by Lucy Ivison
‘You’re glowing,’ Tilly announced.
‘I’m not pregnant.’
‘Yeah, but you’re in love.’
I didn’t even deny it. I knew I wasn’t actually in love. Because we hadn’t known each other long enough, but it did feel special.
I couldn’t look at him at first and when he came over and kissed me on the cheek we both acted cool, like we were friends who had just happened to bump into each other. And we made stupid small talk, and then his mate Robin came over and kissed me on both cheeks and ruffled Sam’s hair and said, ‘This guy … what a guy. He is … What can I say? You couldn’t wish for a nicer fellow.’
Sam laughed. ‘Shut up, Robin.’
Their hot friend, Chris, cut in next. ‘This guy. I tell you, if I was going to get it on with any bloke in this room … it would be Samuel Eugene Moran.’
‘Your middle name’s Eugene?’ I giggled.
Sam slapped Chris on the back. ‘Thanks for that, mate. Appreciate it.’
‘No worries, Eugene, old son,’ said Chris, thumping him on the shoulder.
‘Let’s hug,’ said Robin. ‘GROUP HUG!’
He dragged me in with him, Chris and Sam, and we all laughed.
We danced together and everyone dressed up and took photos. On the wall, there was a gallery of polaroids from the night before. I found the one of me and Sam. We looked really happy. When no one was looking, I pulled it off the wall and put it in my pocket.
I noticed Robin talking to a girl and Stella clocked it too. We danced and danced and the boys danced too. Sam was next to me.
‘Right,’ he said, ‘let’s dance like … an old couple on a cruise.’
And he put his hand around my waist and took my other one and we waltzed around.
‘Oh Beryl,’ he said in an old-time American accent. ‘You do look a dream this evening, darling.’
Even when he called me Beryl my cheeks burned.
‘Now hippies at Woodstock.’
And we swayed, made peace signs and twirled around.
‘Hip hop gangsters.’
Nothing could have been more ridiculous, but I had a go anyway.
And then right in the middle of me doing some aggressive hand gesturing, he put his arms around my waist and I felt sick. Because even though we had kissed loads and almost had sex, I still felt nervous in that moment.
My ears were so hot, I wondered if he had noticed. And my mouth went dry. He turned me round by my waist. And I put my arms around his neck and then he kissed me. He felt damp and smelt like sweat and mud. And then after he kissed me he smiled at me. No one has ever smiled at me after kissing me.
I felt an arm around my waist.
‘Toilet Boy,’ Stella said to Sam. ‘You can’t hog Hannah. We’re going to play I Have Never.’ We went over to where the others were sitting in a huddle.
Stella explained the rules, even though I’m pretty sure everyone there had played it before. ‘We go round in a circle and take it in turns to say something we’ve never done. So, for example, I might say that I’ve never been to America. And if you have been to America, you have to drink.’
‘Robin would be drinking on that one,’ said Chris, nudging Robin in the ribs. ‘He’s just got back from America, haven’t you, mate? Which theme park did you go to again?’
Robin looked down at his drink. ‘Nowhere. Doesn’t matter. Let’s just play the fucking drinking game.’
We all sat on the floor cushions. Sam sat next to me, close enough to touch my hand every so often and smile at me some more. Robin started with, ‘I have never kissed anyone in this circle.’
And Sam and me drank. And then I looked up and saw Stella was drinking too.
Stella said, ‘I have never had sex.’
And everyone drank except for me, Sam and Tilly. Everyone made cooing noises, even the boys, although theirs were of the piss-take variety. Their mate Ben, who seemed to be perman ently stoned, said, ‘Well, you know what they say, there’s no time like the present.’
‘You should be drinking, you big sex zombie!’ Stella yelled at Tilly.
‘What’s a sex zombie?’ said Robin.
Tilly went red and downed her drink. Grace went next.
‘I have never cheated in an exam.’
Grace is so sweet. Everyone drank except Sam, me and Grace. Stella was in her element, and Robin was getting more and more into her. I noticed them catching each other’s eye every few minutes. It was obvious they were going to pull.
Scanning the tent I suddenly saw the outline of someone I recognized. Tall and muscular and tanned. I knew who it was before he turned around. Pax. My stomach lurched. He was wearing a tatty black T-shirt, mud-specked wellies and camouflage shorts. I couldn’t help thinking how fit he looked, and about how just finding him fit made me feel guilty. I turned around to see if Stella had noticed him. She hadn’t, but Grace definitely had. Her eyes were wild as she grabbed my shoulder and whispered through clenched teeth.
‘James is over there!’
I had been so consumed by the sight of Pax that I hadn’t even spotted James, Harry and Jordan standing next to him near the speakers.
‘I’m freaking out,’ hissed Grace. ‘I thought I’d never see him again!’
She turned her head and let her hair fall over her face as a disguise.
‘I feel so awful about pulling him, and Ollie wrote me this letter last week about how he wants us to stay together through uni and be together for ever. I really love him, Han.’
Her eyes were glistening. Grace is the overreaction queen. I had to get her outside before she either cried or hyperventilated. I tapped Sam on the shoulder.
‘Me and Grace are just going to the toilet. We’ll be back in a second.’
Sam kissed me on the cheek, then cupped my face in his hands and kissed me again, this time on the lips.
‘I’m so glad this finally happened,’ he said.
‘Me too,’ I smiled as Grace led me toward the exit.
Sam
I wasn’t trying to act like her boyfriend. It just sort of … came naturally. I didn’t even think about putting my arm around her or kissing her – I just did it because it felt good.
As soon as we met up in that Mad Hatter’s Tea Party tent, Hannah and I both started getting stick from our mates about how coupley we were being. Neither of us cared, though. We couldn’t stop smiling. Or squeezing each other.
At one point, Robin even took me aside like a proud dad and said, ‘She’s all right, you know. You two are quite sweet together.’
‘Cheers, man,’ I said, not quite able to look him in the eye. ‘I really like her. I don’t think I’ve ever liked anyone like this.’
‘It’s good,’ he said, eyes on the ground, but smiling. ‘It’s really good, man.’
There was a pause and then he blushed and grunted and punched me in the kidneys, before running off to flirt with Stella. He was flirting with Stella a lot. I was secretly quite grateful as it took a lot of the focus off me and Hannah.
While we just occasionally pecked each other’s cheeks or held hands, Robin and Stella were running about punching, scratching and mercilessly mocking each other in an entirely unsuccessful attempt to mask the obvious sexual tension between them.
I was about six gin and tonics deep when Hannah went outside to the loo with Grace. It was just me, Stella, Tilly, Robin and Chris left sitting there. Ben had gone outside in search of Rizlas and not come back. He was almost certainly standing near a DJ booth somewhere, nodding furiously.
We were just starting another round of I Have Never when Stella suddenly jumped up off the grass and started waving her arms, trying to get the attention of a stupidly good-looking bloke who was navigating his way through the heaving, swaying crowd. He looked like the sort of guy you see in adverts for River Island. Or at the parties in Made in Chelsea. The sort of guy that would give Chris confidence problems. He didn’t really look real.
‘Oh my god, Pax!’ screamed Stella
, desperately flailing her arms about as he finally clocked her. ‘This is so random! What the fuck are you guys doing here?’
Me, Robin and Chris all mouthed ‘Pax?’ at each other.
‘Just when I thought Panda had the Stupidest Fucking Name at the Festival Award all sewn up,’ I whispered.
‘Panda’s got nothing on Pax,’ Chris laughed.
‘Yeah,’ said Robin, eyeing Pax up warily. ‘If your parents christen you Pax, then clearly you’ve got no other choice in life other than to become an absolute bell-end.’
After muscling his way through a sea of drunk and dancing bodies, Pax was suddenly upon us. Stella leapt into his (admittedly sizeable) arms and squeezed him tightly. He didn’t look totally comfortable with this; he bent his head back to avoid the most of her cheek-kisses and forced a smile that was only a centimetre away from a grimace.
‘Who the fuck is this dickhead?’ whispered Robin, who had now upgraded from wary to really pissed off.
Chris and I shrugged. Robin is used to being the centre of attention in social situations. He wasn’t enjoying playing second fiddle to a Made in Chelsea extra. I hadn’t seen him this angry since Year 8 when Alex Harvey told him the Sorting Hat would have put him in Hufflepuff.
Stella didn’t make the introductions. After twenty seconds of heavy flirting, she sent Pax back off to the bar, not taking her eyes off him the entire way. When he was out of sight, she sat back down next to us and sighed heavily.
‘Sorry about that,’ she laughed. ‘That’s Pax. A really good friend.’
‘Pax?’ snorted Robin, not hiding his contempt particularly well. ‘Is that short for Tampax?’
‘No, actually,’ sniffed Stella. ‘It’s Latin for “peace”. What’s “Robin” Latin for?’
‘It’s Latin for “What kind of pretentious twat has a Latin name?”’ said Robin and shot me a wink as if to suggest this was a devilishly clever comeback.
I winced at him to let him know I wasn’t entirely convinced.
‘Where do you know this Pax from, then?’ asked Robin, making air quote marks around Pax’s name.
‘We met in Kavos. And you don’t have to do that,’ said Stella, mimicking his finger punctuation. ‘It is actually his real name.’
‘I should fucking well hope so,’ said Robin. ‘Being given that name is one thing. Giving it to yourself is quite another.’
‘Shut up, Robin,’ Stella snapped.
Me and Chris raised our eyebrows at each other. They’d gone from newly-weds to bitter divorcees in a matter of seconds.
At this point, Pax strolled back from the bar with some equally ridiculously good-looking friends in tow, his hands and pockets clinking with bottles of pear cider. Just as Robin, Chris and I were getting ready to snub him, he handed us a bottle each.
‘There you go, guys,’ said Pax. ‘I thought I’d get a round in. Any friends of Stella’s are friends of mine.’
Chris and I instantly decided we couldn’t go through with the snub after a gesture like that, so we leapt up and shook all their hands. Robin, however, was not to be won over that easily. He grabbed the cider off Pax but stayed sat down, which looked a bit odd as all eight of us were now standing up in a circle around him.
‘You all right down there, mate?’ said one of Pax’s friends.
‘Hm?’ said Robin, pretending not to hear. ‘Yeah, mate, I’m cool. Just not really on a standing vibe.’
‘Too pissed to get up?’ laughed another of Pax’s friends. ‘Like it.’
‘I can get up if I want,’ snapped Robin. ‘I’m just more into sitting down right now. I feel like standing up’s been “done”.’
Chris bent down to Robin’s level. ‘Robin, stop being a tit and stand up,’ he hissed. ‘He’s just bought you a cider.’
‘So, just because he bought me a cider, that means he’s all right, does it?’ Robin fired back. ‘I’m sure Hitler bought his fair share of ciders, Chris. I suppose that makes him a decent guy in your book, does it?’
‘Yeah, good point well made,’ said Chris, tousling Robin’s hair. ‘You stay down there.’
Stella hadn’t even noticed Robin wasn’t up at her eye level. She had her sights firmly set on Pax.
‘So, oh my god, Pax,’ she beamed. ‘It’s been literally ages. How are you?’ She playfully punched his massive, tanned arm. Down on the damp grass, I saw Robin wince and down half his cider in one.
Pax seemed distracted. ‘Yeah, good thanks. How are you?’ Before Stella could answer, he added, ‘Where’s Hannah?’
I swallowed my cider too quickly. I don’t know why, but it felt weird just knowing that Hannah knew someone that good-looking. If she had him asking after her, what was she doing with me? But then, I know Stella and I guess most people would say Stella is more attractive than Hannah. Not me, though.
Stella had the same look on her face that Robin had when Pax first strolled into view. Clearly she wasn’t used to being second on a bloke’s agenda.
‘Oh, she’s around here somewhere,’ she said slowly. Then she flashed me a smile – a weird, cold smile – and turned to talk to one of Pax’s mates.
Hannah
‘Fuck. What are the chances?’ said Grace. ‘I can’t believe they’re here. I thought they lived in Devon?’
We were huddled outside the tent, considering what to do.
‘You do know we’re in Devon now, Grace,’ I said. ‘They’ve got every right to be here.’ I wasn’t thrilled to see them but it wasn’t Armageddon like Grace was making out.
She wasn’t listening. ‘Yeah but what are they doing here? Why are they here? I don’t want to see James again. Oh, god.’
‘Grace, it’s fine. Nothing’s changed. Ollie isn’t here. He doesn’t know anything about it. Why would he ever know anything about it? There’s nothing to freak out about. We’ll just say hi and then leave it.’
‘What if Stella wants to get with Pax again?’
‘Well, so what? It doesn’t mean you have to get off with James, does it?’
Grace shook her head, but she didn’t look entirely convinced. I kind of understood her wanting to keep James frozen in her memory.
In my mind, Pax only existed in Kavos – tanned and grinning under the Greek sun. Seeing him out of that context had freaked me out a bit too. I was keeping it together in front of Grace, but I was starting to feel uneasy about how I would react when I was face to face with him again.
We decided to go to the toilet and I chatted about other stuff to take Grace’s mind off James.
I put my hand in my coat pocket and felt the bag of Haribo I’d been saving to share with Sam later. We linked arms.
‘Do you feel like you and Sam are meant to be?’ Grace said.
‘Yeah, I do. Because we’ve met again. He wasn’t meant to come to Stella’s party but he did. And after that I thought I’d never see him again, but now I have. I think it’s fate.’
‘He’s so perfect for you, Han. He’s a cool geek.’
‘And he’s really kind. And he smiles after he kisses me.’
She snorted.
‘See,’ I said, ‘the dream team did find Toilet Boy. We said we would and we did.’
‘Fate brought him to us … Ham is my new favourite couple.’
‘I still prefer Sannah,’ I laughed.
‘OK, Sannah. Sannah is the new power-couple. I’ll have to accept that Grollie has lost the top spot.’
Being out in the cold air had made me feel drunker somehow. I put my jumper on as we walked back towards the Tea Party tent. I imagined Stella was probably already pulling Pax in there. I didn’t care, either. They really were right for each other. The same way Sam was right for me.
13
Sam
As I swallowed the dregs of my cider, I realized I hadn’t been this drunk in a while. If I closed my eyes, it felt like I was on a boat. I took a few deep breaths. I needed a glass of water.
Chris had gone outside for a piss and still hadn’t returned. He a
nd Ben were lost in the festival ether. Both their phones were going straight to voicemail. Stella, Tilly and Pax’s gang were all loudly reminiscing about some night out they’d had in Kavos. Robin was still sitting on the floor, moodily scrolling through his text messages. I bent down to speak to him.
‘I’m going to get some water. Do you want anything?’
He didn’t look up from his phone. ‘Oh, no. I’m sure Pax the Latin Lover will sort me out with whatever I need. He’s such a great guy.’
‘OK, fine.’ I stood up again. ‘Let me know when your little sulk is over and we can start having fun again, yeah?’
As I trotted off towards the bar, Robin shoved his phone back into his pocket, jumped up and followed me.
‘Don’t just leave me with them lot. I don’t want to sit there by myself, hearing about how “mental” Kavos was.’
We muscled our way through the crowd and joined the back of the queue at the bar. It was much busier here; bodies crushed up against us from all sides. I closed my eyes again and felt the tent spinning. I really needed that water.
As we waited in silence, pushed this way and that as the scrum edged closer to the bar, I spotted Hannah and Grace making their way back in.
Hannah looked so pretty, even from right across the tent. I loved the way she didn’t barge through the crowd like everyone else; I could see her politely asking every person if she and Grace could just squeeze through.
As she approached Stella, Tilly and the rest of them, I caught sight of Pax pushing through the crowd towards her. He wrapped his arms around her waist, picked her up and twirled her around and around. He was shouting something. The tent felt hotter all of a sudden.
Hannah was laughing and shaking her head. She seemed a little overwhelmed. She made a playful effort to escape Pax’s grip, but Pax held tight and kept spinning her.
Stella’s mouth was hanging open. She was standing, arms folded, watching the whole thing. She had said Pax was a ‘really good friend’. Clearly he was also a ‘really good friend’ to Hannah. Maybe that’s all I was to her too. How many ‘really good friends’ did she have?