by Parnell Hall
“How about arsenic?”
“No thanks, I’ve eaten,” Cora said.
Harper scowled, but Barney ignored the interruption. “From the bruising on the neck, I’d say she was strangled.”
“That’s what I thought,” Harper said. “Any idea when?”
“Five or six hours sound about right?”
“Yeah, that’d do it.”
“Okay, let’s get her to the morgue.”
“Soon as Dan’s done,” Harper said. “You got enough pictures of the corpse?”
“Yeah, fine,” Dan said.
Barney went out.
Harper watched him go, said, “Boy, I’m sure glad I didn’t find him.”
“What do you mean?”
“The cold shoulder he’s giving you. The guy didn’t like you before, but this really ices it. Thanks for doing it. I don’t need the medical examiner mad at me right now.”
Two EMS boys came in with a gurney. Cora wasn’t sure, but she thought they were the same ones as before. They loaded up the body, carted it away.
Alan and Arlene came in from the study.
“How’s your aunt?” Harper said.
“She’s all doped up. It’s for the best, but she’s gonna have a rude awakening. You know the TV crew’s already here.”
“Dan,” Chief Harper said, accusingly.
“Hey, don’t look at me. You said don’t call ’em, I didn’t call ’em.”
“Well, someone did.”
“I think it’s dreadful,” Arlene said. “You know what they’ve been saying? They’re saying this is all just a movie. That someone’s acting out Arsenic and Old Lace for real.”
“Yeah,” Harper said. “What do you think of that?”
“I think it’s really stupid. Have you seen the movie?”
“No.”
“Well, it’s not like the movie at all. In the movie you think someone kills one of the aunts?”
“They don’t?”
“It’s a comedy. How is that funny? You bump off an old lady.”
“They kill a lot of old men,” Cora said.
“They’re extras. Bit players. No one gives a damn about them. The aunts are killing them. That’s what’s funny. Little old ladies who murder. Who are so sweet, and innocent, and open about it. They’re absolutely darling. You couldn’t kill them.”
“Don’t tell me,” Harper said. “Tell them that.”
“Huh?”
“Rick Reed. The TV reporter. When he interviews you, you might point out that this is not like the movie at all. I’d like to nip that theory in the bud.”
“I’m not doing an interview.”
“Not a formal interview. Just if he asks you.”
“I’m not talking to reporters.” Arlene shuddered. “It’s ghoulish. Every time some kid gets killed you see the mother on TV saying what a good kid he was. How could she bear to be on TV? Even in this terrible tragedy, they can’t say no to the cameras.”
“It’s okay,” Alan said. “You don’t have to talk to them.”
“Are you going to talk to them?”
“I have to talk to them. She’s my aunt.”
“See what I mean?” Arlene said. “The relatives feel they have to be on TV.”
“If you don’t want me to, I won’t. But I’d like to spare poor Edith.”
“Of course. I hadn’t thought of that. I’m not thinking clearly. It’s all so awful. You have to tell them it’s not like the movie. Your aunts aren’t poisoning people. And Charlotte didn’t accidentally poison herself. Was she poisoned, by the way?”
Chief Harper shook his head. “No.”
“How?” Alan said.
“It would appear she was strangled.”
Arlene made a face, hid her head in Alan’s chest. She gathered herself, said, “Not at all like the movie. It’s so stupid. If it was like the movie, Alan would have a criminal brother who looks like Boris Karloff. And a crazy brother who thinks he’s Teddy Roosevelt and runs up the stairs shouting, ‘Charge!’”
“Which I certainly don’t,” Alan said.
“No fingerprints, Chief,” Dan called from the window seat.
Harper snorted in disgust. He didn’t expect any, but even so.
“You have any leads?” Alan said.
“I just got here.”
“Yes, but it must be the same person. Who committed all the crimes. Aren’t there any leads at all?”
“There’s a crossword puzzle. Cora solved it. It indicates Charlotte got killed for snooping around.”
“That’s ridiculous. What could she have possibly found?”
“I don’t know. But I intend to find out. When’s the last time you saw her?”
Alan thought for a moment. “This morning. I’d come over to shave.”
“I beg your pardon?”
Alan flushed. “I was at Arlene’s. I’d left my electric razor in my suitcase. I ran into Charlotte on my way out.”
“Did she say anything?”
“Not really.”
“What do you mean, not really?”
“Well, nothing helpful. Just chitchat.”
“About what?”
“About breakfast. You know old ladies. They always ask about the silliest things.” Alan blinked. Looked at Cora. Flushed. Looked away.
Cora pretended not to notice. “Having met Charlotte, I know just what you mean. Ditsy, scatterbrained, and you’re never quite sure what she’s talking about.”
“Exactly,” Alan said, happy to be off the hook. “Yes, she was. Very nice, but sometimes hard to follow.”
“So, what did she say about breakfast?”
“She asked me if I liked my pancakes.”
“You told her you had pancakes?”
“No. See, that’s what I mean. She just decided that, out of the blue. Probably that’s what she had for breakfast.”
“But you didn’t?”
“No, I had bacon and eggs.”
“Did you tell her that?”
“Sure.”
“Did you talk about anything besides breakfast?” Chief Harper put in.
“I can’t remember.”
“Could you try?”
“Is it that important?”
“I don’t know what’s important. But, aside from Edith, you could be the last person to see her alive. What time was this?”
“I don’t know. Ten thirty. Eleven.”
Harper turned to Arlene. “How about you? When was the last time you saw Charlotte?”
“Well, it wasn’t today. Let me see. Was it yesterday? Alan, help me out here. When’s the last time we saw Charlotte?”
“You saw her with Alan?”
“I wouldn’t have been over here without Alan.”
“But you might have been here looking for him?”
“That’s possible. I don’t recall.”
“Well, search your recollection. If you come up with anything, let me know.”
Dan Finley came back from outside. “Someone’s gotta talk to the TV people.”
“Aw, hell,” Harper said. “Cora?”
“Don’t look at me. I’m peripheral as all hell. Alan?”
Alan grinned. “Looks like I’ve got no one to pass the buck to. I’ll do the best I can, but they’re gonna want to talk to someone official.”
“And there’s a guy outside trying to get in,” Dan said.
“Who’s that?” Harper said.
“Some guy. Claims he’s a relative.”
“Of the decedent?”
“Yeah.”
“Get him in here. Maybe he knows something.”
“I don’t see how.”
“Dan.”
“Sorry. I’ll go get him.”
Harper turned to Alan. “You got any relatives you haven’t told us about?”
“Not to speak of. Of course, if you’re talking distant relatives, everyone has some. But if you’re talking about people involved with the family, there’s no one.”
Dan came back with a gaunt man in a button-down shirt and slacks. He couldn’t have been more than forty, but his long face, sunken eyes, and ashen complexion made him look older. Indeed, he looked like some apparition dredged up from hell to cast a pall over an already somber scene.
Alan’s mouth fell open. “Sebastian?” he murmured.
The apparition grinned. “Hello, kid brother.”
Chapter
41
“Your name’s Sebastian Guilford?”
“That’s right.”
“You are Alan’s brother?”
“Half brother. Same father, different mothers. Daddy was a rolling stone.”
“You’re his older brother?”
“That’s right.” Sebastian loosened his shirt collar. “Could I have a glass of wine?”
“I wouldn’t advise it.”
Chief Harper was questioning Sebastian Guilford in the study. Edith had been taken upstairs and put to bed, and Alan and Arlene had been banished to her house. Only Cora remained. She sat in the corner, tried to look inconspicuous.
“The wine was poisoned?”
“That’s right.”
“Did Charlotte drink it?”
“No, she was strangled.”
“Good God! That’s awful!”
“Whereas poisoning is rather sweet,” Cora said.
Sebastian pointed his finger. “Who’s she?”
“Cora Felton. She often assists on these cases. She’s very good at detecting guilt.”
“Detect away. I happen to be innocent.”
“We’ll be the judge of that. Where were you at one o’clock this afternoon?”
“Is that when she was killed?”
“It’s in the ballpark.”
“Yeah, well, I wasn’t. About that time I was in the airport.”
“Where?”
“Seattle.”
“You flew in from Seattle?”
“In a manner of speaking. Seattle to Dallas. Dallas to Atlanta. Atlanta to Bradley.” He shook his head. “Big mistake. Yeah, the airport’s closer, but three planes to get there? I could have flown nonstop to JFK.”
“So, what are you doing here?”
“Are you kidding? My aunt’s been killed.”
“Yeah, but you didn’t know that.”
“What?”
“When you left. She’d just been killed. The body wasn’t found for hours.”
“Then why’d you send for me?”
“What?”
“I got an e-mail. From the police department. Saying my aunts were involved in a murder, and I should come at once.”
“The police department?”
“That’s right.”
“I didn’t send you an e-mail.”
“Well, someone did.”
“Do you have it with you?”
“No, it’s an e-mail.”
“You don’t have a printout, or a laptop, or an iPad, or an iPhone, or whatever-the-hell people use these days?” Cora said.
“No. It’s on my computer at home. I didn’t figure I needed to bring it with me. What the hell is going on here?”
“That’s what I’d like to know,” Chief Harper said. He bellowed, “Dan!”
A few moments later Dan Finley stuck his head in the door. “Yeah, Chief?”
“This guy says he got an e-mail from the police department. You know anything about it?”
“No. Was it a form letter?”
“It was a letter telling him there’d been a murder.”
“Gee, Chief, I can’t imagine. I didn’t send it, and I’m sure Sam didn’t. Are you sure it was from the police department?”
“It said it was from the police department. I don’t remember the address, because I didn’t answer it.”
“What was the heading?” Dan said.
“Let me see. ‘Guilford aunt murdered.’”
“Murdered or murder?” Cora said.
Sebastian’s eyes narrowed. “Why do you ask me that?”
“It makes a huge difference. Murdered is specific. It means only one thing. Murder is open to interpretations.”
“I don’t remember. I thought it was murdered. It could have been murder. But when I read it, I thought it was my aunt.”
“So you hopped on a plane and came here?” Cora said.
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you call first?”
“I didn’t have the number.”
“Come again?” Chief Harper said.
“What can I tell you? I don’t have it. It’s been years since I’ve seen them. Or my baby brother, for that matter.”
“You couldn’t call information?” Cora said.
“It’s unlisted.”
“They run an unlisted bed-and-breakfast?” Harper said, incredulously.
“I’m sure it’s listed. But not under their names. And I don’t know what they call it.”
“So you dropped everything and flew here from Seattle?”
“Of course I did. My aunts and I are not close, but a murder is a murder.”
“Do you have any experience with murder?”
Sebastian’s eyes narrowed. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Outside of the fact it’s your aunt. You’re not a police officer, are you?”
“No.”
“What do you do?”
“I’m an investment broker.”
“What does that mean?”
“I handle other people’s money.”
Chief Harper’s manner was not reassuring. He reacted to that announcement as if Sebastian had just admitted to scamming elderly widows out of their social security.
Seeing Sebastian was about to clam up, Cora butted in. “You can easily prove you had nothing to do with this. Do you happen to have your plane ticket?”
“No.”
“Or a copy of your itinerary?”
“No. I have no idea when I’m going back. I got a one-way ticket.”
“And you don’t have it?”
“I threw it away on the plane. Why do I need it? I got a carry-on. I didn’t check any baggage. Once I’m on the plane, it’s just a useless piece of paper.”
“You had to change planes.”
“Yes, I did. On the last one, I threw it out. You know why? Because I didn’t expect anyone to care.” Sebastian looked at Chief Harper. “My aunt’s been murdered, and the best you can do is suspect me? That’s not very encouraging.”
“No one suspects you. We’d like to eliminate you as a possibility. You show up here, unannounced, with a story that doesn’t hold water. You get all huffy when we point out where it doesn’t.”
“What do you mean, it doesn’t hold water?”
“You claim the police sent for you, but they didn’t, and you have no evidence that they did. You claim you just flew in from Seattle, but you got no evidence of that. Where’s your suitcase, by the way?”
“In my car.” He snapped his fingers. “There you go. My car. I rented it at the airport. Doesn’t that prove anything?”
“It proves you rented a car,” Cora said.
“Oh, come on.”
“You killed your aunt, drove up to the airport, put your car in the long-term parking lot, and rented a car.”
“And then I drive all the way back and deliver myself into the arms of the police, who never suspected me anyway. You’re saying that’s my plan?”
“I’m not saying it’s a good plan.”
“What about motive?” Harper said. “Do you profit from your aunt’s death?”
“No.”
“You’re sure about that? Suppose they both should die? Would you inherit this house?”
“I certainly hope not. I wouldn’t know what to do with it.”
“You could always sell it.”
“In this market? I’m not so sure they own it free and clear. There may be a bit of a mortgage.”
“I see you’ve given this some thought.”
“Not really. But when you ask
the question, that’s my immediate reaction.”
“So you don’t expect to profit from their death?”
“No, I don’t.”
“You think Alan might? I mean, he’s here, he’s been ingratiating himself with them. Any chance they’d give the place to him and bypass you?”
“I suppose it’s possible. Frankly, I could care less.”
“But your brother might have a motive.”
“Alan might? Take a look at him. Can you imagine him killing anybody?”
“All right. You tell me. Can you think of anybody who’d want to hurt your aunt?”
Sebastian nodded. “Her sister, of course.”
Chapter
42
Chief Harper gawked in astonishment. “Edith Guilford?”
“That’s right.”
“Sweet little Edith Guilford?”
“She’s little, but she’s not so sweet. Not when you live with her. Why do you think I left? You think this was a dandy home? My God, those two women are enough to drive you nuts. Nice as can be, in front of other people. Alone? At each other all the time.”
“Interesting,” Cora said.
“Interesting?” Chief Harper said. “That’s not interesting. That’s absolutely incredible. I’ve known the Guilfords all my life.”
“Are you related to them? Not so nice in front of family. Vicious, vindictive, at each other’s throats.”
“Your brother doesn’t seem to think so.”
“Alan?” Sebastian laughed. “Alan may act that way. He’s got a lot of Guilford in him. You should hear him when he’s alone.”
“If he feels that way, why would he live there?”
“You have to ask? Free rent.”
“Nonsense. He has an apartment in the city.”
“Which will also turn out to be free rent. Some girl he lives with.”
Harper frowned.
“There is one, isn’t there?” Sebastian said. “See? Some things never change. Anyway, the way the sisters felt about each other, it was just a matter of time.”
“Well, that makes no sense. If Edith did this, she didn’t just kill her sister. She killed four other people.”
“So?”
“Why would she do that?”
Sebastian shrugged. “Isn’t that your department?”
“It’s your theory.”
“Yes, it is. You don’t have to like it.”
“But how can you think that, in the face of what’s happened?”