Heroine's Journey

by Sarah Kuhn

  “Ah, I believe that’s your power coming into play again—the wild card,” she said, smiling slyly at me. “I had a hunch—if Kathy, Poet, and Bernard pushed you hard enough on the—what did you call it?—the brain plane?”

  “Yeah,” I muttered.

  “So creative,” she said. “I thought if they pushed you, it might spark a brief connection, might give you that ability to bring the location to life for a moment. And it did! My experiment worked.”

  “But back to the part where I didn’t know I was doing it,” I said, shaking my head. “I mean . . . what the hell was that?”

  She shrugged. “Sometimes, the human connected to the location doesn’t quite know what they’re doing at first—remember how Poet just stood there at the Wave Organ, calling for help? She didn’t realize things would get quite so out of control. In any case, in order to make your connection permanent, I needed you to finally open up your own portal at the bookstore and come here.” She gestured to the meadow.

  “So you set up an entire video game’s worth of quests and boss levels for me,” I said, trying to follow along. “And I followed along like a little puppy dog, because you knew how to take advantage of every bad habit and/or predilection that’s gotten me into trouble before. But why? What happens now that we’re at the ultimate boss level?”

  “Oh, Bug.” She stood up and stepped toward me. I recoiled. This Mom-Demon looked and sounded so much like Mom, I had to keep reminding myself it wasn’t her. “Being here with me isn’t another level to be conquered. It’s your reward.”

  “That is a messed up reward, and I don’t want it,” I snapped. “Back to my original question: who or what are you? Underneath the Mom mask.”

  She stepped even closer to me and put her hand on my arm. I did my best to stay still, to stare her down, even though I wanted very badly to pull away.

  “I am your mother,” she said, her green eyes unnerving in their intensity. “I am the closest thing you will ever find to your mother.”

  “That’s not an answer,” I hissed.

  She studied me, considering. Then dropped her hand from my arm. “I had a daughter before you,” she said slowly. “She was like you. In so many ways.”

  “Wait . . .” A thought swirling around the edge of my brain came into focus. “That parchment we found in Kathy’s cabinet—the letter Leah translated. That was—”

  “From my daughter to me,” she said, her expression turning wistful. “I gave it to Kathy so she could plant it as a clue to lure you. I had a feeling you or your friend would be able to translate it.” Her eyes got very sad. “I begged my daughter not to go on that mission to your world. I forbid her to be part of Shasta’s invasion party. But she wouldn’t listen to me. And then—”

  “She was killed instantly when she came to Earth,” I said. “Along with the rest of the invasion party. And when she died, I got her power.”

  “You are my daughter,” she said, nodding vehemently. “Don’t you see? We both lost the most important person in our lives. And now we have the opportunity to get them back.”

  “And . . . what?” I said, shaking my head. “We just hang out here in this boring holodeck meadow for the rest of our lives together?”

  “Think bigger, Bug,” she said, squeezing my arm encouragingly. “You can still give me the dark soul I need so we can control the bookstore. But what you would get in exchange would be so much more. Everything you’ve ever wanted.” She studied me again in that steady, unnerving way that made me squirm. “Explore your mind for a moment. Connect with it.”

  I didn’t want to do anything she told me to, but my curiosity got the better of me. I took a deep breath and took stock of my brain, and I definitely felt more . . . aware. Like what I could feel with my consciousness was bigger and brighter; like I could somehow reach more with my mind.

  “The more you go back and forth between here and the Otherworld, the more your mind—and your abilities—will expand,” she said. “And that means you can finally fix everything, my darling. Everything that’s made you so hurt and scared and broken all these years. You can finally be whole.”

  Unexpected tears filled my eyes. That was the desire I’d had so many times, the thing I’d wanted deep in my bones. And I shouldn’t believe anything from a Fake Mom demon, but goddammit. Hearing those words out loud from a face that looked so much like my mother’s . . . it was too much.

  “What do you mean?” I said, my voice shaking.

  “You’ll be able to do anything with your mind,” she said, beaming like she was super proud of me. “You can mend things with Evie. Be the sisters-in-arms you were always meant to be, caring for each other and fighting alongside each other as a formidable superhero team. Heal the wounds she’s carried for so long.”

  “Make it so she doesn’t hurt anymore. Or that she gets to hurt if that’s what she wants,” I murmured, remembering the pain in Evie’s eyes when she’d told me she hadn’t gotten to be sad when Mom died.

  “Yes,” she said, her eyes flashing. “You can help her so much. She’ll finally feel like she can confide in you, like she can share everything with you. And it won’t end with Evie. You can help everyone you love. You can get Leah her perfect soulmate, someone truly worthy of her. You can make Sam see that he should care for you as you care for him, that his life will be so much fuller that way. And you, my darling . . . you’ll finally be as amazing you were always meant to be. A superheroine for the ages.”

  She waved a hand and the scenery in front of us turned into something that looked like glass, like we were gazing through a clear pane. But there was nothing on the other side.

  “Whoa,” I said, taking a step back.

  “Do not worry, it’s stable,” she said. “I just want to remind you of something.” She waved a hand again and the It’s Lit bathroom appeared in front of us. It was like we were seeing the bathroom on some kind of gigantic, all-encompassing TV screen. We were in front of the craft wall containing people’s musings and art—and the message I’d written what felt like eons ago.

  I never want to be normal

  I want to live an extraordinary life

  I want fabulous adventures, fabulous food, and fabulous sex

  I will be the greatest superhero of all time

  Just you wait

  “You can have all of this,” Mom-Demon said. “Agree to join me, and you’ll have everything.”

  “B-but what’s in it for you?” I said, my eyes glued to those words I’d written, reading them over and over again. “I mean, besides getting a version of your daughter back. You get access to It’s Lit and—what? You then have access to a bunch of Bay Area locations and can make them attack civilians as you please? Because that isn’t really something I’m into. In case that wasn’t clear.”

  “No, my darling,” she said. “I told you: all of that was just to get you here. To get you to me. All I want is for us to be together. For both of us to feel whole again. Once I have access to a fourth Earthly location and imprison a fourth dark human soul, I’ll be able to cross over. That part of what I told you is true. We can be in both your realm and mine. You and Evie will have your mother back. And your powers will grow greater than you ever imagined. They are already so great—greater than mine. Greater than my daughter who perished. You can do anything. Make your life whatever you want. Make the world whatever you want.” She put a hand on my shoulder, leaning in close. That cinnamon-magnolia scent, the one that brought back so many childhood memories, swirled around me, and I felt dizzy.

  Everything she was saying . . . I couldn’t deny it was tempting, that it poked at a part of me longing to feel soothed and complete. The part that wanted to make things right for the people I loved. That wanted . . . so many things.

  “I just need to agree to this?” I didn’t even try to keep my voice from shaking. “That’s really it?”

 
“I still need that dark soul of your choosing,” she said in my ear. “Just one person, someone who’s rotten to the core. All for the good of the world. For the good of everyone else.”

  I swallowed hard, jolting back to reality a bit. Could I really do that? Lead someone to a lifetime in a demon pocket prison? Even someone as shitty as Nicole?

  But wasn’t it all for the greater good? To make the world better? To be able to use my mind to heal so many? I really would be the greatest superhero of all time.

  Maybe I could send over one of Sam’s jerky siblings? They were both pretty rotten.

  “Bug,” my mother’s voice said in my ear. She waved a hand again and the bathroom dissolved into another familiar setting. Now we were looking at the central area of It’s Lit. Leah was sitting on the pink couch, clutching Pancake. Sam was sitting next to her, rubbing her back and looking a million miles away. Evie, Aveda, Nate, Scott, Lucy, Rose, and Shruti appeared to be searching the store, poking around every nook and cranny.

  “I don’t understand,” Nate said. “My ‘find this person’s phone’ function said she was here.”

  “She jumped into the freakin’ Otherworld again, obviously,” Aveda said, rolling her eyes. “Kind of the ultimate tantrum, no?”

  “As if you’ve never been prone to stomping off and sulking when things don’t go your way, darling,” Lucy said, arching an eyebrow at her. “You do know we used to call that the Aveda Jupiter Tantrum, no?”

  “Scott, can you do that spell where you connect with the supernatural energy in the room?” Evie said. Her voice was thin and tired, her face pinched. “Maybe we can try to find her—or wherever this Otherworld entrance is?”

  “I can try,” he said.

  “Is this . . . are we seeing them now?” I managed.

  “Yes,” Mom-Demon said. “They’re looking for you.”

  “Wait.” Scott’s brow furrowed. “I’m getting something. There is an entrance to the Otherworld here somewhere, but I don’t know how to find it. And Bea . . . Bea is here. It’s like I can sense her presence, lurking around. But she’s hidden behind a layer of something, she’s kind of flickering in and out, and I can’t figure out how to find her exactly. I don’t know.” He shook his head in frustration.

  “Bea!” Evie shrieked into the air. “Please, wherever you are: just come back. Please.”

  “I don’t think she can hear you,” Scott said.

  “I don’t care,” she snapped, her eyes filling with tears.

  “Look at her,” Mom-Demon murmured. “All that pain. And you could fix it. You could finally do something for her—after all she’s done for you.”

  I swallowed hard, blinking back my own tears. Evie kept looking around frantically while everyone else watched, helpless.

  “Evie,” Aveda murmured. “Don’t forget your blood pressure . . .”

  “Fuck my blood pressure!” she bellowed. “Bea. If you’re there, just listen, please. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I’m pregnant. I was . . . I am so fucking scared. I don’t know if I can do this. In fact, I’m pretty sure I can’t do this. I . . . I tried so hard to take care of you and make sure you were okay, and I did such a fucking shitty job. Because you’re clearly not okay. And it’s all my fault.”

  “It’s not,” I whispered, my tears breaking free and streaming down my cheeks.

  “I can’t do this without you,” Evie said. “I need you. Please come back. Please, Bea.”

  She fell to her knees sobbing. She looked like everything had been drained from her. She looked like a used-up husk of a person. She looked like I had ten years ago, when I’d collapsed on the kitchen floor over some peanut butter.

  “And now she’s lost her hope,” Mom-Demon said. “Just as you feel you’ve lost yours. But think of what you could do for her—for all of them—once your power grows. You can guide their moods, their thoughts, their feelings. Constantly. You can control everything—no more nasty surprises. Look at them . . .” She gestured to the scene in front of us. Evie was still on her knees, sobbing. Nate and Aveda had moved in to comfort her. Scott was looking around, probably trying to figure out his spell. Rose, Lucy, and Shruti were conversing off to the side, their faces creased with frustration. And Leah, Sam, and Pancake were still slumped on the pink couch, staring into space, looking lost. “They’re all broken in some way,” she said. “You could fix them. You could fix everything. Return right now as the big savior—and with your mother!” She leaned in close, right next to my ear. “You’ll finally feel whole, Bug. You’ll have everything you want. And because of that, you’ll get your hope back.”

  I studied them for a long time—all these people that I loved. Evie, who carried so much guilt it made her feel like she had no hope of being a decent parent. Sam, who put on a confident show, but secretly believed his siblings when they made him feel like the smallest person in the world. Leah, who put out so much love, but didn’t always get it back.

  You could fix them. You could fix everything.

  I took a long, shaky breath and turned to my Mom-Demon. “Is it true what you said about my powers growing greater than anyone’s? I can literally mind-mojo anyone?”

  She beamed at me and took my hand. “That’s right. And coming here, to my little pocket of the Otherworld—” She gestured to her meadow. “Has made them stronger than they’ve ever been. You should be at an all-time ultimate peak in your power.”

  “Okay,” I said, nodding and squeezing her hand. “Good.”

  Then I gathered up everything I was feeling and sent it blasting her way. I’d never projected with so much pure force before. I visualized myself overwhelming her mind, surrounding all of her mental safeguards. Giving myself ultimate control.

  She dropped my hand, confusion crossing her face.

  “What . . .” she gasped.

  “Here’s the thing about hope, Not-So-Mommy Dearest,” I said, my voice strained as I battered against her mind. “It’s not about mind-controlling everyone so they feel good all the time, it’s not about leaving nothing to chance, and it’s not about me feeling fixed or whatever.” I felt her start to throw up mental brick walls, pummeling against me, and I winced.

  “It’s about believing that no matter how shitty things get, no matter how much you fuck up, no matter how many times you end up crying on the floor over peanut butter . . .” A sob rose up in my throat and I shoved it down, throwing all of my focus into fighting back against her mental brick walls. “No matter what: you believe that you can work to make things better. And I do believe that. Because I’m lucky enough to be loved by all these amazing people. I’ve seen them make things better every fucking chance they get. They’re out there every day, trying their hardest—no matter how shitty things get. You thought watching them in this mega-despair moment would make me despair, too. But it didn’t. It did the opposite, motherfucker.”

  Mom-Demon backed away from me, glowering, her serene smile a distant memory. The blue sky above us darkened, storm clouds blotting out the sun. I sent the full force of my emotions spinning at her yet again.

  “You would give up certainty?” she hissed. “The chance to have the life you’ve always wanted, to be secure in that knowledge—”

  “It wouldn’t be real,” I said, stepping toward her. The storm clouds above us rumbled and lightning streaked the sky. “Taking that bargain would mean I’m rejecting hope—that I don’t believe things will actually get better, ever, without some kind of supernatural intervention.”

  “Maybe they won’t,” she said, giving me a malicious smile.

  “Not to mention,” I continued, ignoring her, “that accepting your stupid bargain would mean, oh yeah, I have to give you another human and be totes okay with at least four people being banished forever to a super boring demon prison dimension. And you know, I’m not exactly convinced you wouldn’t keep using the locations you have to attack people if
they start doing something you don’t like.”

  Her cruel smile widened. “If that’s what it takes to keep people in line, to make things better—isn’t that for the greater good? Isn’t that part of your code?”

  “Ugh.” I shook my head. “You know, Leah was right: my code is fucked.”

  The skies opened up, rain pouring down on us. Thunder and lightning crackled overhead. I redoubled my mental efforts, pushing against Mom-Demon’s mind with all my might. I needed control . . .

  “I don’t understand you!” she bellowed. “You’re always agonizing over people underestimating you—I’m the only one who never has! I believe you can be great! That you can be so powerful!”

  “You believe I can spend my life mind-controlling everyone around me, luring innocent humans into demon-y traps, and getting the world to do my bidding!” I shrieked. “You believe I can be a supervillain! And that’s not what I fucking want!”

  And with that, I slammed my mind into hers as hard as I could. She howled in pain and the ground started to shake. I tried to plant myself, to remain in an upright position even as the rain soaked me to the bone and the earth rumbled beneath my feet. I felt her mind slam back against mine, but I persisted, pushing and pushing and pushing.

  You will do as I say, I thought at her ferociously. I am going to fix things—or at least try to—but not the way you want me to.

  Our minds locked in battle and pain bloomed at my temples, behind my eyes, fucking everywhere. I shut my eyes tight and pushed through it.

  Free the people you have trapped in the prison dimension, I thought at her. Carmen. Pretzel Guy. Edna.

  Mom-Demon fell to her knees, gasping. I felt her mind start to give against mine. I was freezing, soaked to the bone, my head was killing me, and I could barely stand up straight. The ground was still shaking beneath my feet. I gritted my teeth and pressed on.

  Free them, I thought firmly. I’m assuming that will sever your connections with Kathy and Co.—and the locations you have a hold on. But if it doesn’t . . . um, do that, too.