by June Gray
Desperate? Stupid? Naïve? All of the above?
The first time I tried pot was at a party at the beginning of sophomore year. I think if I’d been able to get my hands on it, I probably would have done it more. As it was, I wasn’t inventive enough to find it and not cool enough to have the right connections to the people who could.
My first fight was with a boy in the playground in second grade. He threw sand in my face so I punched him in the balls. That earned me a trip to the principal’s office. Louise was the one to pick me up from the office.
The first time I stole was at this kid’s house when he invited me over for dinner. That was my MO back then: I’d befriend someone and go to their house for dinner because the only thing waiting for me at home was another frozen burrito or ramen noodles. So I’d go to my classmates’ houses for dinner. One time I was at Tommy Schilling’s house and I saw this really cool lighter inside a hutch in their formal dining room. It was this cool brass lighter shaped like an atomic bomb and I just reached into the cabinet and took it.
I was never invited there again. Tommy accused me at school the next week, but they couldn’t prove anything, and being that my mom was a lawyer, they didn’t really want to pursue it.
I gave the lighter back eventually. It took until the end of sophomore year but I finally gave it back to Tommy and told him that I was sorry.
I knew I was heading down the wrong path but it was like an icy slalom; I could see exactly where I was headed but I couldn’t stop. Until the first time I met the Shermans.
Jason first came to school about two months into the school year. I remember him vividly because he was tall even then, with floppy blond hair and an easygoing smile. He walked around the halls with confidence, like he’d been going there since freshman year. Word quickly got around that he was the new kid and by the end of the day, he already had half the female students swooning. One day at school and already he was destined to be the golden boy. For someone who had been trying since junior high to get attention and failing miserably, that was a big boot to the nuts.
I hadn’t had my growth spurt yet so I was only about five-six at the time and not much to look at. Jason didn’t know about my history, so I thought maybe he was someone I could befriend and he could elevate my standing at school. At the very least, I’d get a warm dinner or two out of his family. So I did my thing and insinuated myself into their dinner plans. Turned out we lived only a few houses apart, so that was a bonus.
Jason seemed like such a nice kid. He didn’t even look suspicious when I asked if I could see his house and he automatically just invited me to stay for dinner.
That was the first day I met Elsie.
Who is Elsie? The simplest I could put it is that she’s Jason’s little sister. The most complicated is that she’s the love of my life. I’m going to try to be objective when talking about her, try not to let my feelings for her now color how I remembered her in the past.
Elsie was a cute girl. She was this little thing with light brown curly hair and big hazel eyes. When I walked into the Sherman house, she came running down the stairs with an eager smile, but when she saw me, her expression changed like she’d smelled something bad. I couldn’t really blame her. I had braces so I never smiled, and a head of crazy wavy hair that I rarely ever brushed. Turned out that was the thing we’d bond over: our hair.
“Your hair is out of control,” I said just to piss her off.
“Yours is worse,” she said with attitude. I wanted to tease her more, to see how mad I could really make her, but her mom came out to greet me so I bit my tongue.
“Jason, who’s your friend?” she asked, looking me over. But she didn’t look at me with distaste like other parents because she hadn’t heard anything about me. She just looked at me with curiosity and maybe some amusement.
“Henry Logan,” Jason said, clapping me on the back. “Nicest guy in school.”
I didn’t really agree with that appraisal, but who the hell cared? I could pretend to be the nicest guy in school if it got me free food and some company.
Dinner at their house was like a revelation. Until then, I’d never realized how nice it could really feel to sit at the table with Mom and Dad and talk about your day. The Shermans asked their kids about their day and really listened, but then they asked me about myself and also seemed really interested. It was really sweet and intrusive and made me a little panicked. I think I might have said three words before stuffing my face with mashed potatoes.
I was invited over for dinner twice more that week and I returned, soaking up their normalcy. They were what I’d always wanted in a family but never got.
I don’t know if it’s healthy to both resent and envy the Shermans, but I will tell you one thing: I never stole a thing from their home. It never even occurred to me.
2
Jason and I became really good friends. At first he hung out with me because I was the only person he knew, and I hung out with him because he was the only one who still would. Eventually though, a real friendship happened.
He was hilarious. He was always telling the nastiest jokes when there were no adults around. He had the largest repertoire of sexual jokes I’d ever heard, and the guy was smart without even trying. The best thing about Jason though was that he was loyal and a true friend. I couldn’t tell you how many times other students came up to him and told him stories about my past. Jason just shrugged them off and told them that I was his friend regardless, that I didn’t steal from him or beat him up so why should he care?
He was so sure of himself, a trait that he definitely got from his dad, who retired as a lieutenant colonel in the Air Force. Jason was one of the best-looking kids in school and his confidence and that laid-back smile really drove the ladies crazy. He always had to let them down easy. Ugh, it made me sick.
I was the invisible sidekick for the longest time but then I shot up in height and the braces were taken off and all of a sudden girls were looking at me too. Not in the hey, aren’t you the guy who steals things? kind of way either. I wasn’t used to that kind of positive attention, so I took the cue from Jason and played it cool.
Something changed when Elsie turned thirteen. I don’t know if it’s because she was officially a teen, but all of a sudden I saw her in a different light. I didn’t know what to do around her. I’d either clam up or just start saying mean stuff to get a reaction out of her but she was a firecracker and would always dish it back.
I remember one time we were hanging out in their family room downstairs. Jason and I were talking about sex when Elsie came sauntering in, sucking innocently on a lollipop.
I’m sorry if this sounds really crass but for a fifteen-year-old boy, a girl sucking on a lollipop is like visual Viagra. Thank God for throw pillows and the oversized sweatshirt I was wearing.
“What are you talking about?” she asked casually, plopping down on the couch near me.
“About positions,” Jason said with a straight face.
“Like football positions?” she asked, all wide-eyed wonder.
Jason shot me a grin. “Something like that.”
I played along. “Yeah, like, there’s this position called the donkey punch. That guy’s responsible for coming up from behind and punching the opposing player in the back of the head.”
Elsie frowned. “That doesn’t sound right. There’s no punching in football.”
I continued as if I didn’t hear her. “And there’s this one play called the doggy style, where one player comes up from behind again and just rams into the other guy.”
“That sounds like the donkey punch,” Elsie pointed out, looking at me with skepticism.
“No, you don’t punch anyone in doggy style,” I said, my face nearly exploding from the effort of trying not to laugh.
Jason doubled over, clutching his stomach as he laughed. I let go and laughed along with him.
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Elsie stood up and huffed, realizing we were yanking her chain. “You guys are dickheads,” she said and stomped off.
“You’re not supposed to say that word!” Jason called after her.
She turned around, her hands on her hips. “Yeah? Well you’re not supposed to be talking about sex either!”
Jason and I fell back onto the floor in hysterics.
* * *
I spent more and more time at Jason’s house. I’d come home from school and find my house empty, and it was just so easy to just walk down the street and knock on the Shermans’ door. Jason and I would go to the family room and play Nintendo and eat snacks. I swear I owe that family thousands of dollars for the food I ate at their house. His dad kept grumbling that Jason and I were eating them out of their home but I never felt unwelcome. The colonel always made sure I knew he was kidding.
Things at my home were more of the same. Mom stayed at the office until nearly ten, and my dad, well, I had no idea where he was spending his time. All I knew was that he’d come home around nine smelling like alcohol and cigarettes and then lock himself in his man room. I was convinced that my parents were having separate affairs but I never could find proof.
And the sad thing? I didn’t even care to find out.
I was so tired of it, of the constant loneliness, so I went over to the Shermans’ house and knocked on Jason’s window but he didn’t answer. The guy’s a pretty heavy sleeper. Elsie’s window was right beside his so I tried hers, thinking maybe I could go through her room to Jason’s and crash on his floor.
Elsie’s face appeared in the window, her face sleep-creased, her curly hair tied up into a messy bun. She looked so adorable. She let me in, looking a little bewildered, and asked me if something was wrong.
“Why would anything be wrong?” I asked, instantly on edge.
“Because you’re knocking on my window in the middle of the night.”
I looked at my watch. “It’s only ten thirty, smart-ass.”
“But you’re in my room at ten o’clock on a school night,” she said. “Something is definitely wrong.”
I sat on the edge of her bed and sighed, feeling deflated. Jason and I never really talked about our feelings, but Elsie was a girl and girls are pros at that kind of thing. “My parents are still not home,” I said.
“That really sucks.” She sat down on her bed and leaned against the headboard. I kicked off my shoes and climbed in, settling myself against the footboard. We faced each other in the semidarkness, our faces lit only by the night-light in the corner.
“They always come home late,” I said, focusing on the bookshelf above her head. “But I’m so tired of sleeping in an empty house. And when I wake up, they’re already gone. It’s like I live by myself.”
“Sounds like fun to me,” she said. “You can do what you want, watch what you want.”
“It sounds fun, but it really sucks. I’m not even sixteen yet and I’m already living by myself.”
“Are you lonely?” she asked in a small voice.
I pondered my options. Lying was my first instinct but I had already opened up to Elsie, I might as well tell her the truth. If nothing else, it might make me look like a sensitive soul. “Yeah. I really am,” I said. I nudged her thigh with my foot. “You and Jason are so lucky. Don’t you ever forget that.”
Her hazel eyes watched me. “I won’t.” She slid down onto her pillow. “Henry, can I ask you something?”
“Shoot.”
“Is that why you’re always here? Are we, like, your adopted family or something?”
“Yeah, something like that.” I glanced at her. “Why, do you want me to leave?”
“No,” she said. “You can have my family. You and Jason are basically twins anyway. Twin dickheads.”
I squeezed her socked foot. “Don’t talk like that.”
“Why? You and Jason do.”
“Because we’re disgusting and gross.”
“Yeah you are. Your feet smell.”
“They do not!” I laughed the comment off. I was at about that age when deodorant and a daily shower had become a necessity.
She scrunched up her nose and giggled. “They really do.”
I got up, grabbed my shoes, and headed to the door. “I’ll go stink up Jason’s room then,” I said with a grin before tiptoeing out. “Good night, brat.”
3
Elsie started going to Monterey High School when Jason and I were juniors. I don’t know if it was his dad’s influence or what, but Jason watched over her like a hawk at first. He recruited me to stalk her, to make sure that nobody was messing with her. Elsie was a sweet kid and some of the older students liked picking on the freshmen, so Jason and I had to have words with a few people. We were football players and people actually listened to us like we had real authority.
Elsie, for her part, had her friends and was a genuinely likeable person. Coupled with her good looks—she’d learned how to style her hair a little better by then—she quickly became one of the popular girls at school. I’d see guys trying to talk to her all the time and I’d get this urge to throw my arm around her shoulder to chase them off. I thought at the time that it was just overprotectiveness. Now that I’m older, I can now tell you that those were the first flames of jealousy burning in my chest, but when you’re young and have never loved a girl, you don’t know those things. Unfortunately, not knowing what the hell I was feeling, I ended up doing some pretty stupid things.
Take, for example, in senior year when this guy took Elsie to the homecoming dance. Elsie was only a sophomore at the time but John was a senior and a known ladies’ man, so Jason and I were already on high alert. John was on the football team too, albeit a second-stringer, so we all chipped in for a limo and rode together. I really pushed for it so Jason and I could keep an eye on the guy and his wandering hands.
Everything was going fine at the dance. I took my girlfriend, Nina, who was smoking hot in her tight green dress, which really looked good with her red hair. We were dancing and Nina was whispering really raunchy things in my ear when I saw John lead Elsie onto the dance floor.
They started off innocently, with her hands around his neck and his around her waist, but there’s a lot of truth in John’s reputation and he started to get fresh with her. She kept trying to pull his hands away from her ass but he was relentless, until she just gave up and let him touch her all over that dance floor. I’ll never forget that blissful look on her face, when she closed her eyes and let him kiss her neck.
It made me so fucking furious.
I pulled away from Nina and ran over to John, grabbing the back of his shirt and throwing him across the room. I turned to Elsie, ready to . . . I don’t know. I wanted to yell at her and kiss her and keep her safe from disgusting guys like John.
“What the hell, Logan?” John shouted and pushed me. I pushed him back, waiting for him to hit me. I’d instigated the fight, so if I threw a punch I would get expelled for sure, maybe even get charged for assault.
“You were practically molesting her in front of the whole school!” I yelled at him.
“It’s not molesting if she wanted it!” John shouted back.
We were both trying to out-shout each other when Jason got into the mix. Then I realized Elsie was gone. Luckily, someone said they saw her running to the exit, so I took off after her with Jason right behind me.
We caught up with her, and I swear, it took everything I had in me not to just tackle her to the ground and . . . I didn’t know. Those damned teenage hormones were firing on all cylinders.
Jason went back to his date right after he realized that Elsie was fine, that we were just acting like children. There, alone in the dark hallway with Elsie, I was filled with so many warring emotions, the main one being protectiveness. I didn’t want her with guys like John who didn’t respect her, but honestly, I didn
’t know one guy deserving of her. Me? Hell no. I was just a horny teenage guy too. “You shouldn’t have let him do that,” I told her.
“We were just dancing.” She looked like she was about to cry.
I didn’t know what to say to take that look away from her face and ended up saying the first thing that popped into my head. “Now the whole school will see that you’re easy.” I didn’t know why I said it. I meant to say the school would think she was easy. “Elsie, I didn’t mean it like that,” I added quickly.
“I hate you,” she said and flipped me off.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” I said again, but she was already gone. I faced the nearest locker and pounded my head into it repeatedly. Nina found me like that a few minutes later.
“Are you okay?” she asked me.
“I’m great, Nina,” I said. “What the hell does it look like?”
“It looks like you got jealous because John was touching Elsie.”
I took deep breaths to stave off the headache. “She’s like a little sister to me, all right?”
Nina didn’t look convinced but she nodded anyway. “Fine. Can we just go back to our homecoming dance?”
I took her by the hand and led her back into the gym, glad for any kind of distraction.
“Well, if you look like a whore and quack like a whore,” she said under her breath.
That was the first time I noticed the nasty streak in Nina, but at that point in my life, she was the only female left who could still stand me, so I just asked her to can it.
* * *
I didn’t stop coming over to the Shermans’ house but Elsie made sure I felt the chill. She froze me out, refusing to even acknowledge my presence. One night, during dinner, her parents asked flat-out why she was so angry with me.