Maybe this is how it’s supposed to feel after fighting with a boyfriend. I wanted to go back to our moment in the back of the truck this afternoon. Tomorrow—there’s always tomorrow to sort all this shit out.
We entered the condo. I proceeded to make my way back to the bedroom. My progress was stopped when Mark grabbed my hand.
He quietly said, “I need to get things cleared up between us.”
“Mark, please. I’m tired. Can we argue about this later?”
When he didn’t respond, I looked back at him. He looked wrecked, which broke my heart.
He walked slowly up to me and grabbed my other hand. “Let’s talk in bed. We’ll talk, not argue, I promise.”
Bowing my head in affirmation, I led him back to my bedroom. Without saying a word, I stripped down and went for one of my T-shirts in my drawers when Mark’s hands came on top of mine.
“Will you leave that off? I want to talk with no barriers. I think being able to feel each other will help us keep it all in perspective.”
Dropping the T-shirt back in the drawer gave him his answer, and he shed all of his clothes, too. Reaching for each other’s hands, we made our way over to the bed where he slid in first, and I followed, fitting into his side.
He started this intimate conversation as he said, “I don’t want to fight with you. You’re right. It’s your decision. When I actually saw him tonight and it clicked who he was, I damn near lost control. You’re the most precious thing in my life, and the fact that he caused you all that pain…” He took a deep breath. “Let’s just say that I was ready to take whatever consequence there was just to pummel his ass.”
I let his words absorb as I wrapped my arms around his waist. He had been right. Not having anything between us did help.
“I get it. I do. I haven’t seen him in years. Like I said, when college first started, I threatened him with harassment charges if he didn’t leave me alone. Since then, I haven’t had any communication with him. His sister tried to schedule a lunch with me last summer. I was supposed to meet her the day I took Allison to the airport for her Miami trip where she met Damien, but I backed out.”
Appearing to be lost in thought, he was drawing lines on my skin. Finally, he verbalized his thoughts, “Is there any chance in talking you into reporting this? Don’t get pissed off again. I’m just asking. I don’t want you to be worried about tarnishing my career because I don’t care about that.”
I hugged him closer. I loved having this contact while we talked.
“No, I’m not going to change my mind. You know I started that sexual assault awareness program in college, and I realize how hypocritical that was. Should I have reported the rape? Yes. But I honestly don’t think he even knows. Greg has a life now, and all of a sudden, I’m going to come in and pull the rug out from underneath him? I can’t do it. I won’t do it. If it had been a case like when Brad had intentionally attempted to rape Allison, then yes, I would have.”
I gave his chest a kiss, hoping that my little speech gave him an understanding of where I stood on the matter.
“I don’t agree, but I’ll support your decision. That bastard better keep his distance. You’re mine, Sam. I’m never letting you go. I love you too much.”
“Good. You’re stuck with me. I love you, too.”
“I want to make love to you again, Sam, but only if you want to.”
Scooting up his body and sealing my lips on top of his, he got the answer he was looking for, and we began consuming each other.
Edna had been right. Making up was the best part of fighting.
Stretching my arm across the bed, I searched for my love, and I came up empty. It was after ten in the morning when I glanced at the clock. There was a thud coming from the living room, and I heard two voices talking.
What the hell?
I grabbed my silk robe from the door, put it on, and cinched the belt tight. I walked out of my room to see that Mark was in his boxer shorts, and he had Greg pinned up against the wall.
Fuck.
Mark was harshly talking to Greg in a low voice, “Why the fuck are you here, asshole? How did you find her place? How’d you get past security?”
This has to be a dream. The scene unfolding before my eyes stunned me into silence. I was rooted to the ground.
Greg was talking fast, and I was having problems hearing it all.
“I told Sam’s parents I was heading to Atlanta, and I wanted to see you guys. They gave me the address. The guard let me in after Sam’s mother let him know I was coming. Then, you answered the door. I need to talk to Sam. She needs to know how I feel and how sorry I am for cheating on her.”
Mark pushed Greg harder against the wall, starting to cut off his air. “You’re going to stay the fuck away from her. You don’t rape someone while you’re intoxicated, drugged up, or whatever the hell you were on, and keep trying to fuck with her head. She’s mine, you bastard, and I’ll be damned if you’re going to keep hurting her.”
I gasped, which caused both heads to turn my way. Mark minutely loosened his grip on Greg. My eyes were as large as saucers, trying to get the scene unfolding before my eyes all connected in my head.
Greg is in my condo. Mark told him about that night.
Mark positioned his body between Greg and me.
Greg was white as a ghost. “Is that what happened, Sam? Did I…I thought I cheated on you.” He closed his eyes. “Please tell me I didn’t do that to you. Please tell me he’s mistaken. Please tell me I slept with someone else. Please.”
Tears started streaming down my face as I finally had the confirmation I needed. The fact that he didn’t remember what had happened gave me a small amount of peace. I had still been raped, but it helped knowing he didn’t remember.
I asked, “Why are you here after all this time?”
Greg pleadingly looked at me. “Can I talk to you by myself for a minute? I swear, I won’t hurt you. I never meant to hurt you. I need you to hear this before—”
Mark interrupted him, pushing him tighter against the wall, “Fuck no. You aren’t getting near her alone.”
My voice came out soft, “Mark, let Greg go.”
Mark looked at me incredulously, his eyes tight, muscles taut.
He was about to object when I began talking in a normal, calm voice, “Let him go, and come stand by me.” Turning to Greg, I continued, “If I agree to talk to you with Mark present, you have to agree to leave me alone forever after this is all over. I want to move on with my life.”
Greg looked at me like he had when we dated as if he was trying to see into my soul. That look used to let him in, but the connection was gone. In the past, I’d melted each time he looked at me like that, but there was nothing now. He looked like his heart was breaking, and a lump formed in my throat. Regardless, Greg had been my first love, and this was tough. I was standing in front of the man who took so much from me but looked more apologetic than anyone I knew.
Beseechingly, Greg said, “Forever is a long time, Sam. Don’t ask for that. Please.”
I stood there, staring straight ahead, swallowing hard. There was no hope for us. To give him hope was cruel, and anything less than my request would give him the impression that I would be open to more one day. The last thing I wanted was to rehash this same conversation for years. We both needed to move on. I needed to heal from my past.
Finally, Greg relented, “If that is what it takes for you to hear me out, then my answer is yes. Sam—”
I held up my hand for Greg to stop. “Let me change, and I’ll be right back.”
Doing this only in my silk robe was not a good idea. Walking to my room, I tried to prepare myself for what was coming. I went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face. As I changed, I focused on taking deep breaths. Allison had been right. The past did have a way of coming back and haunting the present. Hopefully, getting what had happened with Greg out in the open would put the past in the past.
I want to live for the now a
nd the future…with Mark.
Less than five minutes later, I came back in and noticed my hands were shaking a little bit. I needed to sit down in order to have something to tether myself to. Mark was by my side, and both guys were eyeing each other. This was the very definition of a clusterfuck mess.
I motioned to the chair across from the couch for Greg. This made sure there was distance for all parties involved. We all took our seats. I sat all the way back in the couch, and my leg started bouncing slightly. Mark stayed halfway perched on the end with his hand on my knee. Emotionally, I was worn out.
After taking a deep breath, I asked, “What do you want to talk about, Greg? Why are you here after all this time?”
“Is it true, Sam? That night at the Websters’…did I force myself on you? That has to be the night it happened. It’s the only time I don’t remember when I know you were around.”
Greg moved to the edge of the chair, and the sincerity in his voice started stirring sorrow deep within me. His chocolate eyes were pained.
I had to break eye contact, and I looked down at my fingers as I whispered, “Yes.”
Mark’s hand moved from my knee to my hand and began rubbing it soothingly. Greg started running his hands through his hair in a distressed manner. He went to stand up.
Mark interrupted his movement, “Sit the fuck back down, or this ends, Greg. Don’t push me, not when it comes to Sam.”
Greg sat back down on the chair on command. “Shit. You have to believe that I don’t remember any of it. The guys had gotten some pills, and we had all taken them. I took a few, wanting a good buzz, and then I began drinking. The last thing I remember was us dancing. Then, I woke up in the barn by myself the next day. There was blood, but I thought I had slept with someone else. I had no idea. I swear it. I loved you. I was ready to wait for you as long as I needed to. I never stopped loving you. I had to wait until college ended to come and figure out what happened. My sister helped keep me updated, and I knew you weren’t seeing anyone through college. She tried reaching out to you.” When he spoke, it was pained.
To focus my nervous energy, I shook my foot rapidly. “I never said anything to anyone. I didn’t think you knew what had happened. I was fucked-up for a while, but I’m doing better.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? At least then, I would have known and could have gotten you help. We could have salvaged us. I could have tried to make it right.” Greg looked down, not knowing what else to say.
An old crack in my heart resurfaced. This was painful. Memories of the Greg I had dated were trying to break through into my mind. Clearing my voice, I asked, “Why are you here? It’s been four-and-a-half years.” My voice cracked, which had both men looking at me.
Greg looked like he was forcing himself to stay seated, and Mark continued to try to comfort me as much as he could in this situation.
Greg responded, “I couldn’t take a chance that you would actually follow through with the harassment charges when I was in college. I had to have that scholarship. It was my only shot to go to school. I had two classes I had to take the first part of the summer to finish up my degree. I officially finished three days ago. That’s why I went to Homerville—to find out where you were in order talk to you about what happened to us. After you guys left the restaurant, your mom went on and on about how she thought you were in love with Mark, and he could be the one. I knew I had to talk to you as soon as possible.”
I started massaging my temples. My head was pounding. “It’s over, Greg. I’m in love with Mark. Even if Mark wasn’t in the picture, you and I could never go back. I could never go there again. Anything we had together shattered that night. I should have told you, but my mind was such a mess.”
I was on the verge of tears with all the pain I felt from reliving that night, especially now seeing Greg’s heart laid out. I never wanted that kind of pain to be inflicted on anyone, regardless of what had been done to me.
“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” Greg ran his hand through his hair again. He started talking again, “We were good together, Sam. We planned our lives out together, our future. I’ll always regret messing up the best thing in my life. Just know, there will always be a piece of me that loves you. Please don’t close the door on us forever. We could start slow and build from there. We could try. I would give you the world, like I promised.”
This was the Greg I remembered dating. Images of us being together were forced to the forefront of my mind—Greg taking me fishing, us four-wheeling together, me lying in the pasture as he read to me.
“Greg…” Mark’s tone was laced with acid and warning.
Greg turned to him. “If you only had one more chance to talk to her, wouldn’t you want her to know what she meant to you, regardless if it made a difference or not? Can you imagine what it would feel like to make one decision that fucked up your entire life, keeping the one thing you wanted since grade school out of your reach forever? I have no memory of what happened. You will have the only girl I have ever truly loved.” Greg turned to me. “I hope you can forgive me.”
His speech had stunned Mark into silence and had my eyes filling with tears. I blinked and felt the cool trail on my cheek. Greg and I both had suffered in different ways from that night.
“I forgive you. I believe that you don’t remember what happened, and I do remember what we had together, but our time has passed. I love Mark. Please, go live your life, Greg. Forgive yourself, and forget me. You deserve happiness.” I hoped my words freed him from his feelings for me.
I stood, and Greg followed suit. He started walking toward me.
Mark stepped in front of me, barely keeping his irritation in check. “Don’t try my patience anymore.”
At this point, after hearing all this, my body was a few seconds away from a breakdown. Greg and I would have been happy, and Greg knew that. But the moment I had met Mark, fate had started pushing us together, and I saw a brilliant future with Mark that outshined what I’d had with Greg.
Greg took a hesitant step forward. “Please, Sam, let me at least hug you one more time.”
Mark went to speak, and I turned to him, which halted whatever he was going to say.
Standing on my tiptoes, I whispered in his ear, “Mark, I need to do this for closure for me. I need this. Please understand. I love you.”
Mark looked torn, and I hated that I was hurting him because of Greg. His grip tightened on my hips. He searched my eyes long and hard before letting me go.
Allison’s mom had always told Allison and me, Decisions you make today can have a ripple effect. Live your life, girls, but make good choices.
That night at the Websters’ had had a tsunami effect on my life. It was time to forgive myself for all the blame I didn’t deserve. I needed closure, and though it caused my stomach to drop, I knew I had to do this in order to move on forever.
I turned and took a deep breath as I slowly walked to Greg. When I got within a few feet, he closed the gap and enveloped me in a hug. It was familiar to be in his arms, even after all these years. He squeezed me tighter to him, and I remembered the first time he’d told me he loved me.
We were sitting on the bank of the river. It was right after Christmas, and we were all bundled up and on a blanket. Greg was wearing jeans and a faded blue coat.
He stood, grabbed me by the shoulders, and pulled me up. He took me in a hug and whispered in my ear, “I love you, Sam. I know we’re young, but you’re it for me. After New Year’s, I want to tell our families that we’re together. I want everyone to know you’re my girl.”
I squeezed him harder. “I love you, too. Let’s tell everyone New Year’s Day when my family comes over for dinner.”
The Websters’ party had been on New Year’s Eve. I had pretended to be sick the day after, and my mama had canceled lunch. Regardless of the past, our hands had been dealt.
I was now in love with another man.
I needed to end this and give Greg and myself closure. I whispe
red, “Good-bye, Greg.”
He squeezed me tighter and then pulled back to look at me. The look on his face would forever haunt me. It was as if I had held a sword and stabbed him.
“Please don’t do this, Sam. Just give it some time. Let’s go back to being friends.”
That did it as my body pushed out the first sob. “I can’t. I’m so sorry. Please understand.”
And with that, I turned, pushed past Mark, who looked like I had kicked him, and I ran back to my room before shutting the door. In this minute, it felt like I was empty inside as my body flung across the bed, ending up in a heap. I was raw, exposed. I let the dam bust open, purging all the emotions I was feeling.
The door clicked behind me. A body cocooned me as my body was consumed with grief. The years of pain that night had caused were immeasurable.
Mark’s arms banded around me, cuddling me close to him. “He’s gone, Sam. He said he would leave you alone as he promised.” His voice was low and cautious. After a few more minutes of me crying, he broke through my breakdown, “Sam, are you okay? He’s clearly still in love with you.”
That stopped me, and I sat up and faced him. “I’m s-s-sorry.”
He mirrored my action and pulled me to him. I wrapped my legs and arms around him like a vine. I focused on taking deep breaths, so I could talk normally to him. I never wanted Mark to doubt my feelings for him. When my sobs subsided, I looked up into his eyes. He looked hurt.
I wiped my face. “I don’t love him anymore. I did once upon a time, but you’re the only one who has my heart.”
“Sam—”
My fingers went to his lips and silenced his protest. “I only love you. I always hoped he didn’t know what had happened, and when he confirmed it, his confirmation brought more emotions I had buried a long time ago to the forefront. Then, he started saying those things about what we were in the past, and it was hard to hear. Tonight was the closure I needed.”
Promise Me Page 19