by David Carnoy
TWO WEDNESDAYS LATER, AROUND SIX, STANDING AT THE KITCHEN window, Cogan notices a patrol car cruise past the house. It slows, and as it does, his chest tightens. When it doesn’t stop, he breathes a sigh of relief and tells himself he’s being paranoid, a patrol car usually checks the neighborhood twice a day—once in the morning and once late in the afternoon. But twenty minutes later, when the unmarked blue Ford sedan pulls up in front of his house, he has a sinking feeling his paranoia is justified.
Breathlessly, he watches Madden and his partner get out of the car. They’re in no hurry. They stand for a moment next to the car and straighten their ties. Then they head slowly up the walkway to his front door.
The doorbell rings.
He knows what to expect when he opens the door, but for some reason when he finally does, his eyes open wide. He looks at the detectives as if they’re complete strangers, even aliens.
“Dr. Cogan,” Madden says. “Sorry to disturb you. But I’m afraid you’re going to have to come down to the station with us. We have a warrant for your arrest. You’ve been charged with rape in the third degree, and you should know that anything you say can and will be used against you . . .”
And so it is, just as he’d imagined it would be only no one’s watching. He’d somehow expected a small crowd. Or the disbelieving stares of doctors and nurses as they led him out of the hospital. For that he’s thankful: that they’d spared him the embarrassment and come here, not the hospital. The only person to see him leave his house that day with the detectives is a little girl out riding her new bike. And she doesn’t even know what’s happening.
“Hi, Dr. Cogan,” she calls out to him gleefully, as she usually does.
“Hi, Katie,” he calls back.
He doesn’t think of it then, but later, when they’re a few blocks from the station, he realizes that he was about her age the last time he’d taken a ride in the back of a cop car. It had been almost thirty years.
Back then, he’d cried, afraid of what his father would do to him when he found out he was a shoplifter.
Now he wishes his father were still alive to punish him.
PART 3
DISCOVERY
22/ SOCIAL LOGICAL
Excerpts from the diary of Kristen Kroiter:
Jan. 16
So Carrie finally did it! She went up to Josh Stein and talked to him. She’s been talking about it for weeks but she never knew what to say. We’d be right about to go up to him but then she’d say, What am I going to say? And I’d be like I don’t know. Just say something. And she’d be like I can’t just say anything. And we’d go back and forth like that and afterward we’d just laugh and feel really stupid because he and his friends are such dweebs.
Anyway, today at lunch we walked over to their little area at the edge of The Green and pretended to get a drink of water at the drinking fountain. Ever since the principal closed the parking lot during lunch, most kids eat in the grassy area in front of the library at the center of campus (the rich kids with cars used to hang out in the parking lot, I’m not kidding). Our school’s kind of messed up because it’s really two schools in one since around 70% are minorities from East Menlo Park and Redwood City, and the other 30% are from well-off families from Atherton, Menlo Park, and Portola Valley, and the principal’s always thinking up new ways to try to integrate everybody better. My brother and sister both went to private schools, but when we moved and got the bigger house, my Dad said he was “tapped out” and didn’t have enough money to send me private. That was OK, though, I didn’t want to go to an all-girls school like Castilleja and I can walk to school from where we live (can you say sleep in!).
Anyway, Josh and his friends sit on this bench in one corner of The Green. They’re what you’d call a little fringe. So they’re sitting there with this laptop, talking, and I don’t think they noticed us at first, and Carrie just looked over their shoulders and saw something sort of strange on the screen. There were all these names. And she was like what are you guys doing? And they turned all red and got defensive and tried to cover up the screen.
They wouldn’t show her at first, but then she leaned forward and showed them her boobs. I’m not kidding! Carrie’s got pretty big boobs and she’s always wearing v-neck T-shirts, so guys are always trying to look down her shirt. And I know she does it on purpose. She admitted it. And it was pretty funny because as soon as she leaned over their laptop I saw Josh’s and the other kids’ eyes go right to her boobs and it wasn’t long before they were showing her what they were doing. Guys are so lame. Of course they were like you’ve got to promise not to tell anyone. They made us swear on our parents’ lives, which I thought was pretty melodramatic until I saw what they were doing. I do admit it’s cool. They’ve got a list of every kid’s name in the school, like 2500 kids, and they’ve written a program where they can rank people by how popular they are. I’m not kidding. Then you can click on a button and a map of the school pops up and they’ve plotted where everybody hangs out at during lunch. Our bench is on there! And so are Carrie and me and Megan and Viv. You can click on a person’s name and all this information comes up on them. And get this, I’m higher on the list than Carrie, which really pissed her off. I mean I think it’s only by a few places, but I’m ahead. I’m 92 and she’s 97. Not bad, I must say.
She didn’t want to show she was mad, but you could definitely tell she was. She was like, why do you think this is accurate? And Josh was like, it’s not totally accurate right now. They were still in beta, which means the program and the list aren’t final.
Carrie saw that as the opportunity she was looking for. She was like, don’t you guys think you should have some feminine input? She said she had to go, but she wanted to discuss it more with them in private, and asked Josh if we could come over to his house tomorrow after school. He was so surprised he didn’t know what to say. He and his friends just looked at each other. I wonder what they expect. The whole thing’s pretty stupid. She knows she’s not going to do anything. She wouldn’t know what to say to Dr. Cogan if she saw him. I know she wouldn’t.
Jan. 21
Was beat the last few days so I didn’t get a chance to write. Anyway, the real news is we went over to Josh’s a couple of days ago to talk about the list. His house is actually really nice and so is his mom, which kind of made me feel bad for him. I mean, I hope Carrie doesn’t get too Machiavellian with him. He’s basically a good kid, though he does stare at her boobs too much.
Carrie really wanted to discuss how people got rated. She actually said to me on the way over that they actually might have something interesting, and that she really wasn’t going over just to find out where Dr. Cogan lived. Personally, I think she just wants to figure out what will get her higher on the list when it comes out.
The way it works is there are all these variables they assign numbers to. Where you hang out. Who you hook up with. Whether you have a car or not. What kind it is. Whether you play sports. And then there are some more subjective ones. Like your looks and personality and that kind of stuff. That’s how everything gets calculated.
At first Carrie was like, what makes you guys judge and jury? And they were like, because we did all the work, which was hard for her to disagree with. The truth is I think they’re actually pretty accurate. But the thing that would bother me is the people on the bottom of the list. I mean, I’d feel bad for them. It would suck to find out you’re a total loser. What if someone committed suicide over it or something. I don’t know if I could deal with that kind of responsibility. Josh says they’re going to put a disclaimer at the top of the list, you know, how this list should have no reflection on who you are as a person. And then they’re going to put some names of famous people who were losers in high school. They’re also going to say something good about each person.
Anyway, we stayed there a couple of hours talking about all the variables and a bunch of scenarios and frankly it wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be. I almost totally forgot wh
y we’d really gone there. And I think Carrie sort of forgot until she saw Dr. Cogan’s car in the driveway next door. He was home! And then we got into Carrie’s car and she started driving really slow past his house. And we looked into the window, and I was like, OH MY GOD there he is. And Carrie just freaked. I mean she almost peeled out. She was like, Oh my God, did he see us? Did he see us? And we were all squealing and laughing. What a joke. It was really juvenile. Really, really, juvenile. But kind of fun.
Jan. 27
Nothing much to report except that Carrie got a new phone. It’s one of those Sidekicks with the built-in keyboard. It’s really cute and I’m really jealous. Viv got one too, and now they send like these novels to each other instead of the shorthand texts we used to send. Like if we were going to meet at 7-Eleven, we’d just put in 7118, which meant we’d meet at 7-Eleven at 8. But now they’re like, “Let’s meet at 711 at 8 and what are you going to wear?” It sort of takes the fun out of it. Because the code was kind of fun. But this way’s definitely better. Carrie’s working on a new word code, so in case one of the guys grabs her phone during class or something, there won’t be anything too incriminating. That could be totally dangerous.
I want one so bad but dad won’t let me have one. He’s like you lost three phones already (I’m such a klutz sometimes, I swear), and this one costs more than just a standard phone. He said, if you want one so badly then pay for it yourself. He’s been such a tightass lately. Since the accident he’s definitely worse. I swear, he still thinks I was drunk. I just want to say, you know, dad, your problems aren’t mine. Ever since mom found out he had an affair, he’s been on this saint kick.
He’s trying to get me to join this church group, which would suck. There aren’t even any cute guys in the group. They’re such dorks, except for maybe Paul Germain, but he goes out with Ashley Vachs anyway. I’m hoping that if I just go to church every other week he won’t make me join.
I don’t know. When I went every week, he didn’t let me go to the lake with Carrie, which was so unfair. So I’ve stopped going certain weeks. He gives me grief each time, but I told him I wouldn’t go at all if he kept making me, I don’t care if I get grounded. He never used to make Mary and Rick go when they were my age, so why should I go. I told him that I thought that was pretty good that I was going every other week. And when I told Mary about it, she was like he’s a lot easier than he was on me when I was a junior. Her curfew was ten. And I was like big deal, one hour difference. He gets on my case about so many other things. The point is he’s different now than when she and Rick were still living here. He’s like so much more Mr. Family Values it makes me sick.
In a way, when he and mom were arguing it was better. It was like at least I knew where things stood. Now it all seems sort of phony. Them holding hands all the time. They never used to hold hands.
Sometimes I swear Carrie’s lucky her parents are divorced. Her father’s so much cooler about stuff. He talks to her like she’s a person. And even if her mother’s always waiting up for her, at least she doesn’t freak if she’s late. She’s just like call if you’re going to be late. That’s why I gave you a cell phone. If I call, dad’s like get your ass home now, young lady.
God, I’m getting whiny! I hate being a whiner. I hate whiners, for that matter. It’s getting late, so I have to go to sleep. Carrie called earlier to ask my advice about whether to tell Josh about Dr. Cogan having operated on me. I don’t think Dr. Cogan ever said anything to Josh or else he probably would have said something. I’m not sure what telling him would do. I mean, what difference does it make? What’s Josh going to say to Dr. Cogan, I think this girl in my class wants you, do you want her back? Some plan she’s got. She’s like maybe he’ll take me out to dinner up in the city. He can’t do it around here. But no one would know who she is up in the city. And people wouldn’t know that she’s not even seventeen yet.
She’s living in a total fantasy world. I wish he’d just shoot her down and get it over with. That would teach her a lesson.
Feb. 4
Newsflash! We spoke to Dr. Cogan! Well, I actually did most of the talking because Carrie couldn’t really speak. We went over to Josh’s around two on Saturday. The plan was we’d drive by the house a few times and see if Dr. Cogan was home, and then, if he wasn’t we wouldn’t even bother checking if Josh was home. That was Carrie’s genius plan anyway. Well, when we drove by to make the first pass, Dr. Cogan was standing outside talking to this other guy! As usual, Carrie was all freaked. She was like, Oh my God, Oh my God, what should we do. And she didn’t stop! And I was like, what are you doing, pull over and park. And she was like, what are we going to say? I said, I don’t know we’ll just say something (I just wanted to get the whole thing over with, frankly. She’s such a big talker, I wanted to see what she’d really do).
Well, we went around the block and he was still there, talking, I don’t think he’d noticed us go by the first time. And we parked across the street, half across from his house, half across from Josh’s house. And I swear Carrie was trying to hide her face when she got out of the car. It was pretty funny. I wanted to see her squirm some more so I looked directly at Dr. Cogan and started crossing the street. He had this strange look on his face, like he recognized me but he didn’t.
And I just walked right up and said hi, I don’t know if you remember me but I’m Kristen Kroiter, you operated on me. And he was like, oh, yeah, how are you doing, is everything feeling all right? And then he turned to his friend and explained to him the whole story about how I’d been in this car accident and that I’d had to have a splenectomy. And he said, I was one of the “good” patients, though I’m not sure quite what that meant. And then he asked me whether my dad had gotten me another car. He remembered all that stuff! I was totally surprised.
And I was like remember my friend, Carrie, she came to see me a few times in the hospital. And he smiled (what a great smile he has!), and he was like, sure. And that was like Carrie’s big opportunity (yeah, right) but she didn’t say anything. I swear I saw her turning red. Well, there was this little awkward silence, and I jumped in and said we actually stopped by to see if Josh was in. And he was like, so you took my advice. And I was like, huh? And he told his friend how we’d been talking about how Josh and his friends were geeky but that he said Josh and his friends would be rich studs in like ten years and how we should be nice to them.
And his friend laughed. He was like geeks rule the world, especially around here. And then Carrie said Josh had this cool computer program he was working on, like a social logical experiment. The funny thing was she didn’t say sociological (I looked it up in the dictionary), she actually said “social logical,” which it kind of is in a way, but Dr. Cogan was like social logical, that sounds very scientific. And Carrie realized what she’d said and got all embarrassed.
So that was our big encounter. Afterward, we went over to Josh’s and checked if he was home (he wasn’t, which was good, because Carrie was in a bad mood and she would have been mean). We had to go straight to the mall, where Carrie got this new pair of jeans (I swear her butt’s getting bigger!).
Feb. 10
Another lame Saturday night. Just got back from The Creamery, which is like this faux diner that’s been around forever. I swear sometimes I’d just rather sit home and watch a DVD (I just got two new movies—Wedding Crashers and Election. I could watch both of them like once a month, no problem). It’s like the same thing every weekend. Carrie heard a rumor there was a party up in the hills, in Portola Valley, but she didn’t have an exact address, and we spent like half an hour trying to find it. It’s dark as hell up there, too. There are no streetlights. And by the time we got there we had like fifteen minutes before the cops came. Usually, parties at houses in the hills take longer to break up, but it was just our luck that it didn’t. So our next choice was either downtown Palo Alto or Café Barrone. I would have preferred going to Barrone and just getting some coffee, but there’s this guy Carrie kind of
likes that was going to The Creamery, so we went there instead. The thing about the Creamery is all the lame younger guys are there early, but the cooler people show up later since it’s like the last stop. But by that time we have to leave, so what’s the point? It’s OK, I guess, it’s not like the diner in Diner (I love that movie), even though it sort of tries to be.
Supposedly, in a couple weeks we’re going to a Stanford party. Carrie’s brother is going to take us, which should be pretty cool. Carrie’s convinced she’s going to date a college guy. Someone who can take her out to dinner, she says. I get the feeling she’s losing interest in Dr. Cogan, which I knew she would. Lately, all she’s been talking about is Gap guy. That’s this Gap salesdude at the mall who goes to junior college. I do admit he’s pretty cute and Carrie claims she’s going to set up a double date for us, though I told her I’m not saying yes until I see the other guy.
On the way back from The Creamery, we were talking about who we’d lose it with, like what our ideal scenario would be. And I was like would you consider losing it with Gap guy? And Carrie was like it depended, she might. She wants to lose it with an experienced guy. And I was like I’d rather lose it with a guy who was losing it with me, too. She was like, yeah, that might be OK, but she thought it would be better to do it with someone who knew what he was doing. It could really suck if he didn’t know what he was doing. And if it really sucked it might give you a bad view of sex for a long time, and she didn’t want to have a bad view of it. She’d talked to her cousin, who just graduated from college, and that’s what she advised.
But I was like you want it to mean something, don’t you? I mean what if you were just like another notch on some guy’s bedpost. How would that make you feel?