Arsenic and Old Puzzles
Page 9
Buddy came through like a rocket, circled the living room, slammed to a stop in front of Cora, and sat, expecting a treat.
Jennifer giggled.
“That’s better. Wanna give the puppy a treat? Let’s give the puppy a treat. Except we don’t have any treats, they’re in the kitchen, here we go to the kitchen, umpty dumpty bumpty dumpty da di into the kitchen.”
Jennifer began bawling again at being taken away from the dog. The fact that Buddy came along failed to mollify her.
Cora went into the kitchen, grabbed a handful of biscuits out of the box. Tried to figure out how to hand Buddy just one without dropping the baby. It would have been easy with three hands.
“Jennifer. Want to give the puppy a biscuit?”
Jennifer took the biscuit and put it in her mouth.
“No!” Cora yelled, pulling the baby’s hand away.
The biscuit, however, remained in the mouth.
Cora threw the biscuits on the table, stuck her finger in Jennifer’s mouth.
“What in the world are you doing?” Sherry demanded, from the doorway.
“She’s got a biscuit in her mouth.”
“You gave her a dog biscuit?”
“Not to eat.”
Sherry took the baby, reached a little finger in, flicked the biscuit out. “What in the world were you thinking?”
“Hey, I was trying to deal with a baby and a dog. It’s not easy. You couldn’t do it. You locked the dog out.”
“If you want to be a babysitter, you’re going to need more practice.”
“Who said I wanted to be a babysitter?”
“Every aunt wants to be a babysitter. It’s what aunts are for.”
“Good to know.”
Cora followed Sherry back into the living room.
“The problem with the dog is, when she’s on the floor he’s on her level. Buddy’s a nice dog, but he doesn’t know any better not to jump on her and knock her down.” Sherry sat on the couch, held Jennifer on her lap. “So if he’s going to be in here, the baby’s gotta be on the couch. Unless you’re letting him up on the couch now.”
“Of course not,” Cora said. She remained standing, hoped Buddy wouldn’t jump up. He’d taken to lying next to her.
“I found Harvey’s puzzle.” Sherry held out a sheet of paper. “Here. I printed you a copy.”
Across
1 Cake with a kick
5 Coffeehouse reading
9 Sacked out
14 Ltrs. near “0”
15 Up to it
16 “What hath God wrought?” sender
17 “North by __”
19 Spectrum producer
20 Some auto-sticker listings
21 Org. with a noted journal
23 Uniform features: Abbr.
24 Stock unit
26 Sleep like __
28 You can’t take it with you
31 Church figure
35 Performed superbly
36 Explorer Tasman
37 “Puppy Love” singer
38 Pit yield
39 “__ and Old Lace”
42 Eight pts.
43 __ out (barely made)
45 “The auld sod”
46 45 degrees, say
48 A bit
50 Brunch fare
51 He directed Marlon
52 Country’s K.T.
54 June, to the Beaver
56 Lockout org. of 2011
58 Nicaraguan rebels
62 Hitting
64 Movie star, and clue to four answers in this puzzle
66 Jobs in computers
67 Ashtabula’s waters
68 Ratio words
69 More steamed
70 Dirty Harry’s law org.
71 Shot from the apron, perhaps
Down
1 Singer-turned-congressman Sonny
2 Each, slangily
3 A Bobbsey twin
4 Apt anagram for “Sinatra”
5 “Dances With Wolves” tribe
6 Needing a seatbelt extender, say
7 Raised rails
8 Intro to physics?
9 Classic Chevy
10 Scand. land
11 “__ Baby”
12 Flying “A” competitor of old
13 Many govs.
18 Chinese restaurant freebie
22 Bruno __ (designer shoe brand)
25 Clemente in Cooperstown
27 __ first-name basis
28 __ Park, Colo.
29 Parade hat
30 “An Affair __”
32 Coty or Clair
33 Pursue a puck
34 Whoppers
36 Home to many Georgians
40 Drying-out place
41 Compassionate
44 One of the orig. 13
47 Suffix with helio- or ethno-
49 Time for plowing, maybe
50 Was too sweet
53 Rx, for short
54 Physics measurement
55 “Beetle Bailey” pooch
57 Part of a dead man’s hand
59 Diaper problem
60 Prefix with trust
61 Boarding place
63 Forum greeting
65 Comics bark
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s the one Harvey solved. The one in the newspaper. The one that appeared in the Hartford paper on September seventeenth.”
“I thought you already found it.”
Sherry shook her head. “No. That’s where I made a mistake. It’s a syndicated column. But it’s an evening paper. It doesn’t print the puzzle that comes out on the morning of the seventeenth. It prints the puzzle that comes out on the morning of the eighteenth. Of course most people get the paper on the morning of the eighteenth, but it’s still dated the seventeenth.”
“You’re saying the puzzle you found online isn’t the puzzle Harvey solved?”
“No. This is the puzzle Harvey solved. And it’s kind of interesting. Here, take a look.”
Cora looked up from the puzzle. “It’s not solved.”
“Oh. Sorry. Here’s the solution.”
Sherry passed it over.
“Let’s see. What are the theme entries. ‘BRINGING UP.’ ‘TO REMEMBER.’ ‘NORTHWEST.’ ‘CARYGRANT.’ Oh! They’re Cary Grant movies. Bringing up Baby. An Affair to Remember. North by Northwest. Right?”
“Right. And the one that matters—”
“Don’t tell me. I can do it. Bringing up Baby. That’s you. Though you’ll be happy to know I don’t really suspect you. An Affair to Remember. That’s Becky Baldwin and Alan Guilford.”
Sherry blinked. “What?!”
“Yeah, I sort of maneuvered Alan into retaining her to defend him from murder.”
“You what?”
“Well, Becky needs the money, and he is the most likely suspect.”
“Why?”
“All right, he isn’t the most likely suspect. But I managed to get Chief Harper to at least consider him.”
“Why in the world would you do that?”
“I kind of wanted him to hire Becky.”
“You’re going around again. Why did you want him to hire Becky?”
“Oh. His girlfriend pissed me off.”
“What?”
“I’m not sure he should marry her. He really ought to think it over.”
“You’re trying to break up his marriage?”
“He’s not married. It’s an engagement. They haven’t even set the date. He seems a nice sort. There’s no reason he should get stuck with the wrong girl.”
“You’re pimping Becky Baldwin?”
“Oh. It’s all right when you use words like that in front of the baby. Jennifer, just pretend you didn’t hear that. Your aunt Cora is not a procurer. But you gotta feel sorry for Becky. I mean, here you are with a kid, happily married to her high school sweetheart. It’s time the girl got a break.”
“I’m surprised you’re not snappi
ng him up yourself.”
“Who do you think I am, Demi Moore?”
Sherry took a breath. “Aren’t you interested in the puzzle? You’re ignoring the main clue.”
“I am? Let’s see. North by Northwest. That’s our direction from New York. No. We’re northeast.”
“Oh, for goodness’ sake. I mean the one in the middle.”
“The one in the middle? What do you mean, the one in the middle?”
“The theme answer in the middle of the puzzle.”
Cora looked. “‘Arsenic’? Oh, for goodness’ sake. That’s why Chief Harper said if it was cyanide.”
“He said what?”
“I was telling him the puzzle didn’t mean anything, and he said if the answer was cyanide maybe it would. I had no idea what he was talking about because I hadn’t seen this puzzle, but he meant if it was cyanide instead of arsenic. Then his remark makes sense.” Cora frowned. “Damn it, he’s right. Arsenic doesn’t fit. Cyanide would. So the puzzle really doesn’t mean anything. All right, what’s the clue?”
Cora picked up the questions, read, “‘______ and Old Lace.’”
Her eyes widened and her mouth fell open.
The phone rang.
Cora nearly jumped a mile, and uttered an ejaculation not entirely appropriate for a preschooler.
“Cora!”
Cora raced into the kitchen, snatched the phone off the wall. “Yes!”
“Hey, don’t bite my head off,” Chief Harper said. “I got the report back from the lab.”
“Was it cyanide?”
“There was cyanide, but it wasn’t the only poison.”
“What else was there?”
“There was also arsenic and strychnine. In significantly greater quantities.”
“Let me guess. Two parts arsenic to one part strychnine to just a pinch of cyanide.”
“Yes. How did you know?”
“Tell me, did they analyze the wine?”
“Of course they analyzed the wine. The poison was in the wine.”
“No, not the poison. I mean the wine itself. Did they analyze the wine?”
“Why?”
“Bet you it’s elderberry,” Cora said, and hung up.
Chapter
24
Chief Harper was on the phone when Cora came in. He hung up and said, “I’ve been trying to reach you.”
“Here I am.”
“What made you think it was elderberry wine?”
“Was it?”
“You know it was.”
“I do now.”
“What made you think it was?”
“Arsenic and Old Lace.”
“Huh?”
“It was in the damn puzzle Harvey solved. I never saw it because Sherry got the dates wrong.”
“What?”
“Sherry went on the Internet, found an archive that had that date’s puzzle, and printed it out. Only it was the wrong date, so it was the wrong puzzle, so I never knew until I looked at the one you gave me. That’s why I didn’t understand when you said it might mean something if it had said cyanide. You never said instead of arsenic.”
“I don’t get it. Just because there’s more arsenic than cyanide, now you think the puzzle means something?”
“No, because it’s two parts arsenic to one part strychnine to a pinch of cyanide.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Arsenic and Old Lace. It’s a Cary Grant movie in the puzzle. And it’s featured in the puzzle. Arsenic is dead center. Didn’t you see the movie?”
“No.”
“You never saw Arsenic and Old Lace?”
“Hey, don’t make a federal case of it. I never went to the movies much when I was young.”
“Well, you wouldn’t have gone to this one. It came out before you were born. At least, I hope it did. My God, are we that old?”
“Cora.”
“Arsenic and Old Lace is a movie based on a stage play, which is set in a rooming house run by two little old ladies who have a habit of poisoning their guests. They prey on little old men, preferably widowers.”
“You mean…?”
“Exactly. Cary Grant plays the nephew, who’s about to get married—any of this starting to sound familiar?—until he suddenly finds out his sweet little old aunts have been blithely poisoning people. He confronts them with it, but they not only show no remorse, they’re proud of what they’ve done, and they describe their recipe: two parts arsenic, one part strychnine, and a pinch of cyanide.”
“My God!”
“And they put it in elderberry wine because they find it disguises the taste.”
“Are you telling me the aunts are copying the movie?”
“Don’t be silly. Why would they want to do that?”
“Then what are you saying?”
“Life is copying art. I don’t know why. I don’t know who. But it is.”
“Cary Grant is a good guy?”
“Cary Grant is always a good guy.”
“So Alan Guilford is innocent.”
“Oh, for goodness’ sake, Chief. Let’s not confuse the picture with reality. It’s not like you could rent the movie and figure out who did it. There’s just certain similarities.”
“Who did it in the movie?”
“I told you. The aunts did it. They poisoned thirteen people.”
“Thirteen?”
“They poisoned everybody. Except Mr. Spenalzo.”
“Who’s Mr. Spenalzo?”
“The body in the window seat.”
“There was a body in the window seat?”
“Of course there was. That’s why the killer got the drunk to climb in and take poison.”
“Mr. Spenalzo?”
“Yes.”
“But the aunts didn’t kill the body in the window seat?”
“No. Well, actually they killed the other body in the window seat.”
“There’s another body in the window seat?”
“It’s a comedy, Chief. People keep going in and out, swapping bodies. So every time Cary Grant looks in the window seat there’s another body.”
“Every time?”
“Well, actually it’s only twice. But that’s enough to get his attention.”
“Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Who killed the body in the window seat?”
“Which body?”
“The one the aunts didn’t.”
“Cary Grant’s crazy brother.”
“He has a crazy brother?”
“Yes. Who looks like Boris Karloff.”
Chief Harper’s mind was melting. “Why does he look like Boris Karloff?”
“In the play he was Boris Karloff. Which probably helped. In the movie he’s Raymond Massey, but they made him up to look like Boris Karloff.”
“Why?”
“Oh. Because he’s a criminal and the cops are after him so Peter Lorre keeps giving him a new face.”
“Peter Lorre?”
“Yeah. Jonathan’s partner. He’s a plastic surgeon.”
“Who’s Jonathan?”
“Boris Karloff.”
Chief Harper blinked. “And how does any of this make any sense?”
“It doesn’t. That’s what’s great about it.”
“You’ll pardon me if I don’t share your enthusiasm. We have two real-life murders here. How in the world are they connected to a movie made fifty years ago?”
“It’s nearly seventy, Chief, but who’s counting.”
Harper rubbed his head. “Hang on a minute. This crazy Boris Karloff brother. Is he the older or the younger?”
“Older. Why?”
“Well, Alan’s got an older brother.”
“Great. Get him in here, see if he looks like Boris Karloff.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Yeah, but now that I mention it, you can’t get the idea out of your head, right?”
“Damn it.” Harper took a breath. “Tell me, did this movie have a
crossword puzzle in it?”
“No. It didn’t have a sudoku, either. Of course, seventy years ago there weren’t any.”
“And nobody killed the town drunk?”
“Well, I can’t speak for Spenalzo. He might have been known to hoist a few.”
“Can you point out any other discrepancies between our murders and the movie?”
“Sure. The aunts’ other crazy nephew doesn’t live with them, blow his bugle and shout, “Charge!” as he runs up the stairs.”
“He does in the movie?”
“Yeah. He thinks he’s Teddy Roosevelt. You really ought to see this movie, Chief.”
“I can hardly wait. What else?”
“You mean different? The girl. Arlene. In the movie, the girl Cary Grant’s engaged to lives with her father, who’s a minister. Arlene’s an orphan, lives alone, and Alan spent the night.”
Dean Finley stuck his head in the door. “Excuse me, Chief. Henry Firth’s on the phone.”
“What’s Ratface want?” Cora said.
Dan tried to stifle a grin, but couldn’t help snickering. “Sorry, Chief.” To Cora he explained, “I promised the chief not to be amused when you degrade the county prosecutor.”
“I imagine that would be hard,” Cora said.
“What’s he want?” Harper said.
“He wants to know how come we suddenly got three poisons in the case, and why you’re telling the guys at the lab what type of wine they’re testing.”
“I suppose that’s my fault,” Cora said.
Dan was shocked. “You added poison to the wine?”
“No. I told them it was elderberry.”
“How did you know that?”
“It’s from the movie, Arsenic and Old Lace. The crime’s just like the movie.”
“Oh my God, you’re right!” Dan said. “You mean the aunts are guilty?”
“You’ve seen the movie?” Harper said.
“Everyone’s seen the movie.”
“I haven’t seen the movie.”
“Better bone up, Chief,” Cora said, “if you’re going to talk to Ratface.”
Chapter
25
The county prosecutor Henry Firth was somewhat conflicted. Cora Felton’s courtroom antics had often made him look foolish. On the other hand, his rather impressive conviction record was largely due to those antics. Not to mention the fact that Cora had often saved him embarrassment by steering him in the right direction when he was prosecuting the wrong person. Not that she couldn’t have slipped him a nod and a wink outside the courtroom, rather than show him up in public, and often on TV. In short, if Cora Felton had not existed, Henry Firth would not have created her. He would have been quite content to go about his merry way, prosecuting the cases as he saw fit. And in the long run, he was sure, that reputation for figuring out the tough cases that Cora Felton now had, would be his. Not that he was jealous, or bitter, or resentful. Nonetheless, Chief Harper’s association with Cora Felton had put a strain on their relationship. Often he had found himself second-guessing the chief, and wondering if the opinion the officer was expressing was actually his own.