The Light in the Wound

by Christine Brae

  I spent the rest of the afternoon welcoming aunts and uncles and cousins who were all joining us for dinner. I had one particular aunt, my mother’s younger sister, who was closest to me. We chatted for a long time about wedding dresses, venues, designers and the like. Alicia came over too, the first time she had been to the big house in a few years. My grandmother greeted her with open arms, and I was so happy that she was going to get the support system that she needed. It wasn’t necessarily about the financial aspect but more the foundation of a loving family for the sake of her children. We’d lived alone for so long that these weekend dinners were always a welcome event. I could tell that the lack of tension between my grandparents and my mother’s siblings was largely due to the fact that we were celebrating my engagement.

  “Isa, Jesse called me late last night, drunk out of his mind and blabbering about having seen you at the Four Seasons,” whispered Alicia, as she gently steered me away from our family members. We sat on the staircase that led to the maids’ quarters. It was dark and secluded; we used to hide there to tell secrets when we were children.

  “I know, Ali. It was so weird. I felt so guilty that it kind of ruined my moment with Alex.”

  “He was telling me that Alex had his hands all over you and that you were on your way to spending the night together. Sorry, Iss. I had to tell him you’d just gotten engaged. I thought that would justify the fact that you were seen on your way to a hotel room.”

  “Oh geez. Knowing Jesse, that only made it worse, right?”

  “Hell yes! He said that it wasn’t over between the two of you. That you were just taking a break.”

  The doorbell rang at about 5:30 P.M. and Alex was ushered into the sitting room. I rushed over to him and took his hand, making my rounds to the various family members and introducing him to everyone. My younger female teenage cousins gaped in awe when they saw him. He was, after all, so handsome. He kissed me on the cheek and caressed my hand as he respectfully held conversations with members of my family.

  “Alex, have you and Isabel set a date yet?” My grandmother asked as he greeted her.

  “No exact date yet, Mrs. Holtzer, but I’ve asked Isabel not to make me wait more than a few months,” he answered as he turned to smile warmly at me.

  “March 17,” I blurted out. Exactly three months from this day. He leaned over to kiss my head.

  “Wow. We don’t have much time, then,” my grandmother said, as she shuffled away to attend to dinner.

  “Don’t say anything,” I whispered. “I just had to get her off my case. We can make it later if you want.”

  “No, the only way that date can change is if we move it sooner,” he teased.

  The rest of the evening went well. The chef had decided to cook his famous Chinese food with Peking Duck and Beggar’s Chicken as his main dishes. Everyone was fussing over Alex and making sure that he ate enough. We left shortly after dessert was served with the promise to schedule two lunch hours from work to meet my grandmother at Pierre’s dress shop. I also said goodbye to Alicia, who was going to be moving back into the house sometime that week.

  By the time we arrived home, we were both exhausted and ready for bed.

  “Hi, Mellie, we missed you last night,” Alex joked as she met us at the front door to take our bags. I jabbed him on the chest as I giggled and gave Millie a hug goodnight before rushing upstairs.

  “What’s this?” I asked, as I walked toward a large brown box on top of my bed. From the look on Alex’s face, it was evident that the package wasn’t from him. I took the box in my hand and saw familiar handwriting on the front. “Issy” is what it said.

  “Open it, Isabel,” said Alex, his voice now somber and serious.

  “I don’t have to, A. I’m tired and just want to get some rest.”

  “Please, open it.”

  I slowly walked over to my desk to grab a pair of scissors. We sat together at the edge of the bed as I cut through the green ribbon that held the box closed. Inside the box was a scrapbook wrapped in pink tissue paper. Pink was my favorite color. Alex was silent as I lifted up the scrapbook and placed it on my lap. “The Story of Us” was neatly emblazoned on the front. I quickly leafed through the pages and found pictures and poems about the day we met, what we used to do together and our seven-year relationship. Jesse had included cards I had written him, hotel receipts and even key cards as well as little notes that I would leave in his books when we went to school together. There was one page that listed our First Times. That was the last straw for me. With Alex sitting right next to me, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t see, I couldn’t absorb anything. Nor did I want to at that point.

  “Babe, why are we doing this? Can I just put this away?” I looked at him timidly, embarrassed mostly about the innuendo symbolized by the hotel keys.

  “I’m gonna step out for a smoke for a few minutes. Be right back.” He got up from the bed and was out the door in a flash.

  I sat in silence for a few seconds before placing the scrapbook back in the box and shoving it into my closet. By the time I had showered and dressed in my nightgown, Alex was still nowhere to be found. I threw on a robe and silently walked down the stairs. The house was dark by now and I didn’t want to wake anyone. I tiptoed through the long hallway, opened the patio door and found him outside smoking a cigarette.

  “I was hoping you’d come and find me.” He smiled affectionately. His eyes looked exhausted.

  I looked at him lovingly, took the cigarette from his hand and took a puff for myself. “You said one cigarette. We should really quit together.” He took one more puff and snuffed it out in the ashtray on the table next to him.

  I straddled his legs on the chair and sat upright facing him.

  “I’m sorry, Alex.”

  “Please don’t leave me, Isabel. I can accept the history you have together, but I won’t accept a future without you. Stay with me.”

  This man had the capacity to make me forget that I was ever in love with anyone else. And yet, I couldn’t help but think about the life that I thought I was destined to have tucked into a little box in the corner of my closet. I was filled with overwhelming guilt about feeling the way I did. But I knew that I needed to show Alex just how important he was to me.

  I outlined his eyes with my lips and gently coaxed them shut. I kissed him deeply until I felt him grow hard underneath me. His hands were under my robe, exploring me. I unzipped his jeans and took him in.

  “Shhh. Baby, you have me. I love you. I’m right here.” I threw my head back and rocked him back and forth as he moved my hips up and down to meet his thrusts. I tightened myself around him, and when the time felt right, I leaned over to breathe these four words ever so softly into his ear, “Venga con migo, Alex.” He paused for a brief second, closed his eyes and said, “That was so hot, baby. I’m going!” And he muffled a groan as he drained himself once again inside of me.

  We started the morning out early to catch breakfast and spend time together before Alex had to leave for the airport. He insisted on driving by himself and said that I should really be resting before the beginning of another hectic week at the office. Because of the time difference, he planned to block some time during his day to call me. I could tell that he was torn about leaving.

  “Get that deal done so you can come home soon, okay?” I nestled my head on his chest as he enveloped me in his arms. We stood that way for a while until Bernard showed up at the door.

  “I love you, Isabel. Be here when I get back?” he mumbled into my lips.

  “I’m not going anywhere. Oh, except to see Pierre so we can get this wedding going.”

  He broke out into a big smile. I think that relieved him a little bit.

  Five minutes after he walked out the door, he called from the car.

  “Babe, is everything okay?”

  “I miss you already. I want to turn back and cancel the entire trip.” He sounded so conflicted, so lost.

  “I miss you too. I’m here. Do
n’t worry.”

  “I love you so much.” His words were filled with sincerity.

  “I love you too. Have a safe trip. Call when you land, okay?”

  I walked back up to my room to get my day going. I thought I’d work out for an hour and then finalize another speech I was writing for the Senator. My mother’s house had an indoor gym that was equipped with a treadmill and some weight machines. I was lucky enough not to have to exercise, but I did love a speed workout on the treadmill once in a while. That day was a good day to burn some pent up energy. I thought about the box in my closet. Somehow my desire to open it up made me feel unfaithful to Alex.

  Just as I held that thought, my phone beeped with another message. Alex, I thought. Not quite.

  JESSE: Can I call you now?

  Oh no.

  ME: Okay

  The phone rang immediately.

  “Hi Jesse,” I greeted him apprehensively. I was more guilty than nervous about hearing his voice.

  “Isabel, you got engaged to Alex?”

  “Yes. Last Friday night.”

  “Were you celebrating when I saw you?”

  “Jesse, what is this call about?”

  “You must be doing it with him a lot, huh? You love doing it.”

  “I’m hanging up now. Jesse.”

  And with that, I pressed END. END. END. Why can’t it just END?

  I stumbled into my closet and pulled the box out. I didn’t notice that I’d neatly wrapped the scrapbook back into its tissue paper. Slowly, I leafed through the pages. The hotel key. A picture of me trying to swing a bat. Pictures of me sleeping. My cover girl photo. Birthdays. Anniversary cards. And then this:

  If someone asked me what would be

  The perfect gift they could give to me,

  I’d ask them for a time machine

  And fix the things that could have been

  I’d use it to go way, way back

  When youth was something I didn’t lack

  Back to the time when I’d fly free

  And life was great just being me

  Have fun, enjoy and share each day

  With one who’d kiss my blues away

  Won’t dwell on anger, will not be sore,

  I’d laugh and dance, cry less, smile more.

  Fix my mistakes, turn them around

  And find a love that is not bound

  With someone whom I need not fear

  Who’d love and always hold me dear.

  But NOW is real, no time machine

  No going back to what could have been

  I realize this life I’ve had

  Still turned into good the things gone bad.

  For without all these, there’d be no you

  No one would love me the way you do

  No time machine, and yet you came

  My life has never been the same.

  He wrote this for me? My eyes were brimming over as I read the words again and again. And as if on cue, the phone rang.

  “Hello.”

  “Isabel, please don’t hang up. Please. I am so sorry. I really just wanted to hear your voice. I just got so jealous of you and Alex. It’s killing me. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

  “Jesse, we have to end this.”

  “Did you get my book? Is that what we’re trying to end?”

  “We ended this weeks ago.”

  “You tried to end it. It’s not over for me. You’re not over for me. What is it about him, Isabel? What is it about him that’s making you forget about me?”

  “Please, Jesse. I’m begging you. Unless we’re speaking as friends, I can no longer take these calls!”

  “If you feel that strongly about him, why are you crying?”

  “I have to go.”

  I knew I wasn’t going to hear from Alex until the next day, so I tried my best to keep myself busy. I went over to Alicia and Carter’s house to help her pack her things. We moved through the boxes rather quickly. She wasn’t in good shape, so I poured out all my energies into consoling her instead.

  “I should have listened to you, Isa, then I wouldn’t have had to go through all this. I am so sorry for not speaking to you for months that one time. You couldn’t stand him and tried to tell me.”

  “Oh, Ali, who would’ve known?” I exclaimed back. “I didn’t like him because he wasn’t a very nice person. But you loved him. And no matter what, you have your two beautiful children to prove that. They’re not mistakes.”

  “I know,” she agreed, still brooding. “Iss, what if you had gotten pregnant with Jesse? Would you have gotten married?”

  “Ali, I wanted to have his baby. So many times I thought I would just throw caution to the wind and have his baby. But I think subconsciously, I knew he was too ambitious to give it all up for me.”

  “Alex loves you so much.”

  “He does, doesn’t he? And he’s so hot.” We both laughed out loud.

  “You said that about Jesse too, though.”

  “Alex is hotter. Isn’t he?” More laughter.

  “They’re so different. Both so attractive, but opposite ends of the spectrum.” Alicia’s tone turned serious. “Isa, Jesse’s not going to give you up, I’m a little worried about that.”

  “Enough talking about me. Let’s finish this so we can check out a movie.”

  Alicia, Chelsea, Christopher and I spent the evening watching Toy Story 2 and Monsters, Inc. Chelsea had to wake me up twice during Monsters, Inc. and once during Toy Story 2. By the time the movies were over, I was ready to call it a night. I knew that Alex would be landing sometime in the next few hours, so I slept with the phone by my ear.

  Sure enough. 6:00 A.M.

  “Hi babe,” I gurgled into the phone.

  “Hi. I should have waited, but I had to hear your voice. Are you okay?”

  “Yeah. I should be getting ready for work anyway.”

  “I had a dream about you on the plane.”

  “Who dreams on planes?”

  “Okay, I didn’t really dream, I thought about you a lot.”

  “And?”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  “Hey, do you think the paper is out yet? The engagement announcement is set for this morning.”

  “I’ll check when I get off the phone.”

  “Do you think you can ask Mellie to bring it to you? I’d love for you to read it to me.”

  I punched the intercom buttons and mouthed to Mellie to please bring me the paper. I knew just where to look for it — the society pages, of course.

  “Oh wait ... I see it. What? How does he know what he’s going to be making for me, I haven’t even seen him yet!”

  “He’s Pierre,” Alex said in an exaggerated drawl. “Please read it to me?”

  “Okay.”

  “Venerable Businessman of the old school, Mr. Jack Holtzer and Mrs. Anna Holtzer announced the engagement of their granddaughter, Isabel Francesca Holtzer-Amarra to Alexander Martin Ailey, son of Mr. and Mrs. Matthew Ailey of Ailey Industries. The wedding will take place on Saturday, March 17 at the Cathedral of Saint Anthony. The bride will wear a Pierre off the shoulder gown with scalloped neckline in all white Guipure lace. A family heirloom tiara of diamonds will hold the layer illusion tulle for her veil. Reception will follow at the Four Seasons Hotel immediately after the ceremony.”

  “Ahhh. It’s official, Isabel.”

  “I still can’t believe he already knows what I’m wearing,” I whined.

  “Baby?”

  “Yes, A?”

  “Tell me you love me.”

  “I love you, Alex. I miss you so much.”

  “What are you doing today?”

  “Going over to Pierre to ask him why he told the press what I was wearing before telling me first.”

  Alex and I continued our lighthearted conversation. He was going to dinner with some clients and then prepping for the negotiations that were going to begin the next day. He and his
father were sharing a suite so they could hold meetings in their living room. Alex was a shrewd and intelligent businessman so I didn’t think many people knew how romantic and thoughtful he was underneath that steely exterior. He asked me if there was anything I wanted from Boston and I told him to find me the hot guy from AI who was there to purchase a building. I thought about telling him about Jesse but decided against it. There was no point in upsetting him while he was far away trying to concentrate on work. Besides, it was nothing to me. It wasn’t like what Jesse was saying or doing was going to affect how I felt about him.

  Right?

  “Voici mon secret. Il est tres simple: on ne voit bien qu’avec le coeur. L’essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.”

  —Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

  The next few days were hectic with work obligations and hours of meetings with Pierre, the caterer and the wedding planner. My grandmother and Mrs. Ailey were at every meeting, and it was actually a pleasure to have both of them with me. They got along swimmingly and were a little formal with each other, but it helped to ease the tension when they had different opinions. Mrs. Ailey asked me to call her Mom.

  Betty and Alicia were with me when we went to see Pierre. When I asked him how he knew what he was going to be creating for me, Betty pulled me aside and scolded me. “Isabel, don’t you know? He goes by inspiration and you’re not supposed to question what he decides to make for you. Don’t embarrass yourself. Just go with it.”

  I couldn’t just go with it. I asked him point blank about his intended creation.

  He looked at me and said: “I’ve seen your pictures in the magazines. You have long legs and a slim waist. Fantastic figure. Flawless skin, creamy smooth shoulders. Just like when your mother was your age. This design will look fabulous on you,” he declared as he held up a sketch of my dress.

  Spoken by the expert. I loved what I saw. Who was I to argue with him? When I relayed what he said to Alex, he asked, “Do I have to worry about him too?”

  Before I knew it, Alex had been away for a week. He called once or twice a day with updates on how the negotiations were going. They sealed the deal a few days into the trip and were now waiting to finalize all of the necessary paperwork. His dad had given him a sizable commission, which he said he was saving for our honeymoon.