I try to pull myself up in the bed again, my hands hurting even more than they were last night. “Oh, fuck,” I cry out as my right arm gives way and I fall to the mattress, smacking my head on the bar at the side of the bed as I go down. “Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck, ooohh fuck.” My head hurts, my hands repeatedly rubbing at the area to sooth the pain.
Leighton’s body jumps up fast, his hands coming out to wipe the sleep from his eyes so he can see. “What’s wrong, Abbi? What’s wrong baby?” he asks me, the word baby making happy tears fill my eyes. The desperation in his voice is somewhat heart-warming.
He still cares for me, I know he does.
“You’re here,” I say wiping the leaking water that has escaped my ducts and is now trailing down my face. He stands from his chair, walking to me. His own eyes are puffy and full of unshed tears. It breaks my heart all over again, the pain he is suffering because of me and my choices and actions. It is cutting me open and leaving me to bleed.
He stands before me, his frame towering over my horizontal one. “Leighton,” I choke through the sob, unable to finish my sentence.
“Shhh, it’s okay baby.” He climbs onto the bed with me, pulling me to his side, his scent soothing me instantly.
“I'm sorry, Leighton, so, so sorry.” I continue to cry, every ounce of pain, regret and disgust I hold for myself, escaping through my tears. I don't know how I am to ever make this up to him, to take away the pain I know I have caused him. How was I ever going to mend his broken heart so he can love me once again?
“Shhh, baby, it’s going to be okay. God I’m so sorry, Abbi. I should have been there for you, not pushing you away. God, please forgive me,” he begs me, causing me to sit myself up, regardless of the pain searing through my hand.
“No, Leighton, no. Don't you bloody well dare, you do not apologise. God, you stupid bloody man. Fuck, this is entirely my fault, everything. You have to understand that, Leighton. You,” I point to his chest, the hardness hurting my fingertip, “have done nothing wrong, nothing at all.” I try to stop the damn breaking, I really do, but I fail miserably as the floodgates open.
“Oh, Abigail, baby please. I don't know how to make this better for you.” He sounds so desperate and broken.
He pulls my shaking, crying body to his hard one and cries with me. His tears soak my head as he cradles it to his chest. He repeatedly kisses the top of my hair, his lips soft but firm against my skin.
A few minutes pass and I force my body to calm down and stop shaking. I breathe through the hiccups as my lungs try to refill.
“Come on, Abbi. Come on baby, it’s all going to be okay, we’re going to be fine. Be strong for me, sweetie. God if only I had known how bad your addiction was, I would never have reacted the way I did. I would have been a little more rational. I need you, Abbi, we both need you so much baby.” By ‘we’, he means Mellissa and him. He is such an amazing father, I know for a fact these past three days my little girl has been so loved and cherished.
“Where is she?” I miss her tiny body so much, that scent you can only get from a baby.
“Antonio has her, he has taken her home to sleep. He came here from ours when he heard.”
“Why did he have Melissa? Where were you?” I ask him, not like it is any of my business, but I am intrigued.
“We’ll talk later, Abigail. We both need to be a hundred per cent honest with one another so we can start fresh.” He strokes my wet hair from my face and then kisses my reddened nose. God, why did such small gestures make my insides melt and turn to mush?
“I know, Leighton. I need so much help,” I admit for the first time, knowing now how bad it is. “I can't wait, I need to tell you. I need to get this out of me now before it completely absorbs me and there isn’t any Abbi left. I need to confront these demons and lay them to rest or cremate the fuckers.” I take a ridiculous amount of breaths to calm myself, before telling Leighton the entire story about Phillip and me. Even thinking about his name makes me want to heave.
I need to tell him how long this addiction has gone on for, and how bad it has become., and the fact that I can't go more than a few hours before popping more pills. I need to tell him that I had given a man oral tonight just to get a fix, which consequently led to me taking too much ketamine and turning myself into a fucking lunatic, busting my hands in the process.
Yes, I have remembered every single, disgusting detail of last night, every image refusing to leave my brain, permanently etched into my temporal lobe.
“You don't have to, Abbi. We can wait till you’re better.” He continues to soothe me in the way I love, his fingers of one hand playing with my hair, his lips brushing against my forehead, while his fingers of his other hand link in with mine. I feel at home again, even with all this bullshit still lying just beneath the surface, I feel safe again.
“I need to, Leighton. I am not going to get better until I get this all out. It will not leave me alone. I need you to know why I did what I did. You can make your mind up after that.”
He stands from my side of the bed and sits at the end, facing me. He crosses his legs like a child in an assembly at school. “Okay, I'm ready.” I can see the apprehension in his eyes, he doesn’t want to know. Who does? No man wants to hear why their fiancée fucked another man, why they are addicted to a stupid pill, controlled by it.
“Okay. It happened the day after Antonio was shot. I saw how much it affected everyone, you were distraught, my best friend was hysterical thinking she was going to lose her brother, Antonio looking so fucking weak I thought he would never get back to himself. That shot that had taken him out, not only hurt him, it killed a tiny piece of all of us. I was sick and tired of looking over my shoulder, wondering if you would ever come home. Waiting for a knock at the door to tell me you’d been murdered. I’d had enough of it, Leighton. That was my last straw.” I gulp down my fear of his rejection. I don't want him to walk away. Right now, I need him more than I ever have. “Anyway, I found a number in the telephone directory to the Blackmans, so I rung Phillip up and asked to meet with him. I was willing to do anything to get him away from us, get him off your back. I arranged to meet him at his place of work. When I got there, my anxiety was through the roof, so bad I couldn’t breathe. I took some of my tablets to calm myself down, to help me see it through. They made me feel fucking high, Leighton, made me so mixed up that I didn’t know which way was up or down. I know it’s no excuse for what happened, but the look you saw on my face through that video, that wasn’t how I truly felt, that was the tablets screwing with me.”
Leighton’s face is sad, his eyes down and his lips in a frown. I lean forward and stroke his leg, to let him know I love him.
“So, I went to his building and behind the fucking desk sat Kalina, the stupid whore. I know it’s irrelevant to the story, but she makes me so angry.” I can feel my fury rising. If there is one person on this planet I want to unload my glock in to, it’s her. “She saw me through to his office and left us alone. I spoke with him a few minutes, told him I wanted him gone, out of our lives for good. I told him that I was willing to do anything unless it harmed our baby. He told me to,” I breathe out, fighting my nerves to say the next words, “he told me to suck his dick, so I did. I didn’t want to, believe me Leighton, I never wanted to do that to you.” I start to cry, silent tears trickling my face. I try to conceal my face from him, hiding it behind my hands in shame. It isn’t his responsibility to calm me right now, I have done this to myself, so I have to deal with this myself. I sniffle and wipe away the snot and tears with a tissue from the side table.
“I fucked him, Leighton.” I tell him straight, no hiding the truth or lying, just pure and utter honesty. That is the only way we are going to get past this. I begin to sob loudly, feeling dirty and disgusting. Telling my (was) fiancé that I have been with another man when I am supposed to be faithful to him is something I never wish on anyone. I can’t control the animalistic cries that leave my mouth
; they are inhuman and downright scary in sound. I want to rip my own skin off to remove the filth lying there. The memory of his hands on me, touching and feeling me makes my sounds come out worse.
I begin to shake, my body’s way of coping. I can feel the need for more medication hitting, hard. The pain I have been in for the past two days; the sickness, convulsions, migraine and fatigue of the withdrawals has taken its toll on my body. I am well past ready for some tranquilisers. Why I thought I would buy drugs from a person in a club is beyond me. How fucking desperate am I, to risk killing myself for a quick fix?
Leighton is at my side in an instant, holding me and rocking me back and forth. He keeps telling me it is okay, that he is here now. Nothing bad is ever going to happen to me. I know, though, if it did, if something horrendous occurred, it would be because I deserved it, because I was a horrible, poisonous human being.
“I know, baby, I know what happened. You don't need to tell me. Thank you for the truth. It hurts, I’m not going to lie, it hurts so goddamn much, but I understand now. I wish you had spoken to me first. We were so tight, Abbi, we talked about everything, baby.” I nod into his chest, my tears staining and drowning his shirt.
“I know we were. I feel so fucking shitty about it. I wish I had listened to you and let you deal with it.”
“You are a fighter, Abigail; you were born to fight for your freedom. I get why you did it, shit, I would have done so as well if I felt as trapped and frightened as you obviously were. But, you have to trust me, trust that I will do everything in my power to keep you safe and from any harm. You have to understand I know what I’m doing, Abbi.” He lifts my head and wipes my tears away. “Abigail, look at me,” he commands me, my eyes automatically snapping to him, his dominant tone grabbing my attention straight away. “Good girl. Now listen to me very carefully.”
“Leigh...” I try to speak but his eyes focus in on me further, causing me to sink back into myself.
“Zip it, Abigail. Lips sealed until I say you can answer. I talk you listen. Understand?” He is very serious and that is making me so fucking hot that I should be committed. I should not be feeling this way, all wet and warm like this, I have been so selfish and hurtful. “Phillip, he is dead and buried, he is behind us. We cannot change what has happened, but we can forget it and move on. The problem we do need to deal with now is you and this fucking addiction you have. I will not let you near our daughter in the state you got into last night. Do you understand that, Abigail?” he asks me, the way he says my name has me clenching my inner muscles to stop the juices in my pussy from escaping and embarrassing me at such a serious time. I have seen his dominant side before, I have begged for it in fact, but now, this is a completely new level and Jesus Christ I am fucking liking it.
“You will listen to everything I tell you from now on, Abbi, you will do as your goddamn told or I will spank that arse so fucking hard you won't be able to forget, sweetheart. Do I make myself clear?” Fuck, I hiss between my teeth just about ready to explode. My body aches so much; the pressure inside so intense, any slight friction against my clit is bound to set me off.
“I said. Do. I. Make. Myself. Clear, Abigail?” He accentuates each and every single word, his deep gruff tone sending shivers through and all over my heated body.
“Perfectly,” I squeak out as I hold my thighs together, desperate to put my hand there and rub away the internal itch for an orgasm.
“Now, Abbi, I want you to come home, back to me and our daughter. You will not be touching those tablets ever again, you will not even think about it. There are other ways I can help you alleviate the tension and anxiety, much more effectively and in less harmful ways, but you have to trust me. You have to communicate with me. I believe this can make us stronger, Angel, but I need you with me, as one. We can't keep any secrets from now on, okay?” he tells me. I am curious as to his methods of calming me. I am intrigued and so fucking horny at the idea of him doing anything with me. I’d agree to sign my soul over to the fucking devil for a quick taste.
“Okay, I’ll do it. I know I can. Thank you so much, Leighton,” I tell him, relaxing into his frame. A huge weight has lifted from my shoulders, my body able to stand tall and move forwards.
“Now it’s my turn to be honest, sweetheart.” My eyes flicker to his.
“No, Leighton, there is nothing I want to know. Whatever you have done I don't care.”
“You might care, and we need a level playing field to make this work, so you will listen to me and you will tell me how you feel about it, okay?” I nod to him, urging him to continue.
I know I have given him free rein to do as he pleases, but I pray to God that it didn’t lead him to the one person I would enjoy ripping to shreds. Please do not let it be Kalina.
Leighton
So I have a plan. I am going to tell her everything that has happened from the moment I saw that CCTV footage. Including my finger fun with Kalina, my cane attack on Delilah and then my awesome back alley bang with Scott. She is going to be completely aware and have no excuse to say I withheld anything from her. This is going to take us to an even ground, a solid foundation on which to move forward.
The next step; I am going to make her aware of who I am, not the Leighton she has become accustomed to, but the real me, the Leighton who will take a paddle to her arse if she ever behaves the way she did, again. The Leighton that will have her pretty mouth gagged so quickly if she ever tries to top me from the bottom again. God I am looking forward to this, far too much, in fact. Some may think it isn’t natural for the human mind to have such deranged and perverse thoughts, but the very idea of having her bound and begging at my mercy, has my dick like granite in seconds. I can already see the submissiveness in her from the times I have slyly dominated her in the past. Her pussy becomes so fucking wet on those occasions, the moment my voice drops an octave and gives her an order she will clench around me.
“Abigail. You need to listen now, okay. I need you to tell me how you feel, do not hold it in, I do not want you worrying yourself or getting yourself needing that shit. Understand?” She nods her head to me, and I fucking hate it. I want to hear her beautiful voice obeying me.
“I said, do you understand, Abigail? This is where you speak.”
“Yes, I understand, but, Leighton, I really don't care. I told you in that letter, you do what you have to, to get past this.” Is she really saying that, does she not understand how much I fucking love her? The only thing that was going to get me past this was her talking to me, telling me the truth. I know she tried, but I was too fucking angry to talk then, I just needed a bit of time away from her, to get my thoughts together so I could approach her without wanting to spank the ever living shit out of her.
“Abigail Adams, I am warning you, open your ears and listen to me.” She nods once and sinks back into herself.
“Okay, so three days ago, as I was packing up to leave, after receiving your text, Tom came in to hack Phillip’s CCTV. We were flicking through and I saw you both on there. I was so fucking angry, so murderous that I had to go to Phillip first before I came to see you. I needed to get rid of the anger boiling up inside me, or the majority of it before I took it all out on you. So anyway, I went straight there from work, I killed him outright.” I'm not going to tell her my sick deranged scene I had him play out, or the fact seeing him so scared had my dick hard. “Kalina was there with him. I was so wound up with tension, so far in Dom space after his blood splattered the floor. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, me and Kalina, we did stuff. We didn’t fuck, but she did suck me off and I fingered her.” I shiver recalling her. Yes, she is sexy as hell, her pussy is tight as a vice (surprisingly) and yes, she does suck dick so fucking phenomenally any man is lucky to last a minute with her mouth on them, but she is not Abbi, she is not MY Abigail.
“Okay.” I can tell that little fact has hurt her a lot.
“Abigail, how does that make you feel, truthfully?” She needs to be
honest; I don't want this ripping her apart anymore. I need her in my life as a whole person, not part of an empty shell that no soul resides in anymore. We have both screwed up monumentally. Me for not making her feel safe enough in her own home, driving her to take it upon herself to sort my mess out, only to make it worse.
“Truthfully, I feel fucking sick to my stomach. Anyone else and I would just brush it off as your own hurt impending your judgment. But her, that stupid little slut, the rat who threatened to help assist killing our baby, by kicking it from my womb, god that hurts so much, Leighton.”
I feel my anger boiling over now, she fucking said what? That bitch will get it I tell you that now. I know a few women who would love to get their hands on her. “Abigail, thank you for telling me that, I will have her dealt with. If I had known she had threatened my child I would have shot the slut too.” I see a stray tear fall from her eyes as she mentally recalls the day this all happened. I haven’t once thought of what Abbi has gone through, and I feel like an arsehole for not taking the time to understand the full extent of everything.
“It’s not your fault, Leighton. I just hate her so fucking much, I want to bury her, its raw and hot inside of me, and I don't think I’ll be happy until she is deformed or dead.” It is easy for me to arrange that in my line of work. I can easily have her disposed of, and after the pain she has caused my fiancée, I am inclined to.
“I can have it arranged, Abbi. If it helps with the pain inside of you, I’d happily put the bullet in her head, myself.” I wipe all of her tears away, kissing each and every one of them, kissing her eyelids and cheeks to soothe her.
“No, Leighton, if it happens, I want to do it. I will get back at her if it’s the last thing I do. She will pay for the pain she caused me.” She sniffles back the sob I know she wants to release, she is so goddamn strong. She has been through hell and back in her life and she is somehow still standing. I admire her for that alone.
Dauntless (The LockDown Series Book 2) Page 8