by R. J. Sable
“Thanks, Adam,” Jason nodded, gesturing to the seat next to the desk.
Adam sat down and handed us a cup of tea each.
“Thanks,” I smiled meekly as I accepted the normally soothing beverage.
I sipped at it tentatively, my stomach felt pretty unsettled and I wasn't sure that I should drink it, but I was thirsty and it was comforting.
“I can't thank you enough, Adam,” Jason said earnestly, looking straight at Adam.
Adam just shook his head dismissively. “I should have broken in sooner.” He looked so sad.
“It's not your fault, Adam,” I said sadly. “If you hadn't come in when you did-” My hand started shaking and I had to hold my cup in both hands to keep from spilling it.
“How'd you get in?” Jason asked.
I was grateful for the interruption. I couldn't have finished my sentence.
“I heard that something wasn't right but when I tried the door it was locked. Jamie didn't answer when I called for her. I tried to force the door but I couldn't get through,” he shook his head sadly. “I ran around like a nutter trying to find something to pick the lock with.”
“You know how to pick a lock?” Jason asked, surprised.
“One of the kids I lived with taught me,” Adam shrugged. “Although admittedly it's a lot harder when your hands are shaking.” He shook his head again and looked at me apologetically.
“Why didn't you call the police, Jamie?” Jason asked sadly.
“We can't,” I whispered, unable to talk for fear my voice would crack. “He has a video of us.”
“What video?” Jason asked confused. “Who is he?”
“Jake's friend,” I said sadly. I didn't have the heart to tell Jason it'd been the same guy he'd seen me with the night Jake had been here. “He has a video of us at that club when Ben was in town.”
“So what?” Jason frowned, still not understanding.
Doesn’t he remember what he'd been doing that night? “He could send it to my brothers,” I said, my voice trembling in time with my body.
Jason held me tighter and I forced myself to take another sip of my tea. “So what if he does, Jamie?” Jason said, I could hear the tinge of anger in his voice. “That's no reason not to report this.”
I shook my head frantically. Doesn't he understand? “Jason, they'll kill you,” I emphasised.
“Are you serious?” Jason half-shouted.
“Please don't shout at me,” I trembled, shaking my head at him. “I can't let them hurt you, Jason.”
A new wave of tears burst through and Jason took a deep breath and closed his eyes. When he opened them again some of the anger had dissipated but he still looked immensely sad.
“I'm sorry, baby,” he said gently.
They tried to get me to eat some toast but I couldn't bring myself to eat. I just wanted to curl up in a ball forever and never leave this bed.
“Jamie,” Jason pleaded. “Let me take you to mine and look after you.”
“I... I really don't want to go outside,” I shook my head.
“I'll get a taxi, we'll only be outside for less than a minute, please, baby.”
I looked up into his eyes. I couldn't say no to him on this. I could see he needed it. I nodded and he leant forwards to kiss me on the head. I recoiled again automatically, I saw the hurt cross Jason's face but he didn't comment.
Jason lifted me down off his lap and set my feet down on the floor. He kept one arm around me and made his way over to Adam. He held his hand out and shook Adam's.
“I'm forever in your debt,” he said firmly, not breaking eye contact.
Adam blushed and looked awkward but nodded as he shook Jason's hand.
I was grateful to be inside the familiarity of Jason's flat. Looking around, everything appeared so normal. I knew there was no reason it should look any different. My world was crumbling around me but everybody else was still the same. It was a strange feeling of detachment from the world that left me feeling empty inside.
Jason took me into his room and just stood there, looking at me. He looked so frustrated and angry.
“I'm so sorry, Jason,” I said again, wiping away a new wave of tears.
“Baby, please don't apologise, you never have to apologise for any of this, okay?” He asked tentatively.
I nodded and crawled onto his bed.
“What can I do, Jamie?” He asked desperately as he remained standing, watching me intently.
I shook my head. There's nothing he can do. I just wanted to stop being able to feel. I was so ashamed of what Duff had done to me, what he'd almost taken from me. I'd almost let him. I wouldn't have been able to stop him. My mind drifted back to the night before and images of his hands and mouth on me flashed into my mind. I darted past Jason to the bathroom and promptly lost the cup of tea I'd drunk in Adam's room.
I flushed the toilet and wiped my face clean. I was mortified to see that Jason was stood behind me. I really wish he hadn't just seen me throw up. Not that it matters. I doubt I could be any more disgusting to him. He took a step towards me and moved to put his hand on my shoulder and I pulled away instinctively.
“I'm sorry,” I cried as I saw the look of hurt cross his face.
“It's okay, Jamie, I understand.”
I could still hear the hurt in his voice even though I knew he was trying to hide it.
“I... I just feel so dirty,” I said with embarrassment, lowering my head. I couldn't bring myself to look at him.
Jason looked at me contemplatively, his head cocked. “Do you trust me?” He asked gently.
“Yes,” I answered immediately. I didn't need to think. I trusted Jason more than anyone else in the world.
“Please let me help you,” he said.
I nodded and stood up gingerly when he motioned me towards him. He opened his arms to me and I took a step forwards and allowed him to hug me. I breathed deeply, letting his smell fill my nose and overwhelm my senses. I felt my body relax gradually as he held me. I was safe with Jason. He wouldn't let anything happen to me.
He took a step back from me, squeezing my shoulder gently. He moved towards the bathtub and began filling it with water, adding some scented liquid as he did so.
“I'm going to undress you, okay?” He asked cautiously as he stepped back in front of me.
I whimpered slightly but didn't protest. I didn't want Jason to see my nakedness, not after what Duff had done. I was so angry, at myself and at Duff. But Jason meant everything to me and I didn't want what Duff had done to me to affect anything between us. I clenched my jaw and remained silent, my eyes shut tight. I felt Jason grip the bottom of my jumper and I whimpered again. He paused and I knew he was asking my permission. I raised my hands above my head slowly, allowing him to remove it. I heard him suck in his breath through clenched teeth as he dropped the jumper to the floor. I wasn't wearing a bra, my breasts had been far too tender to attempt to put one on.
I opened my eyes and immediately regretted it. Jason’s eyes flashed with fury for a second before he clenched his jaw and set his mouth in a hard line. I couldn't help but see my reflection in the mirror. I gasped as I took in my appearance. My wrists were bruised in bands from where I'd struggled against the belt. I let my eyes travel across my torso, there were angry looking bite marks on both my breasts and a huge hickey on the underside of my right breast. I raised my hand gingerly and pressed it cautiously over one of the bite marks. It hurt and I withdrew my fingers quickly as if I'd been burnt. I began to tremble as the reality of what he'd done to me set in.
Jason had been observing me, a pained expression on his face. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard, when he reopened them, some of the pain had gone and he appeared determined. I allowed him to undo the string of my jogging bottoms and tried hard to bite back the tears that were threatening once more. I tensed my muscles in an attempt to still my trembling body. Jason slid my jogging bottoms off together with my knickers and helped me to step out of them. He tested the
temperature of the bubbly water with his hand and turned off the taps.
He turned back to me and looked into my eyes questioningly. I stayed still, reeling from the damage to my mind and body. He bent down slightly, lifted me into his arms, and carried me to the bathtub, lowering me gently into the soothing water. I tensed slightly as the warm water met my skin, but I relaxed as my body acclimated.
I closed my eyes and let the water wash over my sore skin. It stung in the places where his teeth had broken the skin but I welcomed the pain. Jason took a clean flannel and squirted some body wash into it. He knelt on the floor next to the bathtub by my feet and lifted my right foot out of the tub. He began slowly washing my foot with the cloth.
“Is this okay?” He asked tentatively.
I kept my eyes closed and nodded. He spent an age meticulously scrubbing and cleaning every inch of me. It wasn't at all like the other times he'd washed me. There was nothing sexual about it. He was literally washing away the guilt and shame from my body, cleaning every trace of Duff's touch away from my skin. He hesitated slightly as he washed over the marks on my breasts. I hoped he was just cautious of hurting me rather than disgusted by the obvious signs of another man's touch on my body. When he had cleaned my skin from head to toe, he moved to my hair, massaging my scalp gently. I relaxed as his hands worked their magic.
What he was doing was incredibly sweet. He was giving me just what I needed in that moment. I had felt so dirty, so disgusting, and he was making me feel cleaner again. When he helped me out the bath and wrapped me in a big warm towel, I couldn't resist wrapping my arms around him and holding him tightly.
“Thank you,” I whispered against his chest.
“I'd do anything for you,” he replied, his lips against my hair.
He guided me back to his bedroom and helped me into his bed, still wrapped in towels. He lay down next to me and held me in his arms. The longer we lay there, the safer I felt. Jason's embrace was the scaffolding I needed to slowly rebuild the pieces of me that had crumbled apart.
I don't know how long I lay there with my face against Jason's chest as he slowly stroked my back. I may have dozed off for a while, I wasn't sure. When I finally tilted my head back to look at Jason, my hair was almost dry.
“Jason?” I asked tentatively.
He looked down at me, his green-blue eyes concerned and glistening in the light shining through the window.
“I know I have no right to, but I need to ask something of you,” I said quietly, my cheeks blushing.
“Everything I have to give is yours, baby, you know that,” he said, his finger gently grazing my cheek.
“I need you to make love to me,” I pleaded, my cheeks blushing but my meaning clear.
Jason looked bewildered as he stared back at me. “Jamie-” he started cautiously.
“I need this, please, Jason,” I pleaded.
“Why?” He asked, shaking his head slightly.
“I... He... When...” I tried to find the words to describe the need I felt. I took a deep breath and collected my thoughts. “When he... All I could think was that he was about to take something from me. Something that I wanted you to have. I don't ever want anybody to be able to take that from me. I want to chose who I give that to.” I pulled myself closer to Jason's chest and pressed my cheek against him once more as I waited nervously for him to respond. He didn't reply, and with every second that passed, I felt the weight of his rejection building against me. I should have known he wouldn't want me now. Shame washed over me and I made to roll away from him.
Jason put his arm round me to stop me from moving away and pushed himself up on his elbow so he was looking down at me. “Jamie, listen,” he said, his hand cupping my face. “I do want to give you what you're asking for, please never doubt that.” He lifted my hand and kissed it gently before holding it in his. “But, it would be wrong of me to do it now, on so many levels. If we had sex now, it would always be because he scared you into it. You want to do this because you want to make sure the decision is yours, but you're making that decision because of what he did to you and that's not right. You would regret it.”
I couldn't help the tears that spilled out. I knew he was right, but that had been the only way I could think of to try and regain some of the control I'd lost. I needed to feel like my body was my own once more.
“Jamie, I'll never, ever let anybody do anything like that to you again. Nobody will ever touch you without your permission, myself included. Okay?” His eyes searched mine, pleading for me to believe him.
I nodded as I wiped away the tears. I knew he meant it. I knew he wanted to protect me, always. I tilted up my head and kissed him, trying to convey the strength of my gratitude with my kiss. He kissed me back, tenderly, taking great care not to push against me too hard or deepen the kiss before I was ready. I wrapped my arm around his neck and rolled back into him, back into his warm, protecting embrace, and closed my eyes.
***
Monday, 20th November 2012
We found Adam waiting for me outside the lecture hall with a thermos flask. He smiled as he saw me and handed me the flask.
“Tea,” he grinned.
“Thanks, Adam,” I smiled back, giving him a small hug which he returned.
“See you tonight, baby,” Jason said, kissing me gently on the forehead.
I nodded and stood up on my tiptoes to plant a kiss on his lips. He wrapped his arms round my waist and held me against him before we broke the kiss.
Jason nodded at Adam before clapping him on the back and making his way towards the library.
“How you doing?” Adam asked cautiously as I sat down next to him.
“I'm okay,” I smiled and nodded at him. I wasn't lying. I obviously wasn't feeling quite myself. I doubted I'd ever be the same again, but I felt better. Jason had spent all weekend waiting on me hand and foot and catering to my every whim. I appreciated it but part of me was grateful to be back to normality. I'd had a lot of time to think over the weekend and I knew what I needed to do to protect myself.
I buried myself in my studies for the rest of the day, working through the reading and assignments together with Adam. It was nice to have something to focus on. There had been a little awkwardness with Adam at firs, but we'd fallen back into our usual pattern of laughing and joking pretty quickly. His normality grounded me and my appreciation for him grew. I was lucky to have such an amazing friend.
I waited in the library for Jason at six like we'd agreed. I saw him walking towards me and smiled automatically. I felt the tension leave my shoulders somewhat just from knowing he was nearby. A flash of fear took hold of me as I thought about what would happen to him if that video ever made it to my brothers. I pushed the thought out of my mind. I couldn't go there right now. It had been three days, if they didn't know about it by now I had no reason to believe Duff was going to show them it. Maybe he was scared I would go to the police and was holding the video as insurance. Either way, Jason was safe for now.
He held my hand tight as we walked home. I enjoyed the feel of his hand against mine, the familiar tingles that always accompanied his touch still raced through me. He told me about his thesis as we walked and I listened intently. I loved knowing what he was doing. I didn't fully understand what he was working on but I could tell he was really very clever. He talked about his thesis with such passion and enthusiasm, I couldn't help but smile.
“Jason,” I said quietly as he opened the door to his flat.
“Jamie,” he replied, in the same tone as I had used.
“Can I ask a favour?”
“Anything for you, baby, you know that,” he said sincerely, turning to look at me.
“Will you teach me how to defend myself?” I asked with determination. I didn't ever want to feel vulnerable and scared like that ever again.
Jason looked at me pensively for a few seconds before turning his key in the lock and motioning me through the door. “Of course I will, if that's what you want,” he sa
id, hanging his coat up.
I nodded enthusiastically, grateful that he was willing to help me.
“When do you want to start?” He asked.
“As soon as possible,” I said firmly.
“We can start tonight if you like?” He asked.
I nodded again and threw my arms around him and held him tightly against me. It meant the world to me that he was going to help me reclaim control over my own body. I knew Jason wanted to protect me but I also knew there were scenarios where that just wouldn't be possible.
Thinking about what Duff had done to me, both over the years and on Friday, had made me take my life in stock. My brothers had always been there to protect me but they'd not always stepped in to keep him away from me. I knew they thought we were both just mucking around as kids but the fact that they'd let so much slide still hurt me. I needed to be able to protect myself from him and others no matter what the situation. I wanted to be the one to make decisions about my body and who had access to it.
Josh came with us to the gym. Jason had asked me first if it was okay because it would be handy to have an extra body to help train me. Standing on the mats, I was nervous but exhilarated. I'd watched my brothers sparring tonnes of times over the years but they never wanted to teach me. I'd tried to copy their movements a few times against Duff and Jake but no matter what I tried it never seemed to work. They were always bigger and stronger.
“Try and keep your feet here and here,” Jason said as he showed me how to put my feet into the correct stance.
“Whenever you're not using them, you should try and keep your hands here,” Josh guided my hands into a guard. “It'll be easier to protect yourself from blows.”
“Now, in most cases you'd be defending yourself from somebody much bigger, and probably stronger,” Jason said as he placed himself behind me. “That doesn't mean you don't have a chance. Your best bet is to get away. You're a good runner, I've seen that. What we need to teach you first is how to break loose from an attacker and cause enough damage that you can escape and run to safety.”