I didn’t have to wait long. Only four days after his arrival, I left the study and noticed William standing inconspicuously down the hall a ways. Kalina passed without noticing him; she appeared to be in a daze, which was not uncommon. I stayed just outside the door, waiting to see what William would do. When she had gone ten paces beyond him he pushed away from the wall and walked after her. I, in turn, followed him. I’m sure it would have been an odd sight, if anyone had been paying attention—a somber parade progressing down the corridor without any apparent destination.
Just as I was wondering how William would approach her, she gave him the perfect opportunity. In her apathy and distraction, her shawl dropped to the floor without her noticing its departure. She kept walking. William paused, took a deep breath and then hurried his pace.
“Your Highness,” he called as he scooped up her shawl.
She did not turn—too wrapped up in her own thoughts.
“Princess Kalina!” he called again, this time raising his voice.
Her head came up and she turned slowly, as if she were surprised to hear someone calling for her. She took a moment to focus on him before saying, “Yes?”
He held out the cloth. “You dropped your wrap, Highness.”
Her eyes went down to the offering in his hands and her brow furrowed in surprise and confusion. “Oh.” She took it from him slowly, as though her mind was still not focused on the situation at hand. She stood there, staring down at the fabric running through her hands.
William opened his mouth as though to speak, but didn’t manage to get any words out until his third try. “Might I walk with you a ways?”
Kalina’s eyes darted up, startled by the question. “Of course,” she replied without any real conviction, then turned and started walking.
William fell into step beside her, his hands clutched behind his back. The murmur of their voices started just before they turned the corner. It was a start.
In fact, it turned out to be a very good start. William seemed easily able to persuade Kalina to spend time with him. Within a few days, she appeared less distracted and more cognizant of her surroundings. Her eyes lit up each time she saw him, and over the next several weeks I was able to watch as William coaxed my sister out of her melancholy over Jeshua's betrayal and into a fragile romance. Watching their relationship develop was wonderful and difficult at the same time. Kalina was being introduced to genuine love, as opposed to feigned love. The stark contrast between Jeshua's arrogant pursuit and William’s sincere interest gave her a startling perspective on the relationship she would have had with Jeshua. I saw her become much more of herself and less of what everyone expected.
As I watched them greet each other one morning, William spotted me and waved me over.
“I was just telling your sister: your father has decided to give me a try.”
I raised an eyebrow. “And what exactly does that mean?”
“I’m joining the guard. I’ll be working directly under the captain, helping to assess defenses and make improvements. If I prove myself useful, they’ll keep me around.”
I offered my sincere congratulations to him, and then silently congratulated myself for a match well made.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Understanding
SOMETHING ABOUT MY sketch was off. Trying to draw the village square from memory was proving to be more difficult than I had hoped. As I contemplated the idea of just giving up for the day, the door opened and my father walked in.
My muscles tensed, but he only sat in the chair across from mine and offered a small smile. My grip on my pencil relaxed and I was able to return his smile, after which we spent the next half hour in comfortable silence.
I resumed lessons with my father after that day, and though our time together still felt a bit strained, I was relieved to feel his approval.
My life settled into a comfortable rhythm once Jeshua’s presence no longer plagued me. I was able to enjoy my work in the village as well as time with my family without that oppressive sense of dread invading my thoughts.
I saw Gavin working many times, and I was able to acknowledge him and continue on my way without the extreme emotional upheaval that had ruled my reaction to him previously. He would smile and continue with his work, at least at first. After a few weeks, I noticed his smile was slower in coming and there was sometimes a distinct sadness in his eyes.
I had never seen Gavin so grave, so out of sorts. I wished I could talk to him, find out what was wrong, but that was no longer my place. I missed his smile.
***
I pushed the ivy aside and heaved the door open. This was likely to be the last time I went to the waterfall. It was unwise for me to go on my own, but my purpose today required the serenity and solitude offered by the waterfall. The change I had seen in Gavin over the past several weeks was weakening my resolve. Every time he gazed at me with his sad eyes, every time he failed to greet me in his casual friendly manner, I found myself becoming weaker. Wasn’t he happy? I needed him to be happy. Because if he wasn’t, then what was the point? I truly wanted his happiness, and if Brinna could give that to him, then I would be content.
So I walked through the trees and changed out of my dress before slipping under the waterfall, into my sanctuary. I was determined to let him live his life in the way he had chosen. That life did not include me, so I would let him go. But first I would sit here, completely alone, and I would let myself think of him one more time. I would remember every beautiful moment of our friendship, every joyous moment of having someone who truly loved me, someone I had loved in return. And when I finished, I would leave him here in this place. I would not let his happiness or unhappiness shake my resolve.
I sat in the water, my knees pulled up and my head resting against the stone behind me, and I allowed myself to feel just how much I had loved that boy—how much I still loved the man. I let the memory of him—his crooked smile, his fascination with my hair, his walking backwards when he teased me—I let them all fill my mind as his voice drifted through my head.
“Princess,” his voice said. I frowned, not wanting to remember him calling me by my title. I tried to imagine the many times he had called me by my name, the many times he had called me—
“Ella,” he whispered in my mind, and it was exactly how I wanted him to say it. With all the tenderness and love I had hoped would be suffused in it. Then I felt something touch my cheek and my eyes flew open. I gasped, sucking in some of the water running over my face, and started to sputter as I scrambled away from the man crouching in front of me. I had only retreated a couple of feet when I realized it was Gavin crouching in the water, a startled expression on his face.
“Gavin!” I gasped, as I tried to wipe some of the water from my face. “What are you doing here?”
“I—” he began, but seemed distracted as his eyes studied me.
I looked down at myself and shut my eyes in embarrassment. As usual, my dress and cloak lay on the shore, safe and dry, and I was only left in my under things. And though they were, in actuality, entirely modest (even wet, the layers of fabric were thick enough to not become see-through), it still felt very revealing and entirely inappropriate for him to see me in such a manner.
I decided I needed to talk, so perhaps he might stop staring at me. “What are you doing here? How did you find me?”
He still didn’t answer, but he did look away, or at least tried to. He kept glancing back at me every couple seconds. “I…I have suspected for some time that you come here.”
I stood in water up to my knees, and as he continued to steal glances at me, I was suddenly conscious of the fact that I was drenched from head to foot, with my hair hanging unkempt about me. I must have looked like a drowned kitten. “But why did you come here?” I demanded as I pushed the hair away from my face and tried to smooth it. But as I did so, my hand brushed a tender spot and I winced. I realized that my head hurt—a lot. My eyes pinched shut and my hand pressed gently agains
t the swelling at the crown of my head.
I heard Gavin moving through the water, then he spoke very close to me. “Are you well, Princess?”
His hand rested on top of mine and I pushed it away. “I’m fine.”
“Did you hurt your head?” he asked in alarm.
I pinched my eyes tighter. “Yes, I think I must have bumped it when you startled me.”
“I’m sorry. Will you let me have a look at it?” My eyes popped open. I did not want him to touch me; or more accurately, I knew I should not let him touch me. But he was only being kind, so after an agonizing moment of staring into his eyes, wondering if my apprehension was written as clearly on my face as I felt it, I nodded my head.
He took my elbow and had me sit where the water was shallow. I instinctively curled into a ball, wrapping my arms around my legs.
I felt his hands in my hair and realized I had overestimated my control, or underestimated the way he would make me feel. As he tried to move my hair aside in order to see if my head was bleeding, I clasped my hands even more tightly to prevent them from trembling.
“You have a bump, but it isn’t bleeding,” he concluded, while his fingers continued to weave their way through my hair.
“Are you cold?” he asked after a moment.
“No, of course not.” I responded automatically.
“You’re shaking.”
Oh. I hadn’t realized my trembling had moved beyond my hands, or I would have told him I was cold. As it was, I didn’t know how to explain my body’s reaction to him. I shut my eyes again in a vain attempt to block out my feelings.
“I’m fine.” But I wasn’t fine, because his hands still ran through my hair, no longer concerned with the bump on my head. He just played with my hair, running his fingers haltingly through the wet strands, pulling it back over my shoulders until it all lay in one solid sheet down my back. The sensation of his fingers grazing my neck felt so wonderful, and so wrong. What was he doing?
“Gavin,” I whispered in desperation. “Please stop.”
He slowly moved his hands away and settled beside me. “You’re still shaking.” He pointed out the obvious.
“I know.” I kept my eyes shut, not wanting to see the way he would be staring at me.
“Tell me why you’re shaking, Ella.”
I shook my head. This wasn’t fair. He had surprised me, intruded on my sanctuary. I had let myself remember everything I felt for him. I wasn’t prepared to have him so close to me, especially when he was being so… so Gavin. “Please don’t ask me that.”
“I am asking,” he said, covering my hands where they were clenched around my knees.
I opened my eyes and made the mistake of catching his. He was leaning toward me and looking at me in the way only he could. It was the expression that made me want to crawl into his arms and never leave. Instead, I uncoiled my body and moved deliberately away without taking my eyes off of him. I curled back into a ball, pinning my hands between my chest and my legs so he couldn’t reach them and they could not reach for him, then took a fortifying breath. “Tell me what you’re doing here.”
He looked hurt, or disappointed, as though my moving away from him had somehow been a slight to him. Then he took a breath and said, in an almost defeated voice, “There was something I wanted to discuss with you.”
“And what would that be?” I asked, still only able to manage a whisper, for fear my voice would break with the strain.
“I have heard some news, and since there have been times in the past when I’ve made mistaken assumptions,” –I almost smiled at that reference—“I decided to come directly to you and ask you to verify what I’ve heard.”
I appreciated that he was finished making unfounded assumptions, but I wondered why he had sought me out here. “What have you heard?”
“A new knight has joined the guard.”
“Yes. William,” I confirmed.
“And he has won the favor of your father and plans to declare his intentions toward one of the princesses.”
“He does?” I was delighted, having wondered if William’s insecurities and guilt would cause him to pass up even someone as tempting as Kalina.
As Gavin registered the delight on my face, his eyes closed, as though he were in pain. “You didn’t know?” he asked with a catch in his voice. Perhaps he disapproved of William being accepted among us after what he’d done.
“No, I didn’t know. It’s rather fast and I thought perhaps he would not have the courage to ask for her hand.”
His eyes caught mine suddenly, clearly surprised. “Then it’s not you?” he asked.
I felt a bit put off by the utter relief he expressed at my not being attached to someone when he was very securely attached. “No, indeed. That would be very strange.” I said this more to myself than to him. My relationship with William was, indeed, strange.
“Why would it be strange?” he asked.
“Because…” I suddenly realized he would not know. “Because this William is the same William that you and I encountered after you found me at the tree.” A look of horror crossed his face. “He is the one who carried out Jeshua’s orders—”
I stopped speaking when Gavin shot to his feet, hit his head on the low cave wall, and cursed. He clutched his head and flailed for a moment in wordless pain and anger. I couldn’t help but go to him.
He was doubled over, holding his head, and if he hadn’t been so angry, I might have found the situation funny. As it was, I just put my hands over his. “Hold still,” I insisted when he started to shake his head. I tried to examine his head, but he grabbed my wrists and lifted his face.
“Are you all mad?” he asked. “You aren’t playing some horrible joke? The man who abducted you is now responsible for your protection?”
“Gavin, calm down. It’s not as simple as all that.” I tried to sooth his anger, though I knew it would take a lot of explaining.
“It doesn’t sound simple at all. It sounds dangerous and completely insane.”
I slowly pulled my wrists from his hands. “William was acting under Jeshua’s orders. He tried to protect me as much as possible during the whole ordeal, and it was he who came forward and told my father what had happened. He’s the reason Kalina didn’t marry Jeshua. He’s the reason I was able to tell the truth about you. Yes, it is a rather insane situation, but William is an honorable man and only did what he did to me because he was ordered to.”
Gavin winced as he put pressure on his head. “That doesn’t mean you should invite him to join the guard.”
I shrugged, hoping to convey that since I wasn’t worried about it, he shouldn’t be either. “My father made the decision. But I do agree with it. He has quite a brilliant strategic mind.” I went to him again. “Now, let me look at your head.” I pushed down on his shoulders so he would sit down and I would be able to see the top of his head. Instead, he rested his forehead on my shoulder and put his hands at my waist.
I froze for a moment, then forced myself to move, to push my fingers into his hair as he had done to me only minutes before. He winced and I forced myself to speak in the hopes of dispelling the tension saturating the air around us. “We’re quite the pair, you and I.” I tried to chuckle, but it came out as more of a whimper. “But I’m sure we’ll both be fine.” I put my hands on his shoulders and tried to push him away from me. But instead of moving away, he moved into me, wrapped his arms entirely around my waist and buried his face in the curve of my neck.
I stood there stiff, my hands frozen in the air, not willing to embrace him back, but not able to push him away.
“Gavin.” I cleared my throat in the hopes of lending my voice strength when I told him, “Please let go.”
“There was something else I wanted to discuss with you,” he murmured against my neck as he pulled me closer, and I forgot for a moment to breathe. Tears stung my eyes, and I wondered once again if he had any awareness of what he did to me.
I pushed on his shoulders, tr
ying to heave him away from me. “Let go, Gavin,” I demanded, my voice sounding desperate.
He lifted his head to catch my eyes, but his arms remained around me. “Just listen for a moment.”
“Let go,” I insisted, trying to pry his arms from around me.
He finally released me, only to grab hold of my wrists and anchor them against his chest. This was less torturous, but torture all the same. “Not until you listen.”
I closed my eyes, wondering how he could be so calm at this moment, and pulled in vain against his hold. “Please, Gavin.” The strength of my voice was gone. “Please. I’m listening, but just please let me go. I can’t think when you touch me.”
“That doesn’t sound like such a bad thing.” He had the audacity to sound amused, and I jerked my hands away, glaring at him. I don’t know if he could differentiate between my tears and the water dripping from the ceiling onto my face, but I could. My tears were hot and angry. I backed away from him slowly, then turned and swam beneath the waterfall. I dragged myself to shore and clawed my way onto dry ground.
“Ella.”
“Don’t!” I spun to face him and he stopped, knee deep in water. I stood on shore, once again shaking.
“Why are you angry at me?” he asked.
I blanched. Was he in earnest? Was he honestly asking me that question? “Because you are toying with me, Gavin! You cannot be unaware of it. And I cannot fathom what I could have done to deserve such cruelty.”
“I am not toying with you.”
“How can you say that? How can you look me in the eye and say that?” He took a step forward in the water, but I stepped back and he halted, his eyes running the length of me. “Everything you have done in the past five minutes has hinted at intimacy and flirtation. In what world would that not be considered toying with me?”
His face was intensely serious for a moment before asking, “You don’t know?”
Just Ella Page 27