I fled the room, trying to get a handle on what had just happened. He had assaulted me while speaking as if we were having afternoon tea.
I tried to wipe my lips free of the disgusting feel of his mouth on mine as I made my way up the grand staircase. When I reached the top, my breath was stuttering and shallow—and it had nothing to do with climbing the stairs. I sank down on the top step, leaned against the stone pillar and sat, feeling vulnerable and exposed. One oddity kept coming to mind: he had released my arms when he kissed me. If he had truly wanted to force himself on me, then why let me go? The way he had held me almost gently was reminiscent of a lover’s embrace. It was as though he truly endeavored to change my mind, honestly trying to make me want him. It was demented and I was so tired of it.
Why me? Why, when he could take his pick of any of my sisters, did he choose to fixate on me, the one who did not want him?
I studied my hands, which sat trembling in my lap, and noticed the hideous red of my dress, contrasted with the black sash. I ran the silk through my fingers, musing that black seemed eerily appropriate at this moment.
“What are you doing wallowing on the floor, Ariella?” I looked up to see Lorraina and Lylin coming up the stairs.
I considered telling them nothing was amiss, then felt the tears in my eyes. I blinked them away and tried to say matter-of-factly, “Jeshua and I argued.”
“A lovers’ spat,” Lorraina sneered.
“No, it wasn’t a lovers spat! I don’t like him.”
“Then pray tell why a quarrel with him would make you so upset.” She sat down a step below me, off to my right, and seemed truly interested. Lylin, who had yet to say anything, sank into a sitting position as well.
I didn’t want to talk about it. Or at least I didn’t want to need to talk about it. But with two sisters awaiting my answer, the words tumbled from my mouth. “He tried to force me to kiss him.”
“He did what?” Lylin exclaimed, alarmed. I was about to reassure her when Lorraina spoke up in her usual tone.
“Oh please,” she scoffed. “Do you really believe you are so irresistible that every man is trying to seduce you? You are extraordinarily vain.” She rose and swept down the staircase, leaving me with a stark reminder of why I didn’t confide in my sisters. It was a wonder she had bothered to ask in the first place.
I stared at my lap, until Lylin moved to sit right beside me. I had almost forgotten she was there. “Did he really do that?” she asked quietly.
I put an arm around her shoulders and rested my cheek on top of her head. “He was just trying to make a point.”
We sat in silence until Lylin spoke again. “You want to know a secret?”
I pulled away to look at her. “Of course.”
“I hate these parties,” she said, sounding disgusted.
I laughed out loud. That bit of honesty, with which I wholeheartedly agreed, was just what I needed. I stood and offered her my hand. “Come along. Let’s endure the rest of the evening together.”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Looking for a Fight
THE NEXT MORNING, I went into the village earlier than usual, anxious to make up for lost time. Because of the impromptu nature of the party, I had been forced to postpone previous commitments.
As I approached Jordyn’s home, he was playing in the yard with a stick in his hand as his mother watched from the porch.
“Princess Ari!” four-year-old Jordyn hollered. He threw down the stick, yelling over his shoulder, “Mama, the princess is here!” apparently entirely oblivious to the fact that she too could see me. He ran to me in his usual manner, ducking under my cloak and circling behind my back before coming around the other side with his arms reaching up around my waist.
“Katrin,” I greeted his mother, “I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to come yesterday.”
She waved my apology away. “Don’t you worry about it, Princess. I hear there was a quite a to-do up at the palace.”
“Yes, there was.” I paused to help Jordyn retrieve a treat from my satchel. “But I was still amazed it took the entire day to prepare for it.”
“We also hear they were celebrating an engagement,” Katrin had a knowing look on her face. “Have you been keepin’ secrets from us, Princess?” She raised her eyebrows in anticipation, but I just laughed.
“I may have a few secrets, Katrin, but none of them involve being married any time soon.”
“Is that so?” She looked disappointed. “Well then, I suppose that fellow who works the grounds around the palace doesn’t know as much as he thought he did.”
“I’m sorry?” Surely she didn’t mean…
“The chatter among the children was that Mr. Gavin, who works the grounds, had told them they were celebrating your engagement to Prince Jeshua up at the castle last evening.”
The accusation shocked me, lodging in my throat. “No,” I managed to respond, gathering my thoughts. “It’s Princess Jensa who is marrying Prince Goran.” I was taken aback, not only by the idea that Gavin assumed the engagement would be mine, but also that he would share his suspicions with the townspeople. For the moment, though, I tried to let it go so I could have a coherent conversation. “Katrin, would you like me to invite Jordyn to come along with me today so you can rest?”
She put her hands to her swollen midsection and sighed, relieved. “As long as you don’t think he’ll be a bother.”
“Oh, he’s never a bother,” I assured her, then raised my voice so that Jordyn, who was fighting some shrubs with his stick, could hear me. “Jordyn, would you like to come along with me today?”
He stopped mid-swing and looked at me, wide-eyed. “Oh, could I, Princess? Mama, could I? Princess Ari wants me to go with her! Can I go?”
“Yes, Jordyn,” Katrin agreed as she rose to her feet with some difficulty, “but you must be on your best behavior and do just as the princess says.”
“Oh, I will, Mama, I’ll be so good!” And with that he grabbed my hand, said, “Let’s go!” and started pulling me toward the gate.
“Rest well, Katrin,” I hollered back to her. She just smiled and went inside.
As we continued down the lane, Jordyn put his hand in mine, swinging it back and forth as we walked. “Well, Jordyn, what shall we do today?”
He tipped his head back, crinkling his nose as he thought. “Umm…can we go to the bakery?”
I laughed. Jordyn was always thinking about food. “Not now, but perhaps we’ll stop by later. Would you like to visit Marin with me?”
“All right,” he agreed with a shrug.
Marin only lived two streets away, but on the way over I received more than ten congratulatory greetings from various women, children and even a few men. Each time, I stopped to explain that it was not I, but my sister who would marry not Jeshua, but Prince Goran.
“Well, I’ll be,” was the reply from Marin’s mother, Maggie. “Marin made it sound as though it were absolutely certain.”
“Yes, well,” I said, exhausted from the repeated explanations on my way over, “he was very much mistaken.”
“Well then, I’m certainly glad to know we’ll be keepin’ you for a while longer.”
“That makes two of us,” I admitted with a smile.
She smiled sweetly and hooked her arm through mine as we walked toward the river together, where Marin was playing with some other children. As we went, I received more well wishes from more townspeople, but instead of having to explain myself, Maggie took over.
“Oh, don’t be congratulating this one quite yet. Turns out it’s Princess Jensa that’s to be married. Princess Ari will be free for a while yet.”
“Well then,” one man said, “give Princess Jensa our best regards.”
“I will,” I replied. And so it went until we arrived by the river, where several children were playing on the banks. I realized as Jordyn went to join in the fun that I knew each one of them by name. They were among the poorest and tended to band together.
; As Jordyn approached Tanner, a boy several years his senior, I heard him say, “Hey Jordyn, I thought your Mama said you were too young to come out by yourself.”
“I’m not by myself; Princess Ari brought me.”
At the mention of my name, all seven children turned toward me, then made a mad dash in my direction. “Princess Ari! Princess Ari!” I quickly moved my satchel behind me so they wouldn’t crush its contents as they swarmed around me. I received all their hugs gratefully and kissed each child on the cheek, making the older boys turn red.
“Gracious sakes,” I said, after their unusually enthusiastic greeting. “You’d think you all hadn’t seen me in years with a greeting like that.”
“Is it true?” Lessia asked.
“You gettin’ married, Princess?” Marin inquired, crinkling her nose.
“To a boy?” Sophie’s wide eyes declared her astonishment.
I saw Maggie about to come to my defense, but I wanted to answer these little ones myself. “Now, where did you hear such a thing as that? I’m not getting married at all.”
“You’re not?” Tanner asked.
“I’m not.”
“But Mr. Gavin told us you were gonna marry some Prince from over yonder.” This came from Tanner’s brother Henry.
“Well, don’t you think if I were going to get married I’d tell you all myself?” The looks on their faces told me this was, indeed, how they expected things to be done.
“Besides,” Jordyn spoke up with the authority of one who had heard the explanation many times. “It’s a whole other Prince that’s marryin’ Princess Ari’s sister.”
“Ohhh,” the children said in unison, as if this were all the explanation they needed. They then proceeded to rifle around in my satchel in search of the goodies I always brought. I noticed that a small crowd had gathered and that the news of my not being engaged was quickly circulating. Hopefully by the time I finished entertaining the children, I would be able to walk back to the palace without receiving any more congratulations.
The children and I ended up playing run-around games in the knee high grasses growing along the river. At one point I feared I had lost Lessia and Sophie, but then heard them giggling and discovered their hiding place in the grass. The games relaxed me, but once I had delivered the children back to their homes, I found ample time to get worked up again.
My guards left me as we entered the palace grounds and I made my way into the gardens. Coming here was unusual for me, but I was in the mood for a fight and knew exactly with whom I meant to have it.
It didn’t take me long to find Gavin. He worked on a garden path alongside another groundskeeper. As I approached at my irritated pace, he looked up, startled by my appearance. I gave him a meaningful glance without slowing down and kept walking toward the maze.
I went straight to our favorite garden room, knowing he would follow. I was in the process of discarding my cloak when he came tentatively through the hedges, rubbing dirt from his hands. I dropped my cloak on a stone bench and threw my satchel down with it, not looking at him, as he stood at the entrance, uncertain.
“Princess?” he ventured when I continued to stare at my things, hands on my hips.
I turned to glare at him. “So, I am engaged, am I?”
His brows shot up. “Aren’t you?”
“No!” I exclaimed, wondering how he could truly believe me capable of such a thing.
“But,” he floundered. “Jeshua is here, he has been courting you for years, your father promised you to him—I heard it myself, remember?” Of course I remembered. “There was an engagement celebration. If you aren’t—”
“I have six sisters, Gavin.” I cut him off. “And Jeshua was, by no means, the only nobleman visiting for Lorraina’s sixteenth. My Father managed to work his magic on Goran and Jensa.”
“You’re not engaged?” He still sounded stunned.
“Of course I’m not. I said no.” My voice was harsh. “I’m glad to know you have so much faith in me.” I glared at him, insulted that he would think me so weak. “Didn’t I tell you? Didn’t I say it would never happen?”
He looked down, penitent. “Ella, I’m—Princess, I’m sorry, I should have known…” He drifted off and I could see that while he felt sorry for hurting me, his dominant emotion was relief. It hurt to see him so relieved by this news. It made me think he still cared about me—the same way I cared about him.
“Yes, you should have known. And you certainly shouldn’t have told the entire village.”
“I didn’t tell the entire village,” he said in a quiet monotone.
I narrowed my eyes. “You mentioned it to a group of children; surely you didn’t think they would keep it to themselves?”
He seemed about to retort, then thought better of it. I realized how odd this must seem to him. I had avoided him at all costs and now he would think I had sought him out to reprimand him. My intent had been to take to task a former friend of mine, but it must have looked to him as if I were scolding him in my official capacity as a royal. My suspicions were confirmed when he spoke.
“My apologies, Princess. It was not my intent to spread rumors. I believed I was speaking the truth and sharing the good news.” He kept his voice carefully controlled and entirely flat. That irritated me even more. I had wanted an argument.
“Oh yes, the loveliest of news. The princess is going to marry a leech whom she hates because she has no spine and no independent thought. I’m sure you thought I was simply thrilled at the prospects, since just a few months ago I told you just how loath I was to—” I stopped myself. I didn’t know how to handle this. I had thought that yelling at him would make me feel better, but as the minutes went by, I just became more aware of him standing there, looking at me with dirt on his knees and hair falling into his eyes.
This had clearly been a very bad idea. I picked up my things. “Never mind, it doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have yelled at you no matter how much you deserve it.”
He still stood in the middle of the only path leading out of this garden room and did not move as I approached. “Excuse me,” I said, but he just stood there.
“Ella—”
I met his eyes. “Oh, so it’s Ella again, is it? No more of this titled nonsense—”
“Princess—”
“Don’t call me that!” I said in frustration. I wanted him to move his rather large form out of my way so I could escape. It had been impulsive and stupid to try to talk to him. I’d thought my anger would sustain me.
“What shall I call you then?” He took the tiniest step toward me as he said it.
“Nothing. Don’t call me anything. I just need to go now.” I used my satchel as a barrier as I pushed past him, determined to get away, though I felt something very real pulling me in his direction. I made it only a few steps before his hand wrapped around my arm, pulling me to a stop as he moved to block my path once more. His eyes searched mine, making me swallow.
“Do you hate me for not fighting for you?”
His question shocked me, not because he asked, but because of what he was admitting. My shoulders fell and I met his eyes, answering with as much honesty as he had shown by asking. “Sometimes, I really wish I could.”
“Ella—” His voice caressed my name.
“No.” I stopped him from saying anything more as I pulled my arm from his grasp. “You come back here, engaged, and have the audacity to accuse me of accepting Jeshua?” My lip quivered as I stepped back. “How dare you! I am not the one who left you; you left me.”
His face was stricken. He opened his mouth to respond but I ran him over. “Just go away,” I begged. “Please, Gavin, just go.”
“Ella…” His tone was pleading.
“What do you want me to say?” I snapped. “What exactly would you like to hear from me, Gavin?”
He opened his mouth, but ended up shrugging slightly, unable to come up with anything.
“Go away,” I begged him, then rushed on, hoping to quic
ken his departure before I lost the last shreds of my composure. “I don’t want to be having this conversation. I don’t want to stand here, knowing what I know and feeling how I feel with you here to watch.” My chin quivered as I watched his emotions play out on his face. “Please,” I whispered. “Go. Away.”
He still looked at me in that horribly familiar way. I hoped he would just leave, and yet I couldn’t help wanting him to stay. I wanted to argue with him more. I wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to know just how much he had hurt me.
“It wasn’t my choice to leave, Ella. You know that. You know I wouldn’t have left, but they made me leave.” I heard in his voice the anguish I had wished upon him and it tore at my heart.
“I wasn’t talking about then!” He winced, knowing exactly what I meant. “You’re here now, and you don’t want me.”
“I do want you, Ella.” He said it quietly, as though it were a simple fact. “I do, but—”
“Don’t say that.” My anger was quiet, but he heard me clearly.
“It’s true.”
“It’s not!” I held on to my anger, hoping it would give me strength. “If it were true you wouldn’t be marrying someone else.”
“You are a princess.” He raised his voice as though this fact should have made me understand.
“I was a princess when you kissed me a year and a half ago. You chose to ignore my title; we both made that choice.” There was a ringing silence as I felt an irrational calm settle over me. “You were the one choice I made for myself. And that one choice was taken away from me, because the night I realized I was in love with you was the same night you left.”
He reached out as if to touch me. “I hated leaving you—”
“And then you came back.” My voice was suddenly strong, accusing. “And you came—and you found me—and you stood there—and told me of your engagement—so calmly.” I was incredulous, wondering. “And you didn’t care that I was still in love with you.” I stared at him, letting my words hang in the air between us, letting him feel the grief emanating from me. “You should have just stayed away.”
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