“Listen guys,” he starts, “I'm going to have to give the movie a miss tonight. The girlfriend’s in a bit of a tizz so I’d better go and sort things out with her.”
“There’s a movie?” I ask.
“Yeah, I forgot to mention it, I hired one on the way home – there’s shit all on tv tonight. It’s over by the DVD player so you guys watch it. It's due back tomorrow. Anyway, I’ve gotta go.”
Paige
“Shane, aren’t you leaving next month?” I ask before he leaves.
“Yeah, that’s kinda what Coral’s problem is. I’ll see you both later,” he says as he grabs his jacket and keys and heads out the door, leaving Elliot and I alone in the house for the first time since I started living here.
For a moment, I watch him from where I’m sitting as he moves around cleaning the kitchen. He is such a kind and beautiful man, and I feel bad for leaving things so unresolved between us, but I can’t help feeling happy just being around him right now.
Rising from my seat, I decide I should help him by drying the dishes. He smiles gratefully at me as I take the first one from the strainer, but he doesn’t speak. He seems lost in thought as we work together, quietly and comfortably, side by side.
Leaving the tea towel on the bench top I pick up the pile of dry dishes to return to the cupboard and bend from the waist to slide them into place. As I right myself, my breath catches in my chest when I find him looking at me, his eyes so intense that I feel frozen in place. Reaching for the tea towel, he dries his hands before he stops what he's doing and turns his whole body to face me.
“What’s your tattoo of?” he probes, dropping his eyes to my waist height.
“What tattoo?” I reply nervously, in a lame attempt to deflect.
“The black and orange one that occasionally sticks out from under your shirt. I saw it on the plane when we first met, and I’ve seen it a couple of times when you’ve leant forward. What is it?” He steps closer to me, a solemn look in his eye.
I shift uneasily under his gaze, “Oh… uh, that one – it’s um just the markings of my misspent youth. It’s um, a phoenix.”
“A phoenix?” he repeats, his voice low and rumbling, caressing even, as he steps closer.
My breathing quickens as I nod quickly in response, suddenly I’m feeling light headed. Taking a step backwards, I try to gain a little distance between us, but that only puts me up against the cupboard behind me. “Elliot don’t,” I whisper watching him stalk towards me. He stops right in front of me, his body brushing up against my own and sending little spirals of longing shooting through me. He’s so close that if I lift my head, we’ll be kissing.
“Can I see it?” he asks, his voice barely audible.
“No,” I breathe out, closing my eyes and trying to focus on keeping calm. His lips brush mine lightly, and I let out a whimper. I'm torn between my body’s impulses to pull him toward me, and my brain’s insistence that I stay away from him. Then all of a sudden, nothing.
Letting out a shaky breath, I open my eyes, feeling both relieved and bereft to see him standing at the sink again, washing up as if nothing happened. I decide to take my cue from him, and walk back over to continue drying up.
“Leave it,” he says, a slight edge to his voice.
I pause and look at him, warring with myself about how I want to deal with this. I can walk away right now, and let whatever this is between us go, without ever having to deal with it. I feel as if I push him away one more time, he might never come back.
A heaviness weighs down my chest, making it hard for me to act. It feels as though my decision now – whichever one it is; will change everything between us. I can’t keep him away anymore, even though I should.
Despite the fact that my better judgement keeps screaming at me to stop, I do something I haven’t voluntarily done for years. I reach out and place my hand on his arm to get his attention.
Elliot
Besides when I forced her to shake my hand on the plane and then paid her to cut my hair, Paige has never touched me willingly – it’s always been me reaching for her. That’s why, when she does, it makes my heart ache from not knowing it until now.
“Elliot,” she ventures, her hand still resting upon my arm. “I’m sorry, ok. I haven’t shown anyone the tattoo – ever... Well, besides the artist of course, but…” Her hands drop to her sides with a slap, “Oh god. I'm ruining this aren’t I?”
Drying my hands again, I turn to face her, meeting her amber eyes that are brimming with tears as her eyebrows furrow and her mouth opens as if she is going to speak. Her eyes dart from side to side as she clamps her mouth shut and presses her full lips together in a thin line. I say nothing as I watch her beautiful face run a gamut of emotions. Feeling disappointed however, when none of them are conveyed to me.
Leaning with one hand on the edge of the sink, I glance down at the floor and clear my throat, I don’t know what it is she isn’t telling me, but it bothers me that she doesn’t trust me enough to tell me things, I’d hoped we were moving past this.
“Paige, what do you want from me?” I ask point blank. It's time to lay our cards on the table.
“I…I don’t know,” she stammers out.
“I think you do,” I whisper.
Slowly, I reach out and gently touch her cheek. It’s as if she quivers under my fingertips and when she closes her eyes, a single tear escapes, sliding down towards my hand in a bright trail of emotion.
Brushing my thumb over the tear, I wipe it away. Paige starts shaking her head and squeezing her eyes tighter. “No, Elliot,” she breathes out, “You don’t want me like that.” When she opens her eyes and stares into mine, hers are so full anguish that I ache along with her, desperately wanting to do something to try to take some of that pain away.
“But I do Paige, what do you want from me,” I insist.
“I…I can’t.”
“Say it Paige,” I continue to push needing this to happen, no matter what the cost.
“You Elliot, I want you!” she yells, finally admitting to what is between us before she drops her face and takes a step away from me. “I’ve done things Elliot, terrible things, and I’ve hurt people. I've used people. I….Oh, god, I can’t do this…” She shakes her hands in an agitated fashion and blows out a calming breath before she continues. “The tattoo, it’s a huge reminder of everything I never want to be again, and I don’t get to have someone like you. I don’t deserve this. I'm not supposed to be happy!” she cries. “Can’t you understand that!?”
Suddenly, I feel really crappy for pushing her. My chest hurts watching her so upset, especially knowing it was me that caused it. Taking a couple of quick steps, I close the distance between us, hugging her tightly to my chest. It’s the only thing I can think to do right now.
Paige
In all my life, I have never been held as I am now, and it’s more than I can bear, huge sobs wrack through my body for everything I wish I could forget. Clinging tightly to him, I draw in his strength and take comfort in his arms.
“There’s nothing you could tell me that would make me stop caring about you Paige,” he says as he lifts my face so I have to look at him. The sincerity in his eyes pulls at my heart and I can see he fully believes his own words. For a moment, I do too. But the reality is - no man wants a woman with a past like mine, not anyone decent anyway.
When he leans in slowly and brushes his lips against my own, a feeling of beautiful longing sweeps through my body causing fresh tears to fall from my eyes.
Overcome with emotion, I give in to my desires and kiss him back. Opening my mouth slightly as he holds my face tenderly in his hands. I respond as his lips entwine with my own, softly tasting and teasing. Never forcing anything.
Pulling away, he presses his lips to my forehead and circles his arms around me once more. This time I hug him back, breathing steadily as I listen to the rhythmic beating of his heart. “Can we watch the movie now?” I ask.
I feel his c
hest bounce as he laughs, “Yeah, we can watch the movie.”
He takes my hand and guides me over to the couches. I let him hold my hand, and I even let him put his arm around me as we watch the movie. I feel so undeserving of him as I rest my head against his chest. My heart swells at the mere thought of him and I know I’ve fallen too far, so much further than I wanted to. My mind keeps telling me to get up and go, pack my bags and leave. But my body is staying firmly, pressed up against his, refusing to let go.
Instead of focusing on the movie I’m running through my options in my mind. Is it wrong of me to want him as much as I do? He’s only here for six weeks; this can’t go anywhere… maybe I could do this. Maybe I could have this without having to tell him anything. Would it be wrong to just enjoy what little closeness we can have before he goes? I wriggle a little against his hard chest and feel myself melting against him.
Six weeks… six weeks until he goes home, and then if I have to - I’ll tell him everything, then I’ll let him go.
Chapter 12
Elliot
“You’re awfully happy today,” my client, Agy, comments as she wipes her face with the towel I just handed her. “Is there a new love interest making you look that way?”
Smiling, I simply shrug my shoulders. Agy is one of my favourite clients. She's in her late 50s and comes to the gym every day to work out. She doesn’t come here to partake in any gentle movement either - she does full-on weights training and intense cardio. She’s strong as an ox, and I’m betting she’s going to live until she’s at least a hundred.
Training her is always entertaining because she’s got loads of great stories to tell me about when she was a kid growing up in the country, and she in turn, loves to hear me talk about Australia.
“Come on, tell me all about her. It’s been a long time since I’ve gotten a dose of young love,” she presses.
“What do you want to know Agy?” I ask.
“Well, her name for starters – unless it’s a he of course, then you can give me his name,” she starts all very matter-of-factly.
I can’t help but laugh at her boldness. It's one of the reasons I like her so much. “Paige, her name is Paige, Agy.”
“Well that’s a lovely name. Now you can tell me all about her,” she asks eyes gleaming as she listens in rapt attention while tell her about meeting Paige on the plane and some brief details about how she came to stay in the flat and how our friendship has been progressing.
“She’s been making it really hard to get to know her, like she’s scared of her feelings for me. But we finally made some progress last night and this morning, well, she just kept smiling and Agy, she’s beautiful when she smiles,” I finish, fighting hard to stop my mouth from curling into some sort of goofy grin.
“That’s wonderful Elliot. I'm sure any girl who can hold the attention of a gorgeous young man like you is well worth the effort.”
“She is, Agy. I really think she is.”
Paige
“Let me guess,” Andrea says, looking at me with squinting eyes. “You took my advice and finally told Elliot you’re into him? Are you dating now?”
I look at her briefly, trying to focus on cutting hair, but just the thought of actually being with Elliot causes a smile to creep across my lips. “Not exactly dating, but things are good.”
“Hmmm, have you shagged him yet?”
I raise my eyebrows and look at her again as my client watches us closely in the mirror.
“No, I haven’t ‘shagged’ him,” I answer, using my fingers as quote marks.
“Just wondering,” she says before she turns back to her own work.
I shake my head, smiling my way through the rest of the day.
Elliot
Standing outside the hair salon waiting for Paige, I’m suddenly filled with nerves. I only have six weeks left in the UK. I don’t want to waste any more time pretending it’s ok to just be friends. I want more from her, and I’m not going to let her push me away anymore. Every time I lay my eyes on her the whole world just melts around me. She's all I can think about; I need to be with her.
When she emerges from the salon, she’s with her boss, Andrea, who gives me a little finger wave. “Hi Elliot,” she sing songs at me. I smile and nod at her as I notice a look pass between them causing Paige’s face to go bright red.
“Have you been talking about me today?” I ask, grinning at her as she gets closer.
The answer she gives me is a coy smile, and a little shrug of the shoulders.
“Have fun lovebirds,” Andrea calls to us as she walks towards the station.
We both laugh as we say good bye and turn to walk in the other direction. I take a risk and grab her hand as we start to move, interlacing our fingers and giving her a gentle squeeze. I’m rewarded with a smile and a body nudge as we walk quietly for a while, hand in hand, enjoying our new closeness.
“So, Brian texted me earlier, he said everyone was heading down to the Hole to get some dinner and have a few drinks, you up for it?” I ask her.
“Of course,” she smiles, meeting my eyes. The attraction between us buzzes through the air as it passes between us. We don’t say a lot, we just walk together smiling stupidly. It’s hard to believe that something as minor as a hand hold would make me so ridiculously happy, but it does.
Paige
The moment we reach the door to our flat, I drop Elliot’s hand, my disconnection causing him to look at me frowning.
“I feel kind of weird,” I explain.
“You feel weird?”
“I do - I’m sorry!” I grimace.
He sighs and lifts his hands to hold either side of my face. His touch causing a light headedness to overcome me, I have to fight to keep my eyes open, so I can focus on him.
“Paige – this is your one and only chance to back out. Once we move things forward, I’m not willing to back off. It’s all or nothing Paige. I can’t just be your friend anymore.”
His blue eyes are dark and serious, and I find myself staring up and him and nodding helplessly. My head didn’t even consult me – it just started moving all by itself.
“What does that even mean?” he smiles as he watches my helpless nodding.
“Don’t back off,” I whisper.
“Then I won’t,” he says as he presses a kiss to my forehead before releasing me to push open the door, holding it until I step inside before him.
We remove our coats and hang them on the pegs by the door, dropping my bag and his wallet and phone on the bookcase as we pass in to the living area.
As per usual, there are bodies draped all over the couches and a mess all over the table. We say a quick hello to everyone, and I take a look to see what they're watching on TV.
I laugh when I see it’s an Aussie soap called Home & Away. “You might as well all be back in Australia!” I tell them.
“I don’t want to miss out on the happenings of Summer Bay,” Naomi laughs without taking her eyes off the screen.
“But you’re going to be weeks behind anyway,” I point out.
Those watching, blow raspberries and wave me away laughing good naturedly, as I go into the kitchen to grab a glass of water.
“They probably don’t even watch it at home,” I say with amusement to Elliot as he follows meand leans against the bench top watching me drink. I love the way he watches me, it feels like he’s caressing everywhere he looks from across the small space.
We both turn to the front door as it opens and Shane walks in with his girlfriend trailing behind him. “Hi,” she waves at me, I’ve met her a couple of times, but I can’t for the life of me remember what her name is, it’s some sort of flower, or tree…
“Hi Shane, Hi Coral,” Elliot greets seamlessly.
“Hey,” Shane says taking off his jacket and hanging it next to ours. “How long til everyone’s ready to go?”
“They’re watching Home & Away so probably a good 15 minutes,” I tell him.
“Excellent, I�
�m busting for a dump.”
With wide eyes, we all grimace at each other after that stellar revelation from Shane.
“Way too much information,” I laugh as he disappears down the hallway towards the bathroom. I turn to his girlfriend, feeling the need to change the subject. “So Coral, I don’t think you’ve ever told me how you and Shane hooked up.”
“Oh,” she says, making a face. “Nothing exciting, we just hooked up at the pub. I really liked his accent, so I was a pretty easy catch I think.”
“He seems to like you a lot,” I offer. I'm shit at these conversations.
Coral just shrugs her shoulders looking slightly disheartened, I said the wrong thing – awesome. An uncomfortable silence stretches out for what seems like forever before she shifts the conversation.
“How long have you two been together?” she asks looking from me to Elliot.
“Oh… I… we’re…” I stammer, freaking out a little about qualifying any sort of relationship at this early stage.
“We met on the plane over here,” Elliot puts in.
“Oh, you’ve been together a while then,” she comments.
“Seems that way doesn’t it?” I say eyeing Elliot, who’s standing against the bench grinning while he finishes off my glass of water.
Redirecting her, I ask a few more questions about her life while we wait, to be polite. She’s a little difficult to talk to, not wanting to elaborate too much. It makes me wonder if that’s how I come across to people, thinking that perhaps I need to make the effort to change that.
Chapter 13
Elliot
As we all walk towards the Hole, I decide to go bold this time by putting my arm around her. When she slips her arm around my waist, I breathe a slow sigh of relief, I didn’t even realise I was holding my breath while I waited for a response.
When everyone else enters the pub, I hold her back and turn to her as she smiles up at me, her cheeks and nose pink from the cold air, her long hair sitting over her shoulders in the thick glossy curls she created for work.
A Beautiful Forever Page 8