My heart is racing in my chest because as much as I want to deny her words, I simply cannot. All the things Angela is saying to me I have thought.
“I am afraid of losing her professionally. I am not good at love or relationships and I have no doubt I would find a way to hurt her and fuck it all up. I can’t let that happen.”
“Don’t rush it. Let your relationship with her mature. Just be open to the fact that you may not have a choice. Our friend Shakespeare reminds us that the heart is not often acquainted with the logic of the mind. You may fall in love with her whether you want to or not. If you do, I hope you will tell her and give her the opportunity to love you back. Based on the way she looks at you, I think she would want to.”
“I don’t see all these magical looks you keep talking about,” I say, laughing.
“That’s because it’s not always easy to see what’s right in front of you. I, for one, would be delighted to see what an in-love Luca is like.”
“You and me both.”
Angela laughs and stands. “Are you going home soon?”
“I am.”
“Good. Where did Londyn go?”
“Home. I told her she could leave early.”
“I’m glad you found her. She’s a dear girl. Ella says she is very funny and nice to be around.”
“I would agree with that assessment.”
“Think about what I said, Luca.”
“I will.” Lately, I think about nothing else.
Angela leaves and I’m left sitting at my desk wondering what I am going to do now. I stand and pace my office for a few moments. I just need to figure out how to keep a clear head. I don’t want to make a mistake with Londyn. When the time is right, maybe I can tell her what she does to me.
Gathering my things, I shut down my computer for the day and get ready to leave. I hear another knock at the door.
“Come in.”
“Hey, bro.”
I look up to see Nico. “Hello.”
“I know it’s short notice, but do you have time to talk tonight?”
“About?”
“Candace.”
“Candace? Why do you want to talk about her? You broke up, what is it now, two years ago?”
“More than that. She moved back to Boston and she wanted to see me, so we had dinner.”
“Okay?”
“She wants to get back together, but there’s something.”
“Something? Okay, I can tell from your expression that we need to get a beer. Let’s go.”
“Thanks.”
“Don’t you have any guy friends or do you just spend all of your time romancing women?”
“I have friends,” Nico says, hitting my arm in a brotherly manner. “I just don’t open up to them, you know?”
“Yes, I know. That’s hard to do sometimes.”
“You would know.”
I stop walking. “If you are going to dig at me all night then I can gladly just go home.”
“Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“I’m fully aware of my flaws without you pointing them out.”
Nico slides his hands in his pockets and shuffles down the sidewalk. These are the moments we are trying to get back. The times when brothers can rely on each other. These are the situations when a big brother should be able to offer advice, but what the hell do I know about love? Still, part of me is thankful he still looks up to me enough to ask. That the man even wants me in his life is astounding to me.
We walk down the street and into a nearby pub. Ordering two beers, Nico stares out the window, a frown etched deeply on his face.
“What is bothering you about Candace?”
“She has a kid now.”
“Oh? A boy or a girl?”
“A boy.”
“Okay. So this is upsetting to you?”
He turns and gives me a hard look. “Do you think I am ready to help raise a child?”
“Okay, wait a minute. Are you just going back into it right away?”
“I don’t know. I saw her last night and she’s awesome. Even better than before. She’s grown so much as a person, but have I? Am I the same immature boy she left?”
“Hard to say. What did she think?”
“She told me she still loved me and wanted to try again, but she needed me to be a grown up. I have to stop partying so hard and be the kind of man who comes home at night. I definitely have to stop sleeping with other women.”
“A requirement most women have.”
“Yeah.”
“Can you do those things?”
“I want to.”
“Can you?”
“I don’t know. I’m scared.”
“Of what?”
“Of failing again. Of breaking her heart. Again. Now there’s a kid involved, too.”
“Do you love her?”
“Absolutely. I knew it the moment I saw her again.”
“Is she worth it to try? Is she worth giving up your playboy lifestyle?”
Nico doesn’t hesitate. “Yes.”
“Then don’t you already have your answer?”
“Yeah. Like I said, I’m just scared. I don’t know what to do in a relationship. I really don’t know what to do with a kid.”
“Let her teach you. She came back for a reason.”
“She did.”
“How did the child come about? Was she married?”
“No. Just a relationship that didn’t work out, she said.” Nico stares out the window. “He’s pretty cute.”
“Did you meet him?”
“No. Just a picture. We’re gonna take it slow meeting him. She’s staying at her sister’s so they watch him when she’s out.”
“Good idea.” I take a swig of my beer. “Was it helpful talking it out?”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
“Sure.”
“What about you? Any love interests?”
My mind immediately thinks of Londyn and then I remember how he asked her out and the subsequent fight that ensued.
“No.”
“I don’t believe you. You had to think about your answer for too long.”
“Well, you can believe what you want.”
“Come on, Luca. I told you my girl story. Tell me yours.”
Sighing, I take another drink of my beer. “There might be someone I’m interested in.”
“No shit. Who?”
“Just a girl. A woman, actually.”
“Is she special?”
“I think so.”
“What’s holding you back?”
“Same shit.”
“Sara?”
I bristle just from hearing her name. “Yes.”
“I know it’s easy for me to say, but you’ve got to try and move on. Sara died nine-”
“Ten,” I interject.
“Ten years ago. She would hate to see you lonely and you know it.”
“I do know it and I’m thinking about it. That’s more than I’ve considered in long time.”
“It’s a start.”
“Yes.” Looking down at my watch, I decide it’s time to leave. I don’t want to talk about this subject anymore, particularly with Nico. “I need to get going. I have some work to do tonight before I go to bed.”
“Sure. Thanks for hanging out for a while. I needed someone to talk to and you are the person I wanted.”
“I don’t know why. I’m hardly suitable to give relationship advice.”
“You did and you helped. You should give yourself more credit. Despite your attempts to make me hate you, I don’t. I look up to you.”
“I almost ruined your life.”
“No, you didn’t. God, Luca! Let it go. I have. Why can’t you?”
“I don’t know,” I mumble.
“Try. I’m over it. Mom and Dad are over it. Sara’s family is over it. Even Clara. We all miss her and we all love Sara. We always will. Moving on doesn’t mean you didn’t love her. Forgiving yourself doesn’t mean you ar
en’t sorry it happened. Keeping me at arm’s distance doesn’t make the hurt go away. My decision to be in your life doesn’t make me a saint. I did what I did that night because I wanted to. I don’t regret it. Not for one minute. If it had to happen at all, the only thing I would change is how you shut me out afterward. It broke my heart, Luca.”
“I’m sorry. It’s just that every time I look at you, I see her.”
“Then look at me, Luca.” He slaps his chest. “Me. Nico. I’m still here.”
“I know. I want to, trust me.”
“You have no idea how badly I want my brother back.”
“I want it, too. I’m trying. I really am. I want to love a woman again and I want the relationship you and I used to have. I want to drive to Mom and Dad’s house without feeling sick to my stomach. I want to move on.” I’m taken aback by the sudden emotion creeping through my body. I’m not a demonstrative man, but this topic is the one thing that can bring me to tears. I’ve cried so much over losing her I didn’t think I had any tears left. Apparently I do. They are threatening to fall as I speak.
“Break down the wall you built around yourself. Let the people who love you in. This woman you might be interested in, tell her. Let her see you for the man you really are. Honor Sara by living your life.”
I stare at my empty beer glass. My brother is right. I know he is. I’ve already wasted so much of my existence, but it’s not that easy to just act like it’s okay. It’s not okay. She died because of me. How does one just move on?
“I really need to go,” I say.
“I know. Thanks again for hanging out.”
“You’re welcome. Thank you for asking me.” Just before I leave, I turn back. “Tell me what happens with Candace.”
“I will.”
We part ways and as I walk home, my mind is filled with so many thoughts. My parents, my brother, my loss, but every thought leads me to the same place. Londyn.
I wonder what she thinks about me. Is it even possible there could be something between us? I don’t know if I’ve felt this drawn to someone since I lost the love of my life. Certainly, I’ve dated, but nothing ever sticks. There hasn’t been anyone who ever grabbed a hold of my attention and wouldn’t let it go. Except Londyn.
I walk inside my house and the emptiness of it hits me like I smacked into a brick wall. Peeling off my work clothes, I change into something comfortable and head into my study to work. The silence is deafening. Nico is right. Hell, everyone is right. I need to let people back into my life. For the first time in a long time, I want to. I’ve always thought I deserved the loneliness and despair that I feel on a daily basis. I deserve it for causing her death.
I open the bottom drawer of my desk and pull out the small wood box I keep there. In it are the letters she wrote me and the pictures of our time together. Taking a deep breath, I open it and look through the items just as I have done a million times since it happened. I run my finger over her handwriting, somehow hoping it will keep a little piece of her in me. The picture of us at prom always makes me smile. We looked so young and she was so beautiful, even then. I remember how proud she was that she got her hair cut that day and how she thought she looked so adult, even though we were only seventeen.
I pick up another picture. It’s my favorite. She sits on a rock at her mother’s house in Rockport overlooking the ocean. A wave splashes up behind her and the breeze blows her blond hair away from her face. When I saw it the first time, I said she looked like an angel. Little did I know, a year after it was taken, she would be.
My heart begins to hurt like it always does when I see her face. When I close my eyes, she is still there, whispering to me in that sweet voice of hers that she loves me. I wish she would tell me it was okay. I wish she could tell me to move on. I wish she could tell me I am worthy of someone’s love. Tears begin streaming down my cheeks and one lands on the picture I hold in my hand. God, I loved her so much and I’ve never stopped. How do I give that to someone else? Will I ever love someone as much as I loved her?
I don’t know why or how, but suddenly I am dialing Londyn’s phone number. When she answers, I am at loss for words. I don’t know why I called her, but in that moment, she is the one person whose voice I wanted to hear.
“Hello?” she says.
“Londyn, hi. It’s Luca.”
“Oh, hi! Are you okay? You don’t sound right.”
I move the phone away to wipe the tears from my face. “I am okay. I just…” Fuck. I just what? I need a reason for calling.
“Luca?”
“Yes. I’m sorry to bother you. I dialed the wrong number,” I say, and attempt a laugh.
“Okay,” she says, clearly not believing me. “You’re not bothering me at all. I was just about to have supper with Madeleine.”
“Well, I won’t keep you.”
“Are you sure there isn’t something you need?”
I need you. The words pop into my mind and I almost drop my phone. Is it good I am thinking things like this about her?
“No, no. I really am fine. Enjoy your supper and I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Okay.”
“Goodnight, Londyn.”
“Luca? If you ever need anything at all, even just to talk, I am here for you.”
Her words cause another ocean of tears to well up in my eyes. I wish I could just tell her, ‘yes, please, I need you. I want to talk to you. I want to see your big, beautiful eyes looking at me the way you do. I want to hold you in my arms and inhale the fruity scent of that shampoo you use. I want to tell you how you make me feel inside and how, somehow, you are helping me feel like maybe I can move on.’ Instead, I tell her nothing.
“I appreciate that very much, Londyn. You have no idea.”
“Okay. Goodnight, Luca.”
“Goodnight.”
I hang up the phone and sit in my chair, stunned by the emotions I felt while speaking to her. Someday I’m going to tell her how I feel. I pray when I do, she shares my feelings.
WELL, THAT WAS ODD. I don’t believe for one moment that Luca’s call to me was accidental. He was acting strange this afternoon and even sent me home early. Something is definitely on his mind.
“Who was that?” Maddie asks.
“Luca.”
“For what?”
“Nothing. He didn’t mean to dial me.”
“Oh. Well, we have some catching up to do. It feels like it’s been ages since we’ve chatted in depth.”
“Only because you’re gone every day when I get home.”
“Well, I can’t help it that I have such a busy social calendar.”
“Ah, is that what we call your hook ups these days?” I tease.
“You should try it. All work and no play, Londyn.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know.” I sit down at the dining table. “What did you order?”
“Chinese.”
“Mmm, perfect.” I open a container and take a sniff of the contents inside. “Smells divine.”
“It’s a new place. I hope it’s good.”
“Me, too.” I scoop out some spicy chicken and vegetables and put some rice on my plate. I wait for Maddie then we head to the sofa to eat.
“So,” Maddie says as she plops down on the sofa. “What’s new?”
“Honestly? I think something is happening to me.”
“What does that mean?”
“I like Luca.”
“Like him, as a great mate or like him, like him?”
“Like him, like him.”
“How did this happen? Last I heard he was being a total wanker.”
“I know, but we’ve come a long way. We talk and get along so well. I’m really comfortable with him and I think he is around me, too. Today he asked me if I was ever afraid to fall in love.”
“Whoa. Seriously?” she asks whilst shoving noodles in her mouth.
“Yes. Also, he held my hand and he squeezed it, too. He told me I was beautiful.” I take a bite of my supper. “A
t his house the other night, we had a moment. One of those magical, staring into the eyes moments. You know what I mean?”
“Christ, Londyn! When were you going to tell me all of this?”
“When we had a chance. I’m telling you now.”
“He told you that you were beautiful?”
“Yeah.”
“He likes you, too. He must.”
“I don’t think so. I mean, I think he likes working with me, but I don’t think it’s romantic.”
“It must be. Normal men don’t just randomly ask questions like that and touch like that.”
“Well, he’s not a normal man. He’s very different.”
“Different or not. Men don’t do stuff like that unless they like a girl.”
“Perhaps.” I chew on my egg roll, wondering if Maddie could be right.
“What would you do if he did like you? Would you kiss him? Would you shag?”
“Maddie!”
“What? It’s a simple question.”
My cheeks are blushing, but Maddie is someone I know I can be truthful with. “I would definitely shag him. Are you kidding? He’s magnificent.”
“Agreed. Remember when you didn’t think so?”
“I was too overwhelmed initially. And he can be a bit of an arse at work, but now that we’ve been working together I’ve seen a different side of him.”
“Bet you want to see the naked side!”
Laughing, I reply, “Well, yes, I’ve thought about that.”
“I bet it’s lovely,” she says, wiggling her eyebrows at me.
“Well, he looks bloody amazing in clothes, so he’s bound to be delectable without them.”
“Okay,” she says, crossing her legs Indian style. “What would you do first?”
“What do you mean?”
“Let’s say, you’re all alone in the office one night. Just you and him. He looks up at you and says, ‘Londyn, I’m madly in love with you,’” she says in such a dramatic voice I can’t help but laugh. “What would you do?”
“I don’t know. I suppose I would wait for him to make the first move.”
Londyn Falls Page 18