by Belle Brooks
The sound of Mum screaming and Lexi’s frantic talking are the last things I hear before I’m pulled into a forest filled with many beautiful trees.
The grass was high and there was a large rock face in the distance. The warmth rushing across my skin and the sweat dripping from my brow had me free. I was free.
“Maybelline, come here.” When I looked towards the voice calling me, I saw Willard standing by a hollowed-out stump. He was lanky and skinny standing there in his board shorts and singlet.
“What did you find, Willard?” I shouted in excitement.
“Come, quickly.”
I ran through the shoulder-high grass with the wind swirling my long brown locks in every direction until I finally reached an opening only a few metres from where Will was standing.
“Wow!” I heard his amazement.
“What did you find, explorer Will?”
He took my hand and dragged me the remaining distance and then I saw it, the bird nest with freshly hatched baby chicks squawking in the hollowed-out stump.
“Wow!” I gasped.
“New life, explorer Maybelline.”
“Let’s name them,” I insisted.
His cheeky smile had his eyes filling with hope and adventure and it also had my blood rushing and my heart pounding when he clung to me.
“There are four of them.” He counted with our heads leant over them.
“Let’s name them after the turtles.”
“Ninja?” He laughed, the sound filled with youthful innocence.
“Of course.” I pursed my lips like it was completely obvious.
“Maybelline, meet Michelangelo, Leonardo, Donatello, and Raphael.”
“Eeeek!” I squealed, reaching out my hand.
“Don’t touch them, May, their mummy will get mad.”
I snatched my hand back, putting it to my heart. “I love them, Willard,” I breathed.
“Me too.”
We stood staring at the baby chicks for ages. Well, until their very angry mummy showed up squawking and flapping furiously around us.
“Run, Maybelline,” Will called out before taking my small hand in his slightly bigger one and pulling me until we disappeared into the long strands of grass we’d waded through to find the nest in the first place.
Beeping, lots of beeping dances through my head as white lights flash above me. It’s as if we are driving fast through a long lit tunnel.
“Surgery two,” a deep voice instructs.
“Doctor Brown’s coming. There’s a surgeon ready to go,” a woman’s voice booms immediately afterwards.
“May-Day, we are right here,” Mum is shouting.
My hand is warm and when I rotate my head, I see Willard. He’s puffing, he’s running. He looks tired, frightened, and lost.
“May, don’t leave me,” he cries out when I pass through a door that seems like it’s made of plastic and not wood. I’m alerted to my sudden naked hand when it tingles with cold.
“Will,” I mouth before my entire body freezes cold.
“Let’s get her anesthetised quickly. We don’t have much time.”
“My baby,” I try to yell, but there’s no sound.
“Hang in there, Maybelline.”
It’s Nurse Heather. I see her friendly smile before she pulls a mask over her mouth. I’m in the hospital.
A clear plastic mask is lowered over my mouth. “Breathe in, May, deep breaths for us.”
I’m shaking uncontrollably. I can’t breathe.
Blackness, so dark, pulls me away. There is no light here, only a foggy black that grows thicker with every passing second.
There’s humming before the words sway through my mind. Will is singing. He has the most beautiful voice. “The Way You Look Tonight” by Frank Sinatra becomes clearer and clearer and I find myself relaxing as I listen to Willard’s perfect tone calling me home.
I want to see him.
At first, my eyelids are like lead, so I don’t force them. I try to remain calm.
A tickling sensation brushes my cheek and I press my head into it. When I do, the singing stops. “May, can you hear me?” he asks softly.
I slightly nod.
“Don’t rush. Take your time. I’m here.”
I moan. I know I do because I finally hear myself.
“Nurse, she’s waking up.” Will chuckles quietly.
Why is he chuckling?
“Thank you, God. I promise I won’t take this for granted. No more fuck-ups, you have my word.”
Is Will talking to God? Something presses into the back of my hand. It’s soft…comforting.
“You scared me, babe, you scared me.”
“Willard.” I cough.
“I’m here. You made it. You’re okay. Try not to talk.”
My eyelids flicker and when they cease their constant fluttering, I’m greeted by his beautiful blue eyes I feared, maybe for a short moment, I would never see again.
“Hey, beautiful.” Will’s perfect toothy smile beams before he kisses the back of my hand over and over again with his eyes still planted on mine.
“Hey, handsome.” I groan.
Those lips now press to mine and I welcome them. They taste sweet and make me content every time they touch mine. I wish Willard could kiss me all day, every day.
“The baby?” I ask hopefully when Will pulls his head back.
“Safe.” His smile flickers brightly.
Tears run the length of my face as my heart thumps hard, like it shifts into another gear.
We stare at each other for ages. We don’t speak another word. We simply stare in appreciation. I have more time. It’s not going to be easy. In fact, I’m realising this is going to be the hardest walk I will ever take in my life, but every day from here on out will be our biggest blessing. Goodbyes are always hard. I just want the opportunity to say them. Maybe this is how I should start every day from here on out. Instead of saying good morning, I should say goodbye, I love you.
Stroking my hair, Will smiles at me, and I know I’m smiling back.
“May, how are you feeling?” Doctor Brown is standing behind Will when I flick my eyes upwards in search of his unexpected attendance.
“I don’t know.” I say this because I have no clue as to whether I’m in pain, or I’m comfortable. I think I’m completely numb. Hang on, that can’t be good. “Numb,” I rush.
“That’s the drugs. Don’t panic. You can move,” he reassures me with a kind gaze.
“Thank God,” I breathe. “What happened?”
“Your stomach ruptured and you had a very slight tear in your bowel. It’s been repaired now. You had the best gastric surgeon there is.”
“Thank him for me.”
“You can, May. He will be up shortly to check on you, again.”
“Okay.”
“May, Will. I need to discuss a few things with you.”
Will hesitantly rotates his head and finally takes his attention away from me, passing it on to Doctor Brown. “It’s bad, isn’t it?”
“I’m afraid so.” He sighs. “The cancer has metastasised. It is going to eat away at your bones and invade your organs, May. Nobody can ever know how quickly this will happen, but being pregnant is going to speed the process up, so—”
“The baby,” I interject with a thudding pulse.
“Safe for now. Only time will tell if you will be able to make it until delivery. But given everything happening in your body, your obstetrician, Doctor Saunders, has ordered the delivery be done by a caesarean section. The likelihood of either of you making it through a natural delivery is almost zero.”
“Whatever it takes.” I’m prepared to do anything, come hell or high water. I will bring this baby into the world.
“Dr. Saunders will come see you both in the morning. It’s very late now, almost midnight, but she is going to run through everything then.”
“Okay.” I nod.
“You gave us a really big scare today—”
; “We just want a chance to have our baby, so do everything you can,” Will now interrupts, the shake in his voice rattling me.
“Everything we can, Will. We are going to do everything.”
“That’s all we ask.”
Relief blankets my heart. Willard is finally seeing the importance of his life in a future without me in it. This gives me peace.
“Doctor, would you please update everyone for me? Let them know May’s awake and doing well,” Will politely asks.
“Sure thing, Will. They’ll be relieved as we all are.”
When Doctor Brown leaves, Will’s gaze finds mine and he says, “I’m going to get help, May. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you this morning. I shouldn’t have ended up drunk like that. I can’t keep running myself through hell while you’re still here to hold on to. I was so selfish.” His eyes soften. The soft creases around them speak of his heartbreaking confusion and desolation.
“I know you’re struggling. I would be if the tables were turned. You’ve done nothing wrong. I love you, Willard.”
“I love you, too. Please don’t do that again, May.” His jaw tenses before flexing.
“I’ll try.” I’m doing everything I can.
“So, there’s this really good counsellor they told me about today when you were in surgery. I think it will help me to find a way to get through all the things I’m feeling.”
“I think that’s a good idea. Speaking of surgery, though, what damage has been done to my outer shell?” I wince.
His eyes shift the length of my body before rebounding back to mine. “I’m not sure. They haven’t told me much. But right now, you’re in the ICU. There are a lot of drains and machines around you—”
Will’s voice fades, even though he’s still talking. I listen to the sound of my heart beating from a machine that must be beside me. I don’t dare look around, though…the only vision I need to see right now is Willard.
“Everybody is here.”
I zone back in.
“You are only allowed one visitor at a time in the ICU. Do you want me to go get your mum or Gem?”
“I only want you,” I reply quickly.
I spent fifteen days in the hospital. It was a long, drawn-out fifteen days. Four blood transfusions later and ten stitches had put me back together. Right now, I’m confined to a wheelchair. It’s not pleasant, but I’m dealing with it. Doctor Saunders explained blood transfusions during pregnancy are not an overly dangerous thing, and it can cause some repercussions after the baby is born, but they will keep a very watchful eye over everything. For some reason, I have the sense everything is going to be okay. Don’t ask me why, though. A sixth sense maybe.
Every day of the fifteen-day stay I had in the hospital was filled with visitors, and they kept me sane. Every night of my stay also had a different loved one sleeping beside me in a recliner. I’m very loved and I’ve never doubted it, not for one second. Will refused to go home at first, but with gentle persuasion, he finally relented and got some much-needed rest.
The local community here in Wellington is running a fundraiser for me. They’ve raised forty thousand dollars so far, Gem informed me this morning while helping me complete my morning shower, and it’s growing by the day. This money is for Will to be able to stay home with me and to tend to my needs, as well as providing for the baby items we will shortly have to acquire. Though, I don’t think buying anything right this minute is a good idea. The pregnancy is thirteen weeks down, but there are still another nineteen to go until I hit the desired safe mark. I’d like to think I could push past this goal. However, Doctor Saunders said the C-section will happen then at the latest. It’s the safest option. Willard and I have decided to follow all the specialists’ advice as if it is the letter of the law.
Yesterday I had another ultrasound. Our once tiny bean baby is getting bigger and now he or she is looking a bit like a monkey…a very cute and adorable monkey, though. I have so many thoughts about what this child will look like, but I’m also trying not to get my hopes up. The pregnancy can end any day and there’s diddly-squat I can do to prevent it.
The morning sickness I’ve been experiencing has stopped. I’m thankful for this. I still feel guilty because of all the drugs they pumped through my veins to keep me alive…here’s hoping they haven’t caused any damage. Doctor Saunders keeps trying to lower my level of guilt and even though she pulls out all her big fancy schmancy medical terminology, it’s not working. I like my obstetrician. She’s lovely, although she doesn’t look a day over thirty. Good genetics it seems. Her name is Cassandra and she is rocking the coolest pixie haircut I’ve ever seen on a woman. I think it works on her because she has a small, slender face and light honey-coloured eyes. She’s such a petite woman, like a pocket rocket…small and fast, but I believe she has balls bigger than any man I know, even my dad, and that man is bloody ballsy.
The back door opens, causing my head to jolt upwards and my thoughts to disappear at the sound. John strolls past, waving a cream filled donut…my one request for this morning is being delivered. Our family is one big beautiful unit…my baby is going to be a very lucky child.
“Chocolate, cream, and freshly baked, Squirt.”
“You are my hero, John.”
“I know.” He grins.
“How do you think Will is doing with the counsellor this morning? Maybe I should have gone with him.” I’m so nervous for Willard. He looked wracked with nerves of his own before he left.
“May, he needs to do this on his own.” John passes me a plate with my delicious treat rested in the middle, before sitting in the single couch across from me.
“Yeah. I know.”
“Where’s Gem?”
“Bathroom,” I reply before taking an oversized bite of my sugary treat.
“Fair enough. I don’t like you out in the lounge in this wheelchair alone, though.”
“I’m fine…I mean, Gem had to pee. I’ll survive.” I swallow hard at the use of this very normal catch phrase. I will survive her pee stop. Life, not so much.
“If you say so.” His eyes narrow and his mouth twists. “Do you want something to drink?”
“Please. My water bottle is on the bench. If you could grab it for me, I’d appreciate it.”
“On it.” He retrieves the water bottle before taking a seat back on the couch, shifting until he finds himself comfortable.
“You okay, May?” Gem calls out.
I am not an infant who needs constant monitoring. Telling my family and friends this falls on deaf ears.
Gem appears suddenly, tying her hair into a messy bun.
John flashes her a pleasant smile. “Morning.”
“Morning.” She smiles back. “Okay, medication and then rest for you, young lady.”
“Eating donut. It’s tasty. Don’t disturb me.”
“I see.” Gem rolls her eyes.
“Let me give you a hand.” John stands, ready to be of assistance.
“Cool.” Gem plays it cool…nice work, if I may say so myself.
The two of them scurry the short distance to the kitchen and I’m not sure if the cupid inside me is antsy and he wants to play matchmaker or if there’s a vibe going on between these two. I need to find out more. This should help pass the day for me.
Brushing the crumbs that missed the plate from my yoga pants, I can’t help but wonder what will happen when I’m gone. Will Gem get married? Will it be to John or someone else? Will Lexi have kids and settle down? Will Mum and Dad have a grand fiftieth wedding anniversary like they’d always planned? So many what-ifs. The one thought still tearing holes through my heart, though, is will Willard find someone to see his days out with, a new lady he can give the mountain of love in his heart to? As much as I hate to think his hands will travel the skin of another, I hope he won’t wait too long.
A clearing of a throat has me snapping back into reality. “Take your pills.” Gem is shaking her head when I look up at her.
“Sure thin
g.” I comply.
“Where did you just go?” She tuts.
“The future,” I confess, looking between John and Gem.
“Again.”
“Been visiting a lot the past few days.”
“What do you think about?” John asks with his head cocked to the side and his feet resting on the coffee table after he slumps back in the chair.
“Everything. All of you. Our baby—”
“Whether Willard will get re-married and fall in love again.” Gem tuts for a second time before rolling her eyes.
I’ve already spoken to Gem about this most of the morning. “Yeah. That.”
“Why would you think such a thing?” John huffs, dropping his feet back to the ground.
“Because I want Willard to be happy.”
“That’s dumb. Stop. I don’t want to hear such rot. He’ll never move on. He’ll never want anyone but you, Maybelline.”
I smile in pity at John-John. He doesn’t understand that after time has passed, life will get easier.
“Don’t look at me like that.”
“What?”
“Like you know better.” He scowls.
“I just know life will take care of Willard for me.”
“This is bullshit,” John spits, getting to his feet. “I can’t listen to this crap a minute longer. Will has loved only you, May. He’s incapable of doing what you hope he will with another. I grew up with the two of you, remember…this is going to kill him. I hope you know that, right?”
“John, calm down.” I try to settle his increasing anger.
Watching his biceps bulge when he lifts his hands to the back of his head has me sweating.
John huffs outwardly and dramatically. “You don’t get it, do you?”
“Get what?”
He hisses. “Don’t worry about it. I’m going—”
“John, stop.”
“Maybelline, I’ll come back later. I need to go.” John marches towards the door, and I follow him with my eyes for as long as he stays within sight. Looking at Gem, I whisper, “Go after him. He needs a friend.”
“Are you sure?”
“Just go.”
Running her hand down my arm, she says, “I’ll be back in a minute. Don’t move a muscle.”