“Fine,” I said. I handed the phone back to him. “He’s yours. I might have thought during the pregnancy that he wasn’t, but he is. Russell never knew.”
“How long have you known.”
“Shortly after his birth it became obvious. As he got bigger and looked nothing like Russell, I was surprised Russell never noticed. We were married anyway, and he had signed the paperwork.”
“But it wasn’t true.”
“No, but what was I supposed to do? I never thought I would see you again. I didn’t even know your name. I had a husband and he acknowledged the child as his own. It was for the best.”
“We’ve been in contact how long now? Why didn’t you say something? How long has your husband been dead? Why didn’t you say something then?”
“It was wrong and I’m sorry I did it. I shouldn’t have.”
“Sorry? That’s all you have to say?”
“What more do you want? It was a bad move, but I can't turn back time.”
Niall was red, anger radiating off of him. He ran a hand through his hair and glared at me. “Do you understand what you’ve done? How could you do this to me? Let me live years of my life ignoring my child.”
“You didn’t know you had one. Nobody would hold that against you.”
“But you lied to me!” he yelled. I recoiled. I had never seen him this upset, and it was scary.
“I don’t know what more I can do but apologize.”
“Is that going to get me back the years with my son? Will it take away the fact that I was living it up like I was single because I didn’t know I had a child?”
“How many times do you want me to apologize?”
“Do you know what? Riley deserves an apology more than I do. He is the one who’s had to grow up without a father all his life. He could have had someone who cared but he got Russell, a drunkard who left his mother in poverty.”
My temper flared. This was a sore subject for me. I wouldn’t allow him to criticize me for the ways that I had chosen to protect my son. “Riley is loved. Russell wasn’t there for him, but he’s been showered with attention his whole life.”
“I can't believe you’d do this to me.” Niall was trembling, he was so angry at me. “I swore… I fucking swore that if I ever had kids, they wouldn’t have the same childhood I had. They wouldn’t be ignored by parents whose first love was money.”
“You don’t have to worry about Riley. He’s loved and protected. And you don’t have to worry about your life either. I won’t ask you for anything.”
“I can't believe you’ve done this.”
“Get off your high horse for one second and realize I did what I had to do.”
“You come off of yours and realize that what was best for your ego and comfort might not have been best for Riley.”
“Fuck you, Niall.”
“Likewise.” He turned and walked out. I slammed the door behind him. I heard his car drive away as I crumpled to the floor.
There. The secret was out. Not the way I expected or the way I wanted. With anger, shouting and hurt feelings. That last one was inevitable. How long did I think I would be able to keep up the charade?
He knew now.
It was his move. Sobs racked my body thinking about what he might do. I didn’t think he was wrathful, but I had never seen him that angry. Whatever he did, I wanted the punishment to fall on me, not my son. I deserved it. All I could do was brace for whatever happened next.
I got up, hurrying to the bathroom to wash my face. My son and Prue couldn’t come in here and find me a sobbing heap on the floor. I couldn’t tell Prue either. How was it that even now that my secret was out, I was still utterly alone in the knowledge? I dabbed my face dry and hoped the swelling and redness would fade once they were home. As far as they were concerned, I was fine.
31
Niall
I threw the bottle back, emptying its dregs down my throat. Straight whiskey. It burned on its way down, or at least it was supposed to, but I was drunk enough not to feel it anymore. I put the bottle down and wiped the back of my hand over my mouth. I was back in my room at the tavern. It was sometime in the evening, but I couldn't be sure. I wasn't sure what time I had started drinking and I didn't know what time it was now. All I knew was that I wanted to get drunk enough to forget everything that had happened today. I wanted to get drunk enough to forget that I had ever met Eddy in the first place.
I couldn't believe it. Riley was my son.
Riley was my son.
I was somebody’s father. It still didn't make sense to me. In my mind, when I had a child, I was a participant in the process. I was there when they were born, I lived with them in the same house, I was in love with their mother, and I gave them everything that my parents failed to give me. I was never sure about whether or not I wanted kids, but I was sure that I was not going to be the kind of parent that my parents had been.
They had barely been parents. I had basically been raised by wolves. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, all on their dime. Money they had plenty of and they gave me all of it, but it wasn't what I wanted. I had learned the hard way that a lot of money, even infinite amounts just didn't match up to having parents who loved and listened to you. It sounded like such a small and stupid thing to ask for, but it meant the world to a child. That was all children really wanted; someone who gave a damn. I swore to myself that my child would never feel neglected. They would know that I loved them. They would know that they could count on me and that they were my first priority. Eddy never let me do that.
Sure, what had happened between us was embarrassing. If Riley had been conceived the night that her husband sold her to me, then I would be embarrassed too. Why did she let that get in the way of her parenting? And why did she allow her embarrassment to get in the way of Riley having a real father around? I would have shown up for him if I knew that he existed. I would have moved back to London. I would have paid for the lawyers to get her divorced from Russell, I would have done anything.
She never let me be a father and that was what hurt the most. She never gave me a choice between whether I would be a good dad or a deadbeat. She forced me into that role by not telling me that I could have been doing better. And what about my son? She made him grow up thinking that Russell was his father. Russell. That disgusting man who had sold his mother in a card game. That drunkard, philandering gambler who had left them penniless.
That was the man who Eddy allowed my son to think was his father. She thought that I was worse for my son than Russell.
I let that sink in.
I sauntered over to the bed and fell down, lying on my back. I wanted Russell to be alive so that I could kill him again. And Eddy? I didn't know what I wanted to do with her. I wanted to never see her again, how about that? How sad was it that I still loved her too much to wish ill upon her? She was still my son's mother and even if I wasn’t involved in his life, I needed her to be okay so that she could take care of him. This sucked. This sucked more than anything I had ever experienced in my life.
I got up to my feet. Russell. Eddy. Riley. Riley.
He could have been living with me. They both could have been living with me in London, or anywhere else but here. He could be going to an exclusive daycare. He could have any toy, any game that he wanted in the world. He could have all the black licorice that he could possibly eat. He could have a father who loved him. I rushed the wall and punched it, my fist making a hole in it. I didn't feel it, but I knew that I would next morning. Fuck this. Fuck everything. I went back to the bed, this time falling face down. I wasn't sure when I passed out, but the shrill sound of my phone ringing woke me up.
When I opened my eyes, I shut them again immediately. My head ached. My whole body hurt. I felt like my joints were trying to separate and my body was disintegrating. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I got up and fumbled around the room for it.
“Hello?” I growled.
“Niall, there you are. Have you just wok
en up?” It was Charlie.
I looked at the phone to see what time it was. It was eleven in the morning, which meant it was the next day. I had been passed out for more than twelve hours. Jesus Christ, I thought I was past this point in my life.
“What do you want Charlie?”
“What’s going on with you?”
“Hangover. What do you want?”
“Has something happened Niall? You got drunk last night and that's not like you. Well, it's not like how you've been lately. What's going on? What's changed?”
Curse Charles and his perception. Was it worth lying to him just to get off the phone? I was sore and hungover. My hand was killing me. I forgot that I drove it into a fucking wall the night before. What was there to hide anymore? Eddy had betrayed me, and everything had fallen apart.
“It's Eddy,” I finally admitted.
“What happened?”
“It turns out, her son who I thought belonged to her and her husband is actually mine. It all started five years ago. The man, Russell, he was a terrible gambler. They were newlyweds and he staked her in a game of cards.”
“That's disgusting.”
“It gets worse. He actually lost. I ended up winning her that night, and well...”
“You slept with her?”
“It's not as bad as it sounds. We both wanted it. We had both been drinking. After that night, I thought I'd never see her again, but now, five years later, I come across her again and I find out she has a son. She has had weeks to tell me that the boy was mine and she didn't.”
“Why would she do that?”
“Are you trying to defend her?”
“No, no. I'm just saying. I want to think that she had a good reason.”
“She kept my kid from me. I swore, Charlie, I swore that I would never be the absent parent to my own children that my parents were to me. She never let me get the chance to be his dad. What was I supposed to do?”
“Niall, this is insane. Nobody is going to think you are a deadbeat if you never even knew that you had a kid.” I heard a voice in the background and Charlie answering it. It was Brenna. He said that he was putting me on speaker. Since I was telling him, the news was going to get to her eventually, so I didn't care about her knowing.
“What's going on Niall?” she asked.
“I just found out that the woman I'm seeing hid the fact that I'm the father of her child for five years.”
“Oh my God, what?” I told the story again from the beginning, this time a lot calmer. Maybe that was just the effect that Brenna had on me or maybe I was actually calming down. I couldn't be as angry as I was yesterday for the rest of my life, even though yesterday it felt like I would be.
“That's awful Niall, I can't imagine going through something like that.”
“You're lucky you never have to. You're a woman, nobody can hide your own child from you.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“What?”
“Do you love her?”
“What?”
“Do you love her?” Charles repeated his wife’s question.
“What does that have to do with anything? She betrayed me in the worst way that a woman can betray a man.”
“If you love her then you have to forgive her.”
“Brenna, what the hell are you talking about?”
“If she's anything like I think she is, she isn't a vindictive woman. She didn't hide the child from you in order to punish you. She did what she thought she had to do. She was desperate. I know what it's like to be desperate. You cannot fault a woman for doing everything in her power to protect her child.”
I bit my lip thinking about it. “That was one way of looking at it.” Brenna and Charles had gone through their own share of drama. Besides his mother being firmly against the two of them getting together, Brenna had signed herself up for surrogacy services because she was running low on money and her mother was going through chemo. She knew desperate. Sometimes, it made you do things that other people had trouble empathizing with.
“I agree, Niall,” Charlie said. “I don't think it's fair for you to take this personally when she was doing what she thought she had to do to secure her child's future. I think your best course of action is talking to her.”
“I don't know,” I said.
“Think about it,” Brenna said. “If you are sure that you can go the rest of your life never seeing her or the boy again, then don't go to her. If you know that you're going to regret it, then go and see her.”
I got off the phone and drank some water. I had a lot to think about. I knew that I was angry at the phone for ringing and angry at Charlie for waking me up, but it felt like his phone call had come at just the right time. I went downstairs and shoveled some food down my throat. Going back up, I had a shower and ultimately started to feel human.
I knew my next stop, but I was hesitating. I had to talk to Eddy. I knew that I was going to regret it if I didn't. What happened after that though? Talking to her was one thing but what came after? I wasn't sure that I could forgive her. But live without her though? That answer was a hard no. Maybe understanding what she did would come with time, but I knew that I would miss her for the rest of my life if I walked away now. Once again, I had to go back. I kept going back to her, I didn't know why I thought I could stay away this time. I had to try one more time. This time, not just for her, but for our son.
32
Edwina
I stared at the screen of my laptop, the financial spreadsheets on display. This was it. This was the end. I had learned to budget living with Russell out of necessity. He pissed money away at the speed of light leaving me to fend for myself. Now, the skill was coming in handy for very sad reasons. I was budgeting the money that Niall had given me and trying to see how far I could make it stretch on its own, without any other contributions.
Unsurprisingly, the answer was not very far. I looked at our expenses. The thing that took most of our money was the estate. Money issues earlier on had led to us taking out another mortgage on the place and in hindsight, I wish I hadn’t. Was it better to be homeless but have food or have the roof over our heads but no food? We could save tremendously if we weren't paying for the house. Letting the bank take it and moving to some place more affordable sounded like a no brainer but I was hesitant.
The thought made me feel sick. I had a feeling that eventually, it would come to this but of course, I was dreading it. Anticipating it hadn’t made it hurt less when the time had finally come. As many terrible things that happened to me in the house, this place was my son's home. It was his by rights when he was old enough to receive his inheritance. I wanted him to have it because it was rightfully his but right now, things weren't looking good. If we gave up the estate, we could move into somewhere much cheaper, and our money could last us much longer. That would mean saying goodbye to the place that had been my son's home for his whole life.
I sighed. Riley would just have to forgive me. There was no way to keep the house and stay afloat at the same time. If I sold the place, I could pay off Russell's debts so we could finally be debt-free. That would be a huge weight off our shoulders and would allow us to live in peace for the first time since his death. We would have to move of course, probably finding a small flat somewhere. I would have to get a job but even with work, I doubted that I would be able to keep paying Prue in that state. I had always had help with Riley so that would be an adjustment, but Prue had always been at our side. I couldn't afford her salary but selling the estate, I could pay her a generous severance.
It all sounded so awful. I really wanted to have a fresh start, but I didn't like that it would come at the cost of losing everything that I knew and had become accustomed to. My life wasn't all bad, that was what I was coming to realize now that I was about to kiss it goodbye. Everything could have been far far worse. Belshire wasn't that awful of a place to live. It was remote and small, but it was peaceful and my son loved it here. Prue was likely my only real f
riend outside of Missy. I would miss her, but it couldn’t go on like this.
Adjusting was going to be rough but then, it would stop being so rough. I would adjust and things would slowly start to make sense. We would integrate into our new communities. We would forget about the past. Soon enough, we would have new lives. A small flat in a new town would be scary and hard to get used to but that would only last so long. Once I did start over, and I did get my finances in order, we could eventually move into a nice house somewhere. I wasn't remaining in this state forever. It was just difficult to see the forest through the trees.
Fine. It was decided then. What was I going to pack?
The bank would probably love to hear this. I had been giving them the run-around, insisting that I would be hanging on to the house but now, they could finally have it. Part of me was going to be glad to see it go. Finally, it wouldn't be my problem anymore. Lord knew that I was ready to start again. This wasn't really the fresh start that I wanted after Russell died, but I was taking what I got. The only place to go from here was up.
The door of my bedroom was open. I heard Prue answer the front door and talk to whoever had to come knocking. I didn't think much of it. I was just turning my attention back to my laptop when I heard her voice calling through the house for me. She came up the stairs and appeared in my doorway.
“What is it, Prue?”
“The Earl of Arden is here to see you,” she said. She looked us surprised as I was.
“Why? Did he say what he wanted?”
“He simply said that he wanted to see you. Nothing more. Is something going on between you two?” she asked.
At one point yes, but not anymore. I got up.
Admit You Love Me: A Secret Baby Romance (Irresistible Billionaires Book 2) Page 19