by Meg Jolie
She was nodding now. “The two of you would be such a disaster. I mean, talk about awkward? This was bad enough. Can you imagine this all the time?”
“Well, actually—”
“I get it. It was just a rebound thing. So,” she said, getting all serious on me again, “from here on out? Just stay away from him. I mean, he might be my punk of a little brother but I don’t want him hurt. And I know you wouldn’t mean to, but you’d hurt him. You’re still too hung up on Corey. Even if you didn’t mean to hurt Tristan, you would,” she informed me.
I wanted to disagree but didn’t dare. Though truthfully, Corey hadn’t really crossed my mind.
“Besides, you have absolutely nothing in common.”
To that, I couldn’t even begin to form an argument. I sighed instead. “Basically you’re saying I’ll hurt him and I’m not smart enough for him? In other words, I’m not good enough for him?”
Her face scrunched. “No. I’m not saying that. I’m just…you two would never work.”
I nodded, pretending to agree with her. “Okay. So do you feel better now? I mean, are you and I okay?”
She shrugged. “I guess. Just you and Tristan, don’t ever do whatever this is again. Okay?”
I shrugged because I was not willing to promise anything
8
I wasn’t feeling too great. My stomach felt off. In general I just felt…off. I wasn’t sure if it was because of what had gone down with Tristan. Or if it was due to the amount of hot chocolate and fudge truffles I’d ingested. Probably, it was a combination of the two. I could just add it to the growing list of stupid things I’d done this weekend.
Kissing Tristan? I surprised myself by realizing that I didn’t consider stupid.
Letting Jamie think it was a onetime thing? I wondered if that had been a bad choice.
Allowing Tristan to just walk out the door? I was wishing I hadn’t done that, either. But with Jamie standing right there, it would’ve been awkward trying to stop him.
I couldn’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if she hadn’t shown up. A smile danced across my lips as I remembered the sweet way Tristan smiled at me. I had wanted him to kiss me. And to be honest, I’d be happy to kiss him again. I couldn’t help but wonder if we would’ve if he hadn’t had to hurry on his way.
So I’d spent the day feeling jittery and unsettled. For once, I wasn’t even able to read because I simply couldn’t concentrate. I’d get to the end of the page, and worse, the end of the chapter and realize I had no idea what had gone down.
Finally, I’d abandoned my books for a sappy-movie marathon. I’d headed down to the family room and found the woman’s network my mom liked so much. I’d flipped the switch on the gas fireplace and turned off the lights. I curled up on the couch, under a blanket. Over the course of two movies I’d managed to overdose on melodrama and chocolate.
I had started to worry about what Tristan was thinking of my right about then. It wasn’t like I had guys spend the night often. Or…ever. In the nine months Corey and I were together, he’d never stayed once. He didn’t flat-out admit it but I had a hunch his impatience with me was a huge part of why he’d broken up with me. Not that Tristan and I had really done anything too… out of hand. But we had gotten a little carried away. I didn’t want Tristan to think badly of me. But I was feeling kind of…trampy. I didn’t want him to think I was a tramp. Or a floozy. Or, as my grandma would say, a trollop.
As the second movie of the evening came to an end, I wondered what I should do next. It surprised me just how concerned I was with what Tristan thought of me. Or maybe, him being a guy, he didn’t think much of it at all. Would that be better or worse? I wasn’t sure. I was watching the credits roll, feeling too bummed to do anything when my phone announced a text.
As always, I assumed it was Jamie or Willow. My heart took off in a surprising dance when I realized it was Tristan.
Can I come over?
Sure, I texted back immediately.
I glanced down, wondering how much time I had. Obviously, I wasn’t expecting company. And I was dressed to prove it. I groaned as I took in my pink socks with white polka dots, white sweats pulled to the knee and a tight fitting but completely plain long sleeved, pink t-shirt. The doorbell rang and I found myself grateful that at the very least, while scruffy, my clothes were still coordinated.
I bounded up the stairs, pulling my low ponytail a little tighter because I could feel it was starting to fall out. I slid my glasses back up on my nose as I opened the door.
A gust of cold burst in as I let Tristan inside.
“Sorry, I didn’t give you much notice,” he said.
“Sorry I’m such a mess. I didn’t have time to change,” I admitted.
You look…” he paused. “Well, you always look great.”
“Thanks.” We just stood there for a few seconds, looking at each other. I realized that neither of us really knew what to say. “So, um, do you want to come in?” I asked when I realized he’d made no move to take any of his outdoor gear off.
He shook his head. “Nah. That’s okay. I’m not staying long. But I thought it would be easier to talk to you here rather than try to call you. Jamie’s been following me around all day. I knew if I called, she’d do whatever she could to listen in.”
I nodded. Mostly because I wasn’t sure what to say. My head was tangled up a few sentences back. When he’d said he didn’t want to stay.
“About last night…” he started and I cringed.
He faded off so I dove in.
“I want you to know, I’m not normally like that. I mean…” Embarrassment colored my cheeks and my voice. I found myself staring at Tristan’s shoes. “I don’t usually…it’s not like guys just spend the night all the time.” Or ever. There, I said it. I felt like a complete idiot, but at least I said it.
“Hey,” he said as he slid his fingers under my chin, tilting it up so I’d have to look at him. “I know. Jamie told me, it was just a rebound thing. That you know, it didn’t really mean anything. We just got caught up in a weird moment,” he said sheepishly. “I mean, I kind of figured but…” He gave me a teasing smile and shrugged. “What can I say? Would I be a horrible person if I admitted that I’m glad if it had to be someone, that it was me?”
“Me too,” I honestly told him. His eyebrows twitched, maybe in question. I was thinking that maybe I should elaborate. But my mouth didn’t seem to want to work. I was not good at this kind of thing. I wanted him to say something. I knew if he did, I’d chime right in. But to be the one to say it first? Maybe that came easy for some people. But it didn’t come easy for me. Especially when it seemed like the whole reason he came over was to tell me it was no big deal.
I wished Jamie hadn’t told him it was a rebound thing. It just sounded bad and I wasn’t even sure it was true. For one thing, I wasn’t sure I was rebounding. Not anymore.
“So,” Tristan said as he cleared his throat and backed away from me again, “I just thought it would be best if I came over. I just wanted to be sure things were okay with us. No weirdness, everything back to normal. I wanted you to know that I absolutely didn’t expect anything to come of it. So. I’ll save you from having to give the I-really-like-you-only-as-a-friend speech. And I’ll save myself from hearing it. It’ll be easier and we’ll both be better off. Sound good?”
“Yeah, of course,” I said. It may have come out as more of a scoff than an agreement. I crossed my arms over my chest. I forced a smile and a shrug. Like this conversation was no big deal.
“Great. We can just forget about it and pretend nothing ever happened.” He backed up, all the way to the door.
I nodded. “That’s probably a good idea.” I tried to sound like I believed it. In all honesty, this was not what I was expecting from Tristan. Not at all. It left me feeling more than a little baffled. Too baffled to actually say what was on my mind. But only for a second and then what was on my mind exploded from my mouth. “I don’t want you
to think I’m a tramp. Or a…a…floozy,” I said, quite lamely. If he thought that it was just a hook-up, nothing more, I didn’t want him to think less of me for it.
He quirked his eyebrows at me.
“I mean—”
He saved me from saying it.
“I think I know what you mean. And I don’t. I wouldn’t,” he said. He looked like he was trying not to laugh. I wasn’t sure if I should be offended or not. “I would never,” he said, “think of you as a tramp.”
I just nodded, waiting for him to say more. Because it seemed like there should be more to say.
He hesitated for a moment and my eyes finally flicked back to his. He opened his mouth but only silence continued to fill the room. I wanted him to say something other than what he’d already said. I was wondering if I should be the one to say it. But then his hand was on the doorknob.
He heaved out a sigh. “I guess I’ll see you later then.”
“Yup,” I said. I gave him my brightest smile as he opened up the door.
He gave me a little nod and then he was gone, the door latch clicking into place behind him. I stood there for a bit, shivering in the cold that had just crept in.
If I’d felt disappointed earlier, when Tristan had said he didn’t plan on staying, it felt nothing like it did now. Having watched him go.
My heart seemed to be in a free-fall without end. I couldn’t catch my breath as I stood staring at the closed door.
“What am I doing?” I asked myself.
I realized as soon as he was gone that this was definitely not how I wanted things to go. I pulled the door open and darted into the falling snow. My feet crunched over the snow as I ran after him.
“Tristan!” I called. “Wait!”
He stopped. He was almost at the end of our driveway but he turned around. It wasn’t completely dark yet. But it was cold and dismal. Sharp little flecks of ice were falling from the sky, biting at my face as I closed the distance between us. I could see the surprise on his face. I trotted up to him.
“If I said I didn’t want things to go back to how they were, would that change things?” I asked as I stood in front of him. My breath came out in a cloudy white puff.
He tilted his head to the side. “What do you mean?”
“You’re the smart one,” I said with a smile. My cheeks were already starting to go numb. I wrapped my arms tightly around myself as I started hopping from one foot to the other. “Are you going to make me spell it out?”
He nodded but he was grinning. “Yes.”
“Ohhhkay,” I said. I drew out the word as I tried to gather up some courage. I told myself it was just Tristan. But that almost made it worse because it was Tristan. I didn’t want to do something stupid that would ruin the friendship we had. I really didn’t want to do anything that would cause problems with Jamie and me. And yet…I realized that I liked him. Maybe even liked him a lot. So I said it. Just like that. “I think I like you. I mean, I might even like you a lot.”
“Since when?” he wondered. He didn’t bother to hide his disbelief.
I shrugged and I started to shiver. I held my arms tighter around myself. It didn’t help. “I don’t know exactly when. Does it really matter?”
“Fair enough,” he said with a small laugh.
I grinned, probably stupidly at him, as I danced from one foot to the other. “So, do you maybe want to come back inside with me? I mean, you don’t have to…obviously…”
“You don’t have shoes on!” he realized.
“I know. I should probably go back inside,” I said as I continued my hopping. “So, you don’t have to. Of course. But if you, um, want to…”
He leaned close, wrapping his arms around me; lifting me just enough so my sock covered feet were dangling above the icy ground. I wrapped my arms around his neck. “You say that like I might not want to,” he said with a grin.
“So you do want to?” I was sure my face was crinkled up into a look of hopeful confusion.
“See, this is one of the things I like most about you. You have no idea how tempting you really are. Yeah, I’ll come back inside with you,” he said. He started moving toward the house, with me dangling in his arms.
“Am I heavier than you thought?” I asked as we trudged along.
“I am not going to answer that,” he said with a laugh. “But it’s not as easy as they make it look in the movies.”
“You could put me down,” I suggested. I was kind of hoping he wouldn’t. My feet had gone numb.
“Nah, I got ya.” He readjusted me as we reached the steps. Luckily there were only two.
“If I’m heavy for you,” I told him, “it’s probably because you’re wearing a bulky jacket. It’s probably just in the way.”
He laughed at that. “Yeah. I bet that’s it. Not because I’m not some freakishly strong superhero.” He placed me on my feet so he could swing the door open. I hopped inside.
“So…does Jamie know you’re here?” I wondered.
He shrugged. “I didn’t tell her. I’m not sure if she realized I left or not. I’ve been waiting all day for her to stop following me around. As soon as she went into her room, I slipped out the door.” He narrowed his eyes at me. “Are you worried about her?”
“A little,” I honestly replied. “I don’t want her mad at me. And I don’t want things to be weird for her.”
He had begun to slip his jacket off but he stopped with it hanging half off. “Do you not want me to stay? I mean, I want to. But I don’t have to.”
A ping pong ball had nothing on my emotions. They were bouncing all over the place. I was wondering what I was getting myself into.
“No, I definitely want you to,” I told him.
He looked like he was debating something as he slid his jacket all the way off. He hung it on a hook and then he finally said, “You know Jamie as well as I do. She’s not going to like this. Actually, she’s probably going to hate this. I already got an earful this morning.”
I smiled, imagining it. “I did too,” I admitted.
He made a conspiratorial face at me. “We don’t have to tell her.”
“I need to tell Jamie,” I told him with a laugh. “She’s my best friend and I don’t keep secrets from people.”
“Yeah,” he admitted. “I figured. But thought it was worth it to ask.”
He followed me down the stairs.
As I tossed myself onto the couch, I belatedly wondered if I should’ve turned on the light. I’d been sitting with only the light of the television—which was now off—and the fireplace. The flames were still flickering away. Their hazy amber glow made the room warm and cozy.
Tristan sat next to me. He grabbed my feet and spun me around so they were in his lap. He peeled off my socks. My feet were freezing and the snow that had stuck to them was starting to melt.
“I can’t believe you didn’t put shoes on,” he said. He had an amused smile as he grabbed them and warmed them in his hands. One at a time, holding them and rubbing them. I was trying not to think it was weird that Tristan was rubbing my feet. Because feet are…well, feet. And I for one don’t really care for them. I mean, I don’t like my own feet. The idea of holding someone else’s is just—
A little hum of appreciation slipped out of my mouth. The friction he was causing to get the heat flowing again felt so good.
“Better?” he asked.
I nodded as he let them go. I curled up my legs so my feet were under me.
We just sat there for a few minutes. Neither of us seemed to know what to say. The awkwardness of the moment pressed down on us both, strangling us with discomfort. I’d sat next to Tristan possibly hundreds of times over the years. At his house. In my backyard. At restaurants. In the tree house they used to have in the Jacobs’ backyard. In the backseat of a car. Even last night, alone in my car. But then, we’d had a destination and a definite purpose. Now? It was just the two of us, alone, at my house with the lights off and a fire blazing in the background.
So instead of feeling familiar, it felt strange. While it wasn’t exactly uncomfortable, it was very, very different from what I was used to feeling when I was around him.
It wasn’t like things had first been with Corey. There had been no friendship before it. Just attraction and then dating. Not years of history. With someone that I never imagined, until just recently, finding myself with.
And while it may have been building for a while, in some ways, it felt like it had all happened so fast. It was all so…unexpected.
Sitting here, alone with him. With all of these unasked questions between us.
Do I find a movie to watch?
Do we make small talk?
Did these mean we were actually dating?
Was this a date?
Or did this just mean that he was more than willing to come in?
We weren’t just…hanging out, were we?
No. I decided. If that was all this was, he wouldn’t have said Jamie would hate it. Although, maybe he would have. As that thought darted through my mind, I realized that might not be true. Jamie wouldn’t like us together-together, but she wouldn’t want us hanging out either. Was that all he’d meant?
I was flustered.
I glanced up at Tristan and he looked as nervous and confused as I felt. He finally asked the question that I couldn’t.
“So…now what?” he wondered. His expression was somewhere between a smirk and a smile.
My heart swirled in my chest. If I’d had any doubts about what I’d started to feel, they vanished in that moment.
“You could just kiss me,” I suggested. “We could get the weirdness out of the way.”
Did I just say that? Out. Loud?
Apparently I did. He hesitated, just like he had the night before. His eyes taking in my face, trying to decide if I was serious or not. My expression must have told him I was. He pulled me into him and I was more than happy to go. He was warm and I was still chilled. His arms slid around my back and pulled me closer, until I was in his lap.
He, of course, smelled like mint. When his mouth came down on mine he tasted like mint. Suddenly I was thinking mint was a severely underappreciated scent, or flavor, or herb. Whatever the heck it was, it was quickly sliding onto my list of very favorite things.