Writer's Block

by Kluivert Galea

  “Look, Gary, I don’t know. I barely watch comedies. I get my comedic fix from South Park and Bo Burnham, and I can’t see why you’re freaking out. I mean practically everyone has heard about Cowboy Bepop and I had to tell you about it.”

  “Whatever man, just watch Friends or we can’t be friends.”

  “Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds? And anyway, I’ll watch it if you watch Bepop, which is basically the greatest anime ever made.” Kraig looked at his TV, a bright coloured ‘defeat’ was displayed.

  “Fucking hell, we lost again. I fucking hate this game, when are Eric and Ron coming online; all these fucks are incompetent.”

  “I don’t know. You want to go another round?”

  Kraig stood silent for a second or two, “Fuck it. Why not?”

  Chapter 5

  Girl

  It was just another ordinary day in November, nothing special going on that day. The rain was pouring down, the sun hid behind the clouds yet like a giggling schoolgirl, showed its face from behind a corner every now and then as it played hide and seek.

  Kraig was enjoying some hot chocolate with his friends at school, when they saw Anna walk in through the canteen doors, her raincoat soaking wet, she made her way to Eric and let out a long angry sigh. “It’s been raining for two days straight,” she exclaimed, clearly pissed off.

  “You could say it’s just ‘Anna-there’ day of rain,” Kraig chimed in, pointing at her with finger guns and a wide smug grin painted across his face.

  Gary gave him a light slap. “I swear to God, I hate you so fucking much,” said Gary.

  “No, you don’t,” said Kraig, laughing.

  A few minutes later, Emma and Kate walked in through the same door. Kate looked distressed and Kraig saw her rambling to Emma as they both walked towards the others.

  “Something the matter?” asked Kraig.

  “I forgot my keys,” said Kate, pressing both her cheeks with her hands, “And to top it all off, my parents are visiting my aunt and they’re going to be stuck there because of all this stupid rain.”

  They all looked at each other and mumbled, trying to come up with a solution to Kate’s problem. They couldn’t come up with a feasible one, but there was one (there were probably more, but whatever).

  “Well,” Kraig chimed in, “the closest house is mine, so you’re welcome to crash there until the rain stops.”

  “Won’t your mother be at work?” asked Gary.

  “Yes,” he replied. As all of them (except Kate) looked at him, he realised what he was implying. Flustered and trying to salvage the situation, he said, “I don’t mean it… like I didn’t ask for that reason… It’s not…”

  “What reason?” asked Kate, who was just as perplexed as him (and possibly more clueless).

  Kraig pinched the bridge of his nose, “Look, the rain’s not going to stop anytime soon, and judging from what everybody else said, there doesn’t seem to be a solution. So, if you want, you can just stay in my room playing Mario kart or whatever you want while I clean the dishes or something in the kitchen, you won’t even know I’m there. Quite frankly, this is more for my own peace of mind. I’d worry about you, knowing you had no place to go… and I should probably stop talking.”

  Kate considered herself unlucky for ending up in that situation, but she was glad she had someplace to go until the rain died down, and luckily for Kraig (don’t worry, Kate also thought she was lucky for this while also feeling unlucky (look, emotions are complicated), none of the others could let her stay, or rather, they wanted to help but…

  Ron and Eric were both going to their girlfriend’s house to watch a movie, so Kate’s two best friends were out of the question, and Gary had a date with Pauline, a chick in his Psychology class. And besides, he wasn’t about to make things awkward for his buddy and invite the girl he likes over, so he let him have his moment.

  So, the burden fell on Kraig’s shoulders (although it wasn’t much of a burden, really). Lady luck smiled on Kraig that day, Kate’s misfortune was his luck (it was also hers, but again, emotions and complications), but even though Lady Luck smiled on him that day, she was still a cruel mistress, maybe not on that day, but she had been.

  After school was over, the rain was still pouring. Kate’s parents called her saying they were stuck at her aunt’s since the rain was much heavier there, so she took up Kraig on his offer. Catherine picked both of them up before she went to work and dropped them off at Kraig’s (her) home.

  As the two of them walked in through the common door, Catherine made an ‘I’m watching you’ gesture towards her son (as soon as Kate walked in through the door) and burst into laughter. Kraig rolled his eyes and stuck out a thumb in agreement and mouthed ‘just friends’.

  “You’re a pussy,” Catherine mouthed back, before driving off to work.

  Even though she dropped them off exactly in front of the door, they were still both soaking wet by the time they were actually in the common block.

  “Come on, I’ll get you a t-shirt,” said Kraig, opening the apartment door and making his way towards his room. Duke was sleeping curled up on his bed. He opened the middle door of his closet which was full of shelves; he reached for the top shelf where all his casual t-shirts were and pulled out a grey t-shirt with Midoriya from ‘Boku No hero Academia’ printed on the front.

  “Will this do?” he asked, unsure if she’d be willing to wear such a shirt, although at this point, he shouldn’t be worrying so much.

  “Yeah, it’s fine,” she answered in a quiet, squeaky voice as if she was scared to be there. No, she wasn’t scared, but she was definitely shy about the situation; they were alone after all. Kraig pulled out a pair of sweat pants and put the pants and shirt on the bed, he quickly (and needlessly) went to the bathroom and got a towel and facecloth.

  “The bathroom’s on the left, if you want to have a quick shower maybe,” he said.

  “Thanks,” and with that, she disappeared into the bathroom.

  Kraig put on Let It Bleed and peered out of his bedroom window, his face held up by one hand one the window’s ledge, as the drops of water violently smashed against the window. Thunder cracked in the distance, yet he thought it was beautiful, it made him feel at peace, he truly loved the rain and how it let him stay at home on cold days (unlike today where it was strangely still quite warm), snuggling up in a blanket with some hot chocolate and watching 500 Days of Summer yet again.

  He sat down in his chair and wheeled himself over to the window to stare once more, he rested on both hands; his chin touching his palms. He stared below, and saw a young man and a woman not much older than him. The man pulled her closer to him by the waist and gave her a long kiss. A kiss in the rain, he thought, what horseshit. The place is going to be flooded and they stop for a kiss, bluh.

  He stood thinking in silence, Idiots, you’re going to catch a cold if you stay in the rain too long. I guess it’s hypocritical of me to scoff. I mean, I tried to do the same thing once, I thought it’d be romantic, magical. No, all I got was ‘Gross’ and a laugh to mend the wounds after she saw my disappointed face. Romance is fucking bullshit, it’s dead… well… Ronald and Eric seem to have a good thing going, I guess they’re one of the few who get lucky… Ron was right, I am just fru—

  His thoughts were interrupted by crude, horrible singing coming from the bathroom, she was singing along to the record. He smiled, the sound made him happy, although she didn’t have any intentions of being heard. He listened to the crude, awful, cheerful, pleasant singing and happily gazed out of the window. That’s all he ever did really, he looked, and I guess that’s to be expected. He was an observer, he never really had any intentions of participating in the world around him, and so he’d watch the world pass him by as he was left behind.

  He heard a knocking at the door and Kate walked in with messy, wet hair, wearing the t-shirt which was just a tad bit too big for her and a small smile on her face.

  He thought she was pret
ty.

  Kraig got up from his chair, pulled out a Batman t-shirt, a pair of sweatpants and disappeared into the bathroom and emerged twenty minutes later.

  When he got back, he found Kate playing with Duke, petting his head and belly as he rolled on the bed, Kraig looked at the TV.

  “How the fuck did you get nine wins? I can barely get two.”

  “Well, that’s because you suck,” she laughed, “Besides, I grew up playing Tekken.”

  He smiled, “Uhm… so listen, I’m going to make some food, so you can either stay here and play with Duke or whatever, or come into the kitchen and also play with Duke… I guess… It’s up to you or whatever.”

  Kraig left the room and Kate and Duke both followed him into the kitchen.

  “Here we go,” he said, as he pulled out a sack of dogfood from underneath the sink cupboard and poured it into Duke’s bowl. He squatted down and pet his dog on the head as he ate.

  “There you go, boy,” he said with compassion. Kraig got up and thoroughly washed his hands before pulling out a packet of tortillas and a frying pan. He struck a match and lit the cooker. He drizzled some vegetable oil into the pan, it sizzled, shot up and landed on his forearm.

  He instinctively let go of the pan and retreated his hand. “Every fucking time,” he said, making his way to the sink. He put it under cold water.

  “Are you okay?” said Kate, frantically worried on the inside though not showing it on the outside.

  “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, don’t worry about it.”

  He got a bag of sliced chicken from the freezer and tossed them in the pan, occasionally stirring them. Kate stood there watching him work and she enjoyed it, she hadn’t expected him to cook as he had admitted to being lazy. She couldn’t however stand the awkward silence.

  “Are you going to say something? This silence is sort of awkward.”

  “Don’t have anything to say,” he replied coldly.

  “Everyone has something to say.”

  “Not me. I’m the most boring shithead you’ll ever meet.”

  An awkward silence fell again, Kraig was rummaging through the fridge trying to find the feta cheese, mozzarella and black olives.

  “Did you pick up writing again?” she asked.

  Kraig held up the ingredients. “These good for your wrap?” he said.

  “Yes, I love those, but you still haven’t answered my question.”

  Kraig pulled out two tortillas from the bag and put them on the counter. Kraig cut the feta cheese and mozzarella into small cubes then spread all three ingredients plentifully on the tortillas before putting his knife down. He rested both hands on the counter top.

  “I’d rather not get into it,” he said, without looking in her direction.

  Kraig stirred the chicken in the pan and lowered the heat. He took a seat at the table opposite Kate and sat in a relaxed, nonchalant manner with his legs stretched out and his toes looking at the ceiling.

  “I know it’s stupid, you know, quitting because of a girl, and what’s even stupider is basing your happiness off of a relationship and then letting that relationship hold you by your neck once it ends, whatever. Don’t get me wrong, I love Literature, but I feel like I have to have someone’s approval to write so that’s why I try to find someone who’ll make me happy. Because I’m incapable of doing so. It’s fairly obvious that I’m a hopeless, romantic person, but now you know for sure and romance is where I get my approval from and I don’t know honestly, emotions are complicated, I don’t even understand them myself, this sounds like gibberish to me. Again, I love Literature and writing but… women never choose the writers, they like the jocks, the sports players, the guys that look like something they’d see in their wildest dreams, hell not even chicks who spend all day reading would date a writer.” He let out a long sigh.

  “I would,” she said.

  Butterflies circled around Kraig’s stomach; his heart skipped a beat and in a second, a million thoughts passed his mind. No, no, stop it. I’m not going to fall for her, you’re disillusioned, she said a writer not you. She’d date anyone but you, so get it out of your DAMN HEAD. Kraig was unsure of what to say, he went into autopilot.

  “Well,” he said, getting up from his chair, “then I guess it’s not writers. I’m the problem. I’m just a piece of shit and it’s no use to struggle against fate. I’ll always be trash no matter what I do so what’s the point of trying?”

  “You’re not a piece of shit,” Kate encouraged him, trying to make him feel better.

  “I’m pretty sure I am, I fuck up everything I do.”

  Kraig turned off the stove and spread the chicken into the tortillas, but the tortillas were brittle and as he tried to wrap them they tore at the ends and it just became a mess even though the contents were still contained within the tortilla. He put both of them on plates and put one in front of Kate.

  “Case in point,” he said, as he put his plate on the table.

  Kate took a bite of her wrap, it was good.

  “You know, come to think of it, maybe you’re like this wrap, you know?”

  “Weird analogy, how come?”

  “Okay, so hear me out. When you look at yourself, you think you’re a mess but if you actually bite in, it’s actually glorious.”

  “Maybe,” chuckled Kraig, feeling just a bit better.

  They ate the wraps in silence. The only notable noise being that of Kraig occasionally petting Duke with his left hand as he sat down on the ground at the foot of his chair. The rain was still pouring heavy outside and it didn’t show any signs of letting up anytime soon. Kraig invited her into his room as they were done eating. He put everything in the sink and they both went into the bedroom.

  It was beginning to get quite a bit chilly, so Kraig pulled out his favourite blanket from his wardrobe and threw it onto Kate, “It’s wool, it’s soft and I fucking love it.”

  She felt the soft blanket and her giggly laughter filled the room. It was sweet and innocent, like a baby playing peek-a-boo, her laugh invigorated Kraig, though he couldn’t explain why (it’s because he liked her, obviously. It’s not rocket science).

  He could hear that laugh forever and never get tired of it, he’d hear it every day if he could, and as he saw her pure enjoyment from something as simple as a soft blanket, he was slowly coming to terms with the fact that maybe he really did like her, but he knew he had no chance. Not a single one in hell, he thought.

  Kate snuggled herself up in the blanket, her legs bent on the chair with just her face and hands showing through the blanket. Kraig got a chair from the kitchen and sat it down next to Kate. He turned on his PlayStation to play Tekken 7.

  They laughed and played for a while, usually with Kate winning and even though he was happy to have her by his side, Kraig still felt incompetent for losing. Incompetence translates to everything, he thought.

  As time went by, the air got even colder. Kate noticed that Kraig was slightly shivering every now and again. She pulled him closer, and threw the blanket around him as well; it was big enough for both.

  “Thanks,” he said, slightly blushing and looking away. He continued to speak under the effect of a high ecstasy, unaware of what he was saying. His words were purely the output of an overflow of repressed emotions.

  “You’re so—You’re really amazing, I just—You’re great, you know, you’re so talented and pretty and just so, so great and why you choose to be friends with me is beyond me and I know this is stupid and lame, and I sound like a freak for saying this but,” he lowered his voice to where it was barely audible, a whisper, “I’d like it if things could always be like this.”

  “You want us to stay friends forever?” asked Kate, slightly tilting her head to the right.

  Kraig fumbled with his words and stayed silent for a second, “Yeah, yeah I do. I’d… I’d like that.”

  “Well,” she continued, smiling, and with a slight sting in her gut, “if you want us to stay as friends, then you’re going to hav
e to start writing again.”

  “I told you, I can’t do that, I just can’t,” Kraig wiped away the non-existent tears in his eyes.

  “Why the hell not?” she replied, slightly angry.

  “Because as I’ve told you, my last girlfriend fucked me up big time, so why do you feel the need to keep bringing it up?” An expression of deep sorrow rested on Kraig’s face, but it wasn’t sudden, quicker than a cowboy’s draw. No, it crept from the back of his mind slowly as he spoke that sentence.

  “That’s why I can’t, I still can’t cope with what happened, there’s more I haven’t told you. It’s stupid to be affected because it was my only one but it made me lose faith in everything, except in my mum. I gave up on everyone, hell I didn’t even want to make friends because I knew every form of relationship I had would end in disaster and with me heartbroken, so I gave up. I blamed myself for everything and accepted myself as the piece of shit pushover she thought I was, and the moment I start to write is the moment that I’d be doing something on my own accord outside the clutches of anyone. It would be a moment where my actions mean that I am capable of creating something and I’m more than I think I am. It’s the moment that I prove her wrong. But, quite frankly, I don’t have the strength to do it.”

  “I’m sorry for—”

  “Don’t sweat it,” Kraig replied, cutting her off. Kate felt a sense of both regret and guilt. She felt guilty for prying, but she just wanted him to feel better and she believed that if he wrote again he would, she thought, he’d feel whole.

  She spoke in a soft voice and grabbed his hand, “Look, you said it yourself, right? The moment you write is the moment you win, so go ahead and prove her wrong. Don’t give her the privilege of destroying your life when she’s out of it.”

  “It’s not that simple,” Kraig put his controller on his desk, “Certain things leave scars… that sounds stereotypical… Look, point is, I can’t just snap my fingers and make myself all okay; I’m a sensitive little bitch. I loved her and after everything…” Kraig put his hand up to his brow and closed his eyes, he wrapped the blanket tighter around him and opened his eyes, “I guess, I should start at the beginning.” He massaged his right temple, as he spoke, trying to stir up the memories, “Her name was Ray, and I met her through an ex-friend of mine.”