“Hey guys, look what I found! They have our names on it!” She squeals in excitement. We are all dressed in sweatpants with our hair clipped up off our faces. A mere two weeks have passed and the dust that has accumulated in that closet is utterly disgusting. We gather around her dressing room as Ali hands them out. Each box has a fair amount of items; she made sure that things were divided equally. Bracelets for each one, rings and diamonds as well, and two watches for each of her daughters. Since my mother and I were the only ones to share a shoe size, I’m fortunate to be the recipient of all her designer footwear. Each daughter also received a batch of mementos that she had kept while we were growing up. I sobbed as I fished through the bottom of my box to find a torn and faded shirt from long ago. She had saved my “Pretty and Perfect” t-shirt all these years. We never really lived with her for long periods of time, but she had kept whatever she could during her brief time with us. We had also booked a trip to the beach house as a family, and she was looking forward to going there with us. In her closet are five long sleeved bathing suits (she hated the sun) as well as a matching beach bag and umbrella that she had saved for each of us. All these discoveries help to give me the peace of mind that my mother was looking forward to seeing us before she passed away. That she had the will to live and didn’t want to die. For some reason, it’s really comforting for me to know that.
The last piece in our three-week puzzle remains to be decided — which business to invest some of our excess funds in. At first, I refused to further entertain the thought of purchasing one of the businesses run by Jesse’s group of companies. We searched for other prospects, met with other companies. But the financial projections and off the charts prospectus for that one restaurant was just too good to pass up. Besides, I thought that since Jesse and Ali had maintained their friendship over the years, she could ask him to appoint someone on his staff to deal with us for the time being. I knew he wouldn’t refuse the offer. He’s a businessman after all, and this is a business opportunity. I left it to Alicia to manage, only interceding when I had financial questions regarding the terms of the proposed contract.
Two days before we leave, the lawyers are finally able to complete the paperwork to allow us to purchase a franchise that will be operational at the location of their choice in eighteen months. Jesse’s company’s lawyers require that the CFO be the main signatory on the contracts, so I’m asked to attend a meeting with them at their main office. When I ask who will be attending the meeting with me, Ali assures me that he isn’t going to be there.
“Isa, I don’t have to go with you. Jesse said his lawyers would handle it. He’ll be out of town traveling, so you won’t need to see him.”
Am I happy about that?
The meeting is scheduled to take place at 4:00 P.M. on a Thursday afternoon, and I’m in the car stuck in traffic. I’m supposed to meet our office secretary and corporate lawyer at the main office of Cain Inc., and I send a text message to let them know I’m running fifteen minutes late. I walk up to reception and am escorted to a conference room on the 50th floor. The room is surrounded by glass walls and is beautifully furnished in gray and silver tones. There is a large conference table in the middle made of wood and glass combined. The walls are a light gray with recessed lighting embedded within the molded ceilings. I want whoever designed this room to design my house, I ponder to myself. I need to ask the receptionist about that on my way out. One side of the wall has pictures of a large, beautiful and modern looking house on a hill. The opposite wall has framed architectural plans of what I believe could be the same house. I momentarily have a thought flash in my head, This reminds me of that glass house where Jess and I-
As soon as I take a seat, the company’s lawyers enter the room along with my staff, and we all move forward with our formal introductions. I’m fidgety and nervous, and my goal is to get out of there in fifteen minutes flat.
“Thanks for organizing this meeting, Attorney Langford,” I begin.
Attorney Langford, who is a beautiful woman, smiles warmly at me. “I’ve checked with Mr. Cain and the rest of the team assigned to this venture, and they’re okay with all of your suggested changes,” she confirmed.
I nod my head in relief. “Thank you,” I respond.
There is a prolonged silence as everyone passes the documents around to review and then they are passed on to me for signature. I confer with my lawyer to make sure that we are in agreement with everything. He lets me know that everything is fine to sign. A notary public is on hand to witness the signatures. Holy Cow. The amount of papers to sign is so staggering, it takes us twenty more minutes to sign on the line and initial every page. Once we are finally done, I look around the room and shake hands with everyone.
Attorney Langford takes my hand warmly and says, “It was so nice to meet you, Mrs. Ailey. Let me personally escort you back to the lobby.”
I nod and get up to leave. And in walks Jesse.
Jesse saunters in and everyone is scrambling to pack up to leave the conference room. He has a serious look on his face, and I am suddenly conscious of the fact that I am in a skirt and four-inch heels.
“Mr. Cain,” Attorney Langford addresses him. Jesse walks around the room to shake everyone’s hand.
When he gets to me, I reach out my hand and he pulls me into a hug. “Hi, Isa.” He turns to everyone else and says, “Thanks, everyone, for coming. I trust that we’re done here? Jennifer, were we able to discuss location with Is-, Mrs. Ailey? You probably haven’t yet, but I decided we should scope out the Greenbelt location for the franchise.”
Jennifer, a.k.a. Attorney Langford, is nodding her head.
“Jesse, that’s our most marketable location. That wasn’t up for consideration at all,” I respond.
“Setting up the restaurant there will guarantee its success. Let’s discuss this more, Isa.” And as he says this, he waves his hand as if to dismiss everyone else in the room. They all scurry out of his sight. “Please, Isa, have a seat. Let’s spend a few more minutes talking about this.” He sits at the head of the table and pulls out the seat to his right and offers it to me.
I feel snowballed and unprepared. My staff has left the premises.
“Jesse, I’m not prepared to discuss this today. I need to pull some numbers and get back to you. Let me take a look at some of the properties we have offered and I’ll call you while I’m in the States. I—”
He interrupts me. “God, you look amazing, Iss.”
I’m dumbfounded, but I’m no longer the girl without any quick comebacks. “You don’t look so old yourself, Jesse. Okay. Let’s keep this on track. I might be able to propose—”
“I don’t want to talk about that now, Iss. How’ve you been? I heard you were moving back.” He places his elbow on the table and leans in.
“I need to help manage my mom’s business now, and Alex is going to handle his dad’s affairs,” I answer.
Jesse stares off into the distance, contemplative and deep in thought. He absentmindedly nods his head. There is an uneasy lull in the conversation, so I look around the room and focus once again on the beautifully framed prints on the wall.
“Jess, that house is amazing! Do you know the owner?” I ask, a tad bit too excitedly.
He pauses for a moment. “It’s mine. I had it built three years ago.”
“Who’s the architect, I love it!” I try to be lighthearted about it. He seems to want this to be anything but, by the way he’s looking at me.
I walk over to the pictures and point at the magnificent rooftop on one of them. “Is that a Helipad? You have a helicopter? Sweet!”
Did I just say that? How old am I? Fifteen?
He rolls his eyes and nods his head again, obviously very bored with our topic of conversation.
“Yes, I have a boat, a helicopter and a plane. Wanna know what I named them all? Francesca I, Francesca II and Francesca III!” His voice is raised and he’s angry. He bangs his fist on the table, causing the pens to leap off the
surface and the papers to fall on the floor. “Jesus! To think I’ve built all this by dealing with all sorts of people and situations and yet YOU have the ability to break me, make me crumble into fucking pieces!”
I am agitated and upset now. “This conversation is over! Have your people call my people, and if the provisions of the deal are not satisfactory, I think I can look somewhere else to invest my money. Don’t start this, Jesse. Please don’t start this!” I immediately stand up and run for the door.
He chases after me and moves in front of me, so I walk right into him. Again.
“No, no, no, Iss. Please no — I’m sorry, please don’t go. I just want to talk. Just talk, that’s all. I can’t help that you make me feel this way, but I’ll try to calm down. Please.”
My eyes are full of tears and I’m shaking my head at him. “Jess, what’s there to talk about?”
“A lot of things. Please. Let’s sit back down, okay?” He leads me back to the table. This time I take a seat on the other side while he sits right next to me.
He does the Jesse thing where he holds his hand palm side up and waits for me to slip my hand in his. I do. If this is going to calm him down, I want to help him. He grasps my hand tightly and looks straight at me.
“Eddie could’ve been mine, you know.” He smiles as he’s saying this.
I laugh nervously. “Actually, he’s the spitting image of his dad.”
“Yeah, yeah I know. I’m kidding. When I saw him a few weeks ago, all that regret felt so new again.”
“I hear you’re dating someone. That’s good, right?” I ask.
“I guess. It took all these years to open up to someone again. She’s kind and loving and she doesn’t expect anything from me.”
“At some point in time, she’ll need to start expecting things from you. That’s just how it goes. And you’ll want to give her more. You’ll love her enough to do that.”
“You think so? She knows all about you and understands how long it’s been taking me to heal.” We’re still holding hands. I try to pull away, but he won’t let it go.
“I do. I’ve learned that giving your heart away to someone is the bravest thing you can ever do. The one moment that it’s cherished, no matter how brief, can help it to survive a lifetime.”
“You smoked the whole time we were together.” His statement sounds as if he’s revealing a fact I don’t already know. I smile tenderly at him and squeeze his hand.
“Ryan?” I ask.
“Ryan.” He nods.
“It was the only part of me I kept from you. The only secret I had. The only remnant of the old me,” I say softly. There’s a long pause. I know it’s because we’re both trying to compose ourselves.
He continues. “When did you stop loving me, Iss? Was it after that incident with Katrina Edwards?”
“I never stopped loving you, Jess. Alex stepped in and loved me so much more. If he didn’t show me how it is to be loved the right way, who knows? I really just got tired of waiting. You didn’t love me enough at that time and I didn’t want to force you into it. Does that make sense?”
He shrugs his shoulders. “I guess. All these years I was so sure you would wake up and come back to me. I would’ve taken you back in a second. But you never did. And I was unable to grasp the importance of the seven years and why we would go through that only to walk away.”
I think about that for a moment. “Maybe it’s made us better as people and that’s all we can really expect from it.”
“I loved you so much.”
“I loved you so much too,” I reply.
“I still love you.” He’s getting bolder by the minute.
“You can’t. If you don’t give it up, you’ll never find happiness.”
“Are you truly happy?” He’s still holding my hand and looking closely at it.
“I am. Since this is the last chance we might ever have to talk like this, I’m happy in a different way. I’m content. You can never replicate the feelings of a first love, Jesse. The passion, the elation, the sorrow, the pain. When it’s the first time, everything is so much more magnified. You feel like it’s the end of the world when you’re not together. A second love is more subdued. It’s more careful, more cautious. But it’s still love and when it comes with respect and admiration and friendship, it trumps passion and elation any time.” I choke up a couple of times. My wound is still open. I guess it will always be here.
He is silent for a while and a tear escapes from his eyes. He doesn’t try to wipe it, so I reach my free hand over to do so. As soon as my hand touches his face, he rubs it against him and kisses my palm.
“Jess? Where were you when you called me on the phone one night many years ago?” I ask.
“In Chicago. On the way to a business meeting in LA. I stopped over, hoping we could see each other.”
“Well, let me tell you. It’s a good thing you hung up that night! I was waiting for you to rescue me, but it was all in my head.”
“Glad to hear it wasn’t just all in mine.” He laughed. “Iss? How did you walk away from me after that last night?”
“Oh Jess. That night took so much from me. I had nothing left to give to Alex. We wouldn’t have survived if we hadn’t left for the States. You had me even after I got married. I had to slowly retrieve myself back so I could fully deserve the love that Alex had for me.”
“I don’t know whether to be happy or sad that you still loved me.” He still held my hand.
“Know that what we had was something special. It wasn’t just a fling. It was seven years of growing up together. No one can take that away from us.” Wow. I’m amazed at myself. I’m not crying. I continue, “Who knows? One day we’re going to have daughters and sons who’ll experience the same thing. We’ll be there to tell them to hold on to what’s real and true. That disappointments in life only make you stronger.”
He nods his head in agreement.
I have to ask him this question. Years ago, I would never have realized how this particular event affected me. But looking back, it most certainly did.
“Jesse, I need to ask you a question. Please be honest with me, okay?”
“Of course, Iss, what’s wrong?”
“The first time we made love, you never talked about it with me. I always felt like maybe in some way, you lost respect for me then? You never said a word after that, you never comforted me, and I was too embarrassed to bring it up. Why, Jesse?”
“Oh my God! Isabel! I’m so sorry if I hurt you in any way or made you think that you had done something wrong! No! I was, first of all, embarrassed about, you know, finishing so quickly. And then, with all the plans I had in my life, I was mad at myself because it placed me at the point of no return. Once I had you, I couldn’t go back to not having you. And I was afraid of getting you pregnant and ruining our future.” He moves closer to me to make sure I hear every word he says. He lets go of my hand and cups my face instead. “Oh, Isabel. No. I never lost respect for you. The times I cursed and yelled and got angry were nothing but bad temper on my part. I always felt horrible afterwards. It had nothing to do with you but everything to do with me.”
“Okay.” I smile. “Thank you for being so honest.”
“In retrospect, years after that, when you ended up with Alex, I wished I had gotten you pregnant. I wished we had a baby together. I thought if I wasn’t so careful, we’d be married with kids by now. All these years, I was bent on claiming you back. Taking you from Alex, believing that he stole you away from me. But during your mom’s funeral, as I watched how he treasured you, I realized that Alex actually saved you from me.”
“Alex brought me back to life.”
He shoots me a look filled with shame. “Do you regret anything that happened between us, Issy? I mean except for the no makeup, no skirt thing. I can’t believe how crazy jealous and controlling I was.” He tried to lighten things up by letting out a forced laugh.
“I am who I am now because of everything I went through i
n my life. No, I don’t regret a single thing.”
We spend more time talking about his business, his life now, and the new house he bought for his parents. Before I know it, it’s 6:00 P.M. and I know that Alex will be worrying about me. There must be a few text messages on my phone by now, but I don’t want to distract Jesse by pulling it out of my purse. I stand up to get the goodbye process going. I’m afraid I’m going to cry. This is going to hurt.
“Jess, I have to go now, okay? I’m so glad we got to have this talk. Let me look at the rest of the paperwork, and I’ll call your lawyer from Chicago.”
He mumbles quietly, “I don’t care about that. Pick whatever property, Isa. I don’t care about that. I don’t care about anything.”
He steps up to me and holds me close while he takes my face in his hands. In this instant, I swear I’m that same sixteen-year-old girl who is hopelessly in love with this boy.
“Isa, when we see each other again, whether it’s tomorrow or next week or years and years from now. Whenever you see me. Look into my eyes from across the room wherever I am, wherever you are, and know that I LOVE … YOU. That’s never going to change. Look into my eyes now and feel it. It will always be only you, no matter what, no matter when.”
I wrap my arms around his waist and hold him close. “Thank you, Jesse.”
I take a step back and turn away from him, afraid to hurt him more than I already have.
As I reach for the handle of the sliding door, I pause as he calls out to me. “Isa? I just want you to know, there was never anybo-- there will never be. Nothing, not all this, everything I have, I’d give it all up-”
I cut him short and smile. I know I’ve smiled before, but this time it feels different. I don’t hurt. I don’t bleed. I love him. But it no longer threatens my love for Alex. My wound is finally healed. There may be a scar but it serves its purpose to remind me of the undeniable love that we once had. A love I’ll never forget.
“I know, Jesse. I know.”
The Light in the Wound Page 26