When Mark and I had come to bed last night, I hadn’t changed out of my shorts and T-shirt. Mark had stayed in his lounge pants and held me all night long. It had been perfect and exactly what I’d needed.
Allison and I headed downstairs and pulled out some fruit and pastries that Mark had told us about last night at dinner. We were sitting at the bar when my phone and Allison’s beeped at the same time.
Mark: Hey, we are about to hit the river.
Me: Hey, Sport. Save some of the rough-water riding for me.
Mark: Damn it, Sam. I do not need to be hard with a bunch of guys in the raft.
Me: I like you hard. It makes me wet.
Mark: We are going to paddle the hell out of the river today, so I can get back to you.
Me: Until then, I’ll see what kind of trouble I can get into. Hmm…did I bring my BFFF?
Mark: Fucking hell. You’re killing me. I’ve never been more jealous of a vibrator in all my life.
Me: Paddle hard.
I looked over at Allison, and she was watching me, having already put her phone away. With our hair piled on top of our heads and wearing yoga pants and T-shirts, we both looked like we’d had rough nights but for different reasons.
She was smirking. “Please do not tell me you were sexting right beside me after everything else you have put me through.”
“I wasn’t sexting.” I tried to act all nonchalant, but my damn cheeks flushed, like I was a teenager getting caught sneaking in past my curfew.
She playfully pushed me. “Liar.”
“Well, you asked me to tell you that, and I did.”
“Geez, Sam, you’ve got it bad.”
“Is that bad?”
I knew she was playing, but I didn’t want to be one of those crazy, possessive girlfriends who clung to her boyfriend like he was the air she breathed.
She matched my seriousness. “No, I didn’t mean it like that. You just get a sweet, gooey expression when you’re texting him. It’s a good thing.”
“Oh, okay.” I looked down at my plate. “I’m new to all this. I don’t want to screw it up.”
She grabbed a bagel off the plate. “I remember feeling like I wasn’t good enough for Damien, like he was going to wake up from whatever fantasy he was living in and leave me. I was scared that I was falling too hard, and I’d be left heartbroken.”
Taking a bite of my pastry, I forced myself to eat to calm my stomach. “It was obvious Damien never felt like that. Anyone who saw how he looked at you knew how crazy he was for you. I knew it from the first time I met him at the bar.”
“Sam…”
I stopped scooping the bowl of berries onto my plate and looked up. “Yeah?”
She looked me straight in the eyes. “The way you saw Damien looking at me is exactly how the world sees Mark looking at you. Enjoy your relationship. Don’t spend so much time, like I did, wrapped up in self-doubt. Remember, my mom used to say, ‘Enjoy the road you’re on. Don’t worry about where the road leads as long as you are staying true to yourself.’”
It all clicked in that moment. Mark knew my past, and he’d accepted it. He still wanted me. Letting my best friend’s advice take root, I smiled as I started to believe the fact that he really wanted me. There would be obstacles in our relationship, but I wanted to give it my all. I wanted to give myself over to him completely, to share my life with him. I wanted to let go of that horrible night.
“Allison, thanks for always being there for me exactly in the way I needed it.”
She leaned over and gave me a squeeze. “There’s nothing you can do to get rid of me. If you don’t want to talk about this, let me know.”
I nodded, not sure where she was going with her line of questioning.
She continued, “How are you doing with all this? How did it go last night after I left?”
Pushing the berries around on my plate, I thought about how I felt. “I’ve been keeping it buried for so long that it was cathartic to let it out. The first time I had sex after the incident, I was apprehensive, but there was a release that it provided for me. From there, I thrived on having sex with no strings, which seemed to keep me in balance. I know it wasn’t healthy, but it kept the crazy feelings at bay. I was always safe, and I know it sounds as if I had hoards of partners, but that is not the case. I’ve had a lot but not hoards.”
She thought for a moment. “I haven’t personally gone through it, but I know Damien used sex as a means to forget things that had happened. The only thing I wish is that you didn’t have to carry that by yourself for all those years. I don’t know how either you or Damien did it without talking about it. Why didn’t you ever report it or tell anyone? Will you ever consider going to the cops? I’m not pushing. I’m just asking, trying to understand why you kept it to yourself.” She held her hands up in surrender to emphasize that she wasn’t pushing.
She is adorable.
I knew this was coming, but it still made it hard to talk about. “Greg wasn’t himself that night. You remember seeing us together. He was always so attentive to me. He put me ahead of everything. We were both drunk that night, and I think he had taken something else. After I broke up with him, he tried reaching out to me over and over again. He begged and pleaded for me to give him another chance. Greg thought we broke up because I had found out he cheated on me. He told me about how he’d woken up naked in the barn that morning, but he couldn’t figure who he had been with. He was so sorry for being unfaithful and said it would never happen again. He loved me. He wanted to marry me. With the way he groveled, I couldn’t tell anyone. He had a scholarship to a university, and if he knew what happened, Greg would have turned himself in. He needed that scholarship. He wouldn’t have been able to go to college without it. By telling anyone what had happened, all it would have done was ruin more lives. I couldn’t do that. Our parents didn’t know we were dating, so I figured it could all be swept underneath the rug and forgotten.”
“Sam—”
I held up a finger, cutting her off. She needed to see my point in this.
“Right, wrong, or indifferent—it’s my choice. I don’t want to dwell on that part. I don’t want my life scrutinized and combed through like I’m the suspect. I don’t want my dirty laundry aired in front of my parents and complete strangers. When you were nearly raped after being drugged by Brad, I knew in that moment I should have come forward when Greg raped me during our senior year. At the time, I was scared of getting into trouble for going to that party. I didn’t want my life turned upside down. Stupid, I know. That was why I started the awareness program and emphasized the part of telling someone. I should have told someone then. Being raped still royally fucked with my head, but I’m dealing with it the best I can. It might make me a hypocrite, but I’m the one who has to be okay with my decision, not everyone else.”
She was about to say something, but I cut her off again, wanting to drive the point home. “I’m not condoning what he did. I know anyone from the outside looking in would criticize my decision. I’m at peace with my decision though, and ultimately, it’s my decision to make even if everyone else thinks it is the wrong one. I want my life back. I want to leave the past in the past.”
She put a hand on my shoulder. “Sam, I was going to say, I support you. I’ll always support you. Just make sure you have truly dealt with the past. Otherwise, it has a way of coming back to the present and forcing you to work through it. Speaking from experience with Damien, that’s generally the harder way to deal with it. You remember my mom always said, ‘Never judge someone’s decisions until you’ve walked in that person’s shoes.’”
Regardless of how haggard we looked, it felt good to decompress. Breakfast had all but been forgotten at this point.
“Thanks, bestie. Two regrets that I’ll always have are not talking to someone and using sex as an unhealthy coping mechanism. My relationship with Mark might have started out with only sex, but making love to him last night rocked me to the core and shattered all th
ose defenses.”
“Just remember, I’m here if you need to talk. I love you.”
I knew that she was truly going to support me in whatever I did. She wasn’t judging me. She was just being my best friend.
I reached for my glass of juice, feeling relieved. “I love you, too. You’ll probably get tired of all my questions.”
For some reason, I had made this thing with Mark into something big, scary, and terrifying, and it was the exact opposite.
Allison genuinely responded, “Never. I’m here anytime you need me. Enjoy the relationship, and remember to talk it out. I think people get into trouble because they don’t say what they are really thinking, and it causes things to fester. Then, a big misunderstanding happens, and it just blows up from there. A lot of heartache could be avoided if everyone stayed true and honest to themselves.”
“You’re starting to sound like your mom with all that poetic advice.”
Allison smiled as she thought about her mom. I knew Allison missed her mom each and every day. I knew it was hard being pregnant and not having her mom to talk about it with. She had called my mama a lot, and I was glad, but a mom can never be replaced.
“Thanks, Sam. I hope so. I miss them. Damien and I went last week to the cemetery to tell them about the baby.”
I squeezed her hand, and she gave me a smile that was laced with sadness as her other hand went to her stomach. We all had sad parts in our lives, but each and every day, all we could do was make the best out of the moments we had. Allison had lost her parents tragically, but she had welcomed love when it found her in the end.
I put my free hand on top of hers as I said, “I’m glad you’ve found a way to keep them in your life. You’re going to be a wonderful mother.”
“Your mom has been great. She’s helped Damien a lot, too.”
Her phone beeped, and by the smile on her face, I knew it was Damien checking in on her again.
We had both showered and dressed and were now on the back deck, laughing. Mark’s place provided peace and comfort to me, like we were on a deserted island all by ourselves.
“Sam, I swear, I might not survive this pregnancy with my husband. He’s going completely overboard. He already has the route planned to the hospital with five backup contingency routes.”
I was mid-sip of my orange juice when I snorted, and it came out my nose. “Shit.”
Grabbing a napkin, Allison laughed at me while I cleaned myself. I could picture Damien having it all planned with road maps in case all technology went down. The image was too damn funny.
“So, have you ever had anal sex?” Allison asked it as if she were asking me how I liked the weather today.
I was mid-gulp again, and then I was choking for air.
“Geez, Sam, you all right?”
I was still trying to recover. “Shit. No.”
Allison was up, patting my back. Finally, I recovered from my second near-choking experience in a time span of less than five minutes.
“Just took me by surprise. I prefer to keep the party in the front. Why? Have you?” I gave her a nudge with my foot.
“No.” She actually seemed a little disappointed.
Roar, Allison.
She huffed a little and continued explaining as I raised my eyebrow, “Damien said he wanted to a while back. I brought it up to him recently, and you would have thought I was asking to bring another man into bed with us. Needless to say, I don’t foresee it in our future anytime soon.”
I loved having girl time with Allison. It had been a long time since we had talked.
“If he wanted to take the party to the back before, he’ll want to after the baby is born. I bet he’s being more cautious with you overall.” A giggle escaped as I thought about how much more open Allison was about sex.
“Yes, oh my gosh, I want to scream sometimes.” She slapped her chair. “I won’t break.”
“Horny much there, dear?”
We both started laughing.
Four out of the five security guards, including Bane, had been left here to watch us. Three of them were currently patrolling the perimeter, and I caught sight of them. Allison seemed to have adjusted to their presence, or she forcefully forgot they were around. I had to admit that it was very distracting to have them constantly watching, roaming, and talking into those damn ear things.
“Before the baby is born, I think it would be fun to do a girls’ night sometime,” Allison said.
I was about to respond to Allison’s statement about the coronary she was going to cause her husband when we heard the sound of an approaching boat. The security team was in place and ready to go.
Bane was at the dock with two security guards as Jeremy, another security guard, walked toward us.
“Ladies, would you mind stepping inside while we see what’s going on?”
Allison responded, “Sure, Jeremy.”
She was used to this behavior now and rolled with it. We stepped inside and went to the study while he stood guard at the entrance. From in here, there were no windows that allowed us to see outside. I sat my phone down on the table. Even though I knew we were safe, my heart was speeding up. Allison was cool as a cucumber as she sat down on the couch.
“Does this not make you nervous?” I asked.
She crossed her legs. “No, not instances like this. It’s probably one of Mark’s friends or family members, and they don’t realize the extreme measures Damien takes. When we are in public places, then yeah, I get a little more nervous because of the whole Ben incident, but I refuse to let it rule me. The therapist helped a lot with that. Damien would have me in isolation if he could, so the compromise is increased security for peace of mind. You probably haven’t noticed how the security is when we are at functions, but this is pretty standard.” Allison’s phone beeped, and she smiled. “It’s Damien. He said Mark’s mom and sister are here to say hi while the boys are gone.”
She typed something back as my stomach plummeted.
“Holy hell, what am I going to do? I wasn’t supposed to meet them on this trip. I’m not ready for this. Shit.” I was mortified about meeting his family. “Do you think they know about me?”
Allison came up to me and grabbed my shoulders. “I’m sure that’s why they’re here.” She gave me a wink.
Not helping.
“Hey, just be yourself. I can’t imagine Mark having a house close to them if they’re crazy. Plus, it really can’t get much worse than my in-laws, and hey, I’m still standing. You can do this, Sam. I’ve met them once at a game, and they seemed nice. You’ve got this.”
I let out a nervous laugh as I rubbed my hands on my yoga pants. Allison had been dealt a pretty bad deck when it came to her in-laws.
“Get your big-girl panties out, Sam. You can do this. You’re living in the now, remember?”
She arched her eyebrow as if challenging me, and it calmed me.
“At least you’re not being debuted on live television, like I was.”
I laughed, and I was about to rib her again for that kiss she had given Damien for millions to see, but Bane walked into the office.
“Mrs. Wales, Mark’s mother and sister are here to see you ladies. Mr. Wales has been informed. Would you like to see them? Mr. Robertson has said you can turn them away if you would like.”
In return, Allison looked at me for the decision. For a second, I stood there, frozen. It would be easier to send them away and stay hidden behind Allison’s security guards.
Shit. Okay, no more hiding. It’s what you’ve been doing for years.
Finally, I answered, “Yes, Bane. We’ll come back outside. Thanks.”
Bane excused himself and walked back out toward the terrace. Now that we had visitors, I wondered if security would stay closer in proximity and more visible. As we crossed the threshold, my suspicions were confirmed as they had already moved their posts closer to us. I smiled.
We were greeted by two ladies who shared so many similarities to Mark that it was u
nnerving.
A blonde woman who I assumed was Mark’s mother asked, “Sam?”
As I stepped forward, they both pulled me into a hug and then released me after nearly squeezing the life from me. His mom kept her arms on my shoulders as she smiled at me. She was blonde, slim, and tall, and she had the same shade of green eyes as Mark.
His mom didn’t give me a chance to say anything as she continued, “I’m so glad to finally meet you. Mark told me not to bother you girls today, but I couldn’t keep myself away.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Robertson. I believe you’ve already met my best friend, Allison Wales,” I said.
I was glad my mom had ingrained my manners into me to the point where they were second nature. I was nervous, wondering what they thought of me.
“Please call me Annie.” She briefly turned to Allison, who was outstretching her hand. Letting me go, Annie shook Allison’s hand. “Nice to see you again, Allison.”
“Likewise, Annie. Sorry for the greeting. My husband is a little overprotective.” Allison motioned to the security detail.
Annie waved her hand dismissively. “Oh, I get it. We should have called first, but I had to meet Mark’s dear Sam. He speaks so fondly of you.” She pulled me in for another hug and then motioned to who I assumed was his sister. “This is Mark’s sister, Sabrina.”
His sister was identical to their mom, just a younger version. We exchanged pleasantries, and she was as sweet as his mom. They seemed down to earth and kind—not super obnoxious like Mark had lovingly described them.
Allison remained standing as we took our seats. She politely smiled with her hands folded in the front and said, “I hate to leave you guys, but I have to get some photo edits done for the team that are due at the beginning of the week. It was good to see you both again.”
She gave me a wink, and I knew what she was doing. She had finished those edits last week. She wanted me to have some alone time with his family. I didn’t know if I wanted to hug her or strangle her. I was going to trust her—for now.
Annie responded, “It was nice seeing you again, Allison. We didn’t mean to interrupt your girl time.”
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