Don’t even…
My forehead and nose fuzzed at the suggestion of another euphoric rush, another “vacation” from the black ocean I was drowning in, but I wasn’t going to admit that.
“Go to hell, Jason!” I spat.
His expression hardened. “Don’t delude yourself, Cate. Adults get the pills they need to help them through the bad days. Do you think your mom got through these last few months without a little help from the pharmaceutical industry?”
I glared at him.
“So you think you’ve suffered?” he went on. “I know you have, Cate. I’ve watched you fall apart. But just imagine how your mother felt. Up all night? Keeping her mother alive? Watching her die?”
I looked away, my soul shrinking from the possibility of truth in his words.
“Yes, Cate. Multiply your pain by a factor of ten and then maybe you’ll understand. Check the box on the top shelf of your hall closet if you don’t believe me. It was full of prescriptions when I got the bandages.” But I wasn’t listening to him anymore. Almost in slow motion, my eyes focused on his forearm. His loose shirt sleeve had slid down to his elbow, unmasking a line of tiny red dots and bruises.
Blood draws?
Injections.
Shit. He was shooting up heroin.
He shrugged. “Research,” he said.
“Jason…I can get you help…”
“I’ve got it handled,” he said tightly.
The bell signaling the end of the day blasted through the halls of the school, and we both flinched, but he maintained my cage, locking his gaze on my eyes, studying my reaction to his words, evaluating his options.
“Cate!” A concerned voice from down the hall broke into our stare-down, and then Leo appeared over Jason’s shoulder, out of breath.
Jason snapped his hands back from the locker and shoved them into his pockets. “Watch her, DiMaro. She’s depressed,” he said quietly, nodding slowly in my direction. Then he turned and disappeared into the mass of kids jamming the hall.
Leo glanced after him and then back at me. “So you and the dick are like, what, on again? Fighting already?” He rolled his eyes disgustedly at me. I stared after Jason, not wanting to believe what had just happened. The air was suddenly too thick, saturated as it was with the humid breath and sweat of a thousand students. I tried to remember when I’d used my inhaler last. It hadn’t been that long ago. Could I use it again?
“Cate? Is what he said true?” Leo asked.
I had to work hard to shift my focus back to him. “What?”
“Are you like…depressed?”
“I don’t know, Leo. I don’t know anything anymore,” I murmured. And then I pushed out into the river of students and headed for the front doors where my dad was picking me up, leaving my backpack and coat in a heap on the floor. Leo grabbed up my stuff and followed me, but he didn’t say anything until my dad pulled up to the curb.
“Um…call Meri when you get home. She’s worried about you,” Leo said, reaching in to set my stuff on my lap and then pushing the door closed. I glanced up at him and nodded, but I’d already forgotten what he’d said. I just wanted to go home and go to bed.
I wanted to sleep for days.
I was awake before I could move, curled up on my side with my arms tucked in close under the blanket. I could feel the mattress and the soft quilt, but I couldn’t open my eyes yet. I was caught in the world between.
“Catherine…” The barely-audible hiss came from somewhere near the floor in front of me, between my bed and Cici’s. My eyes opened. Just slits.
The shape rose like a black moon over the horizon, just inches from my face, painfully slow, blacker than the ambient darkness in the room…until its eyes crested the edge of the bed.
Flames danced where its eyes should have been.
My eyes split open wide, and I explosively pumped my hands forward, sending my body flying backward off the other side of the bed. The back of my head smacked hard against the edge of my open closet door as I hit the floor.
It’s not real…it’s not real…it’s not real…
Baby, shhh…I’ve got you…
Oh yeah. I’d gone way off the deep end, but I nodded fearfully to the self-assured voice in my head. Of course, it wasn’t real either.
The bed springs creaked, and I shrunk back against the floor as ten tumbling, smoke-like fingers curled themselves over the edge of the mattress above me. The bed springs creaked again, and the blanket hanging over the side of the bed shivered. Then the creature’s face appeared, black-hole black, smeared like a drop of dark, flaming oil on water.
It morphed.
Human facial features peeled themselves out of the hole that had been its head. A perfectly-symmetric nose and pair of angular cheekbones, pointed chin, huge deep-set crystalline black eyes, all framed by wild white-blonde hair that shone as bright as a morning star. His pouty lips pulled back in a wickedly playful grin.
He was the most beautiful, heart-stopping creature I had ever seen. And I was drawn to him. I stretched out my hand.
Hot! Don’t touch!
I snatched it back.
“There you are, Catherine. I’ve been waiting for you.” The creature’s familiar velvet voice dulled my senses, coated my fear. He rested his chin on his delicate, now human-like hands and gazed down over the side of the bed. His eyes reached deep into my soul, and I squeezed my eyes shut to protect it, but the creature’s words forced their way in anyway. “Jason was right, you know. Your mother went to pieces while you hid with your lover in the woods. Revenge is like euphoria, isn’t it? It almost hurts when it feels this good. Almost…”
His whisper faded, and when I opened my eyes, I was back in my bed, curled up on my side, fighting off the grogginess of deep sleep. I bolted upright, deeply disturbed by the nightmare creature’s words.
My mom hadn’t needed me. She’d done what she wanted to do.
Right?
My palms began to sweat, and I tried to take a deep calming breath, but my effort was cut short by a rasping wheeze and a thick, post-flu cough. I grabbed my inhaler off my nightstand, shoved it in the front pocket of my jeans and then moved quickly through the early evening darkness to the hall.
Warm light filtered up the stairs, along with a few quiet voices. Most of our grieving company had gone home. I stood at the top of the steps, undecided.
My mother was fine. She was fine.
But what if she wasn’t? What if she never had been?
Check her medicine box.
Go talk to her!
But I couldn’t face her, not after all my lies and accusations and recklessness. I knew my mom kept her medications on the top shelf of the upstairs hall closet in a shoebox. There wasn’t enough room for them in the tiny bathroom we all shared.
I opened the closet door and nudged the box off the shelf with my fingertips, carried it across the hall into the bathroom and set it down on the counter. The only light in the room came from the tiny nightlight plugged into the wall. But it was enough.
The box was filled to the top with brown prescription bottles. I wanted to throw up. Jason was right.
I pawed through the box, reading the labels. There were pain medications and antidepressants and muscle relaxers, and there were medications for insomnia and anxiety. Was she taking them all?
I didn’t have any idea! How could a daughter not know that her own mother was depressed and suffering? The answer was brutal. I had coldly abandoned her when she’d needed me most, just as she had abandoned Michael. I’d been a willing pawn in some kind of warped cosmic payback scheme.
“You used me!” I sent my soundless cry skyward, up to whoever was in charge of this mess.
You made your choice. You chose revenge.
I could almost see the flaming eyes watching, so satisfied, while my monstrous guilt sank its fangs in deep. The pain was unbearable.
You can’t go back, you know. Not ever.
I couldn’t breathe. I nee
ded air. Within seconds, I’d grabbed my cell phone off my dresser and was at the foot of the stairs, shoving my bare feet into my snow boots.
While the demon curled around the girl, whispering, always whispering, the bright Angel followed her down the stairs, lighting the way, brighter than the Guardian had ever seen before. But he remained frozen on the upstairs landing, his heart shuddering for the first time with real fear as he listened to the demon’s thoughts spill into the girl’s head.
The dark Angel beside him grabbed his shoulder roughly. His eyes, too, were filled with something akin to fear. “Remember when I said she was going to need you? That she wouldn’t make it without you?” he asked.
The Guardian nodded, his jaw going tight, his compact power signature flexing hard.
“This is it,” said the dark Angel grimly. And then they were both rocketing down the stairs after her.
I was moving toward the door before my heels had settled into the bottoms of my boots.
You did more than abandon her while her own mother was dying. You crushed her with her guilt over Michael.
I didn’t mean to…
Mother’s guilt is a wonderful thing.
I never said that!
Yes. You did.
Shut up! Shut up!
I snatched the Demon keys from their hook on the wall. My dad’s voice broke into my turbulent thoughts, “Cate, why don’t you join us for some…”
I answered him by smashing the front door open. The storm door springs shrieked in protest as they stretched way past their limit.
How could I be so stupid? God, I was so fucking stupid!
My dad’s Demon waited for me in the driveway, and I fumbled with the keys, praying the car door was unlocked. I couldn’t possibly negotiate its sweet spot in the state I was in. I was lucky. The button was up.
The butt-numbing cold of the stiff vinyl seat bled right through my sweatshirt and jeans, and I wished I’d grabbed one of the coats in the hall, but I couldn’t go back for it now. My dad was coming down the driveway, and I desperately needed out. I started the engine and shot back over the curb into the street.
Out on the highway just minutes later, my temper had no one left to attack but me, and I shifted in a blind rage up through the gears.
50 miles per hour. 60. 70.
I’d failed them all. Michael, my grandmother, my mom…
Don’t forget about Jason…
And Jason! Why didn’t I see what was happening to him?
85 miles per hour.
Selfish. Reckless. Dishonest. Cold. Heartless. Weak.
Worthless…
I flipped on the radio and dialed the volume up to drown out the judgments that pounded like sledgehammer blows in my ears.
The music only amplified them.
I see you jumpin' down the rail
So narrow in your vision,
So desperate to fail…
(It’s all your decision)
The words cut deep, releasing a flood of self-hate. I bit my lip, but it trembled anyway. Then I turned the volume up louder, letting the music do its work, seeking out my blackest emotions, drowning in them willingly. But drowning was too good for me.
100 miles per hour.
You chose to check out long ago
Now you must walk alone
Another soul surrounded
So very far from home…
(In a clouded veil)
An image of the Demon tearing through the guardrail at the next overpass and crashing into the concrete below flashed through my head. A silver car crumpled and twisted beyond recognition. A hell-worthy funeral pyre. Yeah. That was more like it.
The overpass was just five miles ahead. I gripped the wheel tighter. I pressed the accelerator harder.
110 miles per hour.
You were caught up in your lies
You're designed to fail
At the mercy of yourself
So you just jump the rail
(So little time now)
A failure. I was one big fucking, failure. I could visualize the steering wheel impaling my chest, my blood pulsing from my throat, just like Michael’s. It could be over so fast.
Three miles to the overpass.
Stand on the edge and look below
Now steel yourself to fly
No strings attached and no one
To note your time to die
(You're almost home)
“You were always there for me!” I cried out to my Angel, my music lover. “And now you give me this? Have I lost you, too? Or were you never really there at all?” My eyes brimmed with tears. I could barely see.
“I’m just some stupid…delusional…worthless…”
I buried the needle at 120, but the car kept accelerating.
One mile to the overpass.
And so the final chapter
Within this life of sorrow
Lift your head and—
The music cut out sharply. The thoughts in my head silenced. I was alone.
Fine! FINE! FINE! If that’s the way I had to die…
Radio static filled the car.
Static…
Static…
And then…
It’s gonna be okay
Trust me, turn the page
My focus shifted like a massive tectonic plate sliding home. New images exploded through my mind like fireworks…my friends at my birthday campfire…my sister Cici and I sharing secrets in our room…Claire patting me awkwardly the day Michael died.
Baby, take my hand, and we’ll believe
It’s gonna set you free instead
My dad teaching me to drive…my mom trying to hug me…Michael’s long-lashed gray eyes lifting to plead with me.
Please don’t, they said, I need you.
“Okay, Michael, I love you. I miss you,” I whispered, and the phantom voice in my head resumed.
That’s nice. You can stop the car, now.
Stop the car.
STOP THE FREAKING CAR!
Oh shit! The instant I lifted my foot off the gas pedal, my whole body slammed forward against the seat belt. My tires hit the edge of the bridge and slid on a patch of ice. The back of the Demon fishtailed left. I braked hard and turned into the skid, but overcompensated, and the car went into a full three-sixty in the center of the bridge. I fought the wheel, clamped down hard on the clutch and pumped the brakes, but I was powerless to stop it.
Once around…twice around…
The Demon finally stalled to a stop on the opposite shoulder, just inches from the guardrail, facing back the way I’d come, facing home.
I pulled in a sharp, shuddering breath, and then let it out through my mouth, my whole body trembling. Then I broke down with my forehead on the hard, frozen steering wheel.
“I’m so… sorry…so…s-s-sorry…” I sobbed. I sobbed for all the pain I’d caused the people I loved. My whole body shook with the force of my grief. And then I sobbed with soul drenching gratitude, because I knew I wasn’t alone anymore. My Angel had found me.
The beach is empty now
You washed your castle away
With all the mistakes that you made
So you bow your head to cry…
But it’s gonna be okay
Hey, hey, hey…
Turn the page
Take my hand, and we’ll believe
It’s gonna set you free instead
Oh, please turn the page, baby
I swear I’ll be there
Trust me
Trust me
You just gotta trust me
It’s gonna set you free instead
Snowflakes tumbled through the glow of the street light and covered the windshield with a translucent blanket of white. The interior of the car grew darker. Cocoon-like. And I think I would have stayed like that all night, resting my head on the wheel and thanking God I was alive, but my eyes were drawn up by muted red and blue flashing lights rushing past me on the bridge. The police car was follow
ed a short while later by a tow truck sporting a rack of flickering amber lights.
Oh…crap! I wiped both my cold hands across my face and then pulled the rearview mirror down to check out the damage. My eyes were swollen and ringed by purple shadows. My hair swirled around my head in waves of cascading disarray. My sore skin told me my fever was back.
“What the hell were you thinking?” I murmured, wondering how I could have even thought about offing myself. I’d already caused my family so much misery.
I reached out and touched the radio.
“I should have known you would never abandon me, no matter what I’ve done.” Then, exhausted, I closed my eyes and leaned back to rest my head against the seat, but when my head hit the seatback, I was jolted by an unexpected pain radiating from the back of my skull. I sat back up and reached my hand around to probe the area with my fingertips, wincing as I did so. There was a lump the size of a golf ball on the back of my head, right where I’d smacked it on the closet door as I fled from the nightmare creature in my dream.
But if the bruise wasn’t a dream, then…
The metallic taste of fear poured like sour wine onto my tongue. I suddenly knew that my Angel wasn’t the only one trying to get through to me on the radio tonight.
And I knew my dad was wrong.
Demons were real.
And then I rapidly crossed myself.
“Archangel Michael, protect me.”
TWENTY-FIVE
THE UBERMENSCH
MY EYES FLICKED warily up to the rear view mirror. I truly expected to see glittering black eyes staring back at me from the back seat, but there was nothing. It was empty.
The Guardian's Playlist Page 36