‘Don’t I get a Christmas kiss?’ Ben murmured as he walked past.
‘Of course,’ Amy said, brushing her lips across his cheek, although she had a feeling that this wasn’t quite what he had in mind.
They chatted companionably as they chopped veg, a Christmas carols CD that Saffron had been playing in the background.
‘You look as though you’ve done this before,’ said Amy, watching Ben expertly cross the Brussels sprouts.
‘I usually end up in the kitchen at parties,’ said Ben. ‘Or certainly on Christmas Day. On the rare occasions I go to my brother’s I often help his wife.’
‘Don’t you see him much?’ asked Amy.
‘I don’t see him often,’ said Ben. ‘We’re not a close family.’
‘That’s a shame,’ said Amy. ‘I can’t imagine not being close to my brother. I wish I saw more of him. He’s pretty much all I’ve got, apart from Josh. I speak to him and his wife all the time on the phone. I’ll probably go and see them after Christmas.’
‘You’re lucky then,’ said Ben. And a look of sadness passed across his face, but was gone again so swiftly that Amy wondered if she had imagined it. ‘Oh, that was really crass,’ he said. ‘I’m sure, particularly today, you feel anything but lucky.’
‘You know,’ said Amy, as she tipped the peelings into the compost bin. ‘For the first time since Jamie died, I do feel lucky. I was dreading Christmas, but this feels really restful.’
‘It does, doesn’t it?’ said Ben, and smiled the smile that made Amy’s heart dance as though one day soon it might even sing again.
Cooking with Ben felt cosy. And right. And with Josh wandering in and out occasionally, it felt almost domestic.
When they were done, the turkey still wasn’t, so they looked at each other, unsure what to do next. After all, this wasn’t their kitchen.
‘We should go and be sociable,’ said Amy.
‘I still haven’t had my Christmas kiss,’ Ben replied playfully.
‘Yes, you have,’ said Amy, giving him a little punch in the ribs.
‘Not what I would call a proper kiss,’ Ben replied. ‘Oh look, Saff ’s put some mistletoe up above the door.’
And suddenly, pulling her to him, he pressed his lips against hers. It was a dizzying, intoxicating moment, as she realised that not only was he kissing her, she was kissing him back, with a fierceness and a passion she had forgotten she was capable of.
There was a slight commotion in the hallway, and they pulled apart as they became aware of Saffron coming in.
‘Thanks, you two,’ she said, grinning. ‘You’ve been a fantastic help.’
‘Are you feeling better?’ Amy was flustered, wondering if Saffron had seen anything.
‘Much. Thanks so much. I can manage from now on. Go off and enjoy yourselves.’
Ben and Amy walked down the hallway towards the lounge. As Ben opened the door, he squeezed her hand.
‘Happy Christmas, Amy,’ he said.
‘Happy Christmas, Ben,’ Amy replied.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Stupid. Stupid. How could he have been so stupid?
Ben sat at the far end of the table, contemplating the remains of the turkey, and trying to pay attention to what Clive was saying to him, but he was finding concentration difficult. What on earth had possessed him to kiss Amy? She had made it perfectly clear that all she wanted from him was friendship. And he had gone and kissed her. He could kick himself. She’d barely spoken to him since and he’d spent the rest of the day avoiding her.
Everything had disintegrated into a degree of chaos. Lunch was finally served at about 4 p.m., by which time all the adults apart from him had imbibed far more than was probably good for them. The children ate very little and then retired into the lounge to watch DVDs. Harry, who was swaying rather alarmingly, followed them, ostensibly to keep an eye on them, but was now snoring rather loudly on the sofa. Elizabeth, having wanly come downstairs to eat, decided she would rather be in her own bed, so Ben had dropped her back home. He’d been glad of the excuse to get out.
And now he, Pete, Clive, Keith, and Pete’s brother-in-law Steve were sitting chewing the fat and passing the port. Or at least they were passing the port. Ben was sticking to coffee and wondering when he could reasonably call it a day.
‘Come on, everyone, this is supposed to be a party,’ said Keith, who was a bit of a drama queen. ‘We should dance.’
‘Too right we should,’ said Saffron, yanking a rather reluctant Amy to her feet.
‘I’ve got two left feet,’ protested Amy.
‘Nobody can go wrong to Abba,’ was Saffron’s firm response, and soon the room was rocking to the sounds of ‘Dancing Queen’. Despite her initial reluctance, Amy seemed to be enjoying herself, and she had even persuaded Kay, Pete’s sister, to join in. Now, as Ben watched covertly, she was laughing and joking as she tried to follow Keith’s rather wild version of the ‘Macarena’. Her hair, held up in a grip, was escaping, and loose tendrils kept snaking their way down her neck. Ben longed to go over and wind them back up again.
His thoughts were in turmoil. She was so beautiful. So full of fun and life. Just seeing her this morning, so calm and capable chopping the vegetables, yet managing to exude an air of sexuality at the same time, had made him realise how much he wanted her. It had seemed natural to kiss her. And she had responded, damn it.
Watching her dancing now, teasingly trying to drag Clive and Pete out to join them, it was hard to imagine her life had been blighted by tragedy. But blighted it was.
Amy came back to sit down at the table. She was flushed and laughing.
‘No more, no more!’ she was saying as Keith tried to persuade her to join him again.
‘Time we were off, anyway,’ said Kay. ‘We’ve got to pop in on Steve’s family.’
‘And we’re seeing the neighbours,’ Clive reminded Keith.
‘What time is it?’ Amy looked at her watch. ‘I should really be getting Josh to bed.’
The children straggled through the door to announce that Pirates of the Caribbean had finished.
‘Matt says I can have a sleepover,’ Josh announced to Amy.
‘Darling, you can’t just invite yourself to stay the night,’ laughed Amy. ‘Saffron and Pete mightn’t like it.’
‘He’s welcome to stay if you want,’ said Saffron.
For a fleeting moment, Amy had the tempting thought that with Josh out of the way, she could perhaps snatch a moment alone with Ben, whom she had been avoiding ever since he’d kissed her in the kitchen. But she dismissed it instantly, horrified with herself for even having the thought.
‘It’s all right, Saffron,’ she said. ‘I’d rather have him with me. Thanks anyway.’
‘’sabout time I was off.’ A rather bedraggled-looking Harry was swaying in the doorway. He was still somewhat the worse for wear.
‘Perhaps Josh and I had better see you home,’ said Amy, having visions of Harry falling into someone’s compost heap and dying of hypothermia in the night.
‘Good idea,’ said Ben. ‘I’ll help you.’
Saffron and Pete exchanged looks that weren’t lost on Amy. She wasn’t at all sure she wanted to be round Ben right now. The kiss had unsettled her. Not only had Ben taken her completely by surprise, she’d taken herself by surprise too. The force with which she had responded to Ben frightened her. And made her feel guilty. She had been both relieved and perturbed when he had spent the rest of the day avoiding her, but now they were being thrown together again. Then again, with Harry and Josh acting as chaperons, it wasn’t like anything could happen.
The hall was soon full of people milling around, wishing each other a merry Christmas and kissing one another goodbye. Eventually, Amy and Ben found themselves walking down Saffron’s path with Harry propped up between them, and Josh holding Amy’s hand. It took all their efforts to stop Harry from falling over, and all four of them found themselves in fits of hysterics.
‘What’s w
rong with Harry?’ Josh wanted to know as Harry tripped over for the umpteenth time.
‘There’s nothing wrong with me,’ muttered Harry. ‘Don’t know what all the fuss is about meself.’
He staggered to his feet and then lurched over again.
‘I have a feeling this could take some time,’ said Ben, in peals of laughter.
‘I’ve a feeling you could be right,’ Amy replied. And they staggered off into the dark.
‘Well, I think you could call that a success,’ said Pete, as he staggered back into the lounge, where Saffron was flopped on the sofa.
‘Mmm. Mismanaged, dysfunctional, disastrous were words that sprang to mind,’ she said. ‘But I think everyone enjoyed themselves. In the end. Are the kids settled?’
‘They’re all out for the count,’ said Pete, ‘which gives us a chance for some quality time together.’ He gave her a wicked grin, and Saffron smiled back.
‘Doesn’t it just,’ she said. ‘Hang on a sec. You wait here and come up in five minutes. There was something I was going to do last night, which I never got round to in the general chaos.’
Saffron scooted upstairs, and, after making sure Pete was right and everyone was asleep, ran into their bedroom, threw off her clothes, and found her sexy lingerie, where it had remained in the bottom of her drawer after her last thwarted attempt at seduction.
The bra bit of the basque seemed tighter than ever, as her breasts were filling with milk. Ellie wasn’t due a feed till around midnight, so she reckoned she had an hour or so to play with. She really ought to stop breastfeeding soon, if only to restore her breasts to their former glory, but with Ellie in the next room and still waking a couple of times in the night it was so damned convenient.
Put that out of your head, Saffron admonished herself. Thinking about breastfeeding was hardly likely to make her feel horny. Whereas black lace underwear, silk stockings and the sexy lacy nightie and dressing gown Pete had bought her for Christmas were. She added a Santa’s hat to complete the effect.
There was a tentative knock on the door. ‘Can I come in now?’
‘Be my guest,’ said Saffron, arranging herself in what she hoped was a sexy manner on the bed. The alcohol she had been drinking on and off all day had emboldened her and she was beginning to think she could pull this off.
‘Happy Christmas, darling,’ she said. ‘I thought I’d wrap myself up like a Christmas cracker, for you to pull.’
‘Sounds good to me,’ said Pete, pulling his clothes off with satisfying alacrity. It was working, it was finally working. Saffron was feeling sexy. She was turned on, and Pete evidently wanted her.
Pete was on the bed fumbling with her dressing gown now, and she let him undo it while she drew a lazy finger down his spine. There had been a time when his every touch sent her into paroxysms of delight, and tonight she was pleased to note that those feelings were beginning to return. Pete was kissing her now. On her mouth. Her neck. His lips were moving down her body as he gently peeled off the sexy nightie and began to caress her breasts through the basque.
Oh, this was gorgeous. It was sublime. Saffron felt like punching the air. Yee haw! When –
‘What the –?’ Pete pulled back clutching his eye. He had released her bulging breasts from the basque, and without warning a jet of milk had shot out. Ellie was starting to wail in the other room. It was feeding time at the zoo again.
Saffron’s sexy mood evaporated as quickly as it had arrived. Bugger, bugger, bugger. She looked at Pete, who had collapsed into fits of hysterics.
‘Sorry,’ she said.
‘Did you know they could do that?’ Pete was looking semi-admiring, if a little defused.
‘Nope. I just guess we have to accept that they don’t belong to me any more,’ said Saffron, as she flung on her dressing gown and went to get Ellie.
The baby settled quickly into a contented and happy feed, while Pete cuddled next to Saffron.
‘Never mind,’ he said. ‘We can try again later.’
‘Thanks for being so understanding,’ said Saffron.
‘How else would I be?’ Pete was genuinely puzzled. He kissed her. ‘Look, I’m really sorry but I’m knackered. Wake me up for round two when the baby’s finished.’
‘Round two sounds good to me,’ said Saffron, knowing full well she wouldn’t. Instead of feeling a sex goddess, she felt like a failure, despite Pete’s reassuring words. Her body had betrayed her and she felt cheated. But she also didn’t have the energy to try again. It seemed to her a normal healthy sex life was a thing of the past. Would she ever get it back? There was no help for it. Desperate times called for desperate measures. She was going to have to make it her New Year’s Resolution to rediscover her lost libido.
‘Here we are, Harry,’ Amy said with a grin as they finally arrived at Harry’s doorstep. Harry lurched forward and nearly fell again as he fumbled for his keys.
‘Can’t seem to find my – you know, wotsitcalled?’
‘“Key” is the word you’re looking for,’ Ben said drily. ‘I think you’ll find the spare is hidden under the flowerpot.’
‘Do you know, old boy, I think you’re right.’ Harry swaying dangerously to retrieve the key and then couldn’t seem to find the lock.
‘Here, let me,’ said Ben, taking the key from him.
‘Thanks, old boy,’ said Harry, as he staggered through the door. ‘Can I offer you a nightcap before bed?’
‘No, thanks,’ Ben and Amy chorused, visions of being force-fed elderberry wine springing to mind.
‘Right, well, I’ll be seeing you,’ said Harry. ‘Merry Christmas.’
‘Merry Christmas, Harry,’ said Amy, giving him a hug and a peck on the cheek.
‘Merry Christmas, Harry,’ said Ben. ‘And make sure you drink plenty of water.’
‘You fuss too much,’ said Harry, waving them away and shutting the door behind him.
‘So much for us keeping an eye on him,’ said Amy. ‘Do you think he’ll be okay?’
‘I have seen him worse,’ said Ben. ‘But I’ll give him a ring later to make sure he’s all right.’
They had reached the doorstep of Amy’s house. The memory of their kiss stood pregnant in the air between them.
‘Mumm-eee, I’m cold,’ Josh wailed.
Amy rummaged with her key in the lock, wondering whether to invite Ben in or not. Part of her wanted to pretend the kiss had never happened. But she knew she was kidding herself. It had meant something. Ben meant something. Oh, bugger it. Life was too short. There was no harm in having coffee with Ben.
‘Would you like to come in?’ she asked.
‘Well, if you’re sure,’ said Ben, and everything suddenly seemed so simple.
Except that once inside the house, with Josh safely tucked up in bed, when she was sitting nervously opposite Ben holding her coffee, conscious she might spill it, she didn’t know what to do next. It had been so long since she felt like this. The easy intimacy of Saffron’s kitchen seemed to have deserted her. And the kiss hung between them like an albatross around their necks. Should she go to him? Should she touch him? What should she say next?
Ben clearly felt the same, as he didn’t stay sitting down. He roamed the room like a caged lion, before he finally settled in the corner, leaning against a bookshelf. He picked up Josh’s Action Man.
‘I used to have one of these,’ he said. ‘I loved it.’
‘Josh does too,’ said Amy.
‘They don’t make them like they used to any more,’ said Ben.
‘Oh I don’t know,’ Amy replied, ‘you should see how many versions of Action Man there are these days. SAS Action Man, Rock Climber Action Man, Underwater Action Man – for all I know they do Robocop Action Man. I can’t keep up.’
‘But the originals are always the best, don’t you think?’
‘I guess so,’ said Amy. Then, ‘Why are we having a conversation about Action Man?’
‘What else should we talk about?’ said Ben.
‘Neither do I.’
There was an awkward pause.
‘About this morning,’ she began hesitantly.
‘Yes, I’m sorry about that,’ said Ben. ‘I don’t know what came over me.’
‘Oh.’ Amy was disappointed. He evidently thought he’d made a mistake. Then he looked at her, and she knew without a doubt that wasn’t what he was thinking. He hadn’t made a mistake, and neither had she.
She went towards him, still hesitating. But almost as if she had no will of her own, she stumbled into Ben’s arms. The dizzying feeling from that morning – was it only that morning? It seemed like a lifetime ago – returned, and he pulled her towards him to kiss her, and –
‘Mummy, what are you doing?’ Josh was standing at the bottom of the stairs, with a look of horror on his face.
For the second time that day, Amy pulled away from Ben.
‘I hate you. And I hate Ben!’ Josh burst into tears and ran upstairs.
And after what he’d said to Mary too. Oh my God. How could she have done this to him? Ben stood looking awkward. ‘I should go,’ he said eventually.
‘Yes, you should,’ said Amy. ‘Sorry, I’ve got to see to him.’
‘Of course, of course,’ said Ben. ‘I’ll let myself out.’ ‘I’m sorry,’ said Amy. ‘Josh has to come first. You do understand, don’t you?’
‘I’m renowned for my understanding,’ said Ben, with a lightness he didn’t feel. ‘Merry Christmas, Amy.’
‘Merry Christmas, Ben,’ Amy replied, turning away, not trusting herself to speak. How could a day that had begun so right, end up going so dreadfully wrong?
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Ben drove down the motorway towards his parents’ house. His doctor’s duties over, he had a few days to kill between Christmas and New Year. Given that he had blown Caroline out for skiing, that meant a long and lonely Christmas week on his own. So he had decided to pay an extended visit to his parents. His mum would be pleased. Or so he kept telling himself.
Coward, a little voice said in his head. The real reason, of course, was Amy. After Josh had seen them kissing, Ben was clearer than ever that he had overstepped the mark. The stricken look on Amy’s face was enough to tell him so. Several times he had toyed with calling round, but every time he couldn’t bring himself to. Seeing her would do more harm than good. Which was, of course, an easy way to justify his actions. Coward, the voice in his head taunted him again. And, damn it, it was right.
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