“Me too,” Helen replied seriously. “I see things a lot clearer now. Don’t get me wrong, I do miss my Hennessy all day long. I have to talk myself from going to Jewel Osco’s for a new bottle. But I pray and read and keep telling myself, ‘My baby loves me.”
Although Helen had never openly displayed weakness, Micah could tell she was crying along with him. “Mother, do you need anything?”
“Just some pictures, and don’t think I don’t know you’re the one who’s been sending money to the electric company, keeping my lights and gas on. That’s how I know you really do love me. I left you outside in the cold and in the dark night many times, but you see to it that I always have a warm place to lay my head.”
A peaceful silence rested between mother and son until Helen abruptly said, “I love you, baby, but I have to go. Audrey’s at the door.”
“I love you too, Mother.” Micah wasn’t sure she’d heard him. Helen was too busy praying.
Micah sat on the futon for a long time, just crying and thanking God for his mother’s breakthrough. No matter what happened later that evening, everything would work out for the good. He checked his watch, then gathered the pictures from his birthday party and headed to Walgreens to order copies.
Jessica screamed so loud Pamela removed the phone away from her ear. “What’s up, my almost-engaged sister?”
“I didn’t say he was going to propose tonight, I said I think he’s going to propose.” Pamela was putting the finishing touches on the dinner table. On the way back from the dry cleaners she picked up a floral arrangement and a bottle of nonalcoholic champagne.
“I’ve got my money on it and this German chocolate cake I’m baking.”
“If that happens, you’ll be the first person I call right after I run around the complex,” Pamela laughed.
“I’ll be sure to wear my dancing shoes to church tomorrow.”
The doorbell sounded. “He’s here, I have to go.” Pamela hung up the phone and practically ran to the door.
“Hi, beautiful,” Micah said after setting the bags on the counter and taking her into an embrace.
“Hey, handsome.” She returned his embrace, and then quickly stepped away. The brother was looking and smelling too good.
“I hope you’re hungry. I’ve got everything: salt & pepper shrimp, orange chicken, Mongolian beef and pot stickers, plus rice, chow mein, and vegetables.”
Listening to him rattle off the smorgasbord, Pamela surmised he was very nervous. “I’m starved,” she answered, helping Micah open the containers.
Micah shared the good news about his mother, and they made small talk and ate dinner with the sounds of Ben Tankard playing in the background on the CD player.
“I still can’t believe it; my mother is saved and has stopped drinking. I never thought I’d hear my mother say she’s a member of any church. Whenever my uncle mentioned God to her, she’d curse him out.” Micah continued rambling. “And today was the first time she ever mentioned the future. She wants to come out here.” Micah paused and smiled before adding, “She’s happy you’re cute because she doesn’t want ugly grandchildren.”
Pamela laughed with him, but didn’t comment. She didn’t want any ugly children either.
“Dance with me,” Micah said after he finished off the last shrimp.
As Micah swayed with her, Pamela fantasized about what it would be like to dance with him after they’re married. Her hands would roam his chiseled body uninhibited and his hands likewise over her body. She would be able to enjoy the touch of his full lips against her neck and not just the warmth of his breath. Keeping a safe distance would be of no concern.
If Micah wasn’t so worried about the rest of the evening, he would have reveled in the fact that Pamela didn’t protest about giving his mother cute grandchildren. If he weren’t so fearful that this might be his last time dancing with Pamela, he would have relaxed and enjoyed the dance. But he was very worried.
“Let’s talk,” he whispered in her ear when the CD ended. Pamela followed him over to the couch where they sat side by side.
“What do you want to talk about?” Pamela asked calmly, although her heart rate and breathing increased.
Micah gathered her right hand in his and looked deeply into her eyes. “Pamela, you have brought me more happiness these past six months than I’ve experienced my entire life. You’ve made my life so complete, it’s hard for me to remember my life before you, and I don’t want to think about the rest of my life without you.” Pamela’s eyes watered. “I love you, Pamela.” Micah leaned forward and kissed her lips, and she whispered the words back. “You are my soul mate and I want you to be my wife.” Her tears flowed freely now. “But first, there’s something I need to share with you about my past.”
“What is it?” she asked in a voice just above a whisper.
Micah released her hand, and then arose from the couch. Her eyes followed him to the window, and she tried to emotionally brace herself for what she didn’t know.
“I told you before about my childhood, how hard and lonely it was. What I didn’t tell you was how my environment affected me emotionally. Like I said before, I didn’t receive love and affection from my mother, and my father died when I was a small child. I spent my childhood searching for love and affirmation. That’s one reason I kept going back to Comisky Park. The kindness the guards showed me was the closest thing I had to love.”
Micah turned and faced her, and Pamela’s heart went out to him, but she didn’t move to join him. “After high school I enrolled into junior college. I had this bright idea that I was going to become a high-powered lawyer or doctor, anything that could one day take me away from my surroundings.” Micah paused and exhaled deeply before continuing. “In my psych class, I was befriended by my professor who kept talking to me about church and how much God loves me. He invited me to his church, and one Sunday I went. That’s when I learned he was the pastor of the church and not just a member. That was the first time I ever stepped into a church and it was my first introduction to God and religion. Over the years, my uncle had mentioned God to me in brief phone conversations, but I really couldn’t relate.”
A smile creased Micah’s face as he continued talking. “That day my life changed. For the first time, I knew I wasn’t alone in the world and that God had created me for a reason. It was like every word the pastor said was spoken directly to me. From that day, I spent as much time as I could with the pastor trying to learn as much as possible about God and the love He has for me.” His smile disappeared. “We hung out after class during the week and I told him about my life and he gave me advice. He was twenty years older than I, and he soon became a father figure to me, both naturally and spiritually.
“He made sure I had food and transportation and clothes. He even gave me money so I could work part time and attend school full time. At church, he assigned me as his personal assistant, so we were always together, and I accompanied him on trips. I ate dinner at his house with his wife and kids. I was so happy because here I was, this poor fatherless kid from the south side, who now had the love and respect of a powerful man of God. I craved approval, and I tried to do everything right, so I wouldn’t be alone again. I did everything to please him and to keep him in my life.”
Pamela didn’t understand. “Micah, I thought you said that’s when you became involved in destructive behavior.”
Micah breathed deeply; he couldn’t stop now. He had to get it all out. If he didn’t, he would have to let her go.
“It is,” he answered dryly. “I learned too late that nothing in life is free and not every man wearing the title ‘Man of God’ is sent by God.”
“Micah, I don’t understand.” Pamela reached out to him, and he knelt in front of her and took her hands into his. For some reason he felt the need to savor the feel of her. He closed his eyes and rubbed the back of her hands against his face, then slowly kissed them. He tried to commit her touch to memory. Finally, he opened his eyes and kissed
her lips for what he hoped wasn’t the final time.
Pamela didn’t know what he was about to say, but the sudden knot in her stomach was an indication it wasn’t something she wanted to hear, but needed to hear. “Micah, you don’t have to tell me this if it’s too hard for you to talk about,” she offered, more for her benefit than his.
“Yes, I do. You have to make an informed decision about the future of our relationship.”
Reluctantly, she nodded for him to continue.
“Pamela, you once asked me if I am a virgin. That depends on your definition of a virgin. If you mean have I had sex with a woman, no I haven’t.” Then he added after a pause, “But I have had sex.”
Pamela’s face twisted as her brain tried to decipher what Micah was trying to tell her.
“For six years, I was in a homosexual relationship with my psych professor, the pastor.”
The silence that followed Micah’s revelation was deadening. Micah waited for her to respond, but Pamela couldn’t; not yet. She had to wait for her heart to return to its proper place. It had sunk to a place so deep she could no longer feel it beating. In her mind, she tried to remember which commercial Micah had reenacted, but couldn’t think of one. As the word homosexual replayed over and over in her head, reality set in.
“You’re gay?” It was a whisper, but a charge nonetheless.
“Pamela, I am not gay. I—”
“Oh my God.” She wouldn’t let him finish. “You’re a fagot!” she yelled and yanked her hands away along with his heart. “I’ve been in a relationship with a freaking fagot! I can’t believe this. I have been planning to spend the rest of my life with a pervert! That’s why you’re so sensitive—you’re gay!” Pamela’s hands instinctively went to her face. “And you kissed me, you touched me!”
Micah hung his head as she ran into the bathroom and washed her hands and face. His heart sank so low, he thought it would stop beating any second and he’d have to be carried out in a body bag.
“What kind of pervert are you?” she yelled after she returned from the bathroom and found him sitting on the couch. She didn’t notice his wet face or the redness in his eyes.
“I’m not a pervert. There’s no need for you worry about catching anything from me. I’m not HIV positive. I have had more HIV tests than I care to count.” His voice had changed from strong and deep to weak and raspy, but she didn’t notice. If she did, she didn’t care.
“You are lowdown and nasty. How could you get involved with me, knowing you like men? How could you do that? How could you play with me like that?”
“Pamela, I don’t like men. I am not gay. That’s in my past. I’ve been delivered from that lifestyle,” he answered calmly, although inside he felt like he was on a roller-coaster ride. His head spun and his stomach turned upside down. He felt like regurgitating. “I’ve never played with you. My feelings for you and Matthew have always been and still are genuine.”
Fear gripped Pamela at the mention of her son’s name. “Oh my God, have you touched my son? Have you been using me to gain the chance to turn my son out? Is that why you coach, so you can have free access to little boys?”
That last charge was too much for Micah. The thought of inflicting any kind of harm on Matthew was unbearable to him. He’d known pain before, but the punches coming from this woman, the woman he loved, ripped him apart. He’d known his disclosure could have a negative response, but this was more than he could handle. He had to get out of there.
“Answer me!” she screamed. Micah quietly walked toward the door to leave, but Pamela jumped in front of him. “Answer me!”
Micah was a defeated man, but held himself together long enough to say what he needed to say, that mattered most to him. “Pamela, I have never touched Matthew or any other child inappropriately. I’m not attracted to men or little boys. I am not gay. I am not a freak or a fagot. I am not nasty. I am a man with a past, just like everyone else. I’ve made mistakes, like everyone else. I allowed my insecurity to keep me in a dangerous and ungodly relationship.” Micah didn’t mean to, but out of habit he reached for her hand.
She pulled away. “Don t touch me! Don’t ever touch me or my son again!”
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” he said sadly with his shoulders slumped.
“And I’m sorry I ever met you!” This time when he attempted to leave, she didn’t stop him.
On the long walk back to his SUV, Micah felt the same way he did the day he arrived in California: broken, bruised, wounded, and empty. He had no idea love and honesty could hurt so much. He knew the possibilities, but Micah felt he had to take the chance. He would never forget the look on the pastor’s wife’s face when she walked in on him and the pastor in his office. She didn’t have any idea her husband had been sleeping with men since he was a teenager. Micah refused to deceive Pamela. He couldn’t risk her accidentally finding out after they were married. If she couldn’t accept his past, it was best he knew now and not later.
Turns out Pamela couldn’t handle it. He’d heard the still small voice so clearly. Pamela was the one for him. But thanks to the freedom of choice, she chose to reject him and that hurt most. Pamela had chosen to deny them both a chance at real love.
Micah didn’t make it to Interstate 80 onramp before his emotions got the best of him and he had to pull over. It was more than Pamela s rejection, it was his entire life. How many more people would reject him because of his past? Would he ever be able to share his life with someone without hiding his past? Would anyone ever love him for the person he is now? Would he ever be able to open up to someone other than his uncle and AC? As a child he’d been rejected because of where he came from, and now as an adult the same thing was happening. “Will I ever be good enough?” he moaned.
His shoulders heaved as he cried like he’d done after all of his sexual experiences. His insecurities threatened to overtake him and lead him once again into a deep depression, one he was all too familiar with. It was the same depression that nearly made him take his life two years ago.
Micah raised his head, and through blurred vision, beheld the Bay. Slow, thick waves rolled in and crashed the rocks. The longer he looked out over the water, the calmer he felt. With each soft wave he could feel God’s love showering him. He heard the still small voice.
Be confident, I have begun a good work in you, and I will finish what I have started.
His spirit was too broken and his heart too wounded to receive the comforting words. Micah leaned his head on the steering wheel and wept violently.
Chapter 11
Pamela couldn’t stop crying. After she soaked the bed pillows, warm pellets from the showerhead mixed with the salty drops from her eyes flowed down the drain. On the drive to church, thick droplets blurred her vision, and now seated in the church’s parking lot, the sobbing continued. She’d considered not attending church service, but refused to give Micah the satisfaction of knowing just how much he’d hurt her. Besides, she needed something to help get her through the embarrassment of having to admit she’d been stupid enough to get involved with him in the first place. The rage from the previous night had dissipated only to be replaced by the hurt that came along with realizing she was in love with a homosexual.
She repeatedly asked herself how she could have let this happen. Last night, Micah was supposed to propose to her, not destroy the life she’d envisioned for them. And he did it so calmly. He was so good, the way he deceived her by convincing her that he really loved her. Pamela felt used and dirty. Micah purposely set out to make her look like a fool. Why else did he look at houses and talk about a future together when all along he knew he preferred men. Micah practically told her parents he was going to marry her. Not one time did he say, “Sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Jacobs, but your daughter has the wrong anatomy for me.” Matthew often addressed him as Dad, and Micah never once corrected him.
Pamela had her own skeletons in her closet pressing against the door, but nothing nearly as bad as homosexuality. That w
as the ultimate sin. In her book, it was the great big sin. She didn’t care how many times Micah claimed he’d been delivered. It didn’t matter, he was still gay. If he slept with a man once, he’d do it again, especially after a six-year affair. Obviously, he enjoyed it.
A tap on the front passenger window distracted her. It was Jessica. She wiped her face with the back of her hand, and then pressed the automatic door control button. Jessica quickly slid into the car.
“Girl, why didn’t you answer my phone calls last night and this morning? What happened last night?” When Pamela didn’t match her excitement, Jessica’s grin evaporated.
“I couldn’t talk,” Pamela answered faintly.
“Oh, Pam, please tell me that you and Micah didn’t spend the night together.”
Jessica had said the wrong thing. Pamela broke down again. “Oh, Pam, no!”
“We didn’t spend the night together,” Pamela sniffled. “We’ll never spend a night together.”
“What happened? You guys didn’t break up, did you?” Jessica couldn’t imagine that.
“Turns out, I’m not his type.”
“Pam, what are you talking about? That man worships you.”
Pamela shook her head. “No, he doesn’t. I don’t have the right equipment for him.”
“You’re losing me.”
Pamela turned her head. She didn’t want to see Jessica’s facial expression when she disclosed she’d been stupid enough to get caught up with a homosexual. “Micah is gay,” she said plainly.
When Jessica didn’t respond, Pamela turned to face her. Jessica’s hands were covering her mouth.
“I don’t believe it. Micah is gay?” Jessica said without lowering her hands.
“It’s true. He told me so last night.” The mention of last night brought on a fresh batch of tears.
“You must have misunderstood him.” Jessica refused to believe the Micah she knew was gay.
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