When Love Returns

by Kim Vogel Sawyer

  Cynthia blinked rapidly against the fresh tears filling her eyes. How she wanted to be all good for her children, different from her own mother, whose imperfections and badness had darkened her childhood and pushed her down pathways of poor choices that left her riddled with regrets. “I know I’m not God, Barrett, but I want to be…someone you can admire.” Her last words emerged on a ragged whisper.

  At once both children dove at her. Even Barrett, who’d nearly abandoned giving hugs since his eleventh birthday two months ago, claiming the practice was “babyish.” Their arms wrapped around her, holding her tight. Their heads pressed into the curve of her neck, their warm breath offering comfort. She curled her arms around their frames and clung while prayers of both gratitude and pleading spilled from her heart.

  Glenn placed his palm on her back, adding the warmth of his presence to the group embrace. “Cyn, I think what the kids are trying to tell you is that something from when you were a teenager doesn’t have to define who you are today. You’re their mother and they love you. Am I right, buckaroos?”

  Both of them nodded, their hair tickling Cynthia’s cheeks. She gently set them aside. She’d dropped the envelope, but she reached for it again and smoothed it across her thigh to erase the wrinkles. Despite her efforts the creases remained, a stark reminder of the permanent imprint she wore on her soul. She swallowed. “I love you guys, too.” She glanced at Glenn. She wanted to be mad at him for telling her secret, but there was such hopefulness in his eyes. He’d only wanted to please her. She sighed. “And I love you.”

  His endearing, eye-crinkling smile lit his face. “That’s good to know.” He caught hold of Barrett and heaved him off the couch. Giggling, Darcy hopped up, too. “You two take your loot to your rooms and then set the table for Mom—help her out with Christmas breakfast, okay?”

  “Sure, Dad.” The pair scurried to obey.

  As soon as the children departed, Glenn pulled Cynthia into his embrace. His stubble pricked her forehead, and the envelope received a few more wrinkles from being pressed between them, but she chose not to pull away. She needed the security his strong arms offered. He whispered against her hair, “Have I upset you?”

  He had, but she wouldn’t spoil Christmas Day with harsh words or accusations. Determined to bury the ugly memories parading through her mind, she burrowed into his chest. They’d rolled out of bed and scuffed into the living room to open gifts at the crack of dawn, neither bothering to shower before tugging on yesterday’s rumpled clothes from the top of the hamper. He smelled of sleep and leftover aftershave and the onions she’d fried to go with last night’s liver—one of Glenn’s favorites even though Darcy and Barrett made horrible faces when she put the dish on the table. An odd potpourri but somehow right and pleasant.

  “Cyn?” His hands caught her shoulders and pulled her from her nestling spot. “I have to warn you…The investigator wouldn’t guarantee he’ll find her or, if he does, that she’ll want to meet you. Some adoptees have no desire to reconnect with their birth parents—he told me so. So if you don’t want to risk it, I can cancel the investigation.”

  Cynthia’s chest ached with the effort of breathing. Desire to see her daughter, to apologize for leaving her the way she had, to assure herself the helpless baby had been well cared for all these years twisted her heart into knots.

  “You won’t hurt my feelings if you reject the gift.”

  She raised one eyebrow.

  “Honest.”

  She sighed and melted against him again. She pulled in his familiar scent, drawing comfort from it. “I do want to know, Glenn. I want to know she’s all right.”

  “I know you do.”

  “But I’m afraid.”

  “I know that, too.”

  Her cheek resting against his firm chest, she fingered the envelope. “If…if I say no, don’t look for her, do you get your money back?”

  “Some. Not all. He required a nonrefundable deposit to reserve his services.”

  Even though not a hint of worry entered his tone, she knew their finances well enough to realize this gift was a sacrifice. Glenn’s job as a high school science teacher paid more in satisfaction than in dollars, and her part-time library position, secured two months ago after years of being a stay-at-home mom, only brought in enough to cover the monthly payment on Darcy’s new braces. They couldn’t afford to throw away money.

  “You don’t have to tell me now.” Glenn kissed the top of her head and then crushed her close. “Think about it. Pray about it. But, Cyn?” He caught her chin and raised her face. “I really think there’s a part of you that will always feel incomplete until you know for sure where she is. I love you, and I want you to be totally whole. Not for me or for the kids but for you. Do you understand?”

  How could she have even considered being angry at him? A sob formed, and she sniffed hard to hold it back. “You’re so…so good to me. Thank you. I love you, Glenn.”

  He leaned in and delivered a sweet kiss. When he straightened, he stayed close, his forehead touching hers. “Does that mean yes, tell him to find her?”

  Cynthia closed her eyes and sucked in a shuddering breath. She hadn’t seen her baby girl in twenty years and twenty-two days. Her arms ached with emptiness and her heart twined with desire, but a deep-rooted fear rose up to strangle her. If the investigator found her daughter and she refused a meeting, Cynthia might never recover. She’d faced so many rejections in her life. Could she risk suffering yet another one?

  Arborville, Kansas

  Suzanne Zimmerman

  Such a hubbub sixteen people created. From her spot on the piano bench, Suzanne glanced around the crowded living room and battled the urge to put her fingers in her ears. The high-pitched squeals of her nieces, the excited jabber of her nephews, the blasting laughter of her brother and brothers-in-law, and the chatter of her daughter, sisters, sister-in-law, and mother combined to create a nearly overwhelming cacophony of confusion.

  In the past month since returning to Arborville, she’d adjusted to noisy Sunday dinners with her family again, and she’d even stopped missing the solitude of her apartment. But this influx of assorted voices competing to be heard and crinkling paper and little Isabella fussing about cutting teeth was too much after her years of living with only one other person. She raised her hands, prepared to block the sound, but her gaze fell on her daughter, who sat on the floor in the throng of children with piles of crumpled wrapping paper forming a sea of color around her.

  Tears pricked. Alexa’s face—her joyful, beaming, nearly-bursting-with-happiness face—squashed the desire to muffle the noise. She would view this Christmas morning through Alexa’s eyes instead of her own and celebrate the big-family chaos Alexa had been denied during her growing-up years.

  Alexa caught her mother’s eye. She winked, her brown eyes shining and her face wreathed in a smile of bliss, and Suzanne couldn’t resist releasing a laugh. Her world had been turned upside down in the past months, but she wouldn’t reverse all of it now even if she could. Because of Alexa.

  Not flesh of my flesh, but the joy of my heart…Thank You, Lord, for my precious daughter.

  Late that afternoon the girl who was the flesh of her flesh would arrive with her adoptive parents and sister for Christmas supper—the first extended family gathering in years at the Zimmerman farm. Suzanne couldn’t deny a fierce stab of apprehension. Sharing the table with the cousins who’d raised the baby she hadn’t been allowed to keep would surely be torture. But her mother was over-the-moon happy to resume the long-abandoned tradition, and Suzanne couldn’t bear to trample her mother’s enthusiasm. Especially considering their newfound reconciliation. She didn’t dare create conflict.

  “Everyone, everyone!” From her wheelchair beside the sofa, Mother raised both arms and waved her hands. “Quiet down, please! Hush now!”

  It took almost a full minute for the three sets of parents to bring their boisterous children under control, but finally—with the exception of si
x-month-old Isabella’s continued muffled grunts around her teething ring—silence descended.

  Mother sent a smile across the circle of faces. “Thank you. Before we head to the dining room to enjoy the brunch Alexa prepared for us, I have one more present to give, but it couldn’t be wrapped.”

  Suzanne’s oldest nephew, Jay, bounced on his bottom. “Is it for me?”

  His father leaned forward and placed a hand on the boy’s shoulder. “Didn’t Grandmother ask you to be quiet?” Jay shot Clete a sheepish look and hunkered back down.

  Mother chuckled. “No, not for you, Jay.”

  “Awww…”

  Clete flicked his son on the back of the head, and Jay scooted closer to his grandmother’s wheelchair, out of Clete’s reach.

  Mother put her hand on the boy’s short-cropped blond hair and continued as if there’d been no interruption. “One of the people in this room has faced major upheaval recently. And that person has maintained a cheerful outlook even though all the changes haven’t been easy, and I know she’s lonesome for her friends.”

  Suzanne’s sisters, brother, and in-laws all glanced in her direction. She squirmed. While giving her a special gift emphasized how much Mother’s initial resistance to Suzanne’s presence had melted, it put her in an awkward position with her siblings. Her sister Shelley still held a small amount of resentment about Suzanne’s return and the way the family and community had accepted her back into the fold. She hoped whatever Mother had selected wasn’t too extravagant, or the fragile peace she’d established with Shelley might be shattered.

  “So…” Mother sat up straight in her chair, a teasing glint entering her eyes. “Bring in the gift!”

  No one moved. Suzanne glanced around in confusion. Who was supposed to heed Mother’s instruction? Then she heard the squeak of the stair treads. Her family members from Mother all the way down to three-year-old Ian turned toward the doorway leading to the enclosed staircase. Puzzled, Suzanne looked, too, and she gasped in delight when a pair of impish faces peeked around the corner.

  “Tom! Linda!” Happiness exploded in her heart. How had Mother managed to bring her mentors and closest friends from Indiana without anyone spoiling the secret? She jumped up to greet the guests, but out of the corner of her eye, she saw Mother hold her arms toward her. So she went to her mother instead and leaned down for a hug.

  Mother’s chuckle vibrated against Suzanne’s shoulder. “Are you surprised?”

  Suzanne choked back a half laugh, half sob. “I’m beyond surprised—I’m shocked!” She straightened and turned to find Linda weaving her way between the children, her round brown face wearing a huge smile and her arms open wide.

  “C’mere, girl, and gimme a hug. Mercy, but I’ve missed you.”

  Suzanne stepped eagerly into Linda’s embrace. For years this woman had offered motherly advice, sisterly companionship, and countless prayers. Raising a child without a husband or extended family would have been unbearable had it not been for the loving support of Linda and Tom. As Linda rocked her side to side, tears flowed down Suzanne’s face.

  Tom’s throaty chuckle intruded. “Hey, now, I’m needing some of that, too, you know.”

  With a laugh Suzanne stretched out one arm and tugged Tom into the circle. His neatly trimmed goatee, as snow white as his hair, brushed Suzanne’s cheek with a familiar tickle. The hardest part of leaving Indiana had been saying good-bye to her dear friends. Receiving their hugs was the best gift she could have imagined.

  Still in the middle of their embrace, Suzanne said, “When did you get here? How could I not know?”

  They both laughed and Alexa stepped close. “They flew in to Wichita yesterday afternoon, and Uncle Derek picked them up from the airport. I sneaked them in while you were out in the cottage. Then they just stayed upstairs anytime you came to the house.” She giggled. “It’s been fun—like hide-and-seek without the seek part.”

  Behind her, Mother’s voice rang out. “All right, everybody, let’s get the dining room table ready and let Suzy and the Dennings catch up. Ruby and Pearl, you come, too—no need to sit there staring at your aunt’s friends.”

  Linda gave the pair of blond-haired look-alikes a little finger wave and wink that made the twins giggle. They dashed off, still gazing over their shoulders in wonder at Linda and Tom. Suzanne understood the little girls’ fascination. Shelley never took her children to the larger cities for shopping the way many of the other Old Order mothers did. Likely Ruby and Pearl had never seen anyone with chocolate-brown skin and eyes to match.

  “I’ll go, too.” Alexa inched backward. “I already got to visit with them by myself yesterday. Besides, I want to cut that quiche into oblong wedges instead of squares so it’ll look prettier on the plate, which means I need to beat Aunt Shelley to the oven.” She pulled the antique pocket doors closed behind her.

  The moment the doors clicked into place, Linda slung her arm around Suzanne’s waist and led her to the sofa. They plopped down side by side and shared another hug while Tom eased into the century-old rocking chair.

  Linda pulled back and cupped Suzanne’s cheeks between her warm palms. “Heavenly days, girl, it’s good to see you. I know you’ve only been gone since Thanksgiving, but after seeing you and talking to you every day for years on end…No sirree, things just haven’t felt right. When Alexa called and asked if we’d like to be your mama’s Christmas surprise to you, there was no way we could say no. Sure am glad the weather cooperated and didn’t keep us snowbound.” She sent a slow look around the room, murmuring low in her throat. “Mm-hm, this sure is different from your apartment in Indianapolis, isn’t it? But I like it. Homey. That’s how it feels—homey.”

  Suzanne smiled, remembering how cold and somber the room had seemed when she’d arrived to help care for her mother several months ago. Alexa’s creative touches—and the restoration of relationships—had worked wonders. “It feels that way to me, too.”

  “So you’re gonna stay?” Tom asked.

  Suzanne leaned back so she could talk to both of them at the same time. “Well, I’m still not completely sure. Alexa loves having me here, and it’s been good to really get to know my sisters and brother again as well as their spouses and children. It’s fun being Aunt Suzy. I’ve missed out on a lot.” The past years of separation loomed wide in her memory, stinging her with regret. She deliberately set the feeling aside. She was making up for lost time now. “But it’ll depend on whether or not I can find a job. I’ve put in applications at the closest hospitals—in Pratt, Kingman, and Wichita—but none have called to request an interview yet.”

  Linda patted her wrist. “Well, now, when the time is right, a door’ll open for you. You just hold tight to your faith and wait.”

  Suzanne gave her friend a grateful smile. “Thanks to Clete asking me to come help take care of Mother last spring, I had someplace to go when I lost my job. If this had happened a year ago, it would have been much more stressful.”

  “Mm-hm.” Linda nodded, her expression knowing. “God saw it comin’ and paved a way for you, didn’t He? Kind of nice to look back and see His fingerprints on all these changes.”

  Tom rocked, the squeak-squeak of the runners against the wood floor creating a discordant tune. “Alexa was telling us yesterday how quiet the bed-and-breakfast has been. How’s she managing to make any money if she doesn’t have guests?”

  Suzanne couldn’t hold back a short laugh. “You know Alexa and her love for cooking! She ships her homemade cookies and muffins all over the place, caters dinners whenever she gets the chance, and bakes fruit pies five days a week for the little café in Arborville.”

  Tom smiled indulgently. “Just like her to find a productive way to stay busy. She’s a good girl. Always has been.”

  “Hardly a girl anymore.” Linda pursed her full lips into a rueful scowl. “Can’t hardly believe she turned twenty already. Where does the time go?”

  Suzanne closed her eyes for a moment, remembering. Had twenty
years really slipped by since the day she stepped behind the garage at the home for unwed mothers and found the cold, hungry baby squirming in a box?

  Linda went on, her tone wistful. “I can still see her as a little bitty thing with lopsided piggytails and missing front teeth.” She laughed, and Suzanne automatically smiled. She loved Linda’s deep, rumbling chuckle. Linda shook her head. “Remember how she was always trying to climb up high in the apple tree in our backyard?”

  “And always falling out, brushing off the dust, and trying it again. Never saw such a determined child.” Tom stopped the rocker and reached out to take Suzanne’s hand. “Stick-to-itiveness—that’s what she’s got. It’s a trait that’ll suit her well in all of life. She inherited that from you, Suzanne, and that’s why I know you’ll land on your feet with all these changes.”

  A tiny sting of guilt twinged in Suzanne’s chest at Tom’s comment.

  The pocket doors slid open, and Alexa peeked through the gap. “Are you ready to eat? Grandmother says we need to hurry or we might be late to the Christmas service. It starts at ten o’clock.”

  Linda heaved herself upright and held her hand to Suzanne. “Been a long time since I had some of Alexa’s good cooking. I’m not gonna argue about setting up to the table right now.”

  Suzanne followed Linda and Tom to the dining room. Alexa had left three chairs in a row between Mother and Sandra. They filled the seats, putting Tom in the middle, and Mother asked him to deliver the blessing for the food.

  Without a moment’s hesitation he bowed his head. “Our loving heavenly Father, we gather here on Christmas Day to fellowship and to celebrate the most amazing gift the world has ever known—the birth of Your Son, Jesus Christ.”

  Her head low and eyes closed, Suzanne listened to her friend pray, and a knot formed in her throat. He was such a wonderful man. She couldn’t have chosen a better surrogate grandfather for Alexa. He’d assumed a fatherly role in Suzanne’s life and served as a wise counselor on more occasions than she could count. And for years she’d deceived him by allowing him—and Linda and everyone else at the church in Franklin—to believe Alexa was her biological child. She’d confessed to her family and to Alexa, but others still needed to hear the truth.