by James Lear
I wanted to cry. Everything was over. That final squeeze of the hand—and then let go. You’re on your own, mate. You’ve betrayed everyone in this room—but look, they don’t need you. They’ve got each other. They gave up on you a long time ago.
We threw confetti and drank champagne and chatted on the terrace while the happy couple posed for pictures. A smile froze on my face until my jaw ached.
‘Thanks for looking after me in there.’ said Paul, Nicky’s boyfriend, tie loosened, a glass in his hand. ‘I don’t really know anyone.’ Nicky was off somewhere being photographed with the bride and groom.
‘That’s OK. It’s good to meet you at last. How long have you and Nicky been together?’
‘Just over a year.’
‘And you’re at university with her?’
‘Yeah. I’m in my third year, studying marketing.’
‘OK.’ What do you say to that?
‘Nicky tells me you’re in software.’
‘Kind of.’
‘I’d like to talk to you about that some time. It’s the side of marketing that I’m really interested in.’ His big, wide brown eyes and eager expression made up for the dullness of his conversation. ‘I mean, it’s the future, right?’
‘I suppose so. I’ve been doing it for nearly twenty years.’
‘Right.’ He sipped his drink, scratched his chin, pulled his tie down further. Plumes of hair billowed out from within. Hairy little fucker, I thought, before I checked myself. Daughter’s boyfriend. Potential son-in-law. Incest. And you promised Adrian.
‘What else are you interested in?’ I asked, trying to make small talk.
‘Martial arts. I do kick-boxing.’
‘Oh right. I’d better behave myself then.’ Well, that one just slipped out.
Paul smiled. He had a very attractive smile, very white teeth. ‘You look as if you can take care of yourself. Nicky tells me that you’re very fit.’
‘I do my best.’
‘You look in great shape, man. I hope I’m half as fit when I’m in my forties.’ He sipped again and glanced around.
Was he flirting with me?
Of course not. This is party bullshit. It means nothing.
‘What do you do? I mean for training.’
‘Weights, circuits, bit of cardio stuff.’
‘Great, great. We should get a workout together. There’s a gym here, right?’
‘Yeah, but . . . ’
‘I really fancy a bit of exercise.’ He adopted a martial arts stance, hands up to his face, and spilled champagne on his lapel.
‘Easy, tiger.’ I gave him a tissue. ‘Let’s not peak too early.’
‘Sorry. I’m not really pissed. I’m just nervous.’ He was bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet. ‘This is the first time I’ve met Nicky’s family.’
‘I know what it’s like. You want to make a good impression. Don’t worry. Just be yourself.’ You’re fucking adorable, you little puppy. Come up to my room and let me fuck your hairy little arse. ‘I remember the first time I met Jennifer. Nicky’s grandma. I was fucking terrified.’
‘Really? I find that hard to believe. You seem so confident.’
‘Don’t let appearances fool you. I’m as much of a nervous wreck as the next man.’
‘You hide it well.’ He was staring at me with those big wet brown eyes again, as if I held the key to all wisdom.
‘We all hide things, Paul.’ Like I’m going to hide my dick in your mouth. ‘Some of us better than others.’
‘Yeah, right, yeah.’ The conversation was making him unaccountably nervous. His glass was empty. ‘It’s really good to meet you, anyway, Mr. Heath.’
‘Please. Joe.’
‘Yeah, yeah, cool.’ He shook my hand too eagerly. ‘I’d better go and, you know, find Nicky.’
‘Rescue her from all those ushers,’ I said. ‘She’s the best-looking girl here.’
But he was out of earshot before I’d delivered this pearl. Strange boy. Deeply fuckable, but a nervous nutcase. Before I had time to mull it over, I felt a hand on my elbow and heard a voice in my ear.
‘Hello again.’
Stuart of course, looking perfectly at ease, more a part of the family than I was. ‘Hey.’
‘He seems like a nice guy. Your prospective son-in-law.’
‘I don’t know if it’s that serious.’
‘Really? I got the impression it was. But of course, you know your daughter better than I do.’
Sarcastic bastard, trying to wind me up. Or was he? Perhaps he took things at face value and believed that the Heaths were just what they appeared to be, a close-knit, loving family, Mum, Dad, and two loving children. ‘I’m the last to know anything in my family.’
‘Everything OK, Joe?’
‘Of course it’s OK.’ Shit, that sounded defensive. Another fake laugh didn’t help. ‘Why wouldn’t it be?’
Stuart smiled. ‘You tell me. A lot’s happened since we last saw each other.’
‘That’s true. I’m sorry, the time just seemed to get away from me.’
‘It’s OK, Joe. You don’t have to explain. I understand. We all went in different directions, didn’t we?’
‘Not you and Jackie, apparently.’
‘That’s true, we’re still . . . .’ He stopped in mid-sentence, made a noise in the back of his throat, and then said, ‘Wait a minute. You don’t think Jackie and I are . . . oh God, you do. Wow, that really is . . . oh shit.’ He rubbed the top of his bald head. ‘That is priceless. Good old Joe, jumping to the wrong conclusion.’
‘I don’t see what’s so bloody funny.’
‘No, I don’t suppose you do. Look, this isn’t the time or place. Let’s have a proper catch-up later on this evening when Holly and Toby have left. Think you can give me half an hour?’
‘Of course I can.’
‘There’s no of course about it, is there? It’s more than you’ve given me in the last twenty years.’
‘Point taken.’
‘Sorry. I don’t mean to be a bitch. But there’s a lot to tell, and once I get started. . . . Oh, look, here she is. The most beautiful bride of this or any other year.’ Holly ran up to us, cheeks flushed, and grabbed Stuart by the hand.
‘Come on, godfather! I want you in this one.’
She dragged him off to join a group shot. She didn’t ask Uncle Joe.
The champagne and sunshine were starting to affect me, and so, feeling emotional and somewhat sidelined, I found a quiet corner of the garden and phoned Adrian. I was expecting to leave a message on voicemail, something like ‘I’m being a good boy, and I’m counting the days until I see you,’ but to my surprise, he picked up on the first ring.
‘Joe!’
‘Hi Adrian. Just wanted to hear your voice.’
‘It’s great to hear from you. I wasn’t sure if you were pissed off with me.’ There was a nervous laugh in his voice.
‘Of course I’m not. I just rang to say that I’m at the wedding, and I’m behaving myself.’
‘You haven’t seduced the best man then?’
‘No.’ I thought of Paul, his big, imploring eyes, his hairy chest. ‘And in case you were wondering, I haven’t stood up and made a big speech to everyone about how I’m leaving my wife for another man. At least, not yet. Couple more drinks and maybe I will.’
‘And are you?’
‘What?’
‘Leaving your wife for another man.’
‘I certainly intend to.’
‘Anyone I know?’
‘Just some bloke I picked up at the gym.’ There was no one around, but I still lowered my voice. ‘He gave me a massage and made me as stiff as a pole.’
‘He sounds like trouble.’
‘Oh, believe me, he is. Big trouble.’ My cock was getting hard, and I stuck my hand in my pocket to adjust it. ‘I wish you were here, Adrian.’
‘Me too.’ I could tell he was horny from the way he was breathing. ‘So are you obeying th
e rules?’
‘Yes.’
‘Really?’
He didn’t need to know that I hadn’t yet been tested or had any kind of conversation with Angie. Those things would happen. At least I hadn’t fucked anyone. ‘Yes, really.’
‘Good. I need to know you’re sticking to your side of the bargain, so that I have the strength to stick to mine.’
‘Meaning what?’
‘Meaning that I don’t get a cab to your house in the middle of the night and break into your bedroom.’
‘I’ll book the cab for you if you like.’
We both laughed, and then there was silence. Just breathing. Both of us hard, wanting each other. Who would speak first?
Me, apparently. ‘I love you, Adrian.’
Silence again, then ‘Yeah.’
‘OK, I get it. I need to earn the right to say that.’
‘Correct. Now let’s say goodbye, before this goes any further.’
‘I wish it would.’
‘Me too. But phone sex at a wedding? Really?’
I sighed. ‘Goodbye, Adrian. Talk soon.’
He hung up before I did. Damn him and his self-control. I felt worse now than I did before I called him. I don’t belong here in this beautiful setting with the flowers and the lawns and the weeping willows leading down to the lake, where the photographer is still marshalling the favored guests. I’m not part of this picture any more. Nobody would notice if I left. I turned back toward the hotel.
‘Hey!’
Paul again, another drink in hand, his handsome, boyish face flushed and slightly sweaty. ‘Hi Paul.’ Shit, my dick was hard. It would be so easy if he wasn’t my daughter’s boyfriend.
‘What are you doing here all on your own?’
‘I might ask you the same question.’
‘I was looking for you.’
Oh shit. What is going on? Why would he even think for one split second that I’m interested? Is there some kind of gay second sight? And why the fuck would it even occur to him when he’s dating my daughter? He’s straight, isn’t he?
‘Well, you found me.’ Tell him to get lost, Joe. Say something unequivocally negative: piss off before I tell Nicky. Stop flirting with me. I’m not interested.
‘What you said earlier, about hiding things. It really made me think.’
‘Yeah?’ I started walking back toward the crowd, back to safety. ‘It’s nothing particularly original. I mean, everyone has stuff that they don’t want to . . . ’
‘I’d like to talk to you properly some time. You know I don’t have a dad.’
‘I didn’t know that.’
‘He left my Mum when I was little. I love my Mum, you know, but it’s like sometimes I really need, like, a man I can talk to about, you know, things.’ The words were tumbling out of him, tripping over each other, and as I walked faster, he jogged to keep up, wine sloshing out of his glass.
We were close to the rest of the party now, at the foot of the wide, shallow steps leading up to the terrace and the garden room. ‘This probably isn’t the time or place for a big heart-to-heart, Paul.’
‘Please.’ He grabbed my arm, bringing us to an abrupt standstill. ‘I know I’m a bit pissed. I’m sorry about that.’ Bouncing on the balls of his feet again, like a boxer. I thought of him in a pair of silk shorts, gloves, boots. ‘There’s stuff I’ve never told anyone and I want to talk to you.’
‘What makes you think I’m interested?’
His eyes were so wet, he was almost crying. Jesus, I sure do attract them. ‘I don’t know. You’re just such a nice guy. You seem so . . . like . . . someone I could tell stuff, and you wouldn’t judge me, you might understand me.’
Come on, Joe. Tell him he’s barking up the wrong tree, even if it’s a lie. Even if you’re thinking of yourself at his age, and how much it would have helped to talk to an understanding adult. What would have changed? Would I have split up with Angie and started going out with guys? Is that what Paul wants to do?
Oh shit, I hate responsibility. ‘OK. I’d be happy to talk to you, if you think it would help. But not now. There are too many people.’
‘When?’
‘Got your phone?’
Of course he did, and while I recited the digits, he put them into his contacts. Why, Joe? You have a man waiting for you, a man who is not going out with your own daughter, a man who has told you not to fool around.
Make that last digit wrong. It’s not too late.
And then it was too late.
‘Thanks, man. I really appreciate it.’ God, he had a nice smile. As nice as Adrian’s?
And then people interrupted us, and Paul moved on, looking back over his shoulder, smiling and waving.
I felt like I’d had a narrow escape. One more minute and I might have dragged him into the bushes, pushed him to his knees, and come all over his upturned face, making a mess of his suit, and I knew all too well how completely I could block out all those reasons why this was the worst idea ever. I’d come in his face and I’d watch him shooting his load over the ground and then we’d clean up and feel remorse and avoid each other until the next time he sent me a text.
But for once, I’d done the right thing, even if only because circumstance forced my hand, and I felt rather good about myself. Adrian must be having an influence. So come on, Joe. Step up to the mark. Join the party, be part of the celebration, not some moody outsider nursing an erection in the twilit margins.
And I did, and it was fun, and for a few hours, I forgot everything and was Joe Heath again, the Joe Heath everyone knows and likes and expects me to be.
The newlyweds left in a vintage Morris Minor, the families with younger children headed for bed, and by ten o’clock there were only a few hardcore partygoers left in the lounge bar. Angie and Jackie were there, Jennifer had gone upstairs, Alex was with Nicky and Paul and a couple of the ushers, looking as if they were going to make a serious night of it. It was time for the middle-aged to leave the field to the youngsters.
‘Got that thirty minutes for me then?’
Oh, and Stuart of course. He’d been there all along, at ease with everyone, the popular godfather, the perfect wedding guest.
I looked at my watch. ‘It’s getting late.’
‘Past your bedtime, old man?’
Angie and her sister were picking up their handbags and shawls, preparing to leave. ‘I think the girls are going up.’
‘Which leaves the boys to carry on. Say goodnight, and we’ll take a coffee out on the terrace.’ Angie and Jackie were weaving, both a little the worse for wear. ‘Need a hand, ladies? Mind you don’t fall off those heels.’
‘We’re fine,’ said Angie. ‘I’m taking my little sister up to bed. You carry on.’
‘See, Joe? We have their permission.’
‘Goodnight then.’ I gave Angie a peck on the cheek. ‘I won’t be long.’
She was gone, and Stuart took control. Coffee was poured, seats were found outside, with just the moon and stars for company, the drunken bellowing of the ushers soft in the distance.
‘So, Joe. Lots to catch up on.’
‘Yes. Where do we begin?’
‘Your stag night?’
Well, that found its target. ‘Fuck. You don’t beat about the bush, do you?’
‘Not if I’ve only got half an hour to say all the things I’ve wanted to say for twenty years.’
‘OK. Go on. Tell me what a fucking bastard I am. You won’t be saying anything I don’t already know.’
‘Actually, I was going to thank you.’
That punctured my self-defensive bubble. ‘What?’
‘You made me realize I was gay. Or admit it to myself, I should say.’
I swallowed hard. Did Stuart have any idea? ‘I see.’
‘Looking back now, it’s easy to see that I was always in love with you, from the first time we met. All through school. I thought it was just hero worship, or a crush, or a phase. All that bullshit that they tell you. But n
o, I was in love with you alright. I just didn’t want to be.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Why be sorry?’
‘Because I couldn’t give you what you wanted.’
‘I guess not. But I was probably too frightened to take it even if you’d tried. I must have wanked thinking about you every day for six, seven years. Sometimes twice a day.’
‘Jesus, Stuart! Too much information.’
‘Come on, Joe. You knew what was going on. You saw how I used to look at you in the changing rooms or when we went swimming. When we shared a room.’
‘I don’t remember.’
‘And then Angie came along and I lost you. Or I thought I had. But we had one night, didn’t we?’
‘Yes.’
‘And it was amazing, whatever you remember about it. If you even do remember it.’
‘Of course I do.’
‘It was everything I’d ever dreamed of. You were so beautiful.’
‘Come on, Stuart. You’re embarrassing me.’
‘It’s OK. You can blush as much as you like. No one can see. No one can hear us.’
I reached out in the darkness and found his hand, took it and squeezed. ‘You were beautiful too.’
‘After that night, I knew what I was. That’s what you gave me. Certainty.’
‘I wish someone would give it to me.’
Stuart was about to ask something, but changed his mind. ‘I knew I’d never have you. You were married, and that was that. I’d already wasted all those years being in love with a straight man. It was time for me to get out there and find others like me.’