft, her conviction strong. She knew. “Tell me everything you remember about us being thirteen together,” she said. “I don’t want you to share a single event from before or after that.”
“Any particular reason?” he asked, opening his eyes.
“I want to learn about our relationship one year at a time so I don’t get confused.”
“That could take all night just to tell you about our year of being thirteen,” he said.
“I don’t plan to go back to bed.”
“Talking with you ‘til dawn is far more inviting than wrestling with an old hound all night.”
Their gazes tangled and they smiled at each other.
He drew her deep into his embrace and held her tenderly against him as he set the swing into a gentle rocking motion. “When we were thirteen years old I knew I’d never love anyone but you...” he began. “And I knew I’d never forgive myself for breaking your heart.”
“You broke my heart?” she asked, intrigued.
“I did.” He relaxed his shoulders and drew in a breath. “Your father forbade me to see you. Out of respect for him and my own dad I tried to stay away. When I told you we couldn’t see each other anymore, you pretty much hated me and it was the worst moment of my life...”
Rebecca closed her eyes and drank in his words, wanting to experience the memories with all her senses as he shared them with her. “Where were we when you told me?” she asked.
“In the woods where my dad kept his boat.”
“What time of year was it?”
“Winter, why?”
“Details help me imagine the moment even if I can’t remember it. What did it smell like there?”
“Um... I guess it smelled like pine needles. We were standing in a small copse of pine trees. The air was frigid enough to redden our skin, and the boat held the slight odor of fish. You rode one of the geldings from the livery, a little gray fella, if I recall correctly.”
“Jasper? Could that be right?” she asked without opening her eyes, but a little thrill zipped through her. She didn’t know why the name had come to her, or if it was remotely close to the name of the gelding she rode, but it was exciting to have any ideas at all pop into her mind.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know. Your parents owned or car
ed for several horses at that time and I never knew the names of all of them because some were only there for a few days.”
“It’s all right,” she said. “And I don’t want to know the rest of this story. I think I’m happier without the memory of you breaking my heart.”
He chuckled and kissed her forehead. “Me, too.”
For a long time, they sat silently holding each other while Adam rocked them on the swing. There, in the middle of the night while the river rushed by and the crickets chirped, Adam and Rebecca, who had lost so much, found their first opportunity to comfort one another.
Chapter Eighteen
Late morning, Rebecca read a lovely letter from her mother for the second time. She asked after Rebecca’s health and how she was fairing at Crane Landing. She shared news of home and what the children were doing and that they all desperately missed her and Grandmother. Her mother had enclosed a note from Helen Fiske, Rebecca’s longtime friend she had no memory of. Helen wrote simply and with great warmth that she understood that Rebecca didn’t remember her, but she was confident they would become great friends again upon Rebecca’s return. For now, Helen just wanted Rebecca to know she was thinking of her with the warmest thoughts and wishing her a quick and complete recovery. She added a request that Rebecca tell her all about Crane Landing when she returned. Feeling genuine warmth toward Helen, Rebecca folded the note knowing she’d had a good life in Fredonia. She would go back soon and try to reconnect with the many wonderful people she had in her life. But for today, she would embrace her new life and her new friends here in Crane Landing.
With that thought in mind, Rebecca called on Mary Crane to invite her to supper that evening. Then she went on to the mill to ask Adam to bring Leo with him when he came for supper. For Rebecca, the more engaged she kept her mind the less chance for irrational thoughts to sneak in. And the more time she spent with Adam the greater the possibility she would remember him and their love... and her past.
At the mill, Adam guided her to a secluded spot in the yard where it was safer and quieter for them to talk. “I’d rather skip supper and meet you on the back porch in the middle of the night again,” he teased.
Rebecca felt her face heat. She’d been as shameful and bold with him as Adam’s mother must have been with her male customers. The instant the thought registered, she gasped and clasped her hands over her ears as if she couldn’t bear her own wicked thoughts. To even think such a thing was surely evidence of an unstable mind.
“What’s the matter?” Adam asked, his flirtatious smile replaced by a look of concern.
“I... well, I... I’m mortified by my behavior last night,” she said, grasping at anything that might explain her bizarre outburst. But she was really mortified—and scared—by the obviously irrational direction of her thoughts.
“You were sweet and adorable last night.” He slipped his fingers over hers and lowered her hands to her sides, holding them in his own strong and steady hands. “We’ve shared many such moments, Rebecca, and every one of them was filled with love and never involved anything you need be ashamed of.”
She nodded, struggling to erase the horrid thought about Adam’s poor dead mother. “Thank you, Adam. I was just... I felt so desperate to remember you that I tossed my good sense straight into the river the instant you touched me.”
“Rebecca...” He tilted her chin until her eyes met his. “We’re trying to find our way back to each other. We need moments like that when we’re alone. We need to be free to talk honestly and even kiss if we desire. There’s no shame in kissing your betrothed,” he said.
“You were kissing your betrothed, Adam. I was kissing a man I’m just getting to know. There is a big difference between the two.”
Slowly, he shook his head. “No, Rebecca. Last night you knew me. I could feel the difference when I held you. If you don’t believe me, meet me on the porch at midnight. I know what I felt from you. Let me hold you again, and when you close your eyes you’ll remember me... you’ll remember us,” he said.
His certainty stunned her. There was truth to his words that put her thoughts in a spin. She had felt completely comfortable with him last night as if she had spent years being held in his arms. When he’d first arrived and caught her in a semi-sleep, moving into his arms had felt like the most natural thing in the world. His scent, his touch, the sound of his voice was... it felt like... home.
“Perhaps...” she said, slowly, her thoughts still anchored in their late night encounter.
“Perhaps you’ll meet me?” he asked.
She shook her head. “I meant perhaps I may have remembered you... for a few minutes,” she said.
“You knew me, Rebecca.” He slid his hands up her arms and gently squeezed her shoulders. “Let me help you remember. Meet me again tonight.”
She took a step back, both scared and excited about the thought of another late night interlude with Adam. “I’ll see you at supper. Will you bring Leo?”
The intensity drained from his eyes. “Is it Mary or you who wants Leo there?”
Rebecca frowned. “We both do. Why do you ask?”
Adam shook his head. “Curiosity is all. If he’s available, I’ll bring him along. Think about meeting me tonight, will you?”
“I’ll consider it.” With that, Rebecca turned and hurried out of the yard before she could commit herself to something she might regret. She needed to think this through logically, not emotionally. But wild exciting thoughts circled her mind as she walked to the grocer to pick up a few items that her grandmother had requested. If she met Adam tonight she could enjoy the wonderful sensation of being held in his arms. She could close her eyes and drink in his scent. But more importantly she could feel connected to him—and her past—again.
The temptation to meet him burned hard in her breast as she headed out River Road.
As soon as she returned home she helped her grandmother in the kitchen for an hour and then took Jojo outside to play. Minutes later she had followed Jojo to the front yard where the frisky kitten chased a tiny white moth flitting beneath the maple tree.
The sound of a carriage rattling up the short drive surprised Rebecca.
“Good day, young lady,” Doctor Samuel said, hailing her from the driver’s seat. “I was down the road checking on Micah Crane and thought I’d head up the hill and check on you as well.”
Rebecca welcomed the doctor, but as they sat on the front porch she silently cautioned herself to choose her words with care. “I had planned to see you tomorrow, Doctor Samuel.”
“I know, and I have saved you the trip,” he said. “How have your headaches been?” he asked.
“They are improving, but still a bother.”
“How frequent and how severe are they?” he asked.
“I have daily headaches of varying degree,” she answered lightly as if it was a common complaint.
The doctor eyed her closely for a minute. “Are you sleeping any better at night?
“I’m managing all right,” she said, being intentionally evasive about her sleeping habits. Her nightmare last night was enough to keep her silent on anything others may perceive as unusual. Jojo scampered onto the porch and batted at the hem of Rebecca’s skirt. With a light laugh, she lifted the kitten onto her lap. “This is Jojo’s way of telling me she’s ready for a nap,” Rebecca said to the doctor.
He smiled and watched the kitten settle in. “Where did she come from?” he asked.
Rebecca gladly shifted the conversation to the kitten and told him all about Jojo’s escapades since joining their household.
While she talked, Doctor Samuel watched her closely. “Is there any particular reason you’re uncomfortable with me, Rebecca?”
His question stopped her cold.
“You seem to be physically improved, but deeply troubled.”
His astute observation terrified her. She stared at the doctor as if he’d caught her pilfering his medicine chest. “I’m fine,” she said, but her declaration s
ounded fearful and unconvincing.
He nodded, but continued probing and questioning her for several minutes. “You appear to be on edge,” he said. “Are you feeling overwhelmed?” he asked. And on and on he queried until she actually laughed.
“I’m fine, Doctor, but your numerous questions are making me feel worse.”
She expected him to relent, but Doctor Samuel had a keen eye for evasion and wouldn’t be diverted from getting to a clear diagnosis.
“What’s bothering you, Rebecca?”
Knowing he wouldn’t leave until she gave him something to chew on, she finally confessed to having sleepless nights, but she blamed it on headache pain. She told him that staying at Crane Landing was helping her relax and feel less agitated, although she wouldn’t tell him about the disturbing thoughts she’d been having or that she had been looking for the red-haired lady to assure herself the woman wasn’t a hallucination.
With a loud sigh Doc Samuel patted her shoulder and got to his feet. “When you’re ready to share what is on your mind come see me, dear. I want to see you again in two weeks either way.”
As soon as he left, Rebecca forcefully put the doctor out of her mind. She didn’t want to spend another minute thinking about her accident or her headaches or any of the myriad complications that came with it. She wanted to enjoy her time in this beautiful town.
And that’s what she tried to do that evening when she and Mary challenged Adam and Leo to a game of lawn croquet after supper.
Adam had always thought Rebecca at her most beautiful when working with her horses at the livery back in Fredonia.
He’d been wrong.
As he sat on the porch watching Rebecca, the late afternoon sun casting a soft, warm glow about her, he knew she was at the height of her beauty right now, and would be more so in two more seconds, and two more beyond that.
Adam could sense the joyful energy that emanated from her. She was in her element here—in this house, in Crane Landing. She had smiled so much throughout dinner that everyone else naturally gravitated to her state of happiness.
My Forever Love Page 18