by R. J. Sable
“Jamie,” the voice whispered. “Jamie, wake up.”
I groaned and pulled my head up off of the book in front of me, blinking as the lights blinded me. Once I'd wiped the sleep out of my eyes I glanced up to see who'd woken me, more than embarrassed to have been found sleeping in the library.
“You okay?” Jason asked, concern obvious in his voice.
“What are you doing here?” I said bitterly, realising he'd been the one to wake me. I was slightly happy to see him but the happiness was heavily outweighed by the anger and disappointment I felt from being ignored all week. His eye was no longer swollen shut, but it was still a nasty shade of purple and he looked as exhausted as I felt.
“I came here to get some books,” he shrugged. “I saw you sleeping.”
I gathered my things together, wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible.
“Where you going?” He asked, grabbing my arm gently as I tried to collect my bag.
“Let me go, I'm going home,” I said, my eyes lowered to avoid his gaze.
“I can take you home,” he said, pulling me towards him.
“No,” I protested, trying to pull my wrist free. “Leave me alone.”
He looked confused but he didn't let me go. After a few more seconds of struggling, I relaxed my wrists.
“What do you want from me, Jason?” I asked, my voice breaking. It was too painful being close to him knowing that he was disgusted by me, knowing that he'd walked away from me.
“I want you,” he said simply.
“No you don't,” I said, taken aback. “You left me.”
“Jamie, I-” he looked even more confused.
“It's fine, Jason, I understand,” I took the opportunity to pull my arm free, grabbing my bag and darting out of the library.
I made it to the women’s bathrooms and locked myself in a stall, the tears bursting through. I slouched down against the door and let them run free. I was so tired. I hadn't slept properly all week. I was exhausted and in no state for a confrontation with Jason. I sat there for ages, I had no idea how much time had passed.
“Jamie,” I heard Jason's voice from outside the toilets. “Jamie, please come out.”
I let the back of my head hit the door. Please, go away. I stood up and let myself out of the stall, washing my face in the sink and looking up at myself in the mirror. My cheeks were all puffy, my eyes looked sore and my cheekbones were more defined than normal. I looked pale and pathetic. I sighed and squared my shoulders, heading for the door and hoping Jason had given up.
I opened the door and saw him slouched against the wall next to the bathrooms. He jumped up when he saw me.
“Jamie,” he sighed, relief evident on his face.
“Please, Jason. Not now, I can't do this right now.”
“Jamie, we need to talk,” he said, his voice gentle but insistent. He tried to pull me into a hug but I resisted. He didn't let up and I stopped fighting it. I didn't want to fight it. He held me against him, my hands and cheek against his chest. I sobbed again, unable to fight the tears as his familiar scent filled my nostrils. I hated that his touch and smell still made me feel safe, despite everything.
“Let me take you home, baby,” he breathed against my hair.
I was so exhausted, I didn't have the energy to argue. I nodded and let him guide me out of the building and down the steps. I was surprised when he took me over to a taxi, but I didn't question it. I felt like my legs could give out at any minute. He helped me into the back and went round to the front and talked with the driver. He hopped in next to me a few seconds later.
He reached his hand over to mine and took it, squeezing gently. I felt the familiar tingles in my hand, but this time, instead of spreading warmth, I just wanted to cry. I shut my eyes to block them out and next time I opened them the taxi was pulling up. I must have drifted off. I looked around. This isn't my halls.
“What are we doing here?” I mumbled sleepily as I realised we were at Jason's flat.
He didn't reply, he just slipped the taxi driver some money then came round to my door to let me out. I was about to refuse when he bent down and lifted me out. He carried me into his flat and took me into his bedroom. I was too exhausted to argue. I didn't resist as he slid my jeans and jacket off, removed my hair bobble, and covered me up with the duvet. I was asleep before I knew it.
***
Friday, 19th October 2012
I rolled over, completely awake. I'm in Jason's room. I looked around and remembered him carrying me in. I looked at his alarm clock. It was 04:30. Where's Jason? I grabbed one of his t-shirts from an open drawer. It came down to half way down my thighs. That'll do. I tiptoed into the kitchen. My throat was parched and I was really thirsty. I opened the fridge and found a bottle of orange juice. I helped myself to a glass and drank it down quickly. Heavenly. I put my glass into the sink and almost jumped out my skin as Jason came up behind me. He'd showered and shaved and looked a lot better.
“Hi,” he said gently. “You sleep okay?”
I nodded as he took a step closer. “Haven't you slept?”
“I kipped a little on the sofa,” he shrugged. “You hungry?”
I realised I was starving and nodded again.
“Go sit on the sofa, I'll fix you some food,” he smiled a half-smile filled with caution.
I did as I was told and sat down on the leather sofa. There was a blanket spread over it and the TV was on mute with subtitles on. I pulled my feet up and made myself comfortable in the corner. Jason came in and handed me a plate with two rounds of sandwiches.
“Peanut butter and banana,” he said gently as he sat down next to me.
I tucked into the sandwiches heartily. I don't think I've ever been so hungry in my life.
“It's good to see you eating, you look like you're wasting away,” he said sadly.
I frowned, but didn't say anything. I offered him half a sandwich and he accepted. We sat in silence, eating together.
“I'm sorry about the way I reacted, Jamie,” Jason said as I put my empty plate on the coffee table. “I shouldn't have just left like that.”
“Then why did you?” I asked quietly.
“I was just so angry, I've not been that angry in years. I didn't know how to handle it,” he said sadly, his brows furrowed. “I didn't trust myself to be around you like that.”
“I thought you hated me,” I admitted sadly.
“Jamie, baby,” he whispered, a pained expression on his face. “I could never hate you.”
“But you looked so disgusted with me,” I said despondently, my chest tightening.
“Not with you, Jamie, never with you,” he sighed. “Disgusted with your brothers, yes, and disgusted with my reaction to the situation. But not with you.”
“My brothers didn't do anything wrong,” I argued.
“You may not see it now, Jamie, but what they did to you was wrong,” he said firmly. “I don't want to argue with you about it,” he added quickly as he saw my expression.
“They're my family,” I said, hurt that he thought so little of them.
“I know, baby,” he sighed. “But if I ever see them lay a finger on you, I won't be able to keep out of it. I need you to understand that.”
“I don't want you to get hurt. If you try to get involved, you'll get hurt,” I pleaded.
“Rather me than you,” he said firmly.
I shook my head with frustration. I wasn't asking him to get involved. The way my family handled things was none of his business.
“You're mad at me?” He asked studying my face.
“You have no right to question the way they do things,” I said sadly.
“Jamie, I know we see this differently, and I don't want to come between you and them-”
“What do you want then?” I cut him off angrily.
“I want you,” he said honestly. “But I need you to know how it is. I want to be a part of your life, but if you want me, you can't expect me to ignore thi
ngs like that.”
“I do want you,” I admitted, watching his face relax. “But how do I know you're not going to get angry and leave me again?”
“I didn't leave you,” he said frowning.
“You did!” I said, louder than I meant to. “You stormed out without a word and I haven't heard from you since.”
“I was a mess!” He growled. “I didn't trust myself around you, I needed to get my head straight. I didn’t want to spiral out of control and go back to drinking.”
“How come you don't usually drink?” I asked.
“I used to drink a lot when I was younger,” he said finally, his face contorted as if it was painful to talk about. “I was another person then, not a nice person.”
I didn't push him for more. I could tell it'd been hard for him to let me in. I lay there in his lap as he stroked my hair, enjoying his fingertips grazing gently against my scalp.
We stayed like that until the sun started peeking through the curtains. Jason's hand had long since stopped moving and his breathing was low and steady. I stayed still, knowing he probably hadn't slept much and not wanting to wake him. Unfortunately, nature called. I tried to climb gently from his lap, lifting his hand and trying to untangle it from my hair. He didn't wake up though so I tiptoed out of the room and made my way to the bathroom.
Jason stirred as I made my way back over to him. He stretched out, arching his back and flexing his legs.
“Where'd you go?” He yawned.
“Bathroom,” I smiled shyly as I stood in front of him.
He reached up and tugged both my hands so that I fell on top of him, my legs either side of his.
“Are we okay?” He said, his eyes searching mine.
“I don't know, are we?” I asked, watching his green-blue eyes intensely.
He nodded and cupped my face in his hand, brushing my cheekbone with his thumb.
“You're too skinny,” he frowned. “But you're still beautiful.”
I blushed at his words and he smirked. He slid his hands under the t-shirt I'd borrowed, his fingers trailing over my hips and up under the tank top I had on underneath. I squirmed as his fingers tickled my waist. He pulled me closer and into a kiss. I enjoyed his taste and the feel of his tongue massaging mine as his hands slipped further up my top, his thumbs rubbing gentle circles on the skin beneath my breasts. I missed this.
I felt him twitch between my legs and I groaned against his lips. My hips started moving of their own accord, grinding against his growing erection. He broke off the kiss, breathing hard and trailing kisses down my neck. I tilted my head to the side to allow him better access. I groaned again as his teeth grazed my shoulder.
Without a word, he stood up, carrying me with him. I wrapped my bare legs around his waist to support myself. I kissed his neck as he carried me, tasting the salt on his skin.
“Stand up,” he said softly as his bedroom door shut behind him.
I lowered my feet to the floor as he released me. My breathing was still rapid, my body warm in usually cool places.
“Arms up.”
I lifted my arms above my head and he pulled both my t-shirts off in one swift movement.
“Down.”
I obeyed, returning my hands to my side. His hands traced a line from my hipbone up over my stomach, round my side, over my shoulders and down around my collarbone. I enjoyed his touch with my eyes closed, not brave enough to watch him. My breath caught in my throat as he traced the edge of my teal lace bra. I felt my nipples stiffen and push against the fabric.
Jason lifted me up and laid me gently on the bed. I opened my eyes and looked up at him, he smiled and kissed me again. I couldn't concentrate on anything other than the feel of his tongue dominating my mouth and his warm t-shirt pressing up against my bare stomach.
“Jamie,” he breathed as he pulled away from the kiss.
“Jason,” I panted, trying to regain my senses.
“You'll stop me, right?”
I nodded, knowing I wouldn't need to. I'd let him do anything right now. He held my gaze for a second longer before shifting his weight so that his head was level with my chest. He pressed kisses along the edge of my bra and I closed my eyes, my back arching involuntarily.
I felt his finger dip inside the cup of my bra. My body tensed but I didn't say anything. His finger stilled for a beat before pulling the cup down beneath my breast. He repeated the action on the other side, leaving both my breasts pushed up and held in place by the bra. I squeezed my eyes tighter, knowing that he was now looking at my naked breasts.
I heard him groan gently and felt him press gentle kisses around my left areola. His delicious scent filled nostrils and my back arched further, begging for his attention. I felt his tongue flick over my nipple and a groan escaped my lips. He sucked me gently into his mouth before releasing and blowing gently over my sensitive nipple. The combination of his warm tongue and the cold air caused my nipple to harden almost painfully. He leant over and repeated the process on my other nipple.
I lifted my hands up and put them on his back as he teased my nipple between his teeth. His muscles rippled beneath my fingers as he shifted his weight above me. He bit down slightly, sending shockwaves straight from my nipple down to between my thighs. He switched back to my left breast, bringing his thumb and finger up to my right. He worked both my nipples simultaneously, alternating between gentle licks and nips on one side and soft kneading and sharp tweaks on the other.
I was breathing heavily as he moved himself directly over me again. He placed his elbows on either side of my head and pulled me into a deep kiss. I could feel his erection pushed up against my pelvis, his legs in-between mine. My hips gyrated, desperate to increase the fiction. I had no control over my actions; all I could think about was the need to relieve the pressure that had built inside me.
“Stay still, baby,” he admonished as my hips continued to move of their own accord.
I tried my best to still myself but my body defied me. He tutted as he moved down my body but I felt him grin against my skin as he began kissing my stomach. He stopped as his mouth met with the thin lace fabric of my underwear. He slipped his fingers inside the sides of my knickers and his fingers paused once more. My muscles tensed as I realised what he was intending to do.
My brain was begging me to stop him but that wasn't the part of my anatomy calling the shots. He tugged at the fabric and I lifted my hips automatically, allowing him to slide my knickers down. He sat back on his heels and pulled my bare feet against his chest. He slid my underwear over one foot, then the other. I heard them drop to the floor and I covered my face with my arms, mortified that he was seeing me in a way no one else ever had. He kissed each of my feet gently on the sole before returning them to either side of him.
He moved over me once more, pulling my hands away from my face and kissing each palm in turn.
“Don't cover your face up,” he ordered, placing my hands on each side of my head.
I nodded breathlessly, grabbing handfuls of the sheet beneath me. He leant back on his heels again, trailing his fingers down, over my stomach, my hips, my thighs – stopping at the inside of my knee. His fingers traced patterns on my thighs, moving slowly, painstakingly, further up my legs.
Just as I braced myself for him to touch me where nobody had touched me before, his fingers changed direction and trailed through the soft curls between my legs. I gasped at the unfamiliar sensations I was experiencing. Every nerve ending was on fire and every touch burnt like a wicked combination of fire and ice. I tensed again as Jason's hands pushed on my thighs, spreading them further apart. Heat rose in my cheeks as I felt my inner lips part, leaving me completely exposed but I resisted the urge to hide my face.
I jumped as I felt his finger trail between my labia, resting on the sensitive bud that even I wasn't that familiar with. He rolled it gently between his thumb and forefinger, sending my hips arching towards him. This was all new and completely alien to me, my whole body was boili
ng, every muscle felt tense and pressure was building inside me. I couldn't think straight.
He continued massaging my clit, teasing it with too-gentle touches. I cried out as his other hand began exploring my slit, his finger pushing gently, begging entry. It circled slowly, collecting the moisture that had gathered from his heat-filled touch. He pushed a little harder and I cried louder as I felt his finger slip inside me.
“Shh, baby,” he admonished.
I closed my mouth and clenched my jaw, breathing through my teeth as his finger circled inside of me, applying pressure. His other hand continued rubbing my clit, slipping over the sensitive, well-lubricated skin.
The pressure inside me was building, it was almost unbearable. I felt like I was wound so tightly I could explode. It didn't stop, it just increased as Jason's efforts increased.
“Jason, please,” I begged, unsure of what I was asking.
“Shh,” he repeated. “Stay still, baby.”
I tried in vain to lie still but all I could concentrate on was this pressure inside me. My hips writhed against Jason's fingers, my legs kicking out as I tried to push myself closer to him. I cried out again when I felt him push a second finger inside me. The extra pressure was immense, I felt so stretched, so full.
I felt his finger push down more firmly against my clit and I almost screamed as the dam burst. Every muscle in my body tensed repeatedly, my back arched, and my mind went blank. I couldn't see, hear, or think. All I could do was experience the pure pleasure pulsing through my body. Jason didn't stop until my body turned limp and collapsed against the sheets.
As my senses returned, I realised Jason was lying next to me, still fully clothed.
“That's my girl,” he chuckled softly. “You okay, baby?” He cooed gently in my ear as he pressed gentle butterfly kisses on the side of my face.
I nodded, speech still evading me. I was very aware that his erection was rock solid against my leg. A twinge of guilt hit me at the realisation that he was completely unsatisfied. He pulled me onto my side and wrapped his arms around me. The feel of his jeans and t-shirt against my skin reminded me of my nakedness and I blushed, grateful that he couldn't see me.