“Did they mention Jesse at all?”
“They told me about how much he’s hurting.”
“How did the conversation end?” He sat straight up and emptied his glass of wine. I fed him a cracker with some cheese. “Mmm. That hit the spot,” he said.
“I asked them to be happy for me.” I suddenly wanted this conversation to be over.
“How do you feel about it? Are you okay?”
I paused for a few seconds. “I feel guilty for hurting them all.”
“Is it guilt that you’re feeling when you’re quiet and lost in your thoughts?”
“What do you mean?” I asked, worried that he had totally read my mind.
“Sometimes, even when we’re together, I still feel like I don’t have you. I can sense that you’re holding back.” His voice trembled.
“No, no, no, Alex. Oh please, no,” I whispered, as I instinctively held him closer, tighter to me.
“I still don’t have all of you, I know that. I know it will take time.”
“Baby, how can you be with me if you feel that way?” I asked, terrified that he might suddenly decide to walk away.
“Because every so often, you give me a glimpse of what it’s like to have you. You unsuspectingly open up to me and I see your heart. Sometimes, you let your guard down through your laughter, your giggles, your tears, your touch … seeing you in those moments gives me hope that one day you’ll truly let me in.”
He was absolutely right. Betty and my sisters had often pointed out the fact that I hadn’t given myself completely to him. I just didn’t know how. “I love you, Alex. Teach me how to show you so you don’t ever doubt that I do.”
“Babe, why do you love me?”
This suave, confident and successful man was suddenly meek and vulnerable and unguarded.
“Alex! What a question!”
“Humor me, baby, tell me why.”
“Hmmm. Let’s see, because you’re gorgeous.” I kissed him. “And you smell so good.” I nuzzled his neck. “And not to mention gorgeous.” I licked his lips.
“Iss, seriously?”
I laughed and once again gathered up my puffy skirt so I could straddle him face to face.
“A, you know why. I love you because you’re my best friend.”
“Am I also your lover?” He held my face and kissed me, and then pulled my strapless dress down to expose me.
“That you are. My one and only,” I purred.
“Iss? Have you taken your pill for today?”
“Nope. Not till before bed.”
“Don’t. I want to start making babies right now. Do you realize how beautiful our babies are gonna be?”
“Let’s hope they don’t get my family’s crazy genes.”
He stifled my laughter with his mouth.
“Love is a promise, love is a souvenir, once given, never forgotten, never let it disappear.”
—John Lennon
The next few days went by in lightning speed. Everything was an emergency; there were last minute decisions and changes regarding the principal sponsors’ outfits, even the food selections. I would have done away with too many sponsors, but it was a cultural tradition to have three couples who served as your godparents throughout your married life, stand by your side at your wedding. To top it all off, I had not yet seen what my dress was actually going to look like! Pierre had a way of keeping his little secret until the day of the wedding. Sure, I had seen sketches galore, different views, different versions, but the actual dress? I was told that I had fitted on the shell and that would be it. The dress would be delivered to me on the day of the wedding. And no matter how many times I called, they shrugged me off and assured me that I would love the dress and all would be well.
Here we were, one step closer to the big day. My grandparents’ house was prepared for one of the biggest social events of the year. Balls of light were strung high upon the coconut trees that lined the orchid garden. Lights were swirled around every tree. Tables with an unlimited variety of different food were set up all around the house. There were flowers floating in the swimming pool, the lanai was filled with tables enough to host 500 people. My mother had flown in from abroad the night before, and we were in my bedroom trying to find shoes to match the dress I was going to wear.
“Wow, Isabel, look at this closet!” my mother exclaimed as she pushed hanger upon hanger aside, pulling out dresses that caught her eye. “Your grandma and grandpa have really spoiled you, lucky girl.”
I was uneasy about her last statement. Somehow the look in her eyes told me she wasn’t genuinely happy that her daughter was garnering all this attention.
“Take what you want, Mom,” I answered, trying to appease what I was afraid might give rise to some sort of drama and a repeat of what happened at Evie’s wedding.
“Oh no, these won’t fit me. But look at these shoes! Did Grandpa buy these Ferragamos for you?” she asked as she tried on a pair of my favorite sage green patent flats.
“Yes, he did the last time we were in Hong Kong. Take them, Mom, I don’t wear them anymore,” I reiterated nervously.
She did take a couple of pairs that night.
Crisis averted, I thought.
Alex arrived a few minutes after I had gone downstairs and met me as his mother was introducing me to his family from out of town. He came directly from a client meeting looking as hot as ever in a suit and tie. Even Pierre was eyeing him hungrily. Alex grabbed my hand and gave me a quick kiss as he led me through different groups who were waiting to meet me. “My God. You look like an angel tonight. Have I ever seen you with your hair up like that?” He groaned as he pulled me tightly to him. I glanced around the room nervously, making sure that my grandfather was nowhere in our vicinity.
“Pierre made me do it,” I whined.
“This neck of yours looks delicious,” he murmured, as he nestled his nose under my ear.
I squeezed his hand and smiled.
It was a night full of various conversations, mostly about what we planned to do and where we planned to live. Alex had just closed another huge deal that day, which led to congratulatory praises being handed to him as we moved around to meet the various guests. My grandmother also invited some magazine reporters who were going to cover the events of the next two days. Needless to say, they requested an inordinate amount of poses for their pictures. We had quite a few of Alex and me, but most of them really wanted to focus their attention on my mother and me. They wanted to know what Claudia Holtzer had been doing away from the limelight all these years. How she hadn’t changed and how wonderful she looked. How much I looked like her.
“I’m afraid I can’t take too much credit for how Isabel turned out,” she told reporters. “She grew up partly with her grandparents, but mostly on her own. I am very proud of the young woman she’s become. Alex is a very lucky young man.”
My mother’s words touched me deeply.
By the time the evening came to a close, Alex knew that we couldn’t spend the night together with my mother in the house.
“Isa, wanna get out of here for a while?” His throaty voice rang in my ear as we finished up a conversation with some reporters. I nodded my head and pulled him to the front door. The valet pulled his car up to the front driveway and we hopped in and sped away.
“Where are we going?” I asked, giggling.
“Oh, anywhere away from all those people!” He laughed, as he turned the corner into a secluded cul-de-sac where houses were still under construction. “Let’s get in the back seat,” he commanded.
I slipped in between the console that separated the two front seats and he opened the side of the door by the driver’s seat and slid in. I sat on his lap and leaned my head on his shoulder.
“I needed this,” he whispered as he kissed me lightly on the lips. “It’s still so surreal to me that we’re getting married day after tomorrow,” he continued. “I can’t wait for you to be my wife.”
I was quiet.
&nb
sp; “Isa? You okay?” He was visibly nervous at my silence.
“Oh, yeah, I’m just so tired.” My mind was going a million miles an hour. Up to that point, I was still hoping to hear from Jesse. I felt like I had to give him the closure that he needed. Oh, who was I kidding? Maybe I needed the closure, not him.
“I know you must be exhausted, baby. I’ll take you back in a few minutes. Just sit here with me for a little while longer.” He was always so loving and considerate. What did I do to deserve someone like him?
I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. “Where are you going for your bachelor’s party tomorrow?” I asked, trying not to break the kiss.
“Some place downtown that Leigh arranged before he left for his honeymoon,” he answered, as he leaned back and stroked my hair.
“It’ll be fun to see the guys all in one place. Have fun, okay? It’s your last night as a single man,” I said lightheartedly.
“I stopped being a bachelor months ago, Isa. You make me so happy, do you know that?” he asked as he tucked a strand of hair behind my right ear.
“Alex? Are you okay with us living in the house for a while until we figure out what we’re doing? My mom leaves the day after the wedding, and Alicia will be alone in the house. I kinda wanna stay close since I’m all she has at this point.”
He shifted from his seat, lifted me up and lay me on my back with my head against the door. My legs were on his lap as he leaned forward to join his lips with mine.
“We’ll do anything you want, baby,” he mumbled. “I would live in a birdhouse if it meant being with you.”
Didn’t I say that to someone not too long ago?
By the time Alex dropped me off, the house was dark and quiet. Evie and Alicia were waiting for me in my bedroom, propped up on the bed watching television.
“Where’ve you been?” Evie asked, as she got up to give me a hug.
“Alex and I just went for a drive.” I started to undress and walked inside my dressing room. I was opening and shutting the drawers trying to find something comfortable to wear and yelled out to my sisters, “Ali, have you been borrowing my pajamas?”
“He was here,” Alicia’s voice quivered.
“Ali, really, I’m out of pajamas. Can you ask Mellie to bring some up?” I stuck my head out of the closet.
“Did you hear us, Isa? He was here,” Evie said solemnly.
“Who was here? Alex?” I was hung up on the missing nightwear.
“No, Isabel. Jesse was waiting here when we got home,” Evie continued. Her voice sounded dim and flat.
I walked out of the closet and sat down on the edge of the bed. “Oh. Why didn’t he wait?” I asked.
“Evie told him not to do this. That it was so selfish of him to do this to you when your wedding is in two days,” Alicia interjected.
My sisters were now on the bed. Evie was holding my hand, and Alicia was hugging me from behind.
“But I need to talk to him. I do.” I started to cry. “I just feel like there’s so much left unsaid. He needs to know what he means to me. I’m not throwing him away. I’m making a choice for my future.”
“Isabel, what do you really want?” Evie asked. Her face registered with genuine sadness. She stood up to grab some Kleenex from my desk.
Alex loves me. Remember how you got here.
“I love Alex. He’s so good to me. But I just want to have the chance to explain things to Jesse. I want him to move on, and I think that he needs to hear some answers from me before I get married,” I cried.
“Look, Isabel. Alex has his entire family here for the wedding. Everything has been set in motion. I don’t think there’s any turning back now. And if you see Jesse, we’re afraid you’ll change your mind. We’ve both seen how you are with Alex, how much Alex loves you. We don’t want you to ruin that by being impulsive,” Alicia said.
Evie was a little bit more vocal. “The damn President of the country is attending your wedding on Sunday, Isabel! Did you not see the traffic to the church today caused by her Secret Service men sweeping the place? It’s a little too late for that now. Grandma and Grandpa are vested in this almost as much as you are.”
As I leaned back and lay my head on the bed, my sisters followed suit and stayed on either side of me. “Eves and Ali, I know you’re both speaking to me from experience. But do we ever really know how things might turn out in the future? All we have is today. There are always going to be consequences to our choices, whether they turn out to be good or bad. I’m tired of taking risks with my heart. Alex loves me. He’s going to take care of me. I would never do anything to jeopardize what he’s given me,” I stated between deep breaths.
I knew they understood me. Evie sighed and got up to leave.
“Ali and I are next door if you need to talk. We’re going to leave now so you can get some rest. Goodnight, Isa. All our lives, we’ve only had each other — through thick and thin. Ali and I are with you every step of the way … no matter what.”
Needless to say, I hardly got any sleep that night. I had the same dream that I had months ago, but this time, I wasn’t on a carnival ride. I was running through a maze and there was no exit in sight. When I woke up the next day, I desperately tried to go back to sleep so I could find my way out. I was fully awakened by the shrill ringing of my phone.
“Hi, baby,” I rasped. It was Alex.
“Morning. What’re you doing today?” He sounded so awake.
“Nothing, really. Just a spa day and relaxing. I didn’t sleep well last night.” Oh no. Why did I just blurt that out?
“What’s wrong?” His concern was so evident. I knew why he had called.
“Nothing, babe. I think I’m just wired from all the excitement.” I slid my body on the bed and sat up.
“Can I see you today? I just got done working out. I can shower and be there in fifteen.” I could feel the tension in his voice.
“What’s this about? Are you okay?” Suddenly I thought, Oh no, he’s changing his mind?
“Isa, I was out for a run this morning and I got a sinking feeling that things weren’t okay with you. I’m afraid you’ll change your mind. That he’ll try something today to convince you not to go through with marrying me tomorrow.” His voice was soft and his words were somewhat halted.
“Please, babe. You shouldn’t be worrying about anything. I want you to relax, rest and enjoy your bachelor party with the guys tonight. We don’t have to see each other today. Spend the day with your mom. She’s been really emotional about everything. It will just make getting together tomorrow night that much sweeter.” I was making him a promise. “I love you, Alex.”
“I love you too, Isabel. In less than forty-eight hours, you’re going to be Mrs. Ailey.” His voice was noticeably calmer.
“Beloved when I look upon myself, I see that my intelligence and clarity is You
Everything that is precious in my worthless being is You.”
—Rumi
I spent most of the day with Evie and Alicia. Gracie spent the day visiting her dad, and my mom was out seeing friends with her husband. We relaxed by the pool and I was able to run five miles in the afternoon. I ran the route that Jesse and I used to take, secretly hoping that I would bump into him. Except for thinking about him for that one brief moment, it was nice to just have a day off. I was so thankful that Pierre, with all his bossy and mysterious ways, was handling the entire event without my involvement. That night, the three of us lounged on the patio and had a light dinner. I had my feet up on one of the rattan couches and was wearing the most comfortable pair of running capris and a tank top. We smoked a few cigarettes and drank some wine. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to handle a lot, so I had a ‘one glass and three cig’ limit. That was enough to make me feel relaxed. In fact, by 9:00 P.M., I was ready to call it a night.
“Sayonara, sissies. I think I’m going to bed to read a book and just chill,” I announced, as I stood up to leave. I paused for a moment, surprised by a flash of
lightning followed by a loud roar of thunder. “Didn’t they say that rain on your wedding day is good luck?” I teased.
“Grandma always said that. Money shall rain all throughout your married life, according to her,” Alicia mockingly snorted.
Evie was deep in thought and completely missed our rain conversation. “Great idea, Isa. Get that beauty sleep. Are you all packed for your honeymoon?”
“I brought out all the clothes I wanted to bring and set them aside for Mellie to pack for me,” I answered. “I guess I overpacked, and now I’m thinking that I should probably pack lighter and just buy stuff if I need anything while I’m there. What do you think?” I lingered around to hear my sisters’ thoughts on the matter.
“I think you should do that. You know you’re going to shop. You and Alex together in the world of couture. You’re going to shop, trust me,” Alicia chided.
“You’re right, Ali Bali. I’ll revisit my pile before Mellie gets into it.” I laughed. “Oh, speak of the dev- I mean the best nanny in the world.” I turned to find Mellie with a serious look on her face. I should have known. Mellie and bad news always went together.
“Ma’am Isabel, this came for you,” she said, as she held out a sealed white envelope in her hand. Her dark eyes burned with melancholy. I could feel it seeping into me.
I stood frozen in place as Evie reached out to take it.
“Are you going to read it?” she asked nervously.
“Yes.” I walked toward her and gently placed the envelope between my fingers. It was wet and flimsy and some of the ink on the front had smeared through the paper.
I moved back to the same couch I had gotten up from and sat down as I unfolded the envelope:
Dearest Isabel,
It seems that you are no longer taking my calls, and although I would like to think that you are merely missing them on your phone, I know this isn’t the case. As I write this letter, a picture of the beautiful, innocent young girl I met seven years ago emerges in my head. How much I miss that girl, and how desperately I long to see her, to hear her voice, to touch her and hold her. I remember how much you loved me, Isabel. How much you gave up for me. You stopped at nothing to make me feel loved and secure and I took it all for granted. Now I live with so much regret.
The Light in the Wound Page 21