“I can’t wait to hear you guys,” I say as we reach the spot where we part ways. “You’re both gonna be great!”
“Hope so,” she says and for a moment I linger, wondering if she’ll say anything else. I’ve been waiting to see if she’d fill me in on any other gossip about Kiara, but for the past month, there’s been nothing about it from Lori, even when we’ve been alone. Too much time spent on the crush sheet, I figure, and I head down the hall to science.
As I shuffle in just ahead of the bell, I’m not surprised to see Kiara’s seat still empty. She’s been out all week, and I can’t help but feel jealous, wondering where her parents have taken her on vacation this time. Every February her dad goes somewhere cool on business and Kiara and her mom tag along. Last year, it was Australia. The year before that, Spain. With her luck, she’s probably somewhere warm and tropical this time, like Hawaii.
Oh well, I think, blinking away visions of palm trees. She can have Hawaii. I have the play. And a fun night tomorrow. Which may include Joseph! I feel for my phone, stuffed into my jeans pocket, willing it to buzz with a text. Even though I know Ava wouldn’t send one during school, I can’t help but wish.
She makes me wait another four hours until I’m in my room at my desk, trying to figure out a math problem set that seemed way clearer in class.
He’s in! it says.
I grip my desk as if holding on to the side of a tipping boat. I’m tingling. Excited and scared and oh my gosh, so nervous.
Not knowing what to say, I send a smiley face back.
Don’t worry, it’ll be great, she says.
My phone buzzes again as I’m typing Fingers crossed. And before I know it, I see my text has gone not to Ava but to Kiara.
Kiara?
My hands are full-on shaking now. I blink at the screen.
Yes. Kiara has just texted me. One word.
Hey.
And by mistake I’ve texted her back. Meaning she knows I’m on my phone.
I hold the phone like a hot potato, part of me wanting to fling it across the room, the other part wanting to call Ava for advice. But I haven’t told her much about Kiara, and the thought of telling her the whole story now exhausts me.
Kiara’s text is probably a mistake, anyway—it was probably meant for Beatrice or Aliyah. Breathing in, I send my response before I can talk myself out of it.
Sorry! Meant that for someone else prob like u did too! Ttyl!
As soon as I send it, another message comes back from Ava. We exchange a few more before saying good night. Yet sleep does not come easily. Because every few minutes, I’m looking down at my phone. Only the message I’m waiting for never comes.
Kiara doesn’t text back.
Leaving me to wonder why. Was it really a mistake? Or did she want something from me?
I grapple with the “what ifs” until my eyes burn with exhaustion. Around midnight, I find I can no longer keep them open. Her text must’ve been a mistake, I tell myself once and for all. Then I let my mind drift away, and close my eyes tight.
Chapter Twelve
MUSICAL CHAIRS
The auditorium is buzzing as Ava, Courtney, and I enter to find seats for the band concert. “Will it really be this full for the play?” I ask.
“Even more. Standing room only!” Courtney says.
I swallow. “Really?”
Ava nods. “They usually sell out every performance. But don’t worry. You really can’t tell from the stage.”
“Right,” I say. Her words do little to calm my nerves, which have kicked into overdrive ever since we walked into the high school. As if the day wasn’t stressful enough, wondering about Kiara and worrying about Joseph. At least Kiara still wasn’t back in school. Now that I’m at the concert, there’s no avoiding Joseph. In fact, he’ll be here any minute. He told Ava to save him a seat. And of course Ava thinks he should sit on the end, next to me. As much as I’d like that, I am still not sure I’m ready to be that close. I mean, I’m just starting to get the hang of saying hi at lunch. Could I really sit next to him for two hours—in the dark? Better to have a buffer. And who better than Ava, his BFFB? Which is why I think I should sit farther in. Courtney agrees, just as long as she’s close enough to watch whatever happens.
Ava leads us down to the main aisle before we can decide. “Well, we better sit before the seats are all gone. Oh look, down there. Looks like four right on the end.”
As we walk, I position myself between Ava and Courtney, hoping we’ll file into the row in the same order. But Ava stops us when we reach the empty row.
“Go in last,” she says.
I shake my head. “I don’t think I can.”
“Come on, it’ll be fine. It’s a show. It’s not like there’s much talking.”
“I know, but still. Please. I’m too nervous. Just take the end.”
She sighs. “Fine. But you better sit next to me. Courtney, you go in first.”
“Hey! But then I won’t hear anything!”
Ava raises her brow.
“Okay, okay,” she says.
In silence, we shuffle in. Courtney, me, and Ava. We leave one seat empty at the end.
Though as soon as we sit down, Ava’s popping up again.
“Hey, be right back!” she says.
I turn to Courtney. “Where’s she going?”
She shrugs. “Maybe to find Joseph?”
My heart beats faster, picking up more speed when it turns out Courtney’s right.
“Hey ladies,” she says, Joseph in tow.
She hangs back and pushes him into the row first, leaving him sandwiched right between me and her.
I hold my breath as my stomach rolls into a somersault.
“Hey Jas,” he says with that picture-perfect smile.
“Uh, hey,” I say, trying to ignore the pounding in my chest.
He smiles back at me again, and I do the same.
And then we sit there. In silence.
I can tell Ava’s eyes are rolling without even looking.
“So, Joseph, when is your sister on?” Ava says, saving me. “She still playing the trumpet?”
He nods. “I think sixth grade is on right after intermission. And then she’s got a solo in the finale. She’s getting really good.”
Courtney leans so far over, she’s almost in my lap. “Oh wow, that’s so cool. You’ll have to point her out to us,” she says. Looking at me, she asks, “Lori and Cameron both play clarinet, right?”
“Uh, yeah,” I say. “I mean, Lori does. Cameron plays trumpet.”
Joseph’s eyes light up. “Oh cool. I wonder if she knows my sister.”
“M-maybe,” I say.
Just then the lights dim, saving me from any further conversation. Joseph leans back in his chair and I do the same, hoping I look calm and relaxed even though my insides feel like someone just lit off a case of fireworks. And then for the next forty minutes, I make myself stare at the stage and not at Joseph. I don’t let my eyes meet his, even when I think they’re looking my way. Instead, I force myself to look for Lori and Cameron. To count the number of overhead lights. And it works. By the time the first half ends, I’m feeling more relaxed. And grateful I decided to wear a sweater. I’m pretty sure the shirt underneath is drenched in sweat.
As the curtain closes for intermission, Joseph turns to me. “Hey guys, anyone hungry? Court? Jas? Ava? Want me to grab anything at the snack bar?” he asks.
Courtney and Ava both nod.
“I’d love a cupcake from the bake sale,” Courtney says.
“And I’ll take popcorn,” says Ava.
They both reach for their wallets. Then Courtney stands up. “Sorry, but I need the bathroom.”
“Me too. Go together?” says Ava.
“Yeah, we’ll be back,” Courtney says, sliding by me.
And before I know it, I’m sitting there alone with Joseph.
“Hey, wanna come with me?” he asks. “I could use an extra pair of hands.”
<
br /> “Uh, yeah. Sure,” I say.
“Great, follow me,” he says, leading me into the crowd.
I follow him, still in shock from Ava and Courtney’s disappearing trick.
“You enjoying the show?” he asks as we file into line.
“Yeah. Definitely,” I say.
And then there it is again. Silence. As kids and parents mingle and smile and swirl around us, neither of us has anything to say.
Come on, Jas, say something, I think.
And, mustering up every ounce of courage, I do.
“I’m, uh, I’m excited to hear your sister though. That’s so cool she plays trumpet.”
Joseph smiles, and I wonder if he’s as relieved as I am that I’ve thought of something to say. “Yeah, we’re a pretty musical family I guess. My older sis is really into theater, like me.”
“Oh nice,” I say.
Before I can say more, someone taps me from behind.
Still jittery with nerves, I whip my head around fast.
And find myself face to face with Kiara.
“Jasmine! There you are! I’ve been looking all over,” she says, all smiles.
“I—uh, what?”
I turn to Joseph as the world begins to spin.
“Hey, I was wondering if we could talk,” says Kiara. “I was away all week and so much happened, and well, I know the timing’s not ideal, but—”
“No,” I say before she can finish. “I can’t talk. I don’t want to talk.”
The words come out sharp and loud. I can tell the people near us are listening. That I’m making a scene in public. Yet as Kiara asks me again, I find myself yelling even louder.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “But I’m busy. I can’t talk to you right now.”
“Please?” she asks, her eyes now thick with tears.
I shake my head. She reaches for my hand. “Hey, Jas, I know. I know I’ve been awful. But please? I just got home tonight, and your mom said you were here and after your text last night I just thought it’d be better if I could see you, you know, in person.”
Tears well as I shake my head again. “No, I’m sorry. Please. Just leave me alone.”
Kiara’s face falls. “Fine. Be that way,” she says, then disappears into the crowd.
Now the whole line is staring at me. I watch as hands are brought to mouths, whispers passed between friends, phones grabbed and texts sent. What have I done? I need to run far, far away. To crawl into a hole. And never come out.
My head spins like a carnival ride as I turn to run. And trip over my feet. I wobble forward, then fall. Right into Joseph.
He helps me up.
Oh geez. How can I ever talk to Joseph now?
“Hey Jas, you okay?” he asks.
“Yeah, I’m, uh, fine,” I say. “I, I just need to . . . I just need to go.”
Joseph frowns. “Hey, it’s all right. Just calm down,” he says. “Stay with me. Watch the rest of the concert. My sister hasn’t even gone on yet.”
I nod, but I know I can’t stay. The tears are already flooding my eyes. My nose is running like a faucet.
“I’m—I’m sorry,” I say, “but I’m really not feeling well. I think I need to go home.”
“You sure? Hey, why don’t I get Ava or Courtney?” he says.
Shoot. Ava and Courtney. Our sleepover. Why does Kiara have to ruin everything? For a minute I contemplate staying. Wiping my eyes and standing strong, just like Kiara would do. But I’ve never been good at hiding how I feel, and seeing Kiara has opened up a wound I don’t think I can deal with in public. So I shake my head.
Joseph sighs. “Who was that girl, anyway?”
“She’s just—just an old friend,” I say. “But I do think it’d be better if I just go home.”
“All right. Let me at least walk you out.”
I nod, too dazed to say any more.
“Let me know when you’re back safe, okay?” he says.
“Yeah, sure,” I say. “And, uh, tell your sister congrats from me.”
He shoots me a weak smile before leaving me by the door.
Once I’m alone, I run. For once, I don’t notice the cold.
Chapter Thirteen
WE NEED TO TALK
I wake up Saturday morning with twenty-seven missed texts and a pounding headache. Four are from Ava, three from Courtney, and two from Joseph. The remaining eighteen are from Kiara.
The lump in my throat returns before I even get out of bed.
I groan, rubbing my forehead. All I can think about is the crowd staring at me. The missed sleepover. And of how Joseph looked at me when I ran away. Will he ever talk to me again? Will Ava? Or Courtney?
Hands shaking, I decide to read through my messages. But before I can start, my phone rings.
It’s Kiara.
I hit Ignore.
But then it buzzes. A new text floods my screen.
Please, it says. I’m walking your way. I NEED to talk.
And as the lump grows bigger, I throw on some clothes. Joseph and Ava and Courtney will have to wait. I can’t ignore Kiara any longer.
I run out of my house before Kiara can ring the bell and meet her on the street.
“So. What do you want?” I say, crossing my arms.
Kiara’s eyes are red, her hair messy and wild.
She opens her mouth to speak, yet nothing comes out.
A moment later, I hear a whisper.
“I’m sorry,” she says.
I frown, wondering what this sorry means. Is she sorry she tracked me down at the concert and embarrassed me in front of Joseph? For bailing on JKDesigns? Or for what she said back in November? Most likely she’s thinking only of last night, I think, given how long she’s avoided me. I wait for a moment to see if she’ll say more, but nothing comes. Suddenly, I feel a rush of anger. What is she doing? Now that I have new friends, she wants to come mess that up for me, too?
“You’re not forgiven,” I say. “I don’t even know why you’re here, face friend.”
Her face crumbles into her hands as I spit my words.
“I know, I know, I’ve been so awful,” she says.
And as she cries, I step forward, the anger growing with each step. Like a steaming tea pot, I’m boiling over, unable to hold in my feelings any longer.
“Awful doesn’t even start,” I say. “I mean, what you said about me to your new friends was awful. But then to blame it on me? To tell everyone that it was my fault we stopped hanging out? That I was jealous? I mean, come on, Kiara. I listened to your basketball stories, went to your games and cheered you on, tried to hang out with you and your new friends—even when you had no time for me or JKDesigns or anything I care about. I tried, Kiara, and you threw our friendship away like a piece of trash. So forgive me if I don’t feel like talking to you. If I’m maybe still a little angry about how you’ve acted for the past few months, including—make that especially—last night.”
Her mouth falls as she stares back at me. After a minute, she nods her head.
“I know,” she says. “You’re right. I never meant for everything to get so out of hand.”
“If you didn’t like my bags or want to do JKDesigns, you could’ve just told me,” I say.
Kiara looks down. “I know. But Jas, the thing is I do like your bags. Actually, I love them!” I give her a look of disbelief, but she goes on. “If anything, I was always a little jealous, of how the design thing came so naturally to you. Part of why I tried out for basketball was because I wanted to find something I could be good at, like you are at fashion design.”
“But you’re good at it too! And that still doesn’t explain what you did to me.”
She sighs. “So I can make a hair clip, big deal. It’s not like designing a bag or an outfit.”
“You know I still can’t make a dress pattern.”
“But one day you will, and then you’ll go off and be famous without me.”
I look at her, baffled. “So because you’re afraid
I’m better at fashion design, you thought it was a good idea to make fun of me?”
She shakes her head. “No, that’s not it! I just wanted to be good at basketball, and part of that was getting those girls to like me! Only, all they care about is talking about boys and making fun of other girls. So when they started making fun of you . . . well, I knew it was wrong, but I went along with it. I knew they wouldn’t be my friends if I didn’t.”
I stare at her, stone-faced.
She sighs. “Aliyah started the rumor that you were jealous. When you ran away in the hall, she called you a jealous crybaby. The story kind of grew from there. And even though I knew it wasn’t true, part of me wanted to believe it. To blame you instead of myself.”
“We were best friends, Kiara. Didn’t that mean anything?”
“I never meant for you to hear,” she says.
“So? That doesn’t make it any better,” I say. “And then you knew that I did hear . . . ”
She looks up, then down and away. For a moment she is silent. Then she whispers. “I chose them.”
I try not to cry as the pain comes flooding back. “So why are you here now? They’re your chosen friends.”
She frowns. “They’re not exactly my friends. At least not Aliyah or Mary Beth. Turns out your bag isn’t the only thing they hated. I heard them making fun of my headbands too.”
“Surprise, surprise,” I say. “And here I thought they were giving you tons of orders.”
She sighs. “I know. I told you, I messed up. I thought if I could act like them, then I could be one of them. But really, they were just laughing behind my back. All their help getting me together with Carter? It was just so Mary Beth could get closer to his best friend. At least Beatrice is nicer. Having her has kept me sane. But deep down, it’s still been tough. I still miss my best friend.”
“Right. Who’s that, again?” I say, even though I know what she means. Plenty of times I’ve wished Ava and Courtney knew me as well as Kiara did, and that they could read my moods or get my jokes or understand what I mean without me having to explain. But just because I miss what we had doesn’t mean I’m ready to forgive her now.
Kiara reaches into her pocket for a tissue. “I’m sorry, Jas. I should’ve apologized months ago. But then this stuff started happening at home and it’s been so upsetting. I’m just so scared. And you’re the only one I trust.”
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