by R. J. Sable
With Jason, I knew I'd be the newest addition to a long, long list. I know everybody had said he acted different around me but I couldn't help worrying that it was just because he saw me as a challenge.
“I'm so glad you and Ben get along,” Jason grinned as he handed me a stack of buttered bread.
“Me too, he's awesome,” I grinned. “I loved seeing the pictures of you as a kid. I feel like I know you a little better.”
“You do?” He cocked his head at me.
“Yeah, I want to know everything about you,” I smiled.
“I think you know me well enough,” he frowned.
“I could never know you well enough,” I pouted, wrapping my hands around him.
“Baby, if you know too much about a person it can put you off,” he warned.
“Are you trying to scare me off? Because it won't work,” I sulked, pulling away from him and crossing my arms.
He wrapped his arms around me, folded arms and all, and kissed me gently on the forehead. “You're insane,” he grinned, passing my words back to me. “I wouldn't mind seeing some pictures of you as a kid.”
Nice subject change. “I don't think that’s possible,” I frowned, pulling away from him and returning to the sandwiches.
“Why not?” He asked.
“I don't think we have any,” I shrugged. Please don't dig any deeper. I pleaded silently that he would let it drop.
“How come?” He asked, stroking my neck gently with his fingertips.
I really don't want to talk about this. “We just don't,” I shrugged.
“Baby,” he scowled. “I don't like it when you shut me out.”
“Jason,” I sighed, putting down the knife I was using and turning to him. “Can we talk about this another time, when it's just me and you?”
He nodded but he still looked grumpy. “There's quite a bit I don't know about you yet,” he said as though he'd just realised it. “What's your favourite colour?”
“Blue, I guess,” I answered, relieved he'd changed topic. “Yours?”
“Blue,” he grinned.
“God we're cheesy,” I laughed.
“Cats or dogs?” He asked.
“No preference,” I shrugged.
“Dogs, without a question.”
I rolled my eyes at him.
“When's your birthday?” He asked.
No, not this. “When's yours?” I countered.
“Third of August,” he said, looking down at me expectantly.
I returned to the sandwiches, putting them onto plates.
“Jamie,” he said, frowning again. “When's yours?”
“I don't really celebrate my birthday,” I mumbled, focussing on the sandwiches.
“What?” He said incredulously. “Why not?”
I shrugged and picked up the plate, intending to take it into the lounge, but Jason grabbed my arm.
“Baby, why not?” He demanded.
I sighed again and put the plate down.
“Please, Jason, can we talk about this later?” I pleaded.
“Alright,” he sighed with frustration. “But at least tell me what date you become a year older.”
“June tenth,” I frowned, picking up the plate and rushing out of the room.
Chapter 32
Saturday, 12th August 2000
I don't know who all these people are. They're all sad. Lots of people were wearing the special uniform Daddy wore when he went to special work parties. Daddy. Uncle Eric says Daddy's in heaven now. I heard a lady say that Daddy was in the big wooden box we'd seen earlier. How can Daddy be in the box if he's in heaven? A sad lady gave me a hug. She smelt funny. People kept hugging me, I didn’t understand why. Rick and Danny were holding my hands. They looked sad too, really sad.
“You okay, Jamie?” Rick asked me as he sat down and pulled me onto his knee.
“Why is everyone sad?” I asked.
“They all miss Dad,” he said sorrowfully.
“But Daddy's in heaven,” I answered. How could he forget that?
“That's right,” Rick nodded. His voice sounded funny.
“But he can come back,” I said, smiling.
Rick put his head in his hands and didn't answer me. I made him sad. I didn't understand, I hugged him and said sorry. Ian came and lifted me up and carried me on his hip. He took me outside and stood me on the gravel. He bent down so that his face was by my face.
“Jamie,” he said softly. “We talked about this, remember?”
I looked at him, his face wasn't sad like everybody else’s. It wasn't happy either. He looked serious.
“Daddy can't come back from heaven. He's up there looking after Mummy.”
I nodded.
“He's never coming back, Jamie, I'm sorry,” he closed his eyes.
“But he can bring Mummy back with him and we can be a proper family, like my friends. They have mummies and daddies,” I smiled.
Ian kept his eyes closed but shook his head. “They're never coming back, Jamie,” he said quietly.
I started to cry. I wanted Daddy to come home. I wanted a mummy. All my friends had their mummies and daddies. Ian picked me up again and hugged me tight. He didn't say anything, he just kept hugging me until all the tears had gone away.
“Would you like some fizzy pop, Jamie?” Ian asked as he carried me back inside.
“Yes, please,” I sniffled.
He took me to the bar with all the sad people. He fetched me a fizzy pop and carried me over to a table and put me down next to Karl and Matt and Granddad. He passed me my fizzy pop and I sipped it through the straw. The bubbles tickle my tongue.
“Why don't you lie down for a bit, Jamie,” Karl said when I finished my drink.
They cleared a space for me and I curled up on the comfy bench. Karl and Matt took off their posh black jackets and put them over me so I was warm.
I woke up when the big taxi pulled up at our house. It was dark outside. Uncle Eric helped us into the house. Ian picked me up and carried me.
“I'm thirsty,” I said sleepily as he let me down in the kitchen.
He fetched me a glass of water and I sat at the island and drank it.
“I'll stay,” Uncle Eric nodded to Ian as we heard the front door shut.
“We'll be okay, Uncle Eric. It's fine if you want to head home to Aunt Megan.”
“You boys need me more,” he said gruffly. His eyes were red and puffy and he smelt funny.
“I'll fix some dinner, take your sister and watch some TV or something. I'll bring coffee for Karl and Matthew. They need to sober up,” he frowned.
Ian waited for me to finish my water then took me to the bathroom. He waited outside until he heard me flush then came in to make sure I washed my hands. Everyone else was in the lounge. They were all quiet. Matt and Karl stood by the fireplace. They kept wobbling and they walked funny.
Ian fetched the flag we'd gotten and put it on the top of the fireplace. Everybody looked at it and Matt started crying. I've never seen him cry before. Ian put his hand on Matt's back but didn't say anything.
“He was my dad too,” Matt said angrily.
“I know, mate,” Ian said quietly.
“This is so fucked up!” He yelled. He hit the wall with his fists.
“Matt,” Ian warned. “Why don't you sit down.”
“Don't tell me what to do!” Matt shouted.
“Mate, come on,” Karl urged, grabbing his friend's shoulder.
Matt shoved him off and his eyes searched the room. His whole body was shaking, he looked so angry. His eyes met mine and blazed with fury.
He's angry with me. I jumped off the sofa and backed into the corner. I wanted to be far away from him.
“This is all her fucking fault!” He screamed, pointing at me. “Helen's dead because of her and now Andrew's dead too and it's all her fault!” He was screaming really loud and tears were streaming down his face.
Who are Helen and Andrew? I didn't know who he was talking abou
t. Ian held Matt back but he kept on yelling that it was all my fault.
“Matthew!” Uncle Eric shouted, storming into the room. “It is not Jamie-Lea's fault that her mother is dead, neither is it her fault that her father was killed! How can you say something like that?”
I killed Mummy and Daddy? My tummy twisted painfully. It's all my fault.
“She killed Mum, it's her fault she's dead.”
“That's not true, Matthew,” Uncle Eric said, shaking his head, his expression a mixture of anger and sorrow.
“It's true and you all know it is!” Matt screamed, struggling against Ian's grip.
“Matthew, maybe you should go lie down for a bit,” Uncle Eric said calmly.
“If Dad hadn't hated the sight of her he wouldn't have kept going back. He wouldn't have gotten killed!” He screamed and collapsed to the floor, crying lots.
I cried too. I cried in the corner. Mummy and Daddy are dead because of me. Uncle Eric picked Matt up off the floor and pulled him into a hug. Everybody was quiet again. I stayed on my own in the corner and tried to be quiet too. They all hate me because I killed Mummy and Daddy. I ruined our family.
“I'm sorry,” Matt mumbled, wiping his face on the sleeve of his shirt as Uncle Eric released him.
“We're all hurting, son,” Uncle Eric said as he clapped him on the shoulder. “Come give me a hand with dinner.”
Uncle Eric called us all in to eat. I stayed in the corner while they all left. They all hate me, I can't go in and eat dinner with them.
“Jamie?” Ian called. “Jamie, come on.”
I stayed still. I know they hate me. Craig came into the room and found me in the corner behind the sofa.
“Come on, Jamie,” he said quietly. “Dinner's ready, aren't you hungry?”
I shook my head lots and stayed in my ball in the corner.
“I'm hungry,” he rubbed his tummy. “Will you come sit with me while I eat.”
I shook my head again.
“Why not?” He asked sadly.
“You all hate me,” I cried again.
“I don't hate you, sis,” he shook his head and picked me up. “Come on, let's go eat dinner.”
Chapter 33
Sunday, 28th October 2012
We dropped Ben off at the train station and ended up back at mine. We argued briefly over whose flat we were going to crash at but I won because I'd run out of clean clothes. Jason pointed out that clothes weren't important if I was naked. I reminded him that I had lectures the next day so I won ultimately.
Jason dumped his bag on my chair and practically tackled me onto the bed.
“What are you doing,” I giggled.
“Making sure you can't escape,” he grinned as he pinned my arms above my head.
“Escape what?” I asked again, making a lame attempt to wriggle free. I normally hated being pinned down, it was too reminiscent of my school days, but for some reason it didn't bother me with Jason. He made me feel too safe to be scared.
“You owe me some answers,” he grinned.
I frowned. What does he mean? He carried on staring into my eyes, his face more serious now. I realised he wanted to continue the sandwich-making discussion. I really don't like talking about it. I wanted to know more about him though and it really ought to be a two-way street.
“You don't have to hold me down, I'll talk,” I sighed.
“I dunno, I kinda like being on top of you,” he winked but he rolled off of me anyway.
“If I tell you, will you tell me more about you?” I asked.
Jason frowned and looked contemplative.
“Please, Jason. I really want to know you better,” I pleaded.
“Fine,” he scowled. “But you're not allowed to leave me if you don't like what you hear.” He sat up, crossed his arms and sulked.
I couldn't help but giggle, he looked so young. I sat up and crawled into his lap, kissing him on the cheek. “I'm never leaving you,” I grinned. “You'll either have to leave me or piss my brother's off big-style.”
“Then you're stuck with me,” he said uncrossing his arms and wrapping them around me.
“What do you want to know?” I asked, resolving myself to answer his questions the best I could.
“Well, why don't you celebrate your birthday? And why aren't there any pictures of your childhood?” He asked.
Right in at the deep end. “Well,” I started, swallowing thickly. “My mum died during childbirth.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I'd never talked about this, ever.
“Oh, Jamie,” Jason said, kissing my forehead. “I'm so sorry.”
“I don't remember my dad much but I gather that he didn't handle it very well,” I blinked back the tears and swallowed. “Which is understandable. He kept signing up for tour after tour and I know my brothers blame me. It must have been so painful for him to look at me and know I was the reason his wife had died.” My voice broke as I finished and Jason held me tighter, giving me the strength to continue. “There might be a few pictures of me from school but I doubt there are any of me otherwise,” I continued, concentrating hard on not losing it. “Dad was almost always on deployment. My relatives helped out but it was mostly my brothers who looked after me. Taking pictures wasn't exactly high on their priorities, especially since all I do is remind them of everything they've lost.”
My resolve broke down and the tears flowed out. It was so painful to talk about this. I'd never really talked to my brothers about it directly but I knew they blamed me. How could they not? It hurt so much to know what I'd cost them.
“Baby,” Jason soothed. “It's not your fault.”
I shook my head, I knew he was trying to make me feel better but he couldn't. I lay there in his arms, the tears shaking my entire body. He held me and kept repeating that it wasn't my fault.
“Jamie, you can't blame yourself for something that happened when you were a baby,” he said softly. “Neither can your brothers.”
“If I hadn't been born she'd still be alive,” I sniffled. “Dad would be alive too, and they'd all be so happy.”
“Baby, you didn't choose to be born, it's ridiculous to blame yourself for it,” he said, shifting his weight in the bed.
“I'm sorry,” I said, crawling off of his lap and sitting on the edge of the bed. “I didn't mean to get all snotty and gross.” I grabbed a tissue from the bedside table and cleaned my face.
“I'd rather you cried with me than on your own,” he said, shuffling to sit beside me. “Besides, now I understand you a bit better. Is that why you don’t celebrate your birthday?”
I nodded sadly. “I need a cuppa.” I grabbed another tissue and wiped my face.
“I'll go get you one,” Jason smiled, hopping up from the bed.
I smiled back up at him appreciatively and lay down on the bed as he left the room. I felt relieved to have talked about it, even though it was painful. Jason had been sweet, he'd held me and put up with my blubbering. He didn't think it was my fault. That made him the only one.
I sighed inwardly as I thought about all the pain my family had been through because of me, and still my brothers had been there for me. My brothers... I felt like I was forgetting something. Craig. Oh my God I never text Craig to tell him I got back okay. Jason came into the room just as I was scrambling off the bed looking for my phone in a panic.
“Where's my phone?” I cried out as he put the two cups of tea down on my desk.
“I don't kn-”
“I need to ring. I'm gonna be in so much trouble. They're gonna kill me!” I panicked, tears building in my already sore eyes.
“Jamie, Jamie!” He grabbed my shoulders. “Take it easy, what's wrong?”
“I never text Craig!” I wailed, trying to wriggle free to find my phone.
“I text him,” Jason shrugged.
I stilled and looked up at him in surprise. “You text him?” I asked warily.
“Yep,” he nodded. “You were too drunk, I got the number off your phone a
nd text him.” He took out his phone and opened his messages and showed me. Craig had even replied.
Thanks for letting me know Reed.
Touch her and I'll kill you ;)
“Oh my God! You're amazing,” I grinned, relief washing over me. “Thank you so much.” I chucked myself at him, jumping up and wrapping my legs around his waist. He laughed and hugged me back.
“No worries,” he said, turning me so that my back was against the wall, and pulling me into a deep kiss. “I'd do anything for you.”
“You're awesome,” I beamed.
“Your flatmates want us to come eat dinner and watch a film with them at seven,” he smiled as he set me down on the floor.
“Perfect,” I smiled
“Perfect?” He asked, cocking his head at me
“Mhm,” I nodded. “That gives you half an hour to tell me about your childhood so I can stop feeling so rubbish about mine.”
He shook his head at me and passed me my tea. “You're guilt tripping me into it?” He grinned.
“You promised,” I pouted.
“I did,” he nodded, grabbing his own cup and sitting next to me on the bed. “What do you want to know?”
“You were pretty beat up in some of those pictures, was that because you were always fighting?” I asked tentatively.
“Yes and no,” he shrugged, looking down into his tea. “My dad was pretty abusive when he was drunk. And he was always drunk. I made sure Ben was never on the receiving end though.”
He looked hurt. I shuffled closer to him and rested my head on his shoulder.
“I was so angry all the time, I took to fighting at school and on the streets just to take out some of the frustration from home,” he paused, leaning his head back onto the wall behind him with his eyes closed. “I guess in a way I should be grateful that I learnt to hit and get hit from my dad otherwise I'd never have gotten into MMA.”
“I think that's why Craig started too, he was always getting beaten up by Karl and Matt,” I said quietly.