by Ward, Alice
“Will do,” she said quickly. She left the room and I heard her key turn in the cylinder. I smiled to myself.
Since the first week of freshman year, Lauren and I locked each other in our room if we left while the other was sleeping. Lauren started it after I had an irrational anxiety attack over waking up in our unlocked dorm. I can still remember the morning as if it were yesterday.
It was a Wednesday and I’d just gotten up for my ten o’clock class. Lauren had an eight o’clock class and had been gone for hours. I was leaving the room to take a shower when I realized the door was unlocked. Panic had filled me and every episode of Dateline I’d ever seen filled my mind. I’d was convinced that I’d narrowly escaped being murdered by an unbalanced classmates or a psychotic killer. I had called Lauren in the middle of my breakdown, and she rushed back to the room to help me calm down. Once the panic attack passed, I was embarrassed by my outburst, but Lauren acted like it was no big deal.
Two days passed without either of us mentioning it. The irrational fears didn’t enter my mind again until Friday morning, when Lauren got up to leave for her early class. I lay in bed and pretended to sleep while she threw on clothes and slung her backpack over her shoulder. When she left the room, I slipped out of bed to lock the door. The second before my hand touched the doorknob, I heard her key turn in the cylinder.
Lauren had had my back since the day we met, which was why I knew I should follow her advice about Jackson. I knew she was right, that getting involved with my new stepbrother would only bring disaster. But I couldn’t forget the look in Jackson’s eyes when I told him that I was meeting another man. I’d never seen such intense jealousy and I was surprised by how much it turned me on.
I rolled over and glanced at the clock. Almost twenty minutes had passed since Lauren left.
She’s going to be gone all day and she’s obviously keeping something from me. Besides, she doesn’t need to know every move I make. Jackson was obviously upset about what happened last night and a good sister is there for her brother when he’s upset. Hmmm… I’m supposed to start treating him like my brother. I should go to the Sigma House and check on him… strictly as a concerned sister.
Once I’d rationalized what I wanted to do, I climbed out of bed and got dressed for the day.
***
“Kennedy… I thought you had a date,” Jackson said when he opened the door to the Sigma house.
“I rescheduled,” I lied. “I’m appalled by the way you spoke to my mother last night. You offered to explain yourself, so here I am. Can I come in?”
He opened the door all the way and moved to let me pass. I stepped into the house and turned to face him. Jackson looked weary and depressed, exactly how I felt.
“Thank you for coming over. I just made a pot of coffee, do you want some?”
I nodded and followed him in to the kitchen. “Is there somewhere we can talk without being interrupted?” The last thing I wanted was for one of Jackson’s fraternity brothers to overhear the conversation.
“I’m the only one here. Most of the brothers went home for summer break. Preston is at a study session with his girlfriend and Rory’s off doing God knows what. We’ll have the house to ourselves for the next few hours.”
Jackson poured us each a cup of coffee. He slid my mug across the laminate countertop and pulled a bag of sugar from the cabinet. “I’d offer you milk, but we don’t have any. I hope that’s alright.”
“Black is fine with me, as long as it’s caffeinated,” I told him and warmed my hands around the mug.
An awkward silence filled the room. We had so much to talk about and neither of us knew where to start. Jackson seemed lost in his own head, so I was the first to speak.
“Can we sit down somewhere?” I asked him.
“Anywhere you want. It’s nice outside; we could sit on the swing,” he suggested.
I shook my head, not wanting to be spotted by any of our gossiping classmates. “Let’s just go to the couch.” I took my mug and set off for the living room. Jackson followed close behind me.
“I’m sorry I woke you up this morning,” Jackson said again as we settled on to the couch. “To be honest, I didn’t realize what time it was. All I was thinking about was how much I needed to talk to you.”
“About what happened last night?”
He sighed. “About everything… last night, our parents… you and me.”
I narrowed my eyes, remember my shock and anger from how he’d treated my mom. “Let’s start with last night.”
He nodded, took another sip of his coffee, and cleared his throat. “You have to understand that this is difficult for me to talk about. My mother, she was everything to me. Dad has always been restless and when I was growing up, he was hardly ever home. He was hardly ever in town, for that matter. There was always a business meeting or a charity event that was more important to him than we were. Granddad lived with us and he tried to be like a dad to me, but it just wasn’t the same, you know?”
His eyes were full of sadness and I could tell that talking about his mother was difficult. But I still wasn’t sure why.
“Actually, I don’t know,” I confessed with a shrug. “I mean I understand what it’s like to only have your mom, but I have no idea about dads. I don’t have one, absent or otherwise, remember?”
“That’s right, Gloria used a donor to get pregnant with you. Dad told me all about it. You could have said something, I wouldn’t have judged.”
“I know. I’ve just never thought it was a big deal, so I don’t really talk about it. But we’re not talking about me right now, we’re talking about you. What happened to your mom, Jackson?” I asked in a soft voice. I rested my hand on his forearm and waited patiently for him to reply.
“She got tired of being an afterthought,” he told me as tears filled his eyes. “She filed for divorce. You’d think that would have gotten Dad’s attention, but he didn’t even call home after he was served the papers in New York. Mom sat me down and explained that she was going on a short trip and when she got back, we’d be moving in to a new house. I didn’t really understand what was happening. I begged her not to leave, but she said that she had to. Three days later, Granddad picked me up early from school and told me that Mom had been in an accident, and that she wasn’t coming home.”
Tears rolled down Jackson’s cheeks, but otherwise, he remained composed. I thought about my own mother and couldn’t imagine what it would be like to lose her. My heart broke for Jackson and all of my anger towards him disappeared. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and make his pain go away, but I knew I couldn’t.
“Jackson, I had no idea. I’m so sorry.” I slid my hand down his arm and took his hand in mine. He squeezed it for a moment and then loosened his grip.
“It’s okay…. I mean, it’s not, but it is what it is. When I was older, I found out that she’d gone on a diving vacation with a few of her friends. She knew Dad would put up a fight over custody to protect the family’s image and she wanted to rest and clear her head before the drawn out court battle. The group she was with rented a small charter boat and went out on the water without checking the weather report. A storm blew in and the boat capsized. A rescue team found most of the wreckage, but they never recovered any of the bodies.”
As I listened to his story, all thoughts of our parents and their engagement left my head. In my heart, Jackson wasn’t my brother. He was the man I was falling desperately in love with, and he was in pain. I slid closer to him on the couch and wrapped my arms around his neck. He buried his head in my chest and let his tears flow freely.
“I can’t imagine what that must have been like for you,” I told him. “I can’t believe that I didn’t know this already. How old were you when it happened?”
He pulled his face away from my chest and pulled me into his lap. I stretched my legs out on the couch and let him hold me while he told the rest of his story.
“I was six. Old enough to understand what had happ
ened, but too young to really process it. There was no body to bury, which just made things harder to deal with. A part of me believed that she wasn’t really gone, that she’d walk through the door any minute and we’d move to our new house, just like she’d said. I was a teenager before I finally accepted that she wasn’t coming home.”
“That’s completely understandable. But I still can’t believe I’ve never heard about this. I think I’ve read every profile that’s ever been written about your dad. The earlier ones mention your mom, but none of them talked about what happened to her.”
“That was Granddad’s doing,” Jackson explained. “You can hide anything if you have enough money. He was afraid that if the story of the accident got out, people would start pointing fingers at my dad. He thought that once people found out that she’d filed for divorce, they’d assume that Dad staged the accident to avoid a costly settlement. There was nothing suspicious about the accident, but you know how people talk. Mom wasn’t much of a social butterfly. Most of Dad’s friends and business contacts had never met her, so they didn’t notice when she disappeared. Dad put me in a different school to avoid questions, and everyone went on with their lives.”
I was horrified that Jackson’s family had hid his mother’s death. “But didn’t she have parents? And friends?”
Jackson sighed. “Like I said, you can hide anything for the right price. Shortly after the accident, my other grandparents moved to a chalet in Aspen. They were school teachers, so there’s no way they paid for the place themselves. I still get cards from them on my birthday and Christmas, but we aren’t close. After Mom died, it was just me and Granddad most of the time.”
I laid my head on Jackson’s shoulder and he tightened his embrace. I couldn’t believe that Jack hadn’t settled down to raise his son after the death of his mother. I lost respect for him as I pictured a tiny, scared Jackson alone with such a formidable man.
“Your mom decorated the house. That’s why you got so upset when my mom talked about changing it.”
“Yes,” he agreed and began stroking his hand through my hair. “I know that my outburst last night was childish, but keeping the house the way she left it was the one thing my father did for me after she died. Her closets were cleaned out in a matter of weeks. All her things were given away. The wall paper and ugly white carpet are all I have left to remind me of her.”
“This also explains why you seemed so resentful of my mom. Why you gave her those backhanded compliments about being a good enough woman to get Jack to stay around.” I leaned away from him and looked into his eyes. I’d never seen anyone look so defeated.
“That wasn’t fair of me and I’ve already apologized to your mom. But yes, it’s been hard for me to accept the way he treats Gloria. I can’t understand how it’s so easy for him to give so much to her. And I can’t stop thinking about how different my life would have been if he’d been able to give that much to my mother.”
“Have you ever talked to him about all of this?” I asked. “I’m sure he’d understand. I know that Mom would. If she knew how much the house means to you the way it is, she’d never think about changing it.”
“I don’t want to talk about it with anyone. No one but you, that is. It feels so good to share all of this with you, Kennedy… so good to hold you in my arms.” He nuzzled his face into my neck and let his lips hover just above the soft skin behind my ear. His warm breath sent shivers through my body and I leaned in to his mouth.
He kissed me, softly at first, then more passionately as he moved from my neck to my collarbone. All thoughts left my mind and I let my instincts take control. I pulled my legs up and turned my body until I was straddling Jackson’s lap. He pulled my grey tank top over my head and buried his face between my breasts. What we were doing felt right and I didn’t want to stop. I put my hands on either side of Jackson’s head and pulled him up to face me. We stared wordlessly into each other’s eyes as our mouths moved together. Our tongues danced in a playful rhythm and I felt Jackson’s cock swell against my thigh. All I could think about was having him inside me.
“I want you, Jackson. Please, I want you now,” I begged.
Jackson wrapped his arms around me and gently laid me on the couch. He kissed me again and then licked a trail over my exposed belly down to the waistband of my jeans. I closed my eyes and savored the sensations of his soft lips and tongue sliding over my bare skin. I ached for him to yank down my pants and continue blazing his trail, but he pulled away.
“Jackson, please,” I moaned.
“Patience, Kennedy,” he replied.
I opened my eyes and realized that he was moving towards my feet. He delicately removed my sandals before returning to my waistband. His skillful fingers undid the button with one quick movement and in no time, I was laying before him in nothing but my pink bra and white panties.
Jackson climbed on top of me, careful to support his weight with his arms. He teased my neck with soft kisses again as he massaged my aching pussy through my soft cotton underwear.
“You’re so beautiful, Kennedy. I’ve missed you so much. I don’t care what anyone thinks, I never want to be without you again.”
His words brought the reality of our situation crashing down around me. I panicked and sat upright, pushing him away.
Jackson’s body tensed as I fumbled for my clothes on the floor. “What’s wrong?”
So much was wrong that I didn’t know where to begin. I’d spent the better part of the last month trying to get over my feelings for Jackson. I convinced myself that I could be there for him as a friend, as a sister. But with one touch of his lips, my resolve had crumbled. There we were, on the same couch I’d found him on with Meredith, about to enjoy much more than brother sister bonding.
“You know what’s wrong,” I told him as I pulled my shirt back on. “You know we can’t do this. I’m sorry I let it go so far.”
“Kennedy, this isn’t fair!” Jackson argued. He stood up abruptly and started pacing the floor. I knew that he was frustrated. I was frustrated, but I knew that I was doing the right thing.
“I know it’s not fair,” I agreed. “But there’s nothing we can do about it. Our parents are getting married Jackson. Think about your ex-girlfriends. Would you want to be stuck with any of them for the rest of your life? Because if we keep doing this and things fall apart, that’s exactly what will happen. You’ll hate me, but you’ll have to pretend not to over Sunday dinners and family vacations.”
“I could never hate you, Kennedy.”
“You say that now, but think about it. What if I break your heart? What if you break mine? What happens after that? Can you imagine what it would be like for us to bring new people home to meet the family? Do you really want to explain to the woman you end up marrying that you used to screw your stepsister?”
I walked back to the couch and sat down in front of me on the coffee table. “You can’t know that any of that will happen unless you give us a chance,” he said. “And I for one don’t think that it will play out like that.”
Jackson started fidgeting with his gym shorts and his usual confidence disappeared. He seemed hesitant and nervous, and I found it incredibly unsettling. I opened my mouth to speak, but he held up a hand to silence me.
“Let me get this out, Kennedy. Please.”
I relaxed against the back of the couch and waited as he searched for words. A few moments of silence passed before he took a deep breath and spoke again.
“This isn’t easy for me… I’m not sure why, I’ve never felt so tongue tied with anyone before. But I’ve never felt this way about anyone before either. I’m falling in love with you, Kennedy. And I’m sure that if you gave us a chance, you’d feel the same way. All these worries you have, all the reasons you’ve listed for why we can’t be together, they’re all based on the assumption that we won’t last. But what if we did? What if we’re meant to be together, crazy family situation and all?”
I didn’t know how to reply. My
eyes darted back and forth across the room and I crossed and uncrossed my legs as I tried to come up with an answer.
“Have you honestly never thought about that?” he asked softly. He put one hand on the side of my face and turned my head until I was forced to look at him.
“I’ve thought about it before,” I conceded. “After our first date, I felt certain that I’d found my soul mate. I let myself believe that we’d be happy forever and that our lives would be one big fantasy.” I shiver at the memory and wrap my arms across my chest. “But then I found you here with Meredith, and everything else happened.”
“Kennedy, I’ve explained what you saw between Meredith and me,” he reminded me.
“I know, and I believe you. It’s the ‘everything else’ that’s giving me problems. Life isn’t a fantasy, Jackson. Life is hard and unfair, and we’re just going to have to accept that.” I stood up, pulled on my jeans, and slipped my feet into my sandals without fastening the ankle straps.
“What if I can’t accept it?”
I grabbed my purse from the coffee table and turned back to face him. “You have to. We don’t have a choice.”
I stepped in front of Jackson on my way for the door. He wrapped his arms around the top of my legs and rested his head against my stomach.
“I can’t live without you, Kennedy.”
I leaned down and kissed the top of his head. He smelled like musk and aftershave. Pulling away from him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
“You don’t have to live without me,” I told him. “But we can’t be together, not the way you want.”
I pulled away and he released me without putting up a fight. I knew that if I looked into his eyes, we’d end up back on the couch, so I left the Sigma house without a backward glance.
CHAPTER 5
“Kennedy, darling. I’m so happy that you could make it.” Mom rose from her table as I crossed the dining room of La Fiesta.
“Thanks for calling, Mom. Mexican sounds fantastic. Jack, it’s nice to see you again.”