by Shana Norris
I stared up at Zac, not knowing what to say. All this time, Elliott had not only kept my secret, but Zac’s too and took all the blame for what had happened.
“Elliott never told anyone the truth,” Zac went on. “But he also never saw me as a friend again after that night. I knew I had hurt him, but I didn’t realize how much until I found out the truth about you. Because now I know what it’s like to have someone you care about betray you.”
People watched us as they stood in the hallway, casting glances in our direction and pretending not to be listening. I wasn’t used to having people talk about me. I usually tried to stay invisible. Their stares bored into the side of my head, but I kept my focus on Zac.
“Zac, please understand,” I said, fighting back the sob that threatened to erupt from me. If I cried now, I knew I wouldn’t stop for a long time. “I never meant for any of this to happen, I didn’t mean to hurt you like this—”
“Yeah, well, you did a great job of not hurting me.” I had never heard him speak in such a low, harsh tone before. “These last few weeks I gave you the real, honest me. And this whole time you were playing some game for your own benefit. I don’t even know what about you is real or not anymore.”
He ran a hand through his hair, causing it to stick out at a messy angle. “You wanted out of the matchmaking business all along? Here you go. I’m freeing you of it. You can go back to not hurting everyone else in the world or whatever it is you do. Our partnership and everything else ends now.”
With that, he pushed the janitor’s trashcan out of the way and started down the hall.
“What about not walking away?” I called after him. We had a true audience now, with everyone not even trying to pretend they weren’t watching and listening. My voice cracked as I spoke, but I tried to hold it in, tried to hold it together and be perfect, strong Avery James.
Zac froze mid-step, his shoulders tense. He turned slightly so I could see his profile.
“Maybe you were right all along,” he said. “Maybe some things can’t be fixed.”
A sob choked me as I watched him disappear down the hall. Other people pushed past me to get to class, but I couldn’t move. If I took a step, I was certain I would crumble into nothingness.
I had expected Zac to be upset when he heard the truth, but I had held onto the tiniest bit of hope that things would be okay in the end. That maybe he would be so grateful to me for exposing Hannah he’d forgive me for what I’d done. Maybe he’d even think the entire thing was funny and a clever way to earn some extra money. But he was right. I had betrayed him and I didn’t think we could ever move past that.
A hand on my arm made me jump. I turned to see Molly standing next to me.
I leaned into Molly’s open arms. Tears ran down my cheeks, but I didn’t care who saw them. I couldn’t stop my shoulders from shaking as I cried into Molly’s shoulder and she squeezed me tighter.
She led me into the girls’ bathroom as the bell rang. I had never skipped class before because it would ruin my perfect student image. But right then, I didn’t have the courage to face anyone.
We sat on the floor next to the sinks for a long time, not speaking. It was good to be close to my best friend again.
“I’m sorry for not trusting Elliott,” I said at last.
“I know,” Molly said.
“I apologized to him too.”
“He told me. I can’t believe you spied on him. That’s something I would do.”
“Well, I learned from the best.” I managed a sheepish grin.
“And how is it possible Ian was able to get pictures without my noticing? If I was a real CIA operative, my cover would be blown now.” She paused, and then said, “I’m sorry for not telling you I was going out with Elliott.”
“Why didn’t you?”
Molly waved one arm. “I thought you’d tell me I was being stupid. You won’t accept that people can change and I didn’t want to deal with that when I was still trying to figure out how I felt about him. I needed some time to work things out on my own, you know?”
I nodded. “You should have told me to shut my fat mouth. If you want to be with Elliott, then be with him. It doesn’t matter what I think.”
She slapped her hands on her knees in frustration. “It does matter what you think because you’re my best friend. How can I date a guy that my best friend doesn’t like?”
The lump in my throat I was forcing down must have been my pride. I pulled at a loose thread on my backpack. “There’s something I should have told you long ago.”
Molly looked intrigued. “What’s that?”
“Elliott and Hannah and I used to be friends. Best friends. From preschool through seventh grade.”
Her eyes were wide with confusion. “Why didn’t you tell me about this before?”
“Because I didn’t want you to hate me.” I took a deep breath. “There’s more to the story. You know my mom left near the end of seventh grade. One day I woke up and she was gone. I was confused about a lot of things during that time and I tried pushing Elliott and Hannah away. It hurt too much to care about anyone because I knew they could leave at any moment.”
I closed my eyes, remembering that warm summer day in Elliott’s basement. “Hannah had developed a crush on Elliott and it seemed like maybe he had a crush on her too. I hated that they might have something that didn’t involve me, that maybe somehow I wasn’t good enough for Elliott to like me better instead. So I went down to Elliott’s basement where we always used to hang out together and turned off the light. I made him think I was Hannah. And then I kissed him—”
Molly sat up straight, her pink and blonde hair whipping all around her shoulders. “Hold up! You did not kiss Elliott.”
I nodded, cringing. “I believed maybe if he kissed me first, he’d like me better. But Hannah came down the stairs, turned on the light, and caught us. She got mad at me for trying to steal the guy she liked and Elliott got mad at me for tricking him.”
I could remember everything they’d said to me that day, but I didn’t want to say the words out loud.
“So you guys never made up after that?” Molly asked. “You were never friends again?”
“I never gave them the chance to patch things up,” I admitted. “I pushed them away and I told myself it was better not to have any friends. But then you came along and found a way inside the walls I’d built around myself.”
Molly grinned. “I am like a ferret in that way. I’ll weasel into any tiny hole I can find.”
We laughed, warmth spreading through me. A life without friends wasn’t better than this.
“So why didn’t Elliott ever tell me about any of this?” Molly asked.
“I used to think it was so he could have something to hold over me. Like, if I messed up, he’d run and tell you all about my big secret.” I shrugged. “But I think maybe I’ve been wrong about a lot of things concerning Elliott. Maybe he’s not the kind of guy who spreads secrets around.”
“And Hannah? Why did she keep the secret?”
I blinked up at the ceiling, tracing the cracks in the plaster with my eyes. “That I don’t know. Maybe it was her plan all along to get me mixed up into some crazy scheme of hers. Like she’s waited four years for the perfect opportunity to destroy me. Who knows? Hannah is barely more than a stranger to me these days. She’s not anything like what she used to be.”
I turned toward Molly, eager to change the subject. “So? How do you feel about Elliott?”
Molly blushed. My best friend, the self-proclaimed independent, forward thinking girl who never got flustered, actually looked a bit embarrassed at this question. “We have absolutely nothing in common, but I think that’s good for me. Opens me up to new experiences away from my computer.”
“That’s always good,” I said, trying to be the supportive best friend.
“I might...I don’t know, I might really, really like him. You know what I mean?”
I raised my eyebrows. “Do you
mean love him?”
She shrugged, smiling a little. “Maybe. Am I stupid?”
“No. Besides, you could never top me in the stupidity department.”
We fell quiet again and I listened to the sounds of water moving through the pipes in the walls.
“I wish the truth didn’t have to hurt so much.”
Molly looked at me, raising her eyebrows. “You like him, don’t you?”
“It was never part of the plan, but I can’t stop thinking about him. And when he kissed me—”
“Wait! Back up!” Molly twisted around to glare at me. “He kissed you and you didn’t think to mention it to your best friend in the whole universe?”
“Well, you were giving me the silent treatment,” I said.
“Which you deserved,” Molly said. “But I’m not anymore, so spill. Details now!”
Chapter 27
For a week, I was too busy to think much about Zac. I threw myself into studying for exams, barely noticing anything that went on around me. Molly and Elliott were an official couple now and the three of us often met at each other’s houses to study together. I pretended not to notice whenever they slipped in a kiss between textbooks and pretended even harder that it didn’t make me think of the feel of Zac’s lips on mine.
On the morning of the last day of school, I noticed the table of jars for class queen and king. I had been so wrapped up in everything else that the stupid popularity contest had completely slipped my mind. For the first time, I really looked all the gaudy, ridiculous “vote for me!” posters plastered all over the walls. The winners would be announced that afternoon during the end of year awards ceremony.
Twenty years from now, would any of us remember who won class king and queen?
Hannah would. If she won, it would be one of the things she held onto as her shining moment, even when we were all old and gray. Because she needed that validation. She needed to know that, yes, she was good enough.
Maybe Hannah and I weren’t so different even now.
I dug into my bag, searching for my change purse. I counted out half of my coins and then dropped them into the jar.
“I’ve already won,” said a voice behind me. “So it doesn’t matter if you vote against me.”
Hannah smiled smugly, looking as put together and pressed as always. Her hair shone like silk in the fluorescent lights overhead.
She stepped toward me, offering a small folded piece of paper.
“What’s that?” I asked, not taking it.
“The rest of the money I owe you. Three hundred dollars, a check written out to you.”
My heart fluttered in my chest and I almost couldn’t breathe. “He dumped you?”
She nodded. “Last night. It was tragic. There were tears.”
I still didn’t take the check she held out to me. I stared at it, unable to move.
“So what was that all about last week when you accused me of cheating on Zac?” Hannah raised her eyebrows, waiting for an explanation.
“My brother’s doing a photography project for his art class.” I didn’t know why I felt the need to explain. Hannah was the one sneaking around, she should have been the one explaining things. “He ended up taking a picture of you outside the Book Nook with some guy a couple weeks ago. Then again at the movies.”
And then, Hannah did something I hadn’t seen her do in a long time.
She laughed.
Now I was the one raising my eyebrows. “What is so funny?”
“You. You always expect the worst in people, don’t you? If a girl is in the presence of some guy who isn’t her boyfriend, then obviously she’s cheating. It’s so black and white in your world. No room for shades of gray.”
“Then you didn’t cheat on Zac?”
“Of course not. Why would I get rid of one boyfriend that takes up too much of my time to get another one? Not that it’s any of your business, but the guy you saw me with was my life coach. He keeps me from completely stressing out and ripping your head off.”
Hannah had a life coach?
“Is that like a therapist?” I asked.
Hannah’s glare made me snap my mouth shut. “He is not a therapist. A life coach advises me on steps I should take to eliminate the stress in my life. One of those being getting to know myself by being single for a while. Not dealing with anyone else’s expectations of me except my own. He’s helped me tremendously these last few months.” She smirked. “You might want to try it sometime.”
I tried to make sense of what Hannah had told me, but my mind was spinning. The chaotic swirl had started again and I couldn’t get things back under control.
“But if all you wanted was to be single, why do this whole break up thing?” I asked. “I’m sure if you had talked to Zac and explained how you felt, he would have understood and backed off. You could have broken up easily long ago. Why get me involved to hurt him?”
Her eyes hardened and she crossed her arms. “My intention wasn’t to hurt Zac.”
The silence hung between us. Farther down the hall, I could hear voices and footsteps, lockers slamming as other students arrived for the last day of the school year. The chaos in my head had finally grown quiet as I understood what Hannah wasn’t saying.
The entire plan wasn’t to hurt Zac. It was to hurt me.
“Hannah,” I said, taking a step toward her, trying to cross the chasm that had existed between us for four years, “I’m sorry about what happened that summer.”
Hannah stiffened. A muscle in her jaw twitched, but she only shrugged. “It doesn’t matter now. We’re even.”
So much had changed after that summer. Hannah’s family had changed, her entire life had changed, and I hadn’t been there like I once was. My mom’s leaving had affected so many more people than just me and I was only now realizing it.
“Do you remember that time we ate all the raw cookie dough your mom had in the refrigerator?” I asked suddenly.
A small smile twitched at her lips. “Five tubes of it,” she said. “My parents swore we’d die from E. coli.”
“I did spend the entire night sick with a bad stomach ache.” I smiled sadly. “If I could go back and change what happened that summer, I would.”
Hannah’s face clouded over again. “What’s done is done. And believe me, I don’t miss you.”
But her voice cracked halfway through the words, and it came out sounding more like a lie. She held the check out to me again.
“Do you want this or not?”
I looked at the check, but didn’t reach for it. “No, I don’t.”
Hannah blinked. “What?”
I pulled the first check out of my bag and ripped it into tiny, neat squares. “I’m out. I’m not doing this.”
“It’s already done. All you have to do is cash the checks and then you’ll be off to save the world like you always wanted.”
“The world can wait a year for me.” I opened her hand and dropped the ripped pieces into her palm.
Then I swung my backpack over my shoulder and smiled at her.
“Don’t let your mom convince you that you’re not good enough, okay?”
Her brown eyes turned glassy and she clenched her jaw tight, the muscles in her neck twitching.
I started to walk away as the morning bell rang to signal the start of the last day of school. Then I paused and looked back at her.
“By the way,” I said, “I didn’t vote against you.”
Chapter 28
“Can I help you?”
I jumped at the voice behind me and straightened up from my skulking posture over the hood of Zac’s dirty car. His dad stood in the driveway at the Greeleys’ house behind me, eying me with a suspicious stare.
Then his eyes registered recognition and he nodded at me. “You’re Zac’s friend, aren’t you?”
I nodded. “Yes. Avery James.”
“Right.” Mr. Greeley took a sip from the thermos in his hand. He held a stack of papers and folders in the crook of
his other arm. “Is there anything I can do for you?”
His gaze roamed to the car behind me and then the carnation clasped in my fist. The flower was leftover from the math club carnation sale. It was nothing remarkable, as far as flowers went. It was easy to see why this particular flower hadn’t been purchased during our fundraiser. It was small and oddly colored. The majority of the flower was white, but a small circle on one side was discolored with orange streaks on the tips of the blossom.
It was imperfect, and yet, perfect.
“No, I was leaving something for Zac,” I answered. My cheeks were on fire, but I tried to remain casual and confident under Mr. Greeley’s scrutinizing gaze.
His forehead creased in confusion. “Would you like me to tell Zac you’re here? He’s right inside.” He gestured toward the house.
My cheeks flamed even more. Mr. Greeley had to think I was crazy, sneaking around in his driveway to leave flowers on his son’s car.
“No, thank you. I can’t stay. I just wanted to leave this here for Zac to find...” I waved the pathetic flower toward the car.
Mr. Greeley studied me a moment longer, sipping from his thermos again. “Okay. If you’re sure. I’m headed out on some calls, so I have to go. Nice to see you again.”
He walked toward his car, which had “Greeley Lock & Key” written on the door. He set the thermos on top of the car while he fished around in his pocket for his keys.
“Mr. Greeley?”
He stopped and turned toward me again. “Yes?”
For a moment, I considered telling him the truth about what Zac wanted to do with his life. But that wasn’t my secret to tell. I couldn’t control Zac’s life any more than I could anyone else’s. If Zac never told his dad, I couldn’t do anything about it.
“Zac is a great guy,” I said, swallowing back my nervousness as he stared intently at me. “He’s funny and smart, much smarter than anyone gives him credit for. Listen to his ideas every now and then, and take him seriously sometimes. Let him be who he wants to be. Because the person he is, is pretty amazing.”