by Lucy Ivison
We told the woman at the front desk everything we had already told the paramedic. They didn’t tell us what to do. So we went and stood looking at Stella. She was stiller now. Her tiny body in the middle of the bed. Every so often she would jerk and her eyes would half open but she still wasn’t there.
Eventually a nurse told us that the doctor was going to examine her and that we could go and sit in a room down the corridor.
‘I’ll come and get you when the doctor’s finished,’ she said.
We sat down next to each other, staring out at the posters about bowel cancer and how to spot meningitis. And then it hit me.
‘We have to call her parents.’
I knew I had phoned their house in Italy before, when Stella had been there one summer but I couldn’t find the number on my phone.
‘Will your parents have it?’ Sam said it gently. As if he knew my parents hadn’t entered my head.
I nodded. How much I wanted them suddenly hit me.
‘What time is it?’
‘Half twelve.’
They would almost definitely be asleep. It rang twice before Mum answered.
‘Hannah. Are you OK?’
I wanted to say something but I didn’t know what words to say in which order.
‘Stella … Stella …’
I wasn’t crying. I just couldn’t make my mouth move.
Sam touched my shoulder and took the phone out of my hand.
‘Hi, is that Hannah’s mum? This is Hannah’s friend, Sam. Hannah is fine but Stella is in the hospital. She’s had a seizure.’
Had a seizure? Is that the parent-friendly expression for taking a drug overdose?
He gave my mum information. She said they’d be there in twenty minutes.
I put my head against Sam’s shoulder. And then the nurse walked in. We shot to our feet.
‘We need to do some blood tests and we’re going to admit her to a ward to monitor her, but she is stable and she’s going to be OK. You can see her in ten minutes or so.’
It didn’t feel like a weight had lifted. It was like I could feel myself and how tired I was and that I was real. Like my senses came back.
Sam
I honestly thought she was going to die. I’ve never seen anyone die before but she looked the way people look when they’re about to die on TV. Spluttering and gargling and blinking in and out of consciousness. Fucking terrifying. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to watch Casualty again.
I don’t know what came over me at the party. I’m not usually the sort of bloke to start telling everyone what to do and organizing everything. But no one else seemed to be taking charge. Even Robin looked too freaked out by it all to step in. And I really thought she was going to die.
At the time, I was in autopilot mode, not stopping to think about what I was doing, but afterwards I felt quite proud of myself. Mainly for not fainting when Stella did that eyes-rolling-back-in-the-head thing that made her look like the girl from The Exorcist. That’s something else I can’t ever watch again.
After the nurse told us Stella would be fine, me and Hannah collapsed back on to the ridiculously uncomfortable seats in the hospital waiting room, exhausted but relieved. I texted Robin and Chris to let them know everything was all right. Then I spoke to Hannah’s parents and asked them to come to the hospital.
We sat in silence beneath a flickering white strip light. After the last hour of shouting and sweating and worrying, it felt strange to be so still and quiet. The waiting room was empty except for us. That intense moment in Stella’s bathroom suddenly seemed like a long time ago. Hannah was just staring straight ahead at the wall. I wished I had even the slightest idea what she was thinking. Why the hell are girls so impossible to read? I can tell exactly what’s going on in Robin’s head just by the way he hunches his shoulders.
‘So, that Charlie bloke sounds like a right knobhead,’ I said, just to punch a hole in the silence.
‘Yeah,’ she nodded. ‘He’s a twat. At least Stella knows it now, I guess.’
‘I don’t think I could ever take cocaine,’ I said. ‘I hate stuff going up my nose. I can’t even use those Vicks inhalers when I get a cold.’
‘Were you one of those kids who had to use vapour rub on your chest instead?’
‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘So, when they invent a form of cocaine that you can rub into your chest, I’ll be all over it.’
She laughed quietly, and then shook her head. ‘God, I’m so glad Stella is going to be OK.’
We slumped back into silence again, listening to the low hum of the lights and the faint clip-clop of feet echoing through the corridors around us. I gritted my teeth and decided to try another apology.
‘Hannah, I really am sorry about what happened that night at the festival. I’m such an idiot.’
She unfurled a few strands of hair from behind her left ear and chewed them. God, I had missed seeing her do that. She stared blankly into the wall as she chewed, apparently absorbing what I’d just said. Finally, a very faint smile spread across her face.
‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘I’m not sure “idiot” is quite strong enough, to be honest.’
I laughed out of sheer relief. ‘No, no, it’s not! It’s way off. What about “twat”? I’m a twat?’
She cocked her head to one side in consideration, her smile widening gradually. ‘Twat’s better,’ she said. ‘Still not quite there.’
‘Fucking twat?’ I offered immediately. ‘Massive fucking twat? Massive fucking idiot twat dickhead.’
Her smile was now at full stretch. ‘I think that just about covers it, yeah.’
‘I could go on. I’d be happy to try a few more variations until we’ve got it right.’
‘I don’t think that’ll be necessary, but thank you.’
I was on a roll. I decided to go further.
‘Look, I know this sounds stupid and cheesy, but I really like you, Hannah. I’ve spent all summer liking you.’
She blushed. I was blushing too, but I didn’t care.
‘So, it just seems stupid that we don’t keep … seeing each other. What do you reckon?’
‘Yeah,’ she nodded. ‘I’d really like that.’
I edged closer to Hannah and put my arm on the back of her chair.
‘What are you doing?’ she asked, grinning.
‘I was trying to put my arm around you in a charming, sexy, subtle way.’
‘Yeah, there’s nothing sexier or more charming than a hospital waiting room.’
I withdrew my arm. Hannah laughed. Then she clasped my hand tightly.
‘Shit, Sam, I forgot to ask about results! Did you get into Cambridge?’
With everything that had happened in the last hour, I’d completely forgotten about Cambridge.
I shook my head. ‘No. I fucked up French. I didn’t get in.’
Her face dropped and her grip on my hand tightened. ‘Oh, no. I’m so sorry. Are you all right?’
I thought about it. Weirdly, I did feel all right. I had a whole year ahead of me to figure out exactly what I wanted to do. It didn’t feel daunting; it felt exciting.
‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘I am all right. I’m really all right.’
‘Well, that’s good.’
‘So, what happened with you?’ I asked, my cheeks still faintly smouldering from the ill-prepared ‘I really like you’ speech. ‘Were your results OK?’
She nodded. ‘Yeah. I got in, so that’s good.’
‘Got in where?’ I couldn’t believe that after all this time I didn’t even know where she’d applied.
‘York.’
‘York?’ My stomach did a perfectly executed backflip. York was my second choice. The place there was probably still mine if I wanted it.
I looked across at Hannah, still chewing a strand of her straw-coloured hair and smiling that wide, bright, incredible smile. I wanted her, I was sure of that, but maybe we could make it work between us even if she was in York and I was London, America, or anywher
e. If we wanted it badly enough, it would happen. And I did want it badly enough.
‘That’s amazing,’ I said. ‘Well done.’
I wrapped my arm around her and she put her head on my chest. For the first time I could remember, I had absolutely no idea what life had in store for me. It felt brilliant.
Hannah
I opened the door to my bedroom tentatively, but Stella was awake. I went and sat at the end of the bed. She had slept on and off for forty-eight hours.
‘I brought you some hot chocolate.’
She sat up and took the mug out of my hand. She was wearing my hedgehog pyjamas, even though they swamped her. With no make-up and her curly hair unstraightened and plaited she looked like the version of her I had made best friends with in Year 7.
‘Your grandparents are on their way.’
She nodded. ‘Cool.’ It was flat and emotionless.
I knew what she wanted to hear – that her parents were coming – and not being able to say it made it hard for me to look at her. I stared at the pattern on the duvet cover.
I handed her a yellow envelope with scrawly boy’s writing on.
‘This arrived this morning.’
She opened it. It was a cheery, colourful Get Well Soon card. She read it silently and handed it back to me.
Hey Stella,
I hope you’re feeling better. I’ve been really worried about you. Eat lots of spinach so you get well soon and can come to York and make some epic memories with me.
Lots of love,
Pax
Underneath he’d drawn a little stick man holding a can of spinach. I put the card down on the bed and looked at her. She smiled, and some of the weight and the sadness seemed to lift from her face. All I could feel were good things about Pax, because he was responsible for easing something inside her, even for a moment, that I didn’t fully understand. She was scraping her nail polish off with her fingers. Little shards of it fell over the duvet cover.
‘I think he did like you … in Kavos,’ she said, quietly.
‘Stella, Pax wants you. He has always wanted you. Remember on the boat how it was you he sat talking to for ages? How it was you that he pulled on the first night?’
Stella took this in. ‘But I’ll never understand why you didn’t just say to me in the Westfield café, “Stella, this is Toilet Boy. He is my lobster. The end.”’
‘Because I thought he wanted you. Because you had already pulled him. And I felt like an idiot for making out we had this Romeo and Juliet connection in the bathroom, when he had got off with you five minutes later.’
‘So what? You knew I was only doing it to make Charlie jealous. And I didn’t give Sam much choice in the matter.’
‘Yeah, but that wasn’t what it was about. It didn’t matter whether or not you wanted him. It was the fact he didn’t want me.’
‘Yeah, but he did.’
‘All right, Little Miss I-Know-Everything. It’s all good to say that now. It sounds simple now.’ We were both smiling.
‘So, that stuff with Pax …’ She was trying to sound casual. ‘What you said at the party about him not wanting me …’
It was the moment. I would only get that moment but I didn’t even hesitate.
‘I just said it. I don’t know why. Of course Pax didn’t say that. You know what a nice bloke he is. He’s totally into you.’
Whether he was or not didn’t feel like the important thing. Her feeling loved and getting better right now was what mattered.
She nodded. ‘I forgive you. All for one and one for all.’
I had forgiven her too. For less tangible and labelled things. For the things I couldn’t describe out loud or put my finger on but I knew were there.
I put my legs under the duvet and wriggled down, and we were head-to-tail in my bed for probably the thousandth time. Stella turned on to her side, into the position she always fell asleep in. She yawned.
‘You’re blatantly going to do the deed with Sam soon, aren’t you? Which means I am going to be the only virgin left.’
Her confession hung in the air. On some level I think I had always suspected that she was lying about Charlie. Maybe on some level she had known she deserved better. I really hoped that Pax was going to be just that. This was her clearing the decks.
‘No, you won’t be,’ I said. ‘Tilly’s still in limbo.’
18
Hannah
You can only lose your virginity once. It’s the only big life event that comes between being born and getting married.
I didn’t feel shy or embarrassed with him. I was ready. I wanted to do it. My body just didn’t seem to want me to. My family had gone up to my aunt’s in Whitby so we had the house to ourselves. He asked me so many times if I was sure. If I was sure I was sure. And that’s the thing – I was.
But when he put the condom on and started to push it inside me it just wouldn’t happen. It wasn’t even that it hurt. Although it did hurt. It’s just there wasn’t anywhere for it to go. Maybe my minge is deformed or something because I know for a fact that his willy will not fit in it. It only just snugly fits a tampon. Maybe we can never have sex. Maybe we will break up because I have a thimble fanny.
I had to tell him. ‘Look, it won’t fit. It’s too big. I’m sorry.’
Sam
‘It won’t fit. It’s too big. I’m sorry.’
I don’t know why she said sorry. It’s pretty much the best thing anyone’s ever said to me. ‘It’s too big.’ I kept repeating it to myself as I walked home. This must be how porn stars feel every day. I told Robin and he spat his Coke out, laughing.
‘Too big? Yours? She must be taking the piss, man. Has she never seen one before?’
He offered to show her his, to help her ‘properly understand the scale of them’.
I thanked him, but declined. It would have been nice if we’d managed to do it that night, but I didn’t even mind that much that we didn’t. It was weird how un-weird it felt with Hannah. To be lying there, naked, laughing about how stupid it was that we couldn’t have sex. It felt like we were in it together. Nothing could embarrass us because it was … well, us. She’s coming over tomorrow. Maybe we’ll have more luck then.
*
Hannah
I can hear the little boy who lives next door to Sam practising his violin. Lying here naked while Sam puts the condom on, looking at the broken skateboards nailed to his bedroom wall and the Müller Corner that has been by the door for a week, I feel a bit pointless. Like I should offer to do something, but what? I can’t actually do anything except lie here. He has to do the rest. He’s the only one who can make it happen.
Sam
I probably should have cleaned up my room a bit. Made more of an effort. That fucking Alistair kid next door with his violin … He couldn’t have picked a worse moment. I hope I’m in this room in ten years’ time when he’s losing his virginity next door, so I can ruin his big day by loudly misplaying Chopsticks through the wall.
I am so shit at putting on condoms. I wonder if Hannah’s noticed. You’re supposed to glide it on smoothly, but that never works for me. It takes me three goes to get it on properly because I keep trapping my pubes, painfully. Finally, it’s on.
Hannah
It feels awkward. He doesn’t know where the hole is. I don’t even know if I know where the hole is. I can feel him pushing up against a place that definitely isn’t that place. I don’t know if he’ll be offended if I sort of guide it. But I don’t want him to feel embarrassed. I hold it in my hand and poke it into the entrance bit. All he has to do is push.
Sam
I have literally no idea what I am doing. She keeps kissing me. Doesn’t she realize that I need to concentrate? I can’t do two things at once.
Hannah
I know he isn’t pushing hard enough. It’s like something is blocking it.
‘It’s OK, I’m fine. Just do it,’ I say.
And he pushes a bit more and it just goes in. All of a
sudden it is in all the way. I feel like I should be staring into his eyes but I am actually staring at Mila Kunis’s perfect bum because her poster is right by his bed.
Sam
I think it’s in. I’m pretty sure it’s in. She kind of grunts and squirms and lets out a little sigh. Does that mean it’s in? There should be a light that comes on somewhere to let you know it’s definitely in, like when you plug your charger into your laptop. I wish she’d stop looking at that Mila Kunis poster.
Hannah
Now it’s in I’m not worried. Because I know what’s going to happen now. It is sore. It feels like something alien is in me. Like my body knows it shouldn’t be in there. It doesn’t hurt, it just feels sore. Every time he pulls it out a bit and pushes it back in I wince. I don’t know whether I should make noises. I mean, if I make noises like I’m enjoying it, it’ll be absurd. But then lying silent is also weird …
Sam
This. Is. Fucking. Brilliant. It’s not so painful and tight after a while and it just feels amazing. Hannah’s making some slightly strange noises but I don’t think she totally hates it. At least, I hope she doesn’t. It’s hard to tell, to be honest.
*
Hannah
Afterwards, we lay there side by side in his single bed and I rested my head on his chest. I don’t know if he’s my lobster, but he definitely feels more right for me than anyone else ever has.