by DD Prince
“I did tell you I’m a monster. And I told you that I’d never be happy. I’ve been tryin’ for nearly three weeks and I almost had myself fooled. You almost made me believe I was worthy. The way you look at me. But I’m not. Now you finally know.”
“Congratulations. You were right,” she snaps, snidely.
She takes another swig.
“Slow down, you’re not used to that shit, Holly.”
She ignores that and takes another. “You’ve done bad shit, Alessandro. Really bad shit. I’m sure you’re suffering for it, though. I told you I was not giving up on you.”
“And have you?”
She shakes her head. “I can’t … I can’t process this in five minutes or five hours or however long it’s been. I’m just… I don’t know why I escaped all that pain and they didn’t. I don’t know why you kept me safe and they were all nameless and faceless. I just … I don’t know. My heart hurts, that’s all.” She lifts the bottle.
I take the bottle away from her. “Yeah. My heart feels like it’s shrouded in ice. My soul under a blanket of black. It’s been like that for more than ten years. Twelve years. My whole life, really, because of the fucked up place I come from. Except when I’m with you. It’s still ice but there are cracks. It’s still black, but there’s this tiny little pinprick of light,” I say. “Because of you.”
“Your stupid foolish little flower, right?” she asks snidely. She’s feeling the booze, I can see that.
“Yeah. My foolish girl.” I lean over and touch her face. She doesn’t pull away. She leans into my hand.
“I come from rape. My mother pulled off a miracle and got us away. I fucked up and that meant he dragged us back and hurt her. I’ve seen him hurt her. I’ve seen him rape her, held down by four guards while he made me watch. He goaded me into raping the slaves. He raped my cousin and I had to cut her down when she hung herself in his office. She was beautiful. She had long hair like you. You came a year to the day after I had to cut her down.”
She looks at me, mouth wide open.
“I can’t justify what I did in that basement, Holly. I went down there without being goaded, too. I went down there and took from those girls something I can’t ever make up for. I can’t fix what I did to you. How much I’ve hurt you. All I’ve done to hurt you. There’s no way I can make up for that to them or to you, mi pequeña flor. Never.”
“Let’s go to bed,” she says.
I shake my head, “You go.”
She gets up and crawls onto my lap. I sit stiff. She puts her hands on my face.
“I want to get fucked by my monster beneath your mask. Why don’t you come. Let’s hate fuck.”
I stare at her.
“Too soon?” she asks, bitterly. She’s drunk and she’s angry. I deserve this. I deserve so much more than this.
“I don’t hate you,” I say.
“You didn’t hate them either. They were faceless nameless slaves. Well, I’m your slave, too, but you know my face and my name. Come. I need you. Maybe I need to hate fuck you right now.”
“I’ll be there in a minute,” I say.
I put the bottle to my lips and drink some.
She goes inside.
To make her turn on me like that, to make her beat herself up? She’s got survivor’s guilt because I saved her and didn’t save any of the hundreds of girls that I saw come and go in that place.
I sit and ponder my life, I sit and ponder all of it. The decisions I’ve made. How selfish I’ve been. The ways I could’ve maybe done it all differently.
Holly
I wake up alone. He didn’t come to bed.
I went to bed naked and waited, figuring he’d come to bed and take me. Maybe he’d take me sweetly, though, showing me he’s not a monster. I know he’s not. I know he’s spent a lifetime in pain with remorse and I can’t ever think it’s okay that he hurt those slaves, but I also know that I don’t know what it’s like to be in his shoes.
Zack told me that his father made him and his brother as well as his other guards do stuff to the slaves. Alessandro told me a dozen times I shouldn’t love him, I shouldn’t have hope. How do I feel today? I feel like maybe yesterday needed to happen. It brought us both a dose of reality. Maybe it brought Julie some sort of closure, too.
Maybe we can more easily find a way to move on from here.
I get dressed and go out, expecting to see him sleeping on the couch or sitting out on the terrace.
He’s not here.
I look and see that the condo’s alarm is armed. His keys and wallet aren’t by the door. I go to the kitchen to start the coffee and see a piece of paper sitting there. My heart sinks as I lift it.
Holly,
I’m leaving. Not because you were mad at me last night. I know you and I know that by this morning you’ve got stars in your eyes again, hope for me. But, I won’t steal any more of your life away from you.
I’ll never be what you deserve. Your hope for me is beautiful, little flower, but it’s wrong, and it’s wasted.
There will be a cashier’s check in a safety deposit box located in Melbourne, Australia at the bank across the street from the Little Hollyhock Flower Shop in a couple days. Fitting, right? Use the money to reboot your life. Open a gallery. Paint something beautiful. You are so talented. Be happy.
Just don’t ever marry anyone else, okay? You can make some guy the happiest man on earth if you want by being with him, but don’t ever call anyone else your husband. That’s all I ask.
Be happy. You deserve so much more than I can ever be. The demons in me are alive and breathing and even with the dragon slayed, they’re right when they tell me that I don’t deserve you. I never did. But thank you for all that you gave me.
Alessandro.
The letter floats to the floor. I crumble and fall, like a pile of used up shredded ribbons.
Alessandro
Buenos Aires, Argentina
8 Months Later
I wake up in the dead of night, sweaty, hearing an incessant buzzing sound. My phone? Not ringing. Not a text. What the fuck sort of sound is it making?
I grab for it from the table beside my bed. It falls on the floor with a pile of change and my wallet.
I half crawl off the bed with the heels of my hands, my legs still in the bed, so I can reach it. I find it in the pile of discarded clothes from that day.
Acid rises in my gut at the same time as the words what the fuck leave my mouth.
ATTN-Holly -42.8821, 147.3272
I click on the string of digits. Hobart, Tasmania.
Eli and Natasha are the only ones I can think to call. The number isn’t in service. I call Wes.
“Is there any reason you know of why Holly’s panic button is registering in Tasmania?”
“Hello to you, too, fucker.”
“Wes. Fuck. Panic button!”
“She bought it from them. She called them up and made them an offer.”
“When?”
“Recently.”
“I need help. She hit the panic button in her necklace.”
I don’t have people. I don’t have anything. I’m living quiet. Tryin’ to mind my own fuckin business.
Fuck. What the fuck has happened to her on that island that she’s calling me for help?
“I’m already at Benito Juarez. Waiting on you in a charter. I’ll give you a ride.”
“What?”
“Trust me. You need to go to her.”
“She arranged this with you?”
“Maybe.”
“Wes. I’m tryin’ to move on. Tryin’ to let her move on.”
“Lex.”
“What? It’s three o’clock in the fucking morning. If she’s not in trouble…”
“Trust me. Come. Now.”
I text Rocco, who lives with his new wife, two minutes away, to tell him I’m out of town. I’ll let him know when I’m back.
***
Wes drops me off in a boat he borrowed from Eli.
“Come with. I don’t know what the fuck I’m walking into here.”
“I do. And I’ll see ya in a bit.”
He pulled the boat away as I got onto the dock.
Fucking shit.
He wouldn’t answer any of my questions the way here, just kept telling me to trust him. It took every ounce of self-control to not wring his fucking neck.
I have a gun and a knife on me. No luggage. I just needed to know what the fuck.
It looks like nothing’s happening, but I have the gun drawn.
I see the light on from the little house and approach it.
The door swings open and there she is. In a white sundress, bare feet, her golden hair loose and almost to her waist.
My heart’s in my fucking throat at the sight of her.
“Who do I kill? I told you there’d be death if you pushed this button.” I close the distance between us and grab her necklace.
“Your demons. Your demons die right here. And I wanna be the one that does the killing.” The fierceness in her eyes is killing me. Even in the moonlight I can see how serious she is.
“I’d fuckin’ love to be the one who makes your dreams come true, but Holly… It’s just not…” I let that hang.
Fuck, she’s beautiful. Her hair is so long. I take a lock of her hair in my hand and examined the spun gold.
“I grew it for you,” she whispers, “Never cut it again if you don’t leave me.”
I let out a breath. Fucking killing me softly.
“I don’t like it without you. Life, I mean.”
“Baby…”
“Have you been with anyone else?” she demands, “because I haven’t. I won’t. Ever. And even if you have, I can forgive you. You’re still mine.”
“No,” I say. “Haven’t been with anyone.”
“I’ve done it alone for eight months. Eight long months, and no. I need you. You’re mine.”
“Princesa…”
“Come inside.”
In the dark, waves crashing against the rocks, I look around.
“Why are you here?”
“You said you could settle down on a place like this.”
“Never said that to you.”
“Said it to Wes. He told me. All I want is for you to let me keep my vows. To never stop trying. Even if you’re not happy every day. Even if some days are hard. Let me keep my vows to not stop trying. It almost killed me when you left. But I had to learn to be strong. And I did. I had to do things alone that I shouldn’t have to do alone. I need you. Don’t leave me again.”
“You’re strong, are you?” I challenge.
“Yes. I’ve had to be,” she says, “I’ve had to go it alone for eight months. A very long eight months! And I don’t wanna do it without you anymore. I shouldn’t have to. You made vows to me! I want you to keep them. I want you to let me keep mine. I can make you happy. We can be happy. Maybe not every day, but most days.”
I fall to my knees at her feet and wrap my arms around her legs. She feels so good. I’ve missed her every minute of the day, every time I breathe in, in hurts.
She puts her hands in my hair.
“Are you staying?” she asks.
“Fuck, Holly. I don’t know. I’m not good for you.”
“I need you. And I’m not the only one.”
I look up at her.
“Come inside.”
Horror washes through me. Not the only one? No. I start doing quick calculations. And the math? Fuck. No. Fuck no.
Holly
“I have something to tell you,” I blurt, feeling my face go red. His eyes are filled with horror.
I’ve pulled him by the hand and we’re standing in the living room. I look at the door to the bedroom.
“Rather, I have someone for you to meet.”
He goes stiff. He already knows. He knew outside on the porch. I know by the faces he made.
I take his hand and walk him to the bedroom that I’d stayed in when I was a prisoner here.
He stops outside the door and looks at me with disbelief on his face. His eyes are pleading with me. He already knows and is begging me to make it not be true.
Too bad. It is true. And it’s time he stopped making me do this alone.
Alessandro
She takes my hand and walks me to the room she used to be kept locked in. There’s just a nightlight on, but I can see that the walls were painted with her talented hands, like an enchanted forest. Bambi style. There’s a dark wooden sleigh crib in the corner and in it, is a sleeping baby.
No. Fuck no.
“He’s almost two weeks old. He’s so alert. He’s such a good baby. He was born here. Tash delivered him. We had a doctor come out and supervise. He’s perfect. Absolutely perfect. I named him Alexander. I call him Zander. I hope that’s okay? It’s the name you wanted to be, what your mother called you before she closed her eyes that last time, so I thought… I hope it’s okay.”
I move to the crib and look down at him and nothing has ever hurt this much. Nothing.
He’s a carbon copy of me. It’s as if I’ve spit him out, he looks that much like me.
He stirs and opens his eyes and they’re on me. Alert. Blinking. And then he starts to kick, impatient, and then his head turns to the side, like he’s seeking something. He’s hungry? His fists start punching out at the air and he starts to wail.
Holly turns the light on and reaches for him.
She sits in the rocking chair with him and pulls the bodice of her nightgown down and he latches on to her breast. He’s blinking and those eyes. They’re mine.
Fuck. FUCK.
Something washes over me. And it feels like a baptism, a cleansing. Seeing those eyes on someone pure and beautiful? It hurts so much I can’t keep my feet.
I’m on the floor, no on a rug, a blue, yellow, and red rug like the magic flying carpet in Aladdin. These two have brought me to my knees. I don’t know if all the demons are washed away at this moment or if they could come back any minute to taunt me, but for the first time in a very long time, I can’t feel them.
And for now, I’ll take it.
Epilogue
Alessandro
December 26
It’s Holly’s 21st birthday. I hate that I missed her pregnancy. Hate that she did all that alone, that I wasn’t there for her, to cut the cord. To share that beauty. I plan to get her pregnant again soon so that I can be there for it this time. And the next. I want half a dozen kids.
A baby changes things.
Obviously.
No more spending so much time in my head thinking on all my regrets. There’s no time for that when you become a parent. And I get why Mama didn’t blame me for shit. I look at him, I watch how he changes and discovers new things every day, and know in my soul that there’s nothing he could ever do that would make me regret him being alive.
I don’t see my father’s eyes on his face, and not even my eyes anymore. I see his eyes. I see intelligence, curiosity, a bit of a temper sometimes. I see him. My son.
Yes, it seems I have a little bit of a soul left. Only because of my little flower. She kept it safe for me. She was my tether and now I’ve got another one. One that she gave me. She could’ve gone on and lived her life without my shit. She could’ve easily found a thousand different men who’d step in and look after her and my son. But she wanted me.
We’re living in Spokane. We’ve already gone back twice to our place on the island. I like how I have my space there, but it’s kind of far as a vacation home. She likes it here. She also likes that she’s only a 5-hour drive or a quick flight from her sister. I’m thinking of buying us a cottage on a lake within an hour’s drive of her sister’s place.
Here, we have a nice home that she’s taken time to decorate. She volunteers, she takes care of our son. She makes me her meatballs once a week.
Rocco came and visited once. Saw Zander. It was awkward for Holly but she was friendly. She’d
seen him when she got on a plane immediately after I left her. She went to Melbourne, hoping to get there at the same time as I did, but it was him I’d sent to set up her safety deposit box. She tried to beat him up in the middle of the street, demanding he tell her how to find me. He wouldn’t. He’s loyal like that.
She went on without me for a while, but I guess once she had the baby, she decided to hit that panic button. And I thank my stars every fuckin’ day that she did.
She says when he’s in school full time she wants to think about going to school to get her degree in art. She doesn’t know what she’ll do with it, but I want her to have everything she wants. I also want her to have as many more babies as her body can give me so it could be a while before all our kids are in school. I haven’t broached that topic with her yet, but I plan to soon.
I had a lot of money squirreled away. Dresden was good for his word and left me alone after taking my father in. My father is still awaiting trial and it’s gonna take a while, but it looks like he could go to Death Row. He hasn’t reached out to me. No one has. I’m hoping that I can go on and live life like I wanna do. Like I think I’m ready to do.
No one else got pulled in as a result of me ending things with the business, so that’s probably what’s kept me from getting a price put on my head. I occasionally call Marco Fuentes as he’d know if there was a price out for me and it seems that I’m being allowed to go ahead and live my life.
I bought a transportation company. I ship via land, water, and air. I’m good at it. Always was. But the stuff I move now is typical supply chain stuff. Nothing illegal. We won’t bother to talk about the fact that my company was started with money from illegal activities. I’ve tried to pay it forward, too. I’ve given a lot to charity. Lisa Ferrano, the widow of Tom Ferrano Sr., has taken a good chunk of donations from me for a charity for victims of human trafficking.
I’m living as Alexander Catelli, what mama called me when we settled in Washington. Even though people might be able to find me, I wanted to keep her name, help it carry on. I still look over my shoulder, but I’m also living life, too.
Holly calls me Alessandro, out of habit, I guess, but to everyone else I’m still Lex.