by Belle Brooks
“I think I’m in love with you, Maybelline,” he breathed against my lips, causing me to swallow hard. “No, I know I’m in love with you, May. I want to love you, Maybelline.”
A single tear rolled out from under my eyelashes and skirted my cheek before Willard pressed his lips upon mine and I tasted him for the very first time. He tasted sweet. This moment with my best friend was like a pleasant dream before waking. I loved Willard too.
Air needed to be claimed and as the attachment ceased, I took a large breath and allowed my eyelids to lift. Willard didn’t look the same as he did before the kiss. Willard looked like a new version of the man I’d only moments ago realised he’d become. He smiled at me in a way I’d never seen before.
“Are you okay, Maybelline?”
“I’m better than okay,” I whispered.
“So…”
“Yes,” I replied through a throat constricting tightly, caused from the butterflies flapping in the pit of my stomach, trying to escape my mouth with an excitable squeal.
“I love you, Maybelline.”
“I love you, Willard.”
“Will…Willard.” The blankets are wrapped around me as is Will’s arm and I feel as though I’m trapped and unable to free myself.
“May, are you okay? Do I need to call an ambulance?” Willard’s voice cracks and even though he’s still half asleep, he sits upright, untangling the mess of blankets around me.
“Our first kiss.”
The room is pitch-black, the night silent when he whispers, “Best day of my life.”
“Mine too.”
“Go back to sleep, Maybelline.”
“Okay.”
Helping me out of the shower, Will passes the towel whilst hanging on to the top of my arm at the same time. “Steady on, babe, you’re trying to move too fast,” he instructs, with his tongue half hanging out of his mouth. I’ve always loved how he does this when concentrating. Wrapping me up like a burrito, he assists me to the bed before carefully lowering me into a seated position. My stomach is growing rounder by the day and although it’s still quite small, it has added more pressure to my already fragile bones. My pain is increasing daily, but I’m a fighter and fighters can make it through any pain or challenge. Taking my ankle into his hand, Will begins the daily process of dressing me. He is adorable completing this act, a bonus, I guess, for my current condition. Enfolding his arms around my shoulders has me upright just enough that he can pull my underwear over my bottom before lowering me gently down again. Holding out my arms, the straps of my bra trace my skin and, for the first time since my surgery, I feel some pleasurable throbbing in my nether regions. That’s interesting. I guess I’m nearly mended.
“Don’t look at me with those eyes, May.”
“What eyes?” I use the act of playful innocence.
“You know what eyes I’m talking about. Your sexy eyes.”
I snicker. He knows me well.
“When the doctors give the go ahead and not before.”
“I know.” I sulk, letting my lip drop down.
Will chuckles in response.
After the clasp to my bra is fastened, he takes my lips in a quick peck. “You are looking very beautiful today.”
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“Now, let’s get your dress and jacket on.”
“Okay.”
The final touch is flat sandals. I pretend I’m Cinderella as he places them on each foot.
“It’s my glass slipper,” I declare.
“Finally, I’ve found you. I shall love you forever.”
“Lucky me.” I blow Willard a royal kiss.
He is quick to catch it and put it into the pocket of his board shorts. “I’ll save this one for a rainy day, hey.”
I smile before sending him a spare for the other pocket. He receives it with a wink.
In about thirty minutes we will get to see our little bundle of joy having a fat old time playing around in my womb. I still haven’t felt any movement yet, but Doctor Saunders said it is completely normal for a first-time mum not to feel anything until after twenty weeks. I hope this is the truth. Today, I’m most excited about hearing the heartbeat. It reminds me that this baby carries the beat of my own heart and always will, even long after mine stops and I’m gone. I’m at peace when this sound echoes throughout the room.
Mum and Dad hug me before we leave and tell both of us, numerous times, to get lots of pictures…of course. As we drive towards Wellington Street, Will takes his hand from the steering wheel and holds it out for me to take. I do without hesitation.
Doctor Saunders’ clinic is two streets over from the Wellington Medical centre, but given my situation, all my ultrasounds are performed in Doctor Brown’s room. He had equipment especially delivered for me. I wonder if all doctors go to this level of care and devotion for their patients, or if Doctor Brown is just one of those very rare and attentive physicians.
There are normally at least three differing doctors in attendance when I have an ultrasound. I have my suspicions I’m currently a lab rat. I’m okay with it, because maybe they can help some other woman who may face my destiny, from what they learn in caring for me.
When Willard parks the car in the disabled park right in front of the doors, I search my bag for the sticker I was sent in the mail. We’re required to put it on the inside of the windscreen. It’s funny how I have a disability sticker now. I appreciate it. It means less distance to walk.
Before Will turns the car off, he slips his hand under my chin and turns my head to face him. His eyes are glazed and he looks deep down into my soul. What is wrong?
“May, today they said we can find out the sex of the baby. Do you want to know?”
I have given this much thought, but I haven’t shared my thoughts with Willard yet. Offering him a soft smile, I brace myself for what I’m about to ask him to do for me. “Will, here.” Holding my palms upwards, he places his downwards on top of mine before lacing his fingers. “Last week when they told us—” I pause, taking a deep breath.
“I know what you’re trying to say, when they said you probably won’t wake up and come back to us after the C-section.”
“Yeah…there’s something I want you to do for me.”
“Anything.”
Taking another long pause, I will my breathing to slow, hoping it will lower my current heart rate.
“May, anything, tell me.”
“I want you to find out the sex today, but I don’t want you to tell me what the sex is.”
“Why?” He crosses his eyebrows and pinches his lips tight.
“Because if I don’t know whether it’s a girl or a boy, then maybe it will give me enough strength to find my way back to both of you so I can know myself. If I know now, maybe my body will fail me at the end.”
A tear pricks his eyes. “What if it doesn’t work, though, then you’ll never know.”
“I believe I will. I’m sure wherever I’ll end up, I will still be able to see you and the baby.”
Shaking his head, Will mutters something I can’t decipher. I remain patient until he speaks with more clarity. “So I will find out and you will stay alive so you can hold her or him with me.”
“I will try. That’s the plan.”
“Okay. Then this is what we’ll do.” Will drops his head, bringing my hands to his lips before kissing their backs. “You are a fighter, Maybelline.”
“I’ve got you to help me be stronger…braver.”
“Always and forever no matter the weather.”
“Exactly. Now there’s one more thing.”
Will’s head flicks upwards and he stares with a puzzled glare.
“You have to name the baby. If I only get minutes, I need to know the name.”
“We’ll just choose names together.”
“No. I need another reason to keep breathing.”
“May. No.”
“Please.”
This time the tears don’t just prick his
eyes. They slide the length of his face.
“You’ll do a great job. I know you will.”
Willard only nods before letting go of his grip and turning off the ignition.
Helping me out of the passenger seat, we walk hand in hand to Suite Five B. This time we don’t wait, not even a minute. Jessica ushers us straight out back. “You look beautiful, May.” She smiles.
“Aww. Thanks, Jessica.” I smile in return. Pregnancy must suit me.
“Good morning, May. How are you feeling today?” Doctor Brown says the moment we enter.
“Excited. I want to see the baby.”
His lips tug upwards as he gives me a quick wink. “We’re ready for you.” Shuffling into a room in the back of this one, I’m met by the usual kind expression Doctor Saunders delivers every time I’m in her company. Her pixie cut is still as impressive as the last time I saw her. I wish I could pull off a look like hers. My hair is quite damaged from the cancer and my pregnancy combined, so now I’m shedding a tonne of it, everywhere. Maybe I’ll end up with a shorter do myself before I pass.
“Are we ready to see this baby again?” Her eyes beam brightly.
“So ready.”
Will helps me onto the bed before two new male faces arrive. I don’t care who they are, what they do, or what they are doing here. I just want to hear the heartbeat. I’ve decided asking too many questions creates an uncomfortable environment for me, so I’ve made it a rule not to.
The sound of liquid being squeezed from a bottle signals the warm goo being poured onto my stomach, above the turned down band of my underwear. Will sits in a chair beside the bed, and Doctor Brown stands directly behind him.
“Do dum. Do dum. Do dum. Do dum,” Doctor Saunder’s sings when she puts a probe to my lower stomach. She stops making this sound when the baby’s heartbeat sounds strongly.
I close my eyes and relish its beat. “Music to my ears,” I breathe.
“Best sound ever,” she answers back. “Now sex, are we finding out today? We are doing a Four D ultrasound, which means it is going to look like an actual baby. No, not all pink and squishy, more orange, chubby, and squishy.”
I giggle at her non-medical terminology. I love Doctor Saunders.
Will’s voice tremors when he says, “I am. May is not. Could you please write it down on a piece of paper and give it to me at the end?”
“Of course.” She nods before switching a button on the machine.
The most amazing visual experience I’ve ever had in my life appears at this moment. Our baby looks like an actual baby.
“They are definitely your lips.” Will sighs when the probe captures the baby’s mouth.
“Your nose,” I note with tears streaming down my face as we keep our eyes transfixed on the screen. “It’s so beautiful, Willard, look what we did.”
“The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
He’s not lying.
We see little toes and little fingers. We count them together aloud…all six of us do. Then the screen gets turned away while they check the sex and make sure everything is developing correctly. We are told they could see the sex clearly and the baby was not at all shy. Willard will know the outcome of this process when he chooses to read the paper they give him, I guess. I’m happy with my decision. Although I feel bad in a way, I’ve asked a lot of Will over this time, but in my mind, I feel that if I have a reason to hold on, I can.
A perfectly growing baby is the outcome of today’s scan and when we say our goodbyes after a few vials of blood are drawn, we climb back into the car.
“Let’s go to Layla’s for lunch,” I announce.
Willard cocks his brow. He has no idea what I’m talking about. Of course, he doesn’t.
It’s no surprise I can’t remember how I arrived at Layla’s that day, but with a quick search of the Internet on my mobile phone, we find it with ease.
Leading Will inside, I tell him all about the day I came to be here and how afterwards when I got home, he sent me on the treasure hunt. The day I shattered his heart for the very first time.
Estelle is at a table talking to some diners when we enter. I knew it was her immediately. She looks just how I pictured her in my head. It’s funny, for a little while I had to convince myself I actually came here. That day was such a blur. When Estelle turns, her wrinkled lips pull tight in a smile and she says, “Maybelline, welcome back.”
Strangely enough, I missed her. I’ve thought often about her Layla in the last few weeks in times of quiet.
“The same burger?” she asks.
“Please,” I respond. “And one for Willard as well, please. However, he’ll have the tomato because, unlike me, he’s a fan.”
“Of course.” She grins, placing her soft hand to my lower arm.
Leading Will to the table I sat at by the window, I point out the strands of grass growing from the gutter across the road. They have grown a lot in the time it’s taken for me to come back to Layla’s.
Will nods before saying, “May, I feel like I’ve walked into a dollhouse or something.”
“You have.” I cock my head. “It’s Layla’s dollhouse.”
And while we wait for our burgers, I tell Will everything about what I know. I finish my story with, “See, Willard, life does go on. Yours will go on as well.”
He’s very quiet after this. We enjoy our lunch in the same quiet state and when I pat a napkin to the corners of my mouth, Will leaves the table and heads to the counter to pay the bill. I don’t get much of a chance to talk to Estelle as more people arrived after us, but I did get to give her another hug and have her place her hand to my stomach. “I see you made your decision.” She seems pleased by my choice.
“I did.”
“I’m very happy for both of you.”
This is the first time anyone has said these words to us. I mean, it’s normal to say after someone informs you they are expecting, but in my situation, it hasn’t been.
I didn’t think this wonderful day could get any better, but Estelle accomplished it.
The drive home is silent, but I’m grateful for this stillness because I’m rather tired from our morning adventures. Before long, I’m safe and sound back in our marital bed, with Willard pulling the sheet high to my chin.
“It’s getting chilly in the late afternoons now, so keep as warm as possible.”
April afternoons bring with it the cold and it also brings another year of our life together. Seven more days to go until the twenty-sixth of April and the anniversary of the day Willard came to stand before me in that paddock and we met for the very first time.
It’s four a.m. on Saturday morning and Mum is helping me to the lounge room. I’m not a fan of four a.m. However, I am a fan of today because it’s the day I complete my very first half marathon.
“Close your eyes,” Mum pleads when we are almost in the lounge room.
“What if I fall?”
“You won’t. I’m here.”
Letting my eyelids fold closed, Mum ushers me slowly. A loud yawn exits my mouth. God, I’m tired.
“Okay. Open them!” Mum squeals in excitement.
My mouth gapes open and tears spring from my eyes. Gem, Willard, Lexi, Dad, Sylvia, Alex, Streeter, and John are standing in a perfect line wearing white T-shirts, the ribbon colour for bone cancer in hot pink and thick lettering across the front each one says: “May’s Fight for Baby Connors.” I cry even harder as my body trembles. “Mum, oh my God!” I screech.
“Okay, turn around,” she instructs, and when they do, my legs shake, threatening to buckle from under me. Mum squeezes my shoulders, taking my weight. At the top, in the same hot pink it says: “May’s Fuck-It Bucket List.” Of course Gem would have had such a thing added. In number points underneath is all the things I wanted to complete before I died.
“I need to sit,” I sob.
There’s not a dry eye in the house when I scan my loved ones through my hazy sight after they’ve turned back around.
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“We love you,” John-John says, clearing his throat constantly.
“More than anything,” Gem adds before covering her mouth with her hand.
“Every day and night we’ll remember you,” Streeter says next.
I can’t even see him because my sight is completely blurred now.
“You are like a daughter to us, and we will never stop loving you,” Sylvia howls.
“You are brave beyond measure, Maybelline,” Alex chokes out.
“The best little sister a girl could ask for.” Lexi’s pitch is squeaky high.
“My slugger who from the very beginning of her life filled my heart with pure joy, and now fights like a warrior. You will always be Daddy’s little girl.” Dad sniffles.
“The daughter only a mother could dream of having, May-Day,” Mum whispers in my ear.
“My best friend. My wife. Together always and forever, no matter the weather,” Willard also whispers, wiping my eyes. I don’t have to see him to know it’s his touch. “We’re all fighting with you, baby. Let’s kick this Fuck-It Bucket List’s arse, together.”
It takes over twenty minutes and a thousand hugs from my team of supporters until I manage to hold my new shirt in my hands and read all the wishes I want to fulfil in my life.
1. Run a half marathon.
2. Do a kind act for someone less fortunate than myself.
3. Ride in a hot air balloon.
4. Go to America and play under a willow tree with my grown-up version of Willard.
5. Lose my virginity to Willard.
6. Jump out of an aeroplane.
7. Bungy jump from Wellington’s Gate Eight Bridge so I can see the mountains upside down.
8. Win an award for excelling in something.
9. Camp out under the stars.
10. Become a mother.
11. Find a hidden paradise and tell nobody.
12. Be the assistant on a game show.
13. Waltz in the rain.
14. Get married.
15. Eat an alive bug.