“Truth, like gold, is to be obtained not by its growth, but by washing away from it all that is not gold.”
—Leo Tolstoy
The next day, I woke up feeling a bit more rested and refreshed. I slept for a few hours more after receiving the call from my mother. Hearing her voice helped me feel less alone that day. Mellie and I went into my mother’s bedroom to open up her safe. The papers were right where she had said. It surprised me to find them so old and brittle. Mellie watched as I grabbed the entire batch of papers and shut the safe door. I asked her to give me some time as I shuffled through the papers to figure out what we needed to send to my mother that afternoon.
I went back into my bedroom and laid all of the documents out on my bed. My intention was to batch together anything that had to do with her annulment to ensure that I didn’t miss anything critical to my mother’s intended application. There were legal documents — affidavits, witness statements, three divorce documents, and birth certificates. Another paper-clipped batch had psychiatric reports and daily progress reports from her various stints in rehab. I wasn’t planning to read anything — to me, this was all old news. And as I prepared to slip what I thought was the appropriate set of papers into a legal-sized manila folder, something caught my eye. Neatly ensconced in a plastic jacket was the formal and notarized set of annulment papers, complete with the tribunal approval and church seal. It was the Pandora’s Box that I wasn’t supposed to release out into the open.
The formal Annulment decree was supported by many addendums and signed affidavits by witnesses called upon the church to testify to my parents’ marriage. One of the supporting pages was a detailed timeline and narrative leading up to the end of their union. It looked like a sworn testimony given in support of the annulment proceeding. I knew at that point that I had to step away from what I was about to do, but a tiny voice inside plodded me along. It was as if this moment in time was never going to be handed to me again. My heart was already broken. I knew that I was already damaged by what had happened to my parents. What further risk was there at that point?
The narrative began with the date and location of a friend’s party where Claudia Holtzer and Felix Amarra met twenty-two years ago.
Felix Amarra was 23 years old and seriously dating a girl named XXX. It was love at first sight for Claudia Holtzer. Young, beautiful and spoiled, she was used to getting what she wanted. She pursued Felix through some common friends and got her to take him out one night when his girlfriend XXX was on vacation abroad with her parents. One night, Felix and Claudia were in a motel room fooling around when her older brother just happened to show up. Claudia proceeded to tell Felix that he had to marry her now that they had been caught. Felix then broke up with his long-term girlfriend and asked for Claudia’s hand in marriage.
Felix felt trapped and forced into a marriage where he did not love Claudia. He continued his relationship with his girlfriend, despite Claudia being with their first child. While Claudia tried her best to be a good mother, she was obsessed with keeping tabs on Felix, who was now philandering with various other women. Additionally, Claudia’s father had also paid for Felix’s tuition at a nearby university to encourage Felix to complete his studies and obtain a college degree. He never attended one single day of class. When Claudia found about this, she swore to sleep with not only the women’s husbands, but twice the amount of men than the women Felix had cheated on her with. It became like a game to Claudia, who wanted revenge for what Felix had done to her. Claudia also became addicted; not only to prescription medication, but also to various street drugs she had ready access during her part-time stint as a model. Felix responded to Claudia’s taunts and infidelities by physically striking her, once breaking her nose and the other time, rupturing her spleen. A week after Claudia was hospitalized a gunman approached Felix who was filling his car with gas at a nearby station. The gunman shot him in both legs. One of the bullets remained lodged in his ankle on the right leg. It was evident that the shooter was not there to kill him, just to disable him. This event ended his car racing career.
A separate document was attached to this page, sealed and notarized with a ribbon attached to it. It was a signed document that handed down the decision of the tribunal. The petition for the annulment was granted due to the marriage being deemed irreparable and recommended a permanent dissolution and separation that was deemed best for the sake of the children.
The saying “curiosity killed the cat” was an understatement to describe what reading the annulment papers did to me. I wasn’t expecting to feel the way that I did, but my eyes were opened to a new way of thinking about what had really happened to my parents. My father was forced into a relationship orchestrated by my mother. He was a coward not to stand up for himself. They played a game that ultimately affected the three daughters they brought into this world. I wasn’t angry with them. Instead, I was filled with a profound sadness for the hopelessness of their lives and the wasted time of hurt, betrayal and unrequited love.
I calmly prepared the documents for my mother and asked Mellie to take care of getting the package delivered as soon as possible. I spent the rest of the afternoon packing up all of Jesse’s things. Somehow, the glimpse into my parents’ truth had strengthened my resolve to never settle for anybody who didn’t love me enough to make me a priority.
Later on that evening, I asked Betty if she wanted to meet me for a drink. I was dying to tell her what I had found out. Somehow, I didn’t think it was the right time to disclose this information to Evie and Alicia. They were going through some rough patches in their respective marriages. There was no point in burdening them with something that might minimize what they were trying so hard to save.
TEXT FROM BETTY: Sorry! Leigh and I are on the way home from a seminar that he had to attend. We’re about five hours away.
I decided to head out to the bar by myself. I picked out a silk Louis Vuitton printed short dress that was sleeveless and layered at the waist and paired it with open toed silver ankle strapped heels. The D Marks Bar was a popular bar located in the heart of the nightlife district in the city and frequented by people my age. We used to say that it was the Polo Club’s own private lounge because the same people that hung out at the club also hung out at this place.
I headed straight to the bar and sat on one of the stools, determined not to call attention to myself. I was out of my element — I wasn’t even much of a drinker. If there was ever a good time to start drinking, however, that night would’ve been it. I didn’t know what to order, so I asked for something sweet. Tanqueray and Cranberry juice, he suggested. One hour and four of those sweet drinks later, the bartender was starting to look cute to me. I felt lightheaded and giddy and cool. There were people sitting next to me who came and went; we made small talk here and there. My head was spinning, I felt bold and confident. Just as I was about to call it a night, a tall, brown haired guy with bright green eyes and the sexiest mouth saddled up to the seat next to me.
“Okay, I gave you an hour to be alone.”
“Excuse me?” I could wallow in those eyes.
“I was expecting your boyfriend to come sit next to you, so I waited for an hour, knowing I would approach you if no one arrived by then.”
“Oh.” I smiled. I think I even fluttered my eyelashes. “You shouldn’t have wasted an hour of your life then. No one’s coming.”
“Wow. How did I deserve such great luck? Mark Brimley. A pleasure to meet you.”
“Hello, Mark Brimley,” I giggled, “I’m –”
“Isabel Amarra. Cover girl. DLSU. Prettiest girl in the bar tonight. Yes, I know who you are.”
“Dude, she’s with me.” Oh my God. That voice. I knew that voice.
“Alex!” I screeched, while attempting to stand up. My right heel latched on to the base of the bar stool, causing me to fall forward. He caught me just in time, and I gratefully wrapped my arms around his neck. I leaned my head on his chest and snickered. “I. Am. So. Drunk.”
>
“I know, baby. Let me take you home.” He didn’t let me go; in fact, he caressed my face and held me closer to him. I could feel his heart pounding through his shirt as I leaned on his chest. His hand was anchored on my back. His fingers stroked me through my silk dress. I must have been so intoxicated because the heat of his touch felt like it had seared a hole through the fabric. He looked so beautiful. He kept his hair longer, but those eyes were still so transparently blue. My gaze was transfixed on his mouth. I was hypnotized by the way he kept it so close to my face.
He carried me out to his car, whispering words in my ear that I can’t even remember. And as he bent down to fasten my seat belt around me, I pulled his face close to mine. “You always save me. Why?”
He looked into my eyes like he was about to say something but ended up shaking his head and shutting the car door. I was a non-stop chatterbox all the way home.
“Do you know that my mom forced my dad to marry her? What a manipulative bitch.” And “A, how come you don’t have a girlfriend?” Plus “Hey, when’s your next oil change due?” To that last question, he finally let out a great big laugh and took my hand.
By the time Alex walked me upstairs to my bedroom, I was a drunken mess. He called Mellie upstairs to help me change into my pajamas and then came back inside the bedroom once I was all dressed and tucked in under the blanket.
“Alex, don’t leave. Let’s watch a movie or something.”
He laughed once again. This time, it was a nervous laugh but a laugh nonetheless. “Okay, Isa, I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep.”
“No, A, stay until tomorrow. I really don’t want to be alone. Please.”
I grinned and patted the empty side of the bed next to me. He relented and jumped on it — he was on top of the blanket and I was underneath it.
“Night, Alex. This is why I don’t drink. It makes me so tired.” I leaned my head on his shoulder and fell into a deep sleep.
I woke up to the lightest sound of snoring and found myself with my head still on Alex’s shoulder. His right arm was underneath my neck and his left arm was draped across his chest. He was still in his jeans and socks. I glanced over to the clock by my side of the bed. 3:00 A.M. I tried to move his arm to a more comfortable position, but he woke up with a jolt and sat upright on the bed.
“Are you okay, Isa?”
“Shhh. Sorry, A. I didn’t mean to wake you. I’m fine. Go back to sleep. I’m going to wash up a bit and will be right back.”
He nodded at me and relaxed against the headboard. I went to the bathroom, removed my makeup and brushed my teeth. He stared at me as I reentered the bedroom. I smiled warmly at him.
“Thank you for bringing me home. Sorry I’m always such a pain in the ass.”
“You’re not.”
“I am. And I know it. I’m getting better, though.”
“Glad to hear that,” he said as I got back into bed.
“That guy you saved me from … he was cute!”
He nudged my arm playfully. Suddenly, his look turned serious as he straightened himself up to leave.
“Please don’t go, A,” I whispered.
“Isa, if I don’t leave now, I might regret what I’m about to do. I don’t want to take advantage of your vulnerability, and yet, I’m dying to be the one for you.”
“How do you know that you’re not? I want you to be, A. I want you to be the one for me.”
I pushed him back on the bed and kissed him. He was in such shock that it took him a while to register what was happening. Once it did, he started to take charge. He sucked on my top lip and opened me up with his tongue, tasting me, and taking his time to discover me. Our kiss was passionate, yet tentative. I could tell he was trying to savor every minute. He stopped after a while and pushed my face back a few inches from his. His thumb traced my eyes, my nose and my lips.
“Isabel, let me look at you. I’ve been wanting to do this for so long.”
If there was anyone who deserved my love, it was Alex. I wanted to focus on showing him that. He sat up and lay me back on the bed. He took a deep breath and watched intently as I unbuttoned my pajama top and threw it on the floor. He cupped my breasts and thumbed my already aroused nipples.
“More beautiful than I could’ve ever imagined,” he whispered into my neck.
He took his time as he licked between my breasts and slowly guided his mouth to one nipple and then the other. He continued to lick a trail down my stomach until he reached my pajama bottoms and slowly pulled them down. He inserted one finger inside me and pulled out a wet trail that ended up in his mouth.
“You don’t know what this means to me, you wanting me like this.”
“Let me show you, Alex.” I pulled his face up and kissed him while I undid the zipper of his jeans. He helped me undress him and sat on his knees in front of me, naked and gloriously beautiful. I pushed his shoulders down on the bed and straddled him.
“Isa, let’s go slow. I want to take our time. I want to cherish this moment. You don’t know how long I’ve waited for this.”
He groaned as I lowered myself onto him and rocked slowly back and forth.
“This won’t be the last time, Alex. I want to have many more moments like this. Please, I really need you now.”
He took this as his cue to lift me up and lay me on my back. We never broke contact as he lifted my legs over his shoulders and thrust deeply into me with such ferocity I screamed out his name while his mouth covered mine.
“I love you, Isabel. I love you so much.” And with that he shuddered and released himself into me, as I tightened my hold on him and took everything that he had to give.
By the time I woke up, it was 10:00 A.M. and Alex’s fingers were expertly giving me the best wakeup call ever.
“Hmmm,” I moaned. “How long have you been up?”
“About an hour. Just thinking and watching you sleep.”
“What were you thinking about?” My eyes were closed. I was breathing heavily and his hands were moving faster.
“Let’s talk later,” he groaned in my ear. “I didn’t get to make you come last night. I want to make it happen now. I want to hear you say my name again.” He didn’t need to keep it up that much longer.
“You feel so good, baby. I’m so close. I need you inside me now.” I was facing away from him so I reached over to pull his underwear down and guided him into me from behind. He continued to push himself into me until I couldn’t contain myself any longer.
“Alex! Oh! Alex!” Those three words were all he needed to empty himself inside me once again. We both didn’t move and he stayed the way he was for quite a while. There was such a comfortable silence between us, I didn’t struggle to make conversation or pretend that what happened between us was anything more than what it was. When we finally shifted, he spoke.
“Isabel, do you remember the first day we met? When Leigh and I went over to Jesse’s baseball game to pick you and Betty up? After we had dinner that night, I told Leigh that I was going to marry you.”
“You didn’t even know me then. What if I turned out to be some crazy psycho? Oh wait. I am a crazy psycho.” I laughed out loud and turned around to face him.
“I’m serious! Let’s get married. I’ve got a great job in my family’s company, I’m stable, I’m a good catch and I’m head over heels in love with you.”
“Alex, you’re so sweet! But I hope you’re kidding. We just got together!”
“That’s not necessarily true. We’ve been together for years. You just didn’t know you loved me until now.”
I didn’t know what to say to that.
“You do love me, don’t you?” he asked nervously.
“I love you as a friend. And I know I will fall in love with you. How could I not?”
He sat straight up, slid off the bed and started to put his clothes back on. “I’m so sorry, Isa. I was out of line there. I just remembered that I have a 2:00 P.M. meeting that I can’t miss. I’m gonna run. I’ll
call you later.” He was out the door before I even had a chance to respond.
I spent most of the day in bed with a throbbing headache. I knew I had to reach out to Alex, but I wanted to give him some time. I ended up being on the phone with Evie and Alicia telling them about the story I had read the day before. Surprisingly, they both took it better than I did. They said it was because my father had already explained things to them years ago. That made sense since they did grow up with his side of the family. I was awakened from a short nap by being bounced off the bed by someone jumping on it. It was Betty.
“Geez, B, you scared me!” I shrieked.
“Nice to see you too, Princess Isabel. Must be nice to be able to stay in bed and sleep all day.”
“Hey, I start my new job tomorrow. I was just trying to get some rest.”
“For your new job or from all that action last night?” She wiggled her eyes and smirked at me.
“Ugh. You spoke with Alex?”
“Yup. He doesn’t know what to think about what happened between you. By the way, I would have been there had he not told me that he would take care of rescuing you and taking you home.”
“I know that, B. I really need to speak with Alex. I didn’t mean to hurt him,” I muttered, my voice full of remorse.
“Wanna know what I think?”
“Please tell me what to do.” I searched her eyes for answers.
“I think you need to figure things out with yourself before you move forward with him.”
I nodded my head in agreement.
“Okay, now get up off your lazy butt and show me what you’re wearing tomorrow.”
Betty didn’t leave until after three movies, a late dinner and two weeks’ worth of wardrobe planning. I was exhausted, but I knew I had to call Alex. A text message wouldn’t do. I needed to speak to him directly. I dialed his phone number and he answered on the first ring.
“Alex.”
“Wow, you know your name.”
“Funny, Isa. What can I do for you?”
The Light in the Wound Page 13