by Lucy Ivison
‘Are you OK?’
‘Yeah, I’m fine. I …’
But I couldn’t stop. Every time I tried to speak it seemed to make it worse. I could feel snot coming out of my nose. I didn’t even have a cardigan. I just wiped it with my hand. The crying and the trying and failing to speak seemed to go on for ever. He didn’t move. He didn’t touch me. Not even a hand on my arm. He just stood there, in his own little circle of space. Like the moon orbiting the earth. He is the stillest person I have ever met. Maybe he would have stood there all night watching me blubber. In the end his lack of response became so noticeable that it made me pull myself together. Like he coaxed me out of my hysteria though playing social-nicety ‘chicken’.
‘I’m so sorry. I think I’m just tired.’ The socially accepted excuse for being mental.
He nodded. No words. But I saw his eyes notice the hedgehogs with bagels.
‘I’ve lost everyone. And I’m locked out. Do you know where Grace and Tilly are?’
‘No. Me, Jordan and Harry split from the others.’
He looked across at the bar. I could see the outline of Jordan pulling some girl. Casper was the only one not pulling someone. He would have every right not to want to hang out with me after yesterday, but I couldn’t bear the thought of being left alone again.
‘Do you want to get a doughnut? I saw this man selling hot doughnuts.’
He nodded but then I remembered.
‘Except … I don’t have any money.’
And then he smiled. Just a tiny bit. He couldn’t help it.
I linked his arm and we walked down the street. His quietness seemed to feed my confidence and I started jabbering away. We bought the doughnuts and I told him about messing up my History exam.
Gradually he talked more and held my gaze. I told him about wanting to see some of the island and he showed me a tree at his hotel with this weird waxy stuff trickling down it. We wondered if it was amber.
From out of nowhere, when we were huddled together looking at the bark, he said, ‘If you don’t have anywhere to sleep you can stay in mine and Jordan’s room. I mean, Jordan probably won’t … come back …’
‘Thanks.’
It wasn’t really that weird. Neither of us said ‘just as friends’. It didn’t need saying.
The room stank of boys’ feet and stale beer and there was sand all over the floor and in the sheets. I clambered gratefully into bed.
‘I’d offer you pyjamas but …’ We both looked down at the bagel-munching hedgehogs and laughed.
We lay in the dark, which wasn’t really dark at all because of the lights from the clubs. I felt like it was a ‘now or never’ moment. I wanted to be brave and actually verbalize an unsaid thought for once in my life. I wanted to be someone who actually had guts.
‘I’m sorry I kind of blanked you yesterday at the club, I just felt really awkward.’
‘It’s OK.’
‘I just … I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m not really enjoying … Everything is going wrong …’
And then I told him. About Freddie and my virginity curse, about Stella and the dress. And Sam and the buried night. And about Pax. And how he had wanted to kiss me. About feeling ugly and pale and fat. About being scared I’ve failed my A levels. About feeling guilty that I’m so moody at home sometimes. It felt like I was confessing. But mostly it just came back round to Stella.
‘I think I hate her. But if I hate her then who do I actually like?’
We were both just lying staring up at the ceiling. We didn’t turn to face each other. I thought he wasn’t going to say anything for a bit but he’s someone who only speaks when they know what they’re going to say.
‘Stella is just one of those girls. You keep saying about her being stunning. And she is really fit. But so are you, Hannah. Pax wanted you because you’re pretty and smiley and actually nice.’ He laughed. ‘Blanking me last night excepted. Because you didn’t leave your mate to puke her guts up alone. If you want to be Stella so much then just be her. It’s not like it would be that hard. Getting boys to want you isn’t hard. They already do. You just think they don’t. You’re in her shadow because you choose to be there. Just tell her to fuck off. Or don’t. Whatever. Pax might want to sleep with her but it doesn’t mean he thinks she’s cool.’
I just lay there. And I realized he hadn’t told me anything about himself, or that I’d rambled on so much he hadn’t had the chance. But maybe he didn’t want to. We fell asleep as the sun was coming up.
If Jordan was shocked, or even vaguely interested in the fact that I was in his bed when he walked into the hotel room the next day, he didn’t show it. He smiled, took his T-shirt off and walked into the bathroom.
‘Your mates are looking for you, Hannah,’ he shouted through the door. ‘I met them earlier and they asked me if I knew where you were. Can’t believe Pax and Stella threw you out. That’s well harsh. They should have known ol’ Casper would come to the rescue.’
‘He’s my knight in shining armour,’ I shouted back. ‘You actually are.’ I said quietly, just to him.
I knew it would be a massive drama. I had a sinking feeling about it in my stomach. Like being in trouble at school. I walked slowly back towards the hotel. I saw them before they saw me. All huddled together, with the rest of the boys. Grace saw me first and ran over. She hugged me. The others followed.
Stella spoke first. Of course.
‘Are you alive? We have been looking for you for hours. Literally hours. Where have you been? I thought you were dead and that someone had dismembered your body and fed it to one of those mangy street cats.’
‘I’m alive.’ No thanks to you, I thought. I didn’t say any more. I channelled Casper. I wanted her to work for it.
‘Well … Where were you?’
‘I stayed with Casper.’
Pax narrowed his eyes and stared at me. Then he looked down at the floor. The other boys all started laughing.
‘Fucking hell. He’s a dark horse.’ James was clearly shocked, even if Jordan hadn’t been.
Pax looked back up at me. I could tell he was surprised. The other boys started messing about making stupid jokes but Pax stayed silent, looking at me every so often. Grace, Tilly and Stella were trying to read me. I could have gone into a massive explanation about how nothing had happened, but why should I? They would know soon enough. If Stella wanted a drama, I would give her one. I knew the girls were desperate to quiz me. They would know we hadn’t slept together, whatever the boys might be thinking.
I went back to our room. The dress was on the floor in a puddle. I didn’t pick it up. I sat on the end of my bed and prodded it with my foot. The image of Stella falling backwards in it and taking Pax with her replayed in my mind.
There was a knock on the door.
‘Han?’ It was Tilly.
I opened it and she walked in, beach-ready, her bikini on under her dress and her stripy cotton tote filled with towels and magazines.
‘We’ve found a place on the beach. I was just coming to get you so you wouldn’t get lost again.’
‘I didn’t get lost. What was I supposed to do? Sit there and watch?’
‘We were all really worried.’
‘I couldn’t find you, I looked for you everywhere. Where were you all?’ I wasn’t that angry any more, but I didn’t want to let it go just like that. I wanted to stand up for myself a bit.
‘We thought you were asleep, Han. We obviously didn’t know you were wandering around …’
‘Yeah but Stella knew. I didn’t have my phone. I was in my pyjamas. I literally looked like Cathy from Wuthering Heights wandering around looking for my long-lost love.’
‘Come on, you love those pyjamas. I swear you wore them to mufti day once.’
‘No, I wore them for the getting-ready-for-bed race for Comic Relief. Which is a bedwear-themed event.’ I looked at her and we laughed together.
‘I’m sorry, Han. It must have been really shit. I w
ould have freaked out. So … what happened with Casper? All the blokes are making out like you slept together.’
‘Eugh, boys are so gross. Maybe I should just sleep with him. At least he’s actually interesting. I dunno exactly what I think I’m holding out for.’
‘Your lobster.’
‘Well, I suppose we are at the seaside.’
We laughed again, and suddenly that memory of Toilet Boy in the wet room flashed across my mind.
‘What’s Stella doing anyway? She’s finally slept with Charlie and now she’s getting with someone else.’ I didn’t say Pax’s name.
‘Yeah, I know. They didn’t do it last night though.’
For some reason I felt relieved.
‘They did other stuff.’
I felt weird again. The word ‘stuff’ can pretty much mean anything depending on how you say it.
I put on my bikini, packed a bag with Ariel, Mansfield Park and a packet of Starmix, and we left.
When we got to the little camp they had made on the beach I walked past Stella and over to Casper, but I didn’t sit down.
‘I’m going to go rock-pooling,’ I said.
‘What?’ Grace sounded confused.
‘I don’t like lying on the beach all day. I want to do something. Go exploring.’
Casper stood up and put his flip-flops on. ‘Yeah, I’ll come,’ he said.
Pax looked up. ‘Sounds good. I love rock-pooling. And you’re in safe hands with Casper and me. We’ve been rock-pooling since birth.’ He stood up and shook out his T-shirt.
Stella put her magazine down. ‘Are we all, like, five years old? Pax, maybe the point of their expedition isn’t to actually go rock-pooling. Whatever rock-pooling is.’ She looked at him pointedly, like he was a bit dense. She knew there was nothing between Casper and me.
Tilly and Grace didn’t say anything but the boys laughed. Pax stood holding his T-shirt. It was the first time I had seen him look embarrassed.
‘Don’t be stupid. Anyone can come.’ I said it to all of them but I was aiming it at Pax. I half wished he’d come just to piss Stella off. ‘There’s a shop up there that sells buckets and spades and fishing stuff.’
‘We could get a mask and some flippers,’ Casper added.
Stella snorted loudly. I knew she felt uneasy.
Casper picked up his wallet. ‘Come on, cuz,’ he said to Pax. ‘You only have a five-minute attention span. You’ll get bored lying on the beach.’
Pax looked down at Stella. She snatched her sunglasses off and rolled her eyes at him. ‘Oh my god, Pax, just sit down. You can’t seriously want to go off playing with buckets and spades. Plus, I really need someone to do my back.’ She tapped her bottle of sunscreen impatiently.
‘Yeah, OK,’ Pax muttered. ‘See you later then, guys.’ And he sat down obediently next to her.
As we walked away up the beach Casper said, ‘Wow, your friend Stella is pretty full-on. Pax is more under the thumb than my dad, and he’s only known her forty-eight hours.’
I laughed. ‘Yeah, that’s the Stella effect, all right.’
Pax was beginning to seem more and more like one of those Greek god statues you see in museums; nice to look at, but not much going on inside.
We walked beyond the end of the strip and on to beaches that were deserted except for the odd swimmer or group of Greek kids playing. We bought ice cream and dipped the Starmix in it and realized that we couldn’t hear the thud of the music any more.
We saw a family of crabs. Casper said he was going to uni to do Marine Biology. We talked about potential A level failure backup plans. I suggested Casper could go and work at SeaWorld in Florida and he said I could be one of those people who dresses up in period costume and shows people round stately homes.
We got to a place where a line of tumbled rocks made the beach impassable. A group of young boys were climbing up and jumping into the sea. A tiny little kid clambered up really high – he must have been thirty feet above the water.
‘Oh god, I can’t look,’ I said. ‘It’s actually making me feel queasy. What if there are rocks under the water? Should we stop him?’
But he leapt off, his tiny body clearing the rocks at the base and plopping into the sea. And then he swam back to the surface and heaved himself on to a rock and started scaling the cliff again.
‘I can’t believe they’re not scared.’
‘Well, it’s a calculated risk,’ said Casper. ‘He’s seen the other boys doing it, so he knows he’ll land safely, as long as he clears the jump.’
‘Yeah, but it’s so high and he might not clear it.’
‘That’s why it’s exciting.’
We watched them for ages. And then they finally got bored and wandered away.
‘What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done?’
Casper shrugged. The sun was lower in the sky and turning it magenta. ‘To answer honestly I’ll need time to think about it.’
I looked at the cliff. ‘Shall we do it?’
‘All right.’
Climbing to the top ledge was mission enough. When we were standing on it I started to shake. It was so much higher than it looked from the beach.
‘You need to make sure you take a really big, confident step out, OK?’
‘OK, OK.’ I could hear myself getting hysterical.
‘Because you have to jump far enough out to clear the rocks at the bottom. As long as you do that you’ll be fine.’ He felt for my hand. ‘Right, I’ll count to three.’
‘All right.’
‘One, two …’
‘Stop, stop! I need more time to psych myself up.’
‘That will just make it worse. I’m jumping this time and you either jump with me or you jump alone.’
‘OK.’
We both took a tiny step further towards the edge. He squeezed my hand.
‘One, two … three!’
And we both jumped at exactly the same time. I held his hand for as long as I could before the descent tore us apart. I screamed loudly as I fell, hit the water and plunged deeper than I ever have before. The water swallowed me up and then the cold and the dark spat me back out and my head resurfaced. I hadn’t been expecting the freezing water and I made weird gasping, squealing sounds.
As we clambered back on to the beach, I said, ‘I wish we had got someone to take a picture. To prove to everyone I actually did it.’
‘Why would anyone think you didn’t? It would never occur to me that you wouldn’t do that. Stella maybe. I don’t think Stella’s the cliff-jumping kind.’
‘Stella is fearless, actually.’
‘Yeah, I can see that too. We don’t need a photo because we were both there and we can both keep it alive for ever.’
It felt like an admission that we were going to be friends after the holiday and beyond. He is the first boy friend I have ever had.
It felt like the dress night had drawn an invisible line between me and Stella. Or maybe just inside me. But maybe it was so invisible only I had actually noticed it.
We spent the last few days on the beach, swimming and reading magazines. We wandered round the gift shops and all bought matching bracelets. Slowly, Stella and I found a rhythm again. A new, more formal and tentative one, but one that we both knew would come right. Neither of us mentioned the dress. It had been packed away into my suitcase, along with everything else that had happened that night between us, never to be spoken of again.
I did some things on my own. I finished my books, and went and petted the donkeys, and swam far out to sea with the flippers we bought. We hung out with the boys and, on the day of their flight back, Pax gave Stella his favourite hoodie as a goodbye present, and Grace told James she was with Ollie and that pulling him (James) had been a drunken mistake.
Grace had planned to call Ollie to confess all but it had gone wrong because he’d called her first and offered Stella and me his two tickets to Woodland Festival. He and his brother had been set to go with Grace and Tilly the w
eek after we got back from Kavos, but apparently they hadn’t bothered to check with their mum, who’d told them they couldn’t miss their cousin’s wedding just to get pissed in a big field.
It’s pretty hard to confess all and then accept two hundred pounds worth of festival tickets, so Grace decided to keep it to herself and, all of a sudden, the four musketeers were going to Woodland. Me and Stella agreed to go because we couldn’t not, really, and outwardly the four of us were still all the best of friends.
On our last day in Kavos, Stella got stung by a jellyfish and sat on the beach in Pax’s hoodie looking murderous. The old me would have sat by her side, loyal to the end without even thinking about it.
I wanted to say ‘You OK?’ in that fake passive-aggressive only-girls-can-hear-it voice. But I couldn’t. Because I have known Stella for ever and there is a part of me that knows only I see her as she really is, and that maybe somehow she knows that. So I ran back to the room and got the antihistamine my mum had given me, did impressions of Kourtney Kardashian giving birth and read Ariel to her in the voice of Donkey from Shrek.
I was wearing a bikini I had bought in a shop the day before. A proper, neon, look-at-me H&M bitch face bikini. To be honest, it was the bikini of a girl who had lost her virginity long ago, but I wore it anyway.
10
Sam
We’d only been in the car twenty minutes before Ben passed out. Completely out. Chris slapped him full in the face and he didn’t even twitch. Although, since he started chain-smoking spliffs as soon as Robin put the key in the ignition, I suppose twenty minutes of consciousness was actually pretty good going. Chris put Robin’s novelty Rasta hat next to him in case he woke up and vomited.
Robin’s driving, which is erratic at the best of times, was bordering on suicidal as we hit the motorway and headed west towards Woodland Festival. I began to worry that his mum’s Corsa wouldn’t make it back in one piece.
He was properly excited about the festival. We hadn’t been to a festival together – him, me and Chris – since Reading when we were fifteen, but that doesn’t really count as we were only there for about five hours because our parents wouldn’t let us camp.