I always thought that my mom was the only thing that mattered to me and that I did the things I did just because of her. Now I am lost without her. Don’t get me wrong, I am feeling better than ever, but I’ve lost myself, this is not my life and this is not who I am supposed to be. That antisocial girl with no friends and stuff, that’s who I am supposed to be right now.
I don’t know if that was not who I was destined to be weeks ago and this is what life has for me; running away with some boy and leaving my old life behind, with my emotions and everything I thought was important at some point.
In a few hours we are leaving, we are going back to that life I hated but in the end it was my life, I am missing it at the moment. For the first time I miss myself. I’m being quite extremist lately, a few hours ago I didn’t miss myself and now I do. The thing is that I feel weird around Theo and his mother, Robert, his house, his things, everything seems weird to me.
Maybe I am weird and that’s why everything else seems weird. I am not talking about the funny weird, I am talking about the real one. The one that makes you feel different, unreal, lost. That is exactly what I am feeling right now; completely abandoned, and this has nothing to do with my relationship with Theo.
• • •
I spent the whole way back home in the passenger seat, looking at the window and nothing else. I asked Theo several minutes ago if we could put some sad playlist while driving because I felt kind of depressed and I wanted to string it along with a song.
“Change that mood, Cal,” he speaks tenderly. I know he realized how bad I am feeling at the moment but it is impossible to try to change it because it goes against me. I am not strong enough right now.
“Sorry, I just–“
“You know I hate it when you say sorry,” he interrupts me angrily.
“I can’t help it, Theo”
“Stop doing it, Calypso,” he kind of scare me and I am pretty sensitive right now so tears start streaming down my face and I immediately try to dry them.
“Why are you crying?” he says while accelerating, which makes me feel unprotected. I don’t know why he is acting this way; maybe my mood swings affected him. I don’t really deserve this.
“I am not,” I lie and take a deep breath while closing my eyes pretty hard, trying to calm down a little bit.
“You are, don’t lie to me,” now he is talking a lot more peacefully but I can’t stand it anymore, my patience levels are over.
“Okay, I am, Theodore. What’s wrong with it?” I scream and my voice breaks like it never did before.
Everything was perfect between us. Something suddenly hit me and made me feel this way and from that moment I feel scared. About everything. Something is wrong and I can sense it.
“Nothing, okay? Nothing is wrong with it. I don’t want you to cry, please, forgive me, Cal.” Theo grabs my left hand hard but softly at the same time. I entwine my fingers with his and sigh, making me feel a lot more comfortable with the horrible situation. This is the first official argument we ever had.
I remain silent because I don’t know what to say. I kind of never know what to say but this time nothing comes into my mind so I just stay still, although there are millions of things going on inside my head, I really don’t want to talk at the moment.
I keep staring at the window, while listening to Flume by Bon Iver, trying to relax and pull myself together for the fifth time in the day. I embrace myself –literally as if I were giving a hug to myself– until I feel better.
Minutes pass by and the only sound I hear is the engine and the music, pretty depressive, actually. I have the urge to fall asleep but I can’t because I need to stay up for Theo, I mean, I want to give him moral support while he is driving for about two hours straight but I literally can’t speak because my throat is dry as hell.
I have the bad quality of getting my throat closed or dried when something affect me, it’s like a side effect of being scared. If I am frightened it punishes me with a “hey you, girl, you can’t talk right now”, I have no clue why. So basically that’s what is happening to me right now and I want to die.
The silence is totally awkward right now and I think I am going to break it because I can’t stand everything that’s going on. My throat is okay now and I can talk, so I will say something that has been in my head for about days now.
“What about Stephen?” I say before coughing to clear my throat.
“What do you want to know about him?” he speaks hastily without even trying to seem interested about what I asked him.
“I want to know what the matter with him is,” I try to speak as cautious as possible.
I am obviously not talking about him as a boy with problems or issues or something like that. When I saw him I sensed that he was hiding something and that he was hurt.
I remember that when I did the research about Theodore’s siblings Stephen was the one that less called my attention because his name meant something about kings and crowns and I hate it when I don’t get an explicit answer because I can’t make my analysis and reach to a good conclusion.
“Nothing is wrong with him,” Theo says.
“I meant what’s the matter between the both of you,” I say carefully again, “I remember you told me something about a promise and stuff but you never gave me an explanation,” I add.
“The thing is, I don’t really want to talk about it.”
“I understand.”
Silence.
“He was having a bad time with John, his father, which is not mine’s,” suddenly he starts speaking, “By bad time I mean a really bad one, I could see it in his eyes. Stephen cried all night long, he couldn’t sleep at all, his grades went from A to D in a week straight. Alice didn’t know what to do and I was the only one who could make something to make him feel better.” Theo looks extremely concentrated while telling me this. I hear him with lots of interest but at the same time I sense the sadness in his voice.
“I didn’t know what was really going on with John,” he continues, “because he didn’t want to tell me, he couldn’t talk about it because he was so weak he wasn’t able to.”
I place my hand on the nape of his neck to give him some support because he is fighting against it, there’s something that is making him feel bad, I can feel it. His eyes are full of water and his voice is shaky.
“We made this promise,” he sighs, “to never leave each other, no matter what, and two weeks later I disappeared. I went to Boston without telling him and that was the worst decision I’ve ever made in my entire life.” Tears start streaming down his face and I can’t do anything but stare at them.
“I left my brother, alone,” he adds seconds later.
I understand why his brother is so mad at him and why Theo is so sad about it, at some point it was going to happen, I mean, he was old enough to study at some college and he needed to do it. Maybe Stephen is mad at him only because of the fact that Theo didn’t say a thing about going to Boston, not because he’d leave him. Perhaps he would have listened and everything would have been okay.
“Can I tell you something?” I ask.
“Sure,” he answers with a sad tone of voice.
“I think that he will forgive you if you talk to him.”
“I can’t.” He moves his face from side to side and adds, “I did something wrong and there’s no turning back.”
“There’s always a way out, love,” I smile at him but I am sure he can’t look at me because he is concentrated on the driving.
“You make me happy,” he smiles back. It seems that all the sadness has blown away and it makes me extremely special the fact that I am the one who makes him feel better.
“You too,” I say unconvincingly.
There’s something wrong about this, I’m sure.
CHAPTER TWENTY
After at least two hours inside my car we arrive to Boston. First, we have to go to campus. Theo has to get there and we are going to exchange places since he is the one who dro
ve all the way back here, so it’s time for me to drive a little bit and then go home.
“See ya,” he says while opening the car’s door. Excuse me? After all we went through you are just going to say see ya?
“Okay?” I try to speak but my voice shakes.
Who knows? Maybe is the last time we see each other and we just greet each other with a simple good-bye.
“Hey, come,” I add when he is about to close the door, thanks God the window is down because if not he wouldn’t have heard me.
He places his arms on the car’s door and tries to look inside. Theo stares at me kindly, as he always does, waiting for me to say something.
I stare back at him, observing every inch of his face and toned arms. I can’t believe how perfect he is and I know that every time I look at him I have the same thought, because he is.
“Can I go now?” he states smiling. I know that it breaks my heart that he didn’t give me a kiss before stepping out of the car but I can’t expect him being whatever I want him to be, he is a human being and I should not try to control what he has to do.
“Yes, you can, Theo,” I say turning my gaze to the horizon. I don’t feel like staring at him anymore.
He turns around and walks away, although it is with a smile on his face. I don’t understand why he was so cold with me.
I am about to start crying because I feel that nothing that I ever do in my life is enough. I hate myself for that but it’s just impossible to do better and I do try, to be honest. I try really hard to be the best Calypso Von Steemberg I can. It seems that it is never sufficient.
Something done by me is always going to be wrong, I don’t know why; it is just the way it is.
I know that I have spent whole days with the great love of my life and that I have had the best time of my existence but I can’t enjoy it because there’s no joy for me. I can’t help being selfish to me, but I don’t know how to change it.
I’ve tried with some shitty therapists and a lot of other people, however, it never worked. And I am absolutely tired, let me tell you. It’s hard to live in a world when you try to be happy but something doesn’t let you. The worst part is that this something is inside your head and it is only up to you.
It’s time for me to grow the hell up and start living normally, as a seventeen year-old teenager should. Instead, I am filling my head with problems I am not even going to solve.
Still, I know that in the end, the solution is inside of me and the only person that can help me is I.
Anyway, I have to get home to find my mom and tell her what is going on. I don’t really want to see her because I know that if I explain what happened these days she is going to get mad at me and scream and stuff, and I don’t want to hear her shouting at me like a total freak.
I take a deep breath and get out of the car to change places, I start the engine; I remember now how much I hate my car and how utterly sad my life is at this moment. It seems that when I am not around Theo, everything in my life falls apart.
While parking at home I realize there’s something going on inside my house, I wish it was a dream but sadly, it isn’t.
I get out of the car and look at it with curiosity. The streets are full of cops and so is my house –full of them. I don’t understand where is it I am standing, if this is unreal or if this is some kind of revenge for what I have done. I still believe I don’t deserve this punishment.
Did I do something illegal –I went to a pub, though– and they are looking for me? I wish it was, indeed.
“It’s okay,” I tell myself, trying to calm down. I can’t move because I am fucking trembling of fear.
“You’re okay,” I add.
I can’t do anything else but stare at the blue big house at the corner of the street, I stare at it as if it isn’t mine and it is, it has been mine for my whole life and now everything seems so rare and unknown that I don’t know who I am anymore.
My heart is beating as fast as my circulatory system can manage to. My head is a complete mess, I can’t even think about a coherent answer to everything I am seeing.
I decide to take a few steps and get closer to the house but some police won’t let me. I don’t understand a thing.
“Who are you? You can’t be here,” he says while showing me his police ID, I take a look at it as if I were interested but I am not, because the only thing I can think about is what the hell have I done. He seems serious and I don’t like him, he is also wearing gloves and I can’t stop staring at them, they have blood on it. I am about to pass out.
I can’t think straight. All that comes to my mind is the only person that lives in the house with me; mom.
“WHERE’S MY MOM?” I shout at the policeman, moving aside and entering the house, which is full of other policemen too.
“MOM?” I shout again, out of breath.
The man that was standing outside is now following me, he catches my arms hard leaving me defenseless. He is grabbing me in such way that I can’t move and it is making me feel even more scared.
“MOM,” now I am crying, my voice shakes and so does my whole body. The policeman lets me go, maybe because he realizes that I live here and that I am looking for my mom, that lives here too and she is not here.
The entrance and the living area are full of other policemen and some men in suits. When I get in they all look at me perplexed and start walking towards me.
“You’re in a crime scene, please step back,” a man in suit shows me his ID –again– and I can’t even look at it. Crime? What have they done to my mom?
I realize that the one that grabbed me outside makes a gesture for them to know that it is okay for me to step inside, because it is my house and I am allowed to enter.
I start running upstairs, looking for her. The other men start following me quickly and I still don’t understand why they are here, I just don’t complain about it.
I step into her room and she is not there, I am starting to collapse. I can’t breathe because of how much I am crying, I can’t even think correctly.
I start making a mess with her stuff as if I were looking for something in her room; I grab her clothes and throw them on her bed, on the floor, wherever I can. I don’t care; I need to find it. I don’t even know what it means.
After minutes of making her room a huge disaster, I start running in other direction, downstairs, to the kitchen, again to the living room and making a horrible mess in the whole house.
“Easy.” A policeman grabs me from behind and kind of embraces me.
“Easy,” he repeats.
“LET ME GO,” I scream moving from side to side or at least attempting to. His body is twice the size of mine so it’s kind of impossible to try to move.
“WHERE’S MY MOM?” I ask desperately.
I need to know where my mom is, I need to hug her, I need to look at her and tell her that I love her. I want to tell her that I am so sorry about what I have done and that I regret not telling her what I was doing and where I was going but that I am okay and happy, at least I was until I reached home.
I need to see her, right now.
I close my eyes as hard as I can and lots of tears start running down my face, I can’t dry them because of this policeman. I feel inside a cage and I can’t even speak.
I give up, I stop fighting against him, I just can’t do this anymore, I am not strong enough, I am not smart enough and I will never be.
“Listen,” he starts talking to me in my ear, “Your mom is gone.”
My whole world tears into pieces when I hear those four words. I can’t believe how selfish I was to let her alone. I can’t believe I am the reason why my mom isn’t here anymore. I can’t believe how I am still here and she is not.
“Where is she?” I ask him politely, still crying, though, “WHERE’S MY MOM?” I’m not polite anymore.
“In a better place,” he answers tenderly. I am feeling a little bit more relieved. I can’t tell that I am feeling better, but at least I am no
t feeling confused anymore.
“Do you understand that she loves you?” he starts speaking and pauses for a second, “We found this.” He lets me go and starts walking towards another policeman, who has a white little envelope in his hand that says “To Alex.” on it.
He finally hands it to me and I kind of reject it at first because I didn’t even want to know what the meaning of to Alex is. But now I want it, I need to read what’s inside.
“You shouldn’t read it, though,” he adds seconds later with a look of curiosity. He knows what the first thing I am going to do when I am alone is; see what’s inside.
I am speechless, I can’t control my emotions, I am not alive anymore. My mom is gone and I will never see her again, I won’t ever talk to her and never tell her Sarah anymore.
I don’t know how to feel, honestly. It’s like an abundance of emotions that cannot be controlled. I don’t know what happened, though. I am standing at my living room, full of policemen that are staring directly at me with a white envelope in my hand, speechless.
At first I thought that I didn’t deserve this, but now I do. Once, I thought that life had better plans for me but now, all I can think of is it has horrible plans for me and this is just the beginning of them. I am not being pessimist, I am being realistic.
I don’t know how to ask the policemen to go away; I don’t know a thing, to be honest. I’m a lost puppy; I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I’m trying to grow stronger but I can’t without my mom. I am alone; I don’t have anyone else of my family that I am really near to, except for my grandma. I barely have friends and the last time I saw Roth we had a row and that’s it, we’re over. He can’t trust me anymore and least consider me as a friend.
I turn around and don’t look at them anymore, I don’t want them to take a look at my face when I am reading it and yes, I will read it right now. I don’t want them staring at me while I cry, I don’t want them in my house anymore.
I take a few steps, open the envelope and without hesitation I start reading.
Till We Rise Page 13