by Louise Beech
And he said Doncaster.
He couldn’t be a total stranger cos he was right. Plus his car was cool. Smart inside and it smelt all new. I can take care of myself. Make my own decisions. So I decided – I got in. He smiled at me.
We drove off.
And then Bernadette came into my head. I saw her on Saturday. My favourite days are when she takes me out. She’s kind of like Sophie but older. Like an aunt but nicer. Like a mum. Anyway she came into my head cos the last time I saw her she said something real strange to me. Can’t remember what I was going on about but she said bye when we got to my house and then she came back and hugged me and said, You’ve saved me.
We’re not supposed to hug. It’s about all that crap called boundaries. She’s only meant to touch me if it’s essential – that’s what she said: essential. Boundaries is as stupid as supervision. But this time Bernadette hugged me. It was nice. She smelt kind of warm, like a duvet. She’d understand about me doing this. Out of everyone she’d understand most.
So now I’m in a car with a stranger.
Except he isn’t. He knows Mum. And we’re going there. We went past Sophie’s house and Anne’s a while back. We passed where Bernadette took me for a burger last week. We passed Stan Chiswick’s house and I smiled cos he’ll be well jel. He always tells me I’m weird cos I don’t have a mum or dad. He’s a coward. He wouldn’t get in a car like me. I’m not scared.
Anyway this stranger knows me. Said his name’s Paul. He isn’t talking much now but he asked what music I want on and I said the radio. So we’re listening to Tinchy Stryder. I think this is going to be a real adventure.
18
The Book
5th October 2003
COUNSELLING REFERRAL
SUBJECT – Conor Jordan D.O.B. – 10/11/2001
Reason for Referral: The subject, a 23-month-old male, was referred for counselling by his doctor and social worker due to acute sleeplessness and a tendency to act out in a violent manner when in close proximity with others.
Notification of Purpose and Limits of Confidentiality: The subject’s current carer was notified that the social worker referred him for counselling in order to help him sleep, to lessen anxiety and to help him follow directions in a more appropriate manner.
Evaluation Instruments and Sources of Information: These evaluation instruments were used: a standard age-appropriate test, known as play therapy, which is primarily used with children ages 2–11 years old; a test for anxiety; and a test for other basic psychological problems, many of which are often seen in children.
Background Information: The subject is a white male, of almost two years of age. The subject’s birth was normal, no effects from mother’s drug-taking were found, and he was taken into care due to his mother’s on/off addiction to drugs and current behaviours, including depression. Age-appropriate milestones were met, with the exception of a current lack of willingness to play with or respond to others, and an inability to sleep through the night. There is no evidence of sexual or emotional trauma in early childhood, and the subject showed no other developmental issues in early childhood. He suffered second-degree burns on his legs at the age of 20 months. The subject lives with his current carers in a three-bed home within the city limits and has a sibling but doesn’t see him. The subject is isolated when it comes to interaction with other family members as the mother is estranged from the subject and the father is unknown. The referral has been made for this specific reason: the subject pushed a girl in the home where he recently lived and pulled her hair so roughly it came out of her head. The subject then hit a boy with a pan so many times he suffered a broken wrist.
Treatment: The subject will receive six months of play therapy. The subject will be seen by a qualified counsellor in a fully equipped playroom with specially chosen toys that will allow the safe expression of feelings and support the development of healthier behaviours.
Play therapy sessions with the subject will generally last 45–50 minutes. Initially, the carer and the subject will come into the playroom together. When the subject feels comfortable with the carer leaving the playroom, the sessions will be conducted with only the subject and the counsellor in the playroom.
Elena Vella
19
Conor
I love being on the motorway cos you know you’re going somewhere good and not just to town or boring Morrison’s. Motorways mean you’re going on holiday or Alton Towers for the day or to Mum’s house. And that’s where we’re going now. To Mum’s.
But I’m with just me and someone interesting.
Paul is interesting cos he’s not saying much and he’s just staring at me now and again with this look on his face like he’s not happy or sad but kind of okay. I study him secretly. I’m good at that. At school I always know what mood Mrs McCartney’s gonna be in cos I’m so good at seeing. You have to look at more than hair colour or eyes. You have to watch how they breathe and how they walk and talk. Paul is breathing slow. Of course I don’t know how he walks yet but he talks different from me. Like someone on EastEnders. Slow – as if he’s thinking about it.
I don’t reckon he’s a serial killer. I watched this film with Sophie when her mum wasn’t there and the killer hid his face behind a white mask. I don’t reckon that face would be anything like Paul. He’s not trying to hide. And if he knows my mum and where she lives that’s good enough for me.
His car clock says it’s half past four. Anne will be all worried now. I don’t want her to be. So I ask Paul if we can ring her or something and tell her I’m okay and that I’ll back later.
Paul says there is no need to. He already told Anne and she was very happy we’re going to see Mum.
That’s good. I’m big style grinning now. If he knows Anne too that’s even better. So I tell Paul I was going to my mum’s house anyway and he says great minds think alike.
We keep passing big trucks and I wave at the drivers and they mostly wave back. On school trips when they don’t wave back we stick two fingers up at them. Last year school went to Derbyshire for three days and me and Sophie couldn’t share a room cos she’s a girl but we sat on the coach together and waved at everyone. I love it when you stop at service stations on journeys. They’re like outer space towns with all the shops and arcades and burger places. I hope we can stop soon cos I want a wee but I don’t want to ask.
Tell me about why you’re going to your mum’s house, says Paul suddenly. Tell me what she’s like.
If he knows her why is he asking me?
I reckon it’s so he doesn’t have to talk. When Anne’s tired she asks me summat that’ll take ages to tell so she can close her eyes for a bit in the chair. I don’t mind though.
I think Paul will be dead impressed by my plan. I just wish I’d got to tell Sophie first. If we stop at a service station I’m gonna def try and ring her there.
So I tell Paul about my big plan. I’ve been saving up for it for like a year. Anne gives me two quid when I wash the car and I do it every time a bird craps on it. I got money at Easter instead of eggs and some for Christmas. I never spent a penny of it, just put it in my Doctor Who tin. It’s cos I want to take my mum on holiday. Every time we go and see her she gets mad if my little sister Kayleigh plays up and says she wishes she could get away from it all some day. I bet she means somewhere like Bournemouth where we went this year. I loved it there. Mum might too. The beach was real nice and we were on it all day. You can see for miles from the end of the pier.
I’ve saved ninety-six pounds and forty-two pence. I know it’s not enough for a big holiday. When Anne’s friend went to Spain it cost like three hundred. I was listening to them talk the other night when they thought I was in bed. I went on the internet in the school library and there’s this one website called National Holidays and they do short holidays to Bournemouth for like ninety-nine quid.
So I’ve got nearly enough for her. I reckon Mum could borrow the other three quid from someone. I can’t book it cos I don’t h
ave a credit card or owt but Mum can go to the office with my money and do it herself. Someone will have to look after Kayleigh. Maybe Anne will. Yeah, she’s nice like that.
I tell Paul all this. He just listens and listens. Even turns the radio down. Then he tells me it’s a very nice thing to do and asks if my mum is worth it though. I’m annoyed that he’s mean about her but I know other people don’t like her. Stan Chiswick says she must be crap if she doesn’t come to my house and forgets to get me a Christmas prezzy. I punched him in the head for that. Got a detention. Didn’t care. She’s my mum. She had me born. It’s not her fault she’s ill. I might still be able to live there one day my social worker Yvonne said. If I could I would, even though her house isn’t as nice as Anne’s and I do like Anne lots.
I ask Paul how he knows my mum and he just says from way back. I wonder if he knew her at school? Or maybe he’s her brother or something? I haven’t seen my brother in ages either. I tell Paul I bet he’s nice to his mum too and he says yes she was wonderful. He frowns though and bites his lips.
I really want a wee now and ask Paul if I can go. He says there will be services in five minutes but we shouldn’t stay long as we need to get to my mum’s before—
Then he stops. I wonder before what? He doesn’t talk for a bit and I don’t neither. My tummy rumbles and I think about tea at Anne’s. Sausage and mash is my best. At least she’ll keep mine cos Paul has told her we’ll be back later.
We go into a service station and Paul parks and turns and looks at me. He frowns like when you’re thinking what to say exactly. Then he says people get suspicious when children aren’t with their parents so if anyone asks, I’m his son.
I quite like that. I don’t have a dad. Paul says I mustn’t go off or anything. Doesn’t he realise I don’t want to? I want to go to Mum’s. And anyway I wouldn’t know how to get back home from here. He says we can go to the toilet and he’ll buy me a burger if I’m hungry.
Then we go inside.
I try and walk the same as him so we look like a dad and son. His walk is kind of slow even though we get there fast and his trousers swish like my school ones. A lady smiles at me. Someone wins some money in the arcade and I hear all the coins clanking. We both go in the toilets and I feel a bit shy so I go in the cubicle. When we come out, he tells me to wait by the bubblegum machine and he queues up for a burger.
Now’s my chance. There’s a phone right at the door. Paul can’t see me while he queues up. I ring Sophie. I know her number off by heart. Even know the area code you need. I’m good at remembering. I use some of my money but keep dropping it. Then I get it in and dial her number. She usually answers cos her mum is always with her baby sister.
First thing I do is swear Sophie to secrecy and of course she gets all excited then. I tell her I don’t have long to talk but that a man who knows my mum picked me up and we’re going there now. I tell her real quick about the big holiday plan. She’s totally impressed. She has never said bad stuff about my mum like some idiots. I tell her I so wish she was here. She says she was so sick today she threw up chunks of black stuff and I go eeuurghhh.
Paul is at the front of the queue now and I don’t think he’ll like me ringing Sophie so I tell her I have to go and say I’ll try and ring her from Mum’s.
When I put the phone down I feel real sad all of a sudden. Like when you think you’re not going to see someone for ages. I’ve felt like it before. Lots. When I was little and moved around lots before I lived with Anne. I’d get used to being in a house. Get used to the smell of the pillows on my bed and the people there. Then it was, off you go, Conor.
I feel that way now.
Maybe I wouldn’t go and live with Mum if I could. I’d have to change schools and not be near Sophie. I’m more used to Sophie than any bed or sheets.
Paul hands me a bag with a burger and some chips in it and tells me I should eat it in the car so we can get going. I don’t know what the rush is. Maybe he is a bad person and maybe he’s on the run or something. I just know I’m suddenly not sure about going to Mum’s. I don’t know why. Maybe Anne deserves a nice holiday more than her.
Maybe Mum is crap. I feel crap. The burger stinks.
Paul is practically marching me, not like rough or anything but making sure. He opens the door and I get back in his car. When he gets in he watches me again. Now I’m wondering if he’s one of those pervs people talk about. He asks me what my life has been like so far. How do I answer that? I want to swear but he’s an adult. He’d tell Anne. I hate upsetting her. So I just start eating even though my hunger has gone away.
Paul says maybe things in the future will be different and he starts the car up. When we pull out he nearly hits a van that suddenly comes out of nowhere. The driver shouts and waves his hand but Paul ignores him and just says to me that he doesn’t have time for fools.
We go back onto the motorway. I ask how long until we get there and he says only half an hour. When I’ve eaten all my food I close my eyes for a bit. The hum hum of the car gets me all drowsy. I don’t fall asleep totally but go into that kind of sleep where you jerk out of it now and again. I always do it when we go anywhere. I love it cos I dream while I’m awake.
This time I dream that Bernadette has come with us. She can’t drive so she’s in the back seat. When we go anywhere together we go by bus or we walk. She’s never, ever late when she comes for me.
After our burger last week we went for a walk on the foreshore. Cos of all the stupid boundary stuff I’m not allowed to know where she lives. But when we walked near the river she pointed towards some trees and said she lives behind there. It looked real old-fashioned and spooky in those woods. She laughed when I said that. Said maybe it was haunted. I said I wouldn’t be scared of any ghost. I could spend a night in a scary house on my own.
She looked real sad then. Said she wished she could take me to her house but she would never be able to. She said it wasn’t just the boundaries thing but she didn’t say what it was. I wonder if it’s the ghost?
We picked up some stones then and I chucked one in the water. She said she liked all the ripples they made. Said something about the ripples always being a surprise no matter how many times you do it. She told me once that she lost a baby boy. Did she mean she had him and he ran away? Not sure. She’s not meant to tell me about herself. Stupid boundary stuff again. But I guess it just came out. Then she said seeing me made her happy again.
Seeing her makes me totally happy.
I wish she was here now. No matter what he says or who he knows Paul is a stranger and I’m sick of strangers. Soon we will be at Mum’s house. Really she is the biggest stranger of all.
20
The Book
Hull Social Services
Assessment of Need
Name: Conor Jordan D.O.B.: 10/11/2001
Date: 16/10/2003
Child: Conor is a twenty-three-month-old boy who has lived in a succession of homes, who has particular special needs resulting from a burn injury.
Family Composition: Mother has history of depression and drug use, father is unknown. One older sibling, Sam, also in care, another sibling not yet born.
Current Living Circumstances of Child: Until a more permanent residence is found, Conor lives at Redcliffe Children’s Home.
Significant history of child and family: Depression, drug use.
Family concerns about their child: None given.
Summary of Assessment of Need: Having suffered second-degree burns at the age of twenty months, Conor has not settled well with a recent large family, responding violently to others, and having to be removed.
Recommendations: Conor urgently needs more specialist one-on-one care.
Likely implications of Recommendations not being put in place: Conor may continue to display violent tendencies and continue in failing to achieve expected milestones for his age.
Signed: Jim Rogers (Social Worker)
Date: 16/10/2003
31st October 2
003
Hello Conor.
Messy handwriting alert! This is Jim Rogers again.
Very sadly we have had to move you from your new home with Jayne after only a month. (It is our mistake.) Jayne loved having you but you were distressed by her big noisy family. She has five children of her own and is currently fostering two boys along with you.
With your injuries still being painful, you are reluctant to be touched in any way and get distressed when the children play rough. What is just a game probably appears intimidating to you and so you over-respond, being quite violent and using whatever instrument is on hand to hit out. We know this is just self-defence against what feels like an attack on you.
Jayne has been wonderful at taking proper care of your scars after poor Julia couldn’t but it’s hard for her to give you full one-on-one care. It was rash of us to place you with such a large family. Until we find a foster carer who can dedicate more one-on-one care for you you’re staying in a care home. This will hopefully be for a short time. We don’t like putting you with lots of other people again but we want to make sure you are matched with a perfect carer, and this can sometimes take a while.
On a positive note, Jayne told us you particularly like painting and that you’re really good for such a small child. She used to let you go in the conservatory when all the kids were outside and give you big sheets of paper and a variety of colours. One day she came in and you had painted a person. It was very good she said. You said it was Mum. (It’s a word you like saying.) And the funny thing is it looks like her. It’s amazing because you haven’t seen her since you were born. It makes me wonder if we store memories like photographs. I’ve stuck it on the next page.